A/N: Heavily based on "Fear" by incorrectsanders on Tumblr: post/176547095884/fear
Cross-posted on AO3 and Tumblr.
The Pride Before the Fall
"Once upon a time-"
He expected a derisive snort or a condescending comment for falling back on the most cliché of all story openings, but there was silence. Even Virgil simply watched him with dark eyes that gave nothing away. Roman steadied himself.
"Once upon a time, in the corner of Thomas's mind where the Dark Sides reside, there lived a side known as Fear. Now, the term 'Dark Sides,' I admit, is a bit of an exaggerated misnomer. Very few of the hidden sides can actually be called 'Dark' or 'Evil' in the traditional sense. They fulfill their functions and contribute to Thomas's well-being in their own ways, just like the rest of us, with typically justifiable intentions. Fear, however...Fear was the Dark Side. Cruel and callous, he dominated the rest through intimidation and violence. Everyone obeyed him, but very few liked him. One of his only admirers was an ambitious side called Pride. An arrogant, egotistical, selfish-"
"Roman," Virgil said. No inflection. He didn't even look at Roman, but he did place a hand on his forearm.
Roman took a deep, furious breath. "Pride," he began again, "was considered unique among the sides. He was known and envied for his ability to give form to his thoughts and to conjure his desires from thin air. Yet, despite his gifts, Pride coveted power. In his own mind, he fancied himself a king. In reality, he observed Fear, with his ruthlessness and undeniable authority. And Pride wanted."
Roman looked up to find three sets of eyes focused intently on him, three sets of ears tuned to his tale. Virgil stared down at the carpet.
They would start to figure it out soon. They would know the truth long before he finished the story. Roman could run. Make some excuse about it being too much, too emotional. He could say he wasn't ready to talk about it, and they would show sympathy.
But then there was Virgil. Virgil who knew, Virgil who wouldn't tell.
Virgil who deserved better.
"Pride set out to ingratiate himself to Fear. He requested audiences with him while others shied away. He offered his services and presented elaborate gifts. In time, the political courtship evolved into...Well, you see...The more time Pride spent with Fear, the more enamoured he became, in more ways than one. Pride had originally vied for a share of Fear's power and for a foothold above the other Dark Sides. Now, he wished to be Fear's partner. To pledge his heart and soul as well as his loyalty. Pride had fallen in love." It felt like a damnation to say it aloud.
"What about Fear?" Patton asked, bless his heart, "Did he fall in love with Pride too?"
"That...is complicated." Roman grimaced. "And it was unclear to all involved. Fear certainly valued Pride as a warrior and an ally. He often praised Pride and, when the latter's infatuation became evident, showered him with affection. But love...I personally believe Fear to be incapable of it."
He tried to smooth out the anger in his brow and only marginally succeeded. Patton, by his unruffled expression, had at least partially suspected Roman's answer. How? How could someone just learning of Fear second-hand see what Roman had needed years to realize?
Maybe he really was just stupid.
"One could possibly say the two were dating, but it was mostly a gradually increasing series of tests of loyalty from Fear that were met enthusiastically and earnestly by Pride. Pride helped Fear to police the Dark Sides, influence Thomas, and indirectly challenge the Light Sides. He was Fear's right-hand man and most trusted soldier."
He'd stalled with the exposition enough, Roman knew. It was time for some plot. For the first time in his life, he hated plot.
"Eventually...Fear charged Pride with an unprecedented task."
He wanted to look at Virgil. He wanted to seek some indication that he should stop, pause, terminate this narrative and bury it for good.
He gave in.
The flinty determination that Virgil met his gaze with made him wish he hadn't.
"Fear, the most powerful side in the mindscape, had an incredible weakness, one that only Pride was aware of: an inability to maintain his influence over Thomas."
Apparently unnerved by all the talk of "influence" over him, Thomas spoke up. "What do you mean?"
"Ah...Logan, you're good at explaining things."
The logical side raised an eyebrow at the abrupt aside, but characteristically rose to the challenge. "I believe, Thomas, that Roman is referring to the incidental nature of fear."
"Fear is unsustainable," Patton added with an unsure expression, possibly quoting someone.
"Exactly!" said Logan, nodding, "Chronic fear breeds extreme, untenable exhaustion and cannot be sustained in humans indefinitely. Something may scare you, but that fear is temporary. To continue to be acutely afraid of a single stimulus for an extended period is impractical and therefore has been evolutionarily discouraged." (1)
"Um…"
Roman exchanged a quick smile with Virgil and squeezed his hand. Virgil squeezed back twice as hard.
"When you see a spider near you, you're acutely afraid," Logan explained, "After you've put distance between yourself and the spider, you may experience some lingering anxiety, but the sensations of the moment have passed."
"Oh," Thomas said, "But then, isn't anxiety-"
Roman and Virgil's eyes both widened. They turned back to the group as Roman blurted, "Back to the story!"
"But-"
"Hey, what do you call Virgil when he's being adorable?" Patton interjected.
"What?" multiple voices asked at once, though more in bafflement at the non-sequitur than curiosity.
"Acute anxiety!"
Logan groaned. Thomas chuckled. Virgil hid his face behind his hands. Roman flashed Patton a grateful smile.
"As I was saying," Roman said, "Fear could only act directly on Thomas's consciousness for a short amount of time. Thus, he decided, he needed a way to prolong the effects of his power. He deliberated long on how he would achieve this. Sides are not meant to circumvent their own functions. Fear could not counteract the nature of fear. So, he decided that it would have to be done by another side. And not just any side. This one had to be perfect for Fear's purposes."
Roman took a deep breath and resisted the urge to glance at Virgil again.
"And so, he asked Pride to use his conjuring abilities. He asked him to create a new side."
The reactions were immediate. The widening eyes and quiet gasps.
"Like...Like a baby?" Patton whispered, clearly struggling to reconcile the joyful connotations of the idea with the disturbing context of it.
"Well, yes, essentially," Roman answered, feeling like the scum of the earth. "Fear said to Pride, 'I want you to make me an heir. An extension of my power, -'"
"'An extension of my will.'" Virgil finished, staring at his hands in the stunned quiet that followed.
Roman took a few seconds to wrestle his urge to cry under control, and continued before the others could ask questions, "Pride committed himself to his task like never before, researching and planning the best way to design his newest...gift...for Fear. A few weeks passed as he prepared to use his powers in a way that should have been impossible. The prospect unsettled him, but for the one he loved, he would try. So, one night, long after all of his fellow sides had fallen asleep, Pride slipped out of bed and came to an isolated expanse of shadow near the center of the mindscape, where the barriers between the Light and Dark Sides' territories begin to blur. As he'd done so many times before, he pictured his desire."
Roman closed his eyes. Now would be the least appropriate time to conjure something, but all the same, he wished for a mask so that Virgil wouldn't be able to see his face when he admitted his hope from that night.
"This child Fear had requested...What better expression of love, Pride thought, than for a new life to emerge from the two of them?"
There, he said it. He opened his eyes, keeping them averted. Virgil had a right to be disgusted with him, but Roman needed to tell the truth.
"He based the new side's essence on Fear's. Tried to capture the raw power and menacing aura of his paramour and condense it into a smaller vessel. He focused on the things he admired most about Fear, from his thrilling smile to the depth of his eyes. He reinforced the developing side's connection to Fear with his own, and shaped his powers into a muted but equally potent and even more pervasive version of Fear's terrible influence. He dreamt of storm clouds as he modeled the body and of the breaking dawn as he siphoned off a hint of his own essence. Just enough to be able to say that the child was as much Pride's as he was Fear's. All this he did with his eyes shut, hands dancing as he willed his desire - Fear's desire - into being.
"Pride had never attempted so complex a conjuring before. The only warning that his creation was finished came in the form of a flash of light that seared across his eyelids, accompanied by a crack of deafening thunder."
Roman paused here. This point in his recollection always required a pause, to echo the stillness of that moment, years ago, when he'd opened his eyes upon…
"When Pride opened his eyes, he found another wide, dark pair staring up at him, curious and trusting. He watched, spellbound, as this new form gave a mighty yawn and raised its tiny fists as if simply waking instead of being born."
Thomas, Patton, and Logan all stared in awe, picturing the scene. Roman refused to look at Virgil.
"The child looked just old enough to toddle, and Pride felt the first inkling of doubt at the back of his neck. No one in their right mind, with a good heart, would deliver such an innocent, vulnerable creature to an outright villain like Fear...But Pride had sold his heart already. He summoned clothing for the child, in the style that Fear favored and in Pride's own signature colors. He dressed the child and carried it back to his bedroom in the Dark domain. He laid it down on his bed, drew the covers around it, and spoke to it for the first time: 'Rest, little one. You'll meet your father tomorrow.' The child obeyed him easily, apparently exhausted from its first hour of existence. Pride stayed awake all night."
Virgil. Virgil, forgive me, he thought. They'd never talked about this, the source of all this pain.
Roman had never admitted that everything was his own fault.
"You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." (2)
How much more so for what he had created?
Roman drew in a shaky breath. He could not break down now. Not now. He had to finish this.
"Roman?" Patton asked, "You alright, kiddo?" His gentle face normally would have reassured Roman.
Today, it just felt like one more thing he didn't deserve.
"Yes...I'm fine, Patton." Finish it. "When morning- When morning came, Pride brought the child to Fear. He'd proven himself both loyal and capable countless times before, but this act truly elevated him. Pride had done the impossible, and he'd done it in Fear's name.
"He passed the child into the arms of Fear, who assessed it with scheming eyes. The child whimpered at his visage, causing Fear to smile, and Pride's doubt from before reared back up. He felt all of a sudden that he should take his creation back, protect it from the one who clearly wished to do harm. But then Fear said, 'Well done, my love,' and the unease slid away. For love, he had done the unthinkable...and for love, he would ignore the unconscionable."
Roman blinked at the ceiling, but he could not hold back his tears this time. How despicable, how damned…! No one mentioned his lack of composure. Indeed, it felt like no one drew breath – Roman certainly didn't.
He could stop here, right? Surely, they could figure the rest out if they hadn't already. He couldn't keep speaking all the horrible truth he'd buried. It would kill him. It would kill him, and he would deserve it...
Virgil.
The comforting, warm weight trickled into his senses and allowed Roman to breathe again. Virgil had curled into him, half on his lap with his face hidden in Roman's chest. Traces of moisture leaked through his white shirt. What a pair we are.
"Years passed," he said before even realizing that he'd found his voice again. "Years Pride lived his dream, at Fear's side day and night. The Dark Sides knew him to be beloved of Fear, the creator of Fear's heir, and powerful in his own right. They dared not defy him. Pride had power. He had the object of his affections. He had everything he'd ever wanted...And he lay awake on nights when Fear was not in his bed, haunted by the anguished cries of a small child."
Thomas, in particular, looked devastated at these words. Logan had closed his eyes as if in mourning for innocence. Anger danced in Patton's eyes. Virgil lay very, very still.
"The boy grew." And Roman suddenly recalled that it had been Fear who'd deemed Virgil a boy, without evidence. 'Good boy,' he'd often said, and it made Roman squirm to remember it now. "Still smaller than any other side, but fierce where he'd once been timid. Conditioned to obey Fear, and, to a lesser extent, Pride, above all and without hesitation. A living weapon…"
...Who still needed help reaching the top shelf in the kitchen, he thought with a snarl.
Growth stunted and baby teeth knocked out...Where had his humanity gone, Roman wondered, that he could allow his own creation's eyes to grow so dull?
"Years passed," he continued, "as Fear pretended to love Pride and continued to terrorize everyone within reach. Years passed as the lovesick veil over Pride's eyes gradually gave way to truth: He had grown weary of all the suffering around him. The Dark Sides hated him as much as they hated Fear. The child saw him not as a parent but as a vicious master. Fear thrived on all the discontent while Pride drowned in it. He started to despise his very being. He started to regret. His doubt was a beacon now, evaporating the comfortable darkness that had always ensnared his heart. He knew himself abruptly to be a monster, heinous and malformed, in the service of an even greater monster. Though much of him still loved Fear, the searing guilt in his heart drove him to distance himself.
"But Fear had only been part of the problem, an enabler perhaps. Pride still felt the urge to claw out of his own skin, forsake those bloodsoaked hands."
Virgil began to tremble. Why? Roman stroked a hand across the other's shoulder, unsure of whom he sought to comfort.
"He arrived at the place where he'd formed a life at a madman's behest and vowed to reform his own. He would kill Pride, he decided, and become something new. He knew not what. Only that he wanted to be the opposite of himself. No more cruelty, no more greed. And if ever again he found love, he swore it would be true. Picturing his desire, he let go…and woke to find himself new."
Logan kept his voice neutral to ask, "Is that when you came to us?"
"...Yes."
One word, the prince realized. In just a one-word answer, he had bridged his two lives. Never again could Pride and Creativity exist separately. Now, he must acknowledge both.
Now, he must simply be Roman.
"I'm sorry. For lying to you for so long, I'm sorry."
They accepted his apology; of course they did. Roman couldn't help tuning them out – Patton's tender understanding, Logan's calm acknowledgement, and Thomas's praise for conveying a difficult truth all fell on deaf ears. No one could forgive what he still knew to be one of his worst betrayals. Speaking of...
"Virgil," he said, staring past the others, as the side in question lifted himself off of Roman to sit beside him again.
"Yes?"
Roman turned and regarded the younger side in silence for several long moments. Virgil held his gaze with slightly red eyes and an indiscernible tilt to his mouth. What lay between them felt too great for 'I'm sorry,' or even 'Are you okay?' This was his stormcloud, his breaking dawn. Virgil, grown now, and wounded immeasurably, deserved so much more than affectionate epithets and belated promises of protection. He deserved for Roman to warp time – go back and yank him out of Fear's grasp. Virgil deserved the impossible.
"I should have taken you with me," Roman said. He expected a sullen agreement or the cold shoulder. An impassioned outburst even.
Instead, his dark miracle smiled. Though subtle, like all of Virgil's smiles, it shone brighter than any doubt.
"I caught up eventually," he responded cheekily, as if everything had not just changed.
Then again, Roman supposed, throwing an arm over Virgil's shoulder so that he wouldn't escape the quickly converging group hug, some things never did.
The five of them still lay collapsed in each other's embrace, desperate not to let go, when Virgil spoke again. His raspy voice sounded as if it would shake apart with too much provocation.
"He sent me," he admitted through a rapid breath, strained and wild, "Fa- Fear wanted me to get closer to Thomas, to all of you. I was a spy. But I haven't reported back to him in over a year now! I couldn't, not after...You guys have done so much for me. I'm sorry. You were right not to trust me back then. I'm so-!"
"Will fight you."
Virgil shut his mouth and peeked over at Patton to the best of his ability – Thomas's grip on him had grown absurdly tight.
"I don't blame you, kiddo." Patton smiled and gently stroked Virgil's hair. "Either of you," he added, clutching Roman's shoulder with his free hand.
"But-" Roman started, only to cut himself off. This was about Virgil, he reminded himself. His own insecurities could wait.
"No buts." Patton's smile remained steadfast even as a distinctly sorrowful glint entered his eyes. "Both of you...I can't even imagine what you two must have gone through. Or how hard it must have been to tell us the truth."
Virgil bowed his head. He did it to acknowledge Patton's declaration, Roman knew. To demonstrate gratitude and respect. Harmless though it was in this context, with an elder who would not dare take advantage, Roman could only see the original purpose of the gesture. Submission. Unquestioning obedience. Roman had repeatedly watched this behavior, along with so many others that Virgil still exhibited without even realizing, get drilled into his head by-
A sharp, angry sob erupted from Roman's mouth. He couldn't contain it any longer. His family hastened to hold him as he finally gave voice to the pain, the guilt, the sadness, the hate and hate and hate. Roman didn't know how long he cried and he didn't know if he would ever stop. It wasn't fair. He was supposed to be strong today. He needed to be strong for Virgil.
Yet Virgil was among those who held him. While the anxious side stayed silent, his very presence buoyed Roman up. Meanwhile, Patton continued to heap kind words and praises upon them both. Thomas hummed softly and traced patterns on Roman's skin to ground him. Logan draped a blanket over all of them.
It was all of this that allowed his tears to taper off and his heart to settle. He'd thought that, after confessing, he would have to avoid the others for days at least. Now, however, he wanted to be nowhere else. He'd found his peace in them.
Oh, he thought drowsily, I did find true love after all.
"Hey," Patton said sometime later. The five of them sat on the couch, watching The Nightmare Before Christmas to take their minds off of the day's revelations. "I just realized: Roman, you knew Virgil's name the whole time!"
"Actually, I wasn't sure," Roman said.
"What do you mean?" asked Logan, peeking up from under several pillows. "Did Virgil go by a different name when he was, ah…" He glanced at Virgil, who smirked back from his place on the floor. "...Growing up?"
Roman hummed. "No, I named him Virgil, I just didn't know if he kept the name."
"Maybe I shouldn't have," Virgil muttered, and, before Roman could fall too deeply into self-loathing (because of course Virgil would have hated any name Roman gave him) continued, "I mean, could you have possibly come up with something nerdier?"
Roman frowned. Then he took a slow breath and decided to reveal one more truth.
Even if his dearest Virgil would despise him forever, it was past time he knew.
Virgil turned around when his teasing received no response. "Roman?" he prodded.
The creative side stared down at his lap, an expression of tumult and apprehension gracing his features.
"Roman, I was kidding. I like my name. Really, I do."
Thomas paused the movie and exchanged worried glances with Logan and Patton. Clearly, Roman and Virgil's relationship had had to overcome several challenges already. After the revelations of earlier, what could cause such hesitation?
Eventually, Roman sighed and lifted his head, still not meeting anyone's eyes.
"I'm glad to hear that, Virgil," he replied with a heavy voice, "Truly, I am. Because it was either that…or Romulus."
Thomas blinked. Patton furrowed his brow, and Logan shook his head, exasperated.
Blankly, Virgil repeated, "Romulus?"
Roman, sensing imminent danger, began to ease his way off of the couch. "Well, vanity was a fairly strong aspect of my function at the time, so- Hey!" He dodged a pillow thrown with deadly force.
"ROMULUS?"
"Oh, dear."
Roman ran for dear life, a screeching Virgil hot on his trail.
Thomas sunk back into the couch, lamented that this was his life now, and hit play on the remote. Resounding from the kitchen, Princey's pleas for mercy made an intriguing backdrop to the movie.
"Look, it's fine. Romulus isn't your first name. If anything, it's your middle- Ow! VIRGIL!"
Twenty minutes later, the film had ended, and Roman sat on one side of Thomas, nursing several minor injuries, while Virgil stewed on his other side, insisting to anyone who would listen that his middle name was "Anxiety."
Logan had just made a bit of progress in soothing the anxious side's bruised ego when a smooth timbre reached their ears.
"Are you two done sharing the tragic backstory, yet?"
"Fuck off, Dee."
"Language," Patton muttered, though perplexed by the intrusion.
"Ah, Deceit, now really isn't the best time…" Thomas started, only to trail off as Virgil waved the scaled side over despite his words and Roman nodded in welcome. Deceit didn't hesitate to climb onto an arm of the couch, one stray leg swinging idly off the edge.
"That's okay. We invited him," Roman explained...as he'd earlier done for a consistent half hour.
"Dude," Virgil asked, previous tantrum forgotten, "Isn't your voice tired?"
"Please, Emo Nightmare, I am a master orator! However...Deceit, if you would be so kind as to brew some tea-"
"I don't have to be here, you know."
"...That was a lie, but fine." Roman conjured his own tea.
"No offence, but why does he have to be here?" Thomas asked.
"None taken," assured Deceit, who looked offended.
"Well," Virgil said, "Since you're all in on the big secret now, you should know what the three of us have been working on."
Logan raised an eyebrow. "And what would that be?"
Virgil bared his teeth in a wicked smile and spoke with the thrill of a man out for blood.
"We're gonna usurp Fear."
Virgil yawned as he shuffled down the hallway to his room. The discussion had gone far into the evening as the three "Dark Sides" brought the others up to date on their scheme. Virgil had surprised himself by not slipping into the Tempest Tongue once. Their plot was insane, at least by his standards, and likely to fail. But they all wanted it so badly. Thomas didn't want a malevolent entity to have such dominion over his mind. Patton and Logan would fight any threat to their loved ones. Roman, Virgil, and Deceit all had scores to settle.
If they won, Fear's absence would create a power vacuum. Someone would need to fill it, or at least supervise it.
The Dark Sides already respected Deceit, and the liar was competent. Clever. It could be him.
But Roman was more powerful, already balancing multiple personality traits and influential throughout the entire mindscape.
And Virgil…He, born and bred in the Dark, more assertive than Deceit and with less baggage than Roman...
An heir, by definition, inherits.
He didn't know if he wanted that, and the decision could wait, but he knew one thing:
Virgil wanted to look Fear in the eyes when they toppled his cursed throne. He wanted to see the moment that demon saw just what his previously subservient "family" could achieve. Fear would look at Roman, and then at Virgil, and see that they'd both outgrown him.
Virgil would not whimper this time, but laugh.
'An extension of my power, an extension of my will.'
He would be so much more than that. He would be-
"Virgil."
He looked up to see Roman standing outside of his own room, already in pajamas. "Long day, huh?"
"Yeah…"
He stopped in front of Roman, who still had a few inches on him, damn it.
They stood in silence, the rest of the world drifting away.
"Ro?" he asked, deciding to voice something that had bothered him for hours now.
"Yes?"
"...Do you ever still feel the need to 'claw out of your own skin'?"
Roman offered a soft smile. "Less and less, little nightmare."
Virgil resisted the urge to hiss. He'd clearly made his concern too obvious if Roman felt the need to pull out the cutesy nicknames from his early childhood.
Knowing that Roman had healed some since then, however, made the embarrassment somewhat worth it.
Virgil rolled his eyes. Roman chuckled and turned towards his room. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight...Wait, uh, Roman?"
The prince tilted his head and waited.
"I, um…" Virgil wondered if he could just abandon this and go to his room. Ignore his burning need for answers until he forgot about it. However, if Roman had shown him anything today, it was the bravery of communication. "Look, you don't have to answer this. Or like, whatever answer you give is fine by me. I won't hold it against you. 'Cuz, like, I get that you were a different person then and…"
"Virgil." A steadying hand fell on his shoulder. "What is it?"
Virgil took a deep breath and held back the completely unnecessary tears that started to form. "I know...There was a time when you regretted everything. And- and we really didn't get along when I showed up here, so did you...Did you ever regret…?"
"You?" Roman asked.
Virgil stayed silent, knowing Roman needed no confirmation.
"Virgil…" said the elder's aggrieved voice, "My little one..."
Virgil hadn't known how much a phrase he hadn't heard in years could break him. He gasped, eyes spilling over, as Roman drew forward and held him tighter than ever.
"Never," the prince whispered fiercely, "Never."
"But-"
"I mean it. Even at my darkest, you were the one good thing to come from me."
Virgil hesitantly returned the embrace and rested his head on Roman's shoulder. The day had exhausted them both. He could fall asleep here.
"And don't you forget it...Virgil Romulus Sanders."
"...You better sleep with an eye open, Princey."
Roman cackled as Virgil stormed off to his room, flipping the bird for good measure.
Then, he realized that he'd never technically finished the story.
Face shrouded in an empty corridor, Roman stood tall with one hand held high. Lightly, so as not to wake the others, he spoke thus:
"The prince who once vied for a throne listened to the night as his domain settled down for slumber. The beauty of his kingdom lay in the fact that he shared it rather than ruling it. He would fall, but others would hoist him up. They would bear him, and his, closer to ethereal light until it became self-evident that love would always conquer doubt...Love would always conquer fear."
As he'd done so many times before, the prince pictured his desire...only to find that he already had it.
"And they lived," he told the dusk, "Happily ever after."
(1) While fear is, in fact, unsustainable - particularly as a motivator - I have no idea if extreme, prolonged episodes of fear (as opposed to general or heightened anxiety) is actually evolutionarily discouraged in humans. I'm using hand-wavy biology here because Logan needs to sound smart.
(2) From Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's The Little Prince
A/N: I hope you found this enjoyable! Please let me know if you find any mistakes.