The five Forces were existing* around the table, staring intently at the stone board that was placed upon its top. The table itself was particularly ordinary, so ordinary that it went beyond being ordinary and came out the other side and got so worried by the extraordinary that it zipped back to plain boring. As plain boring as one can get when one exists in the 11th dimension.** The stone board, however was not boring in any way. The board, or Board as it should be known, delighted in being doubly interesting and triply abnormal. Of course, not being constructed by either Space or Time it wasn't really in the shape of a mortal, 3rd dimensional board, but would constantly switch from being a marshmallow penguin, to a roll of wall-paper to a bottle of Squanzzupi all at the same time and never, which was rather awkward and annoying for the Forces, but seeing as they had no idea where the Board came from, it was better not to ask it to stop. So they didn't.
"Oh, look Death! Look what you've done! Everything was going along nicely and then you ruined it, you…you…" Death looked up at his brother who was yelling at him from across the plain boring table (which is difficult when you don't possess eyes, but Death was well practised), "you rotter" finished Life, lamely, but he couldn't think of a better way to end his sentence.
"Tough." muttered Death, who resumed his non-stare at the Board. He wasn't really the talkative type – it is difficult to talk when you don't possess a tongue, and Death did not wish to practise that. Life sighed and withdrew into himself, deciding that Death was clearly cheating in some way, but he had no idea how, rather like that time when they were all playing 40-40-home and Death hid under the table, which was the home. And that time when they were playing Pin the Tail on the Table and Death proclaimed that since he didn't have eyes, he didn't need a mask to cover them, but he could still see all the same, which was unfair. Or that time when they were playing spin the Table for a truth or dare and Death spun it all the time, daring Life to…
"Life, darling, you are being mean to Death, I wish you would stop that. He is winning because he is lucky, aren't you smidgen?"
"Indeed." Said Death, who had gone a funny pink shade (which is difficult to do if you have no skin, but Death was well practised, to well practised for his liking).
"But of course he was lucky!" whined Life, "you are Chance, and we all know how much you favour Death. Don't you remember when we were playing Spin the Table and he made me…"
"Me? Favour Death?" said Chance incredulously. She picked up a hurricane and threw it onto Shape's carefully constructed village that was on the very edge of the Board. "Never, he just has all the luck, don't you my sweet?"
"Yes."
"Oi!" said Shape, "That took me five-flippin' turns that did! And I've been nice to you all game that was…"
"That is my point!" continued Life, completely ignorant to the fact that some of his best breeding pairs of mortals had been crushed along in Shape's houses, "you give him luck, so he always wins." Life took his turn a little too vigorously and accidently gave Mr and Mrs Brown doctuplets instead of twins, consequently winning them the World Record for the number of identical siblings born. "Oh bugger" he muttered to himself, "now Shape has to build a new primary school over in Little Wrexton and she will want serious compensation for that."
The volume around the table rose, as Life, Shape, Chance and Death began to argue more fiercely amongst themselves…
"No, you can't do that, it is against the rules."
"What rules?"
"The rules that we agreed upon, you clot."
"No."
"No what, Death?"
"I did not agree upon the rules."
"You tell him, my love!"
"Where is the rule book?"
"What is the rule book?"
"It is a book, my dear Shape, that tells the players how to play the game."
"No."
"No what, Death?"
"There is no rule book. It does not exist. It has never existed."
"Well the Board is here. Perhaps you STOLE the rule book so we can't know the rules and you could cheat!"
Death stood up (which is difficult when you don't have any legs, but Death was so angry that practised or not, he managed rather well), "Are you calling me a liar?" hissed Death, who did not like being called a liar in the slightest.
"Yes, I am, actually" said Life, rising to his feet, "and…and…what's more, I think that you are the worst liar, in fact yes the very worst liar because that is all you do. And when we were playing Spin the Table you definitely lied about – "
"THAT IS ENOUGH!" boomed a large voice. The other forces were instantly cowed by the yell and all turned to look at Time (except Death, who did more of a non-look). Time was considered to be the greatest of all the Forces, for Time, unlike the others never aged or withered or changed in general." Unfortunately for Time, it did also mean he looked the youngest, the very youngest, if one were feeling brave to say it to his face (which I am not, so I'll just write it here) one might describe him to look like an extremely grumpy toddler, who really needed his nap-time.
"We are not getting anywhere with this game at the rate we are going. All this aimless creating and destroying is ridiculous, we have simply no clue as to what is going on, do we?"
"DO WE?!" yelled Time, he now looked so furious that he had gone beyond nap-time, and was now pushing total 'I'm so sorry, he is sweet most of the time, we won't ask you to babysit again' meltdown. His very voice had created an extra leap-year somewhere in the early-1900s, and thousands of school textbooks had to be re-written to fix when the First World War actually happened, much to the annoyance of millions of 16 year olds who were about to take their GCSEs. The rest of the Forces shook their heads, embarrassed. "You are acting like wee mortal infants" said Time, more quietly now.
"And that's rich, coming from one who looks like one" said Shape.
"Oh, SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!" said Time, who looked like he was about to burst, he was sensitive about the way he looked, and if mirrors had been invented in the 11th dimension yet, he most certainly would have destroyed them immediately. He was vain like that. "What we need is a rule book, yes?"
Mutterings of assent came from the group – "Yes, I suppose so…" "That is just what I have been saying all along!" "Possibly." "Oh, all right then, if we must" etcetera, etcetera.
"But we don't have this rule book, do we? No, we don't" said Time, ignoring the mutterings, but secretly pleased they were there, "So what we need is…a mortal."
"What?!" exclaimed Life, the others quickly following with various synonyms of disbelief.
"But…why would we need one of those? Nasty, smelly things, with no sense of anything, they are" said Chance, who was a firm believer in the class system, putting herself (and Death) on top, and humans on the bottom, just below cauliflowers.
"We need, a mortal," continued Time, who was not so impressed with the mutterings that were now being made, "because mortals, will you please listen, Shape, thank you ever so much, know the rules and can teach us them. For a start we don't even know the title of this game, and it is far more complex than 40-40-home and it took us ages to think up a name for that one. Besides, what is the point in playing if we don't have a goal? What are we achieving here?"
"A way to relieve boredom for a millennia?" suggested Life
"Well, yes possibly" admitted Time, "but there must be something more to it than that. So we are getting a mortal and that is final."
"But what do they eat? What do they drink? Don't they sleep and need walks once in a while? And I am definitely not clearing up after it" said Chance, who was still against the idea.
"Oh, well, we will find that out when it gets here, won't we, hmm? Now, all we need to do is find one…"
*the Forces had not yet discovered chairs, despite inventing all other home furnishings several millennia before. It would be rather foolish of them to sit on the table, as the table was already occupied another, so they simply had 'to be' around the table, which they considered far more polite than lying on the non-existent ground and far easier than floating above the table, which would involve physics, which none of the Forces were any good at. It was just one of Life's little quirks to make things in the wrong order – tables before chairs, chickens before eggs, brothers in general…
**when discussing dimensions we have; the 1st - which simply just exists in mortal heads, like visions of puppies and hot actresses, the 2nd, which tends to flop around inconsistently like school jelly or flat-fish, the 3rd – which is by far the most boring, just sits there being mortal reality, the 4th – contrary to the popular opinion of scientists is not the dimension of time, but instead is entirely comprised of lost socks, the 5th, 6th and 7th are completely unknown to every creature except the dodo, which is a bit of a shame because they've all been eaten and the 8th dimension does not like having its personal life discussed thank-you-very-much. The 9th is an overflow of the fourth dimension, but occasionally looks after gloves and bobbly hats, and the 10th dimension recently got destroyed as someone wanted to build a flyway over it. Finally the 11th, which really should have a THE in front of it rather than a measly 'the' and is really more like a -1st dimension as it exists within all the other dimensions (except the 8th because it likes its privacy thank-you-very-much) and simultaneously creates and destroys them, rather like the act of turning hydrogen and nitrogen into ammonium but without the smelly pong…