Responsibility
Moonlight puddle at his feet, seeping through the cracks of concrete. It dripped from gutters full of mud and old chip packets, before plummeting to the streets below, losing itself in the lights of the city. He tilted his head up, unseeing eyes staring at the moon, the whiteness reflecting in the black mirrors of his gaze. He had broken his own rules tonight, emerging from the safety of the sewers to stand on the rooftops and gaze into the night. Rarely did the compulsion seize his blood and draw him into the night. Rarely did he give into the desire to feel the biting sting of the cold against his skin, to feel the wind seer his lungs and leave them numb with cold.
He was controlled, after all. He was disciplined in mind, body, and most of all, emotions. Lowering his head, he stretched the tight muscles of his neck and turned his gaze into the far corners of the city. Below him, New York spread out, a web of lights and darkness, a maze of dreams and death, hope and defeat, entangled until you could no longer distinguish anything or anyone. The city devoured all individuality until only the illusion of it remained as a shadow, a husk of what once was. It left only ghosts and spirits behind in its wake.
Leonardo did not fear the dead. He did not fear the vengeful ghosts of those who had died by his blade. He did not fear those innocents he had not been able to save, those whose blood was on his hands. He washed the blood from his skin until it ceased to stick and cling to his every movement, until it seeped into his soul and stayed there- out of sight. He did not fear the spirit of loved ones who had passed on to eternity. He held no anger.
To set free spirits from the earth, to allow them to find peace or stillness, there needed to be peace in your soul, regardless of the guilt you continued to carry on your shoulders. This was a peace that he had achieved, he had given freely. He had found the kind of peace that held no spirit back. He held remorse, but no anger.
He could not find peace tonight.
His shoulders ached with the weight that rested upon him, with a responsibility that he would never lay to rest. He would not falter. He refused to fail. He was controlled, he was disciplined. He could do it- he had been trained for this all of his life.
His eyes found the thicket of bushes, buried within the jungle of concrete cliffs and jagged edges. His heart found the place where his father had found rest years ago, blanketed by warm earth and soft words, and had been granted eternal peace. For the first time, Leonardo stirrings of anger, but at himself, or at life, he could not tell.
He let out a breath, misting the air and blurring his vision, making it hard to see the way forward.
"Sensei...They need more than I can give them."
Leonardo did not realize he had sunk to his knees, until he felt the damp grit work its way into his skin, until his hands found the building's edge, and he steadied himself against it. Reverence. He was kneeling in reverence and for no other reason. Hamato Leonardo did not succumb to pressure or crippling emotions and he never would.
But he could not escape the facts. Every injury, every failure, brought the reality closer to the front of his mind. If he fell, who would look after his brothers? His brothers- competent, strong ninja who could survive on their own. But when they lost one of their own, they suffered greatly. Who would take care of them?
"I wish you were here." The words, honest and raw, tasted bitter, like an admittance of failure. Admittance that maybe, maybe, the responsibility had started to feel too heavy.
No...That was not it at all. His love was strong, so strong that Leonardo felt he needed a safety net to save them from his own failures. He always had a backup plan, and he had always known that there was a net of safety for his brothers. There had always been protection and security, even if the worst happened to him. His father had been that net, but now, the responsibility of their wellbeing fell on him, and he was not sure he could do it. They needed him to get this right.
The stirrings of anger grew in his chest, a strange, constricting feeling that he was not used to. Questions flooded the sanity of his mind, and he saw nothing but white mist before his eyes. Then there was nothing but blackness. Why had life taken their father so early? Why had that been allowed to happen? Why had life dropped them like this?
Anger at God and anger at life brought nothing but suffering, nothing but pain, but for that instant, he could not hold it back. His mind clouded, his throat closed and he dug his fingers into the concrete of the wall until they were raw.
In a rush that left his hand throbbing, his jaw clenched and his muscles tight, the agonizing rage left his heart. He did not cling to it. He would not. Sensei would not want that.
He needed to be calm; he needed to be controlled and at peace. He had a responsibility that he would continue to fulfil.
The wind cooled his skin, working its way into his mind and his soul. Peace descended over his heart, the kind of peace where only quiet longing remained, the ache for something lost forever. The anger ebbed and, bathed in moonlight, he knew that things would work out eventually. On the wind, the scents of incense and tea enveloped him.
Leonardo felt stillness settle over his heart again and as he stared into the sky, teardrops of moonlight slid down his cheeks. Because Hamato Leonardo did not cry.
A/N: Hope that you enjoyed. :) Feedback is always welcome.