Disclaimer: The characters belong to C.S Lewis. The song belongs to Dido. The plot is mine.
Always
Summary: Some things may change between Peter and Susan but there are some things that are always true. The two eldest siblings discuss their relationship. Peter/Susan. Warning: References to incest but it comes with a twist. Song fic – "White Flag" by Dido. Revised.
Author's note: This is my first song fic. I hope it's not too bad. I hadn't planned on making it a song fic but this really struck me.
Criticise me if you will, I have no objections to that, but I would appreciate it if it didn't get personal. Thank you.
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
The two elder siblings were arguing. They were standing in the moonlight, the silvery light falling around them. They were at the balcony, Narnia at their feet yet all was not right with the world. The world for the two eldest siblings was like a sinking ship. The dark waves lapped at them as they fought to stay afloat.
"I love you." Peter caressed Susan's supple hand. He rubbed his fingers, hardened with calluses from swordfighting, slowly across her smooth palepalm.
"I will not give in to this!" Susan wrenched her hand out of Peter's soft grip. "It's wrong! What we have between us…it's not right."
"I know Susan." But love isn't wrong, he disagreed inwardly. Peter did not reached for his sister again. His lips could still feel the brush of hers lips on his. Her sweet breath in his face. It would haunt him.
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
"You're my brother," Susan said. "My brother. I shouldn't be feeling these things towards you. It's all wrong. It's not…logical."
"Love isn't logical," Peter said quietly. "But if that is how you feel, I shall desist…"
"You know very well how I feel towards you Peter," his sister snapped. "You know that I love you." Susan had always known that she loved her brother. Without a doubt. Perhaps more than she should but she knew that she could never hate him.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
"Don't be angry at me Susan," Peter pleaded. His blue eyes glistened with innocence.
"I'm not angry at you." Susan paced in frustration. The shimmer of her blue silk dress rustled softly as she walked back and forth. "I'm angry at myself. I…I shouldn't want more."
"It's okay," Peter whispered. "I am willing. Susan, listen to me." Peter puts him hand on her arm. "Stop."
Susan obeyed reluctantly.
"Susan…I'd give you the world to make you happy. There isn't anything I wouldn't give to you," Peter said softly. What I mean is, I would give you my heart, my everything, he added mentally.
She raised her gaze from the dark night to the warm gaze of her brother. Susan knew what her brother was saying. He was always so selfless. "Peter, you can't mean that," Susan said flatly.
"I do," Peter pledged earnestly. "I mean it with all my heart. I just want you to be happy…" Peter slowly stroked Susan's arm. She shivered but she did not move away. "…even at the cost of my own happiness."
Susan knew that he wasn't lying. Peter had always been a terrible liar. He had never been able to deceive her. Oh Peter, she thought. She did not know what to say.
The cool night breeze blew her hair in her face and Peter reached up to brush her hair back, tucking the chocolate brown lock behind her delicate ear. "You don't have to say anything. It's alright." He leant over to kiss her on the forehead.
She moved away. "It's not alright Peter. It's not. It's wrong." She wrapped her arms around her and shuddered.
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
He recoiled from her. Peter took his cloak off and offeredit to her. "Take it, you're cold." She made no move to take it from him. Cautiously, he moved behind her with the intention of putting it around her shoulders but she slapped his hand away sharply.
It stung. Not so much his hand. She was shutting him out. Rejecting him. He bowed his head in defeat. You win Susan, he thought. "Do you want me to leave?"
"Yes. Go." Susan shut her eyes. She didn't want to face this or talk about it right now. She bit her lip.
Peter sighed. "Goodnight Susan," he said hoarsely. His voice was thick with emotions. He would not push his sister, not matter how strong his feelings for her were.
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
She could hear his quiet footsteps as he slowly walked away from her, melting into the shadows behind her. Susan opened her eyes. On the balcony railing was his cloak. He had left it out for her.
Susan turned around. "Peter?" she asked the darkness.
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
"Yeah?" His reply was tinged hope. Maybe she'll give in, he allowed himself to hope. Maybe.
"I don't want to live a lie any more." Susan felt like she was confessing. Like those times when their mother used to take them to the confessionals at the church down the road. "I don't want to hide this…thing between us." Susan stared at the mosaic tiles on the ground, pondering the confusion of the pattern.
Peter took a few steps towards his sister. His face was still half hidden in the shadows. "Su," he began. Her head snapped up. This was his special nickname for her and he rarely used it. "We don't have to hide it."
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on...
"No, Peter," Susan said. A tear escapes. I love him too much and because I love him, I will let him go, she thought. "We could never be together. Not like that. I couldn't live with it."
Peter felt disappointment flood him. "But what about the last week? The kiss?" he found himself stammering. "Didn't it mean anything to you? It meant so much to me." Susan, I beg you, his eyes implored her.
She couldn't answer the question. If she had told him how much he meant to her, Susan knew that she would never be able to refuse him. "Don't beg me, Peter." Susan stared at the darkness around her, the pale moonlight on her face. "I'm not worthy of your begging. I won't give in." Can't you see I'm protecting you Peter? Susan beseeched silently. I'm protecting you from myself.
Peter held his tongue. What is there to say? He knew that anything he said now would just push her away from him and that wasthe last thing he wanted. He was going to do the hardest thing in his life, that is, to walk away instead of fighting for what he believed in. That was what he had always believed in:that you should always stand up for what you are truly passionate about. But this time, fighting would solve nothing, it would only make things worse. He approached the darkness of the corridor again.
She could hear his footsteps behind her. They grew softer with each step. Each step away from Susan. More tears escaped the prison of her lashes. The cold bit at her arms. The inky night threatened to engulf her. Only the moonlight illuminated the balcony like a ray of hope.
Peter faced his sister in the dark and said in his low voice, "I will always love you Su. Even if it is from a distance, I will always love you."
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
Susan twisted around so that she was talking to the darkness that engulfed him. Susan knew that she could not stop him from loving her but she could not succumb. "You'll always be my brother. Nothing will change that Peter."
But always just a brother, he observed mournfully. Peter couldn't deny that he had wanted to be more than just a brother to Susan. He wanted to be her special someone. He wanted to be hers.
"It's all I have to give." Susan gave him a sorrowful look. I hope I can live with myself, Susan tells herself.
The eldest Pevensie sibling noded, even though Susan cannot see him. He had accepted her decision. He would not try to change her mind. "Then it's enough," Peter choked out. He knew that he would take anything. Anything was better than nothing.
Susan knew that it wasn't enough but she couldn't give in. She refused to be the one to stain her brother, to make him impure by the sin of incest. She couldn't do that to him. Not to Peter the Magnificent. He was Magnificent, yes, she agreed silently.
Peter walked away with unshedtears in his eyes. He walked away but not before looking back. He saw his sister shivering in the cold yet she was more beautiful and more alluring than ever. He could see her hair blowing in the cold night wind. He could remember the way the moonlight made her silk dress shine. She had looked every bit an angel.
It is late at night. Peter knows that he should be asleep. Instead, he is standing in his sister's bedroom. In the forbidden place of his desires. Ever since that fateful night. He watches her sleep. He longs to kiss her, caress her but he resists. Some nights, he wonders what could have been.
I will go down with this ship
Susan pretends that it had never happened. That they never had feelings for each other. But Peter can't forget it. He couldn't. He knows that she still loves him. Susan had been avoiding him for months now. That was how Peter knew that she still has feelings for him, because being around him hurt her too much. Just like her presence could be so intoxicating and soothing at the same time.
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
Peter stands in the shadows of Susan's room and listens to her light breaths. He can see dried tears on Susan's face. It pains him to know that he couldn't hold her and wipe those tears away like he had done once.
"I love you, Susan Pevensie. Always," he whispers.
Susan seemed to smile in her sleep.
There will be no white flag above my door
Unknown to her, he would stay, sometimes longer than others but he made sure that he was gone before dawn could catch him. She left him more refreshed than any sleep could. She was his solace. Peter would come to her room again the next night and the night after and every night after that. He would sit. Wanting...Wishing...Waiting...
I'm in love and always will be
Fin
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