Emily Fields didn't pride herself on a lot. She was humble, modest even. But the one thing she did pride herself on was the ability to handle pain. Life had not been the kindest to her. She had lost her first and second love, she had been held for weeks in an underground bunker and forced to choose between her friends, she had been held at knife point and she been locked inside a wooden box with a live saw running in the background. She had been hurt in practically every way she could imagine; some days she could still hear the breaking of her heart echo inside her head. Yeah, she had a good understanding of pain. At least, she thought she did. Until one morning she received a phone call that made her realise she didn't; she hadn't even scratched the surface.

"Mom?" It was 2am her time, Paige was fast asleep next to her, all she could hear was her mother's ragged breathing the other end of the phone.

"Emmy" Emily climbed out of bed. She could hear the fear in her moms voice, hear the devastation trembling. It took less than a second for her to put it together.

"Dad?" She could barely choke the word out, and all she got in response was a muffled sob, her worst fear realised as she stood frozen in the centre of her dorm room. For a second she didn't make a sound, the news not settling in her brain. This was a nightmare. A horrible, disgusting nightmare; her head playing tricks on her. Wasn't it always? Paige slept soundly on the other side of the room, oblivious to the fact that her girlfriend was being ripped apart from the inside out. No tears fell from her eyes, she could only hear her mother's.

"One bullet" She eventually said in broken whispers. That's all it took for the phone to fall out of Emily's hand and smash directly on the tiled floor underneath it, the screen smashing into thousands of shards of glass, firing in all directions across the room. Emily's knees buckled under the weight of the news, she didn't even register Paige running across the room to catch her before she landed in the shattered pools of glass, face too numb to cry and her body too numb to move. Instead she screamed. She screamed so loudly and for so long that it tore at her throat, like some huge animal had taken a chunk out of her neck. And yet still she screamed. Paige chained her to her body, her arms locked around her torso as she repeated the same word over and over again.

"Dad". It exploded in the room, travelling everywhere and nowhere at the same time. A tear ran down Paige's cheek as she lifted her girlfriend up from the floor and away from the danger. Emily didn't fight it; it felt nice to have somebody take control of her. Scarlet red drops of blood fell from her hands as she lay still, her muscles on lock down, the subsequent stabs of pain not even entering her mind. Hours passed. Dragged. Plane tickets were booked and painfully quickly the late evening turned into early morning as the sun began to rise, casting a sickening glow across the room. Someone was mocking her. It should be stormy, she wanted the world to be plunged into doom and grey clouds and unbeatable rain. But she was in California. She didn't want to be in California. She wanted to be with her mom, her friends. She lay still in bed, knowing that Paige was awake but not speaking, hardly even breathing.

"Do you want some breakfast?" Her girlfriend asked, sitting up straight and clearly on edge as she waited for a response.

"No" Was all Emily replied. Her voice was hoarse and she could hear the exhaustion dripping all over it, yet when she looked at the clock she learned she had slept for almost 13 hours.

"How did you sleep?" Paige attempted conversation again, but Emily just threw the duvet over her head and went back to sleep.

…..

What felt like a month passed as she lay dormant in her bed; the only way she could tell only a day had passed was the sun slowly dipping back behind the ocean, leaving behind a dark and quiet evening. Paige had gone to practise, she had attempted to bring Emily along with her but was met with nothing but a loud, painful groan. Emily didn't want to fight with Paige, but she knew it was going to happen at one point or another. Her mouth tasted like metal; she hadn't eaten in just over a day. When she tried to move her position in bed it sounded like her whole body creaked from within, a hollow shell. Maybe it was time to have some water. Slowly, she pulled her legs from off the duvet, letting them land freely on the floor below and feeling shooting pains run up and down her legs when she did. Her phone sat peacefully on her bedside table and she couldn't decide whether to check it or not. Did people know? Had her mom already told them? Maybe it was on the news? A thousand more questions ran through her head in constant succession, questions she didn't know if she should learn the answers to. The thought of her mom left a stabbing pain in the centre of her chest and she shivered harshly; just 12 more hours until she was on a plane and in her arms again. Gradually, she managed to stay grounded on her feet as the pains slowly subsided. She was wearing sweatpants that were almost falling off of her, an old sharks jumper covering her torso that was loose everywhere, a slight rip in the shoulder from age. Blurred shapes appeared in her vision, nothing seemed real. Her hand hovered over a glass and it took her a few seconds too long to realise that it was three inches too high. All of her focus went into lowering her hand and clasping the edge, pulling it off the counter like it was the heaviest object she had ever been forced to lift. When she eventually managed to fill it with water, she downed the whole glass in less than 30 seconds, she hadn't realised just how much she was lacking. From across the room, her phone rang, breaking the uninterrupted silence that had stretched on so long it was almost welcome. She made her way across the room to answer it, thinking it would be her mother. It wasn't.

"Emily?" Spencer's voice echoed down the phone, clearly Emily had forgotten the etiquette of saying hello.

"Uh, yeah" It had been hours since she had used her voice she was surprised it still worked. She cleared it a few times, not knowing what Spencer knew was making it hard to be normal.

"Paige called" Spencer told her, her voice falling in volume as Emily's heart snapped in two all over again. She was hoping her dad could have had a few more days before it became gossip.

"Oh" Was all she replied, it was more like a weak breath than anything else.

"Em, I'm so sorry" Spencer whispered, clearly not knowing what to say- yet she had still phoned. She had still felt the need to do something.

"Yeah" Emily said "Thanks" There was a tangible silence down the phone, Emily collapsed back down into bed, curling herself into a ball but still enjoying the sound of Spencer's staggered breaths on the other end.

"Do you want me to fly over? I-I can take time off I'll be there in a few hours if you need me to" It was evident that she was desperate to make a difference, try and put some emotion back into her friends voice.

"I'm coming home tomorrow" Emily told her in what was probably the longest sentence she had spoken since she had heard the news. She knew it wasn't going to be a nice trip. She knew it was going to be filled with tears and memories and funeral planning.

"I'll be there" Spencer promised "whatever you need, Em" Emily wanted to protest, to tell her to not waste her money or her holiday on coming to look after her. But she couldn't get the words out, because all she wanted was her friends. An echo of a smile even greeted her mouth as she thought about seeing them.

"Okay" was all she managed to say, aware that it wasn't enough but unable to do anything more "thank you'

"Of course" She replied, clearly relieved at the lack of fight. "I spoke to the girls" She continued "they'll be there too. They've both tried calling" A tear escaped Emily's eyes at the news, and once they were open they wouldn't stop.

'I'm sorry" she spluttered "i haven't uh-I haven't been able to look at my phone" On the other end, Spencer nodded to herself.

"I get it" She assured her "I'll tell them that" Silence greeted them again.

"I should go" Emily said hesitantly "I need-I need to pack"

"Sure" Spencer said promptly "call if you need anything at all" Emily nodded, not having the energy to say anything else. The line went dead as she was greeted with the messages that she had been left. She wanted nothing more than to just throw it against the wall and damage it more than it already was. Hanna and Aria had both left multiple voicemails, she had texts from all her family members. Her mother had rung and she even had emails. She didn't want to think about the one name that was missing. Instead of replying to any of them, she switched her phone off and tucked it under her pillow, shaking the thoughts of grief out of her head and focusing on her journey ahead as she mustered the energy to reach into her wardrobe and pull out her suitcase.

"Pull it together" She muttered. It was that day that she made her first mistake. Sat in her fridge was a bottle of caramel vodka Paige had bought her a few weeks before as a thank you, it was like a light bulb went off in her head as her feet carried her towards the kitchen and her mind disconnected. She reached out and pulled it from the shelf before she even knew why she was doing it, and poured it back into her throat for a least 10 seconds. The pain on her skin was welcoming; it made her feel alive. Leaving the cap on the side, she walked back over to the bed and started to pack.

…..

She didn't remember how she got to sleep that night, all she knew was that she was woken up by Paige standing over her and a bucket full of what looked like her own vomit lying next to her. Thankfully, she was still wearing her pyjamas and they seemed to have avoided ruin.

"You're awake" Paige breathed, relief flooding her tone as she bent down and kissed Emily lightly on the forehead. The sensation was strange.

"What happened? Did we miss our flight?" Panic bubbled a little as she stared at the clock, but she didn't even know what day it was.

"No" Paige said flatly "but we need to go soon" And so she found herself being lifted out of bed, away from the warm cocoon of her duvet and her feet attacked by the stone flooring. She wanted to ask what had happened last night, and why she suddenly had a headache that felt like she had been shot the night before, but her question was answered as she noticed the three empty bottles lined up on the counter across the room. The feel of alcohol streaming into her stomach finally coming back to her. There was no guilt. No embarrassment. She just shrugged.

"I needed to wake up" She justifiedherself "I'm better now" Paige said nothing, but gave her a disbelieving shake of the head as she heaved the suitcases out of the apartment, ruffling in her rucksack to make sure she had everything they needed. Emily could feel the disapproval, but she didn't need it, it didn't help anything for Paige to be angry. It didn't help her feel any better. In silence, they walked out of their dormitory. Paige kept one hand tightly grasped around Emily's hand as she carried the suitcases down the stairs into the car; they were parking at the airport and hiring a car once they got to New York to drive back home. The whole way down she felt nothing. The numbness of her body was the only thing she was aware of, it was a mixture of grief and exhaustion and frustration and hangover- but there was nothing she could do to make any of those things go away. She lost herself on the drive to the airport; she wasn't even sleeping but she let her head rest on the car window. If she was home, she thought to herself more than once, the cold would've been refreshing for her headache. But the heat of the summer Californian sun wouldn't allow for such luxury. By the time they pulled up in airport car park part of her just wanted to go back to college and fall asleep. But she couldn't do that; she needed her mom. She went through the motions of security, of ticket checks and of boarding until she was strapped into a death machine that was going to take her back home.

"You need to eat" Paige muttered as she ordered the pair of them a cheese sandwich each "it might help your hangover" Emily wanted to scream at the disapproving tone of her voice.

"Cut it out, Paige" she muttered, earning herself a side glance from the air hostess. In response, she just put her headphones in and let her eyes drift shut.

…

"Em, listen" Emily could hear the caution in her voice, knowing that if Paige said the wrong thing or touched on the wrong subject she would explode without even meaning to. She sighed, leaning her head back against the car seat and letting her eyes drop shut. Somehow, Paige took this as permission to keep talking. "I know you're hurting" Emily could do nothing to control the disbelieving laugh that escaped from her lips. "Come on" She carried on, reaching her hand over and placing it (in what Emily could only assume was supposed to be a comforting gesture) on her thigh "we need to address the elephant in the room" Her eyes shot open again and she leaned forwards, not having the energy to frown but knowing that her silence was enough to portray her bewilderment. Moments passed as Paige stared her down in pity

"I just want to see my mom" Emily said after a while "please. Just drive"

"You can see your mom, sweetheart" Paige promised, as though it was some gift she was bestowing on the grieving family "you just- you can't see Alison" It was obvious in the look in her eyes that she knew she didn't have the right. And yet still she had said it.

"I can't see Alison?" Emily repeated, venom spiking her tone.

"Em-" She tried to interject

"Paige, my father was shot dead three days ago. You really think Alison Dilaurentis is on my mind right now?" It was the first time she had said the words out loud, but the anger that was steadily rising within her left little time to register that. "I want to go home. I want to be with my mom and my friends. Whether that includes Ali or not is my decision, and I can't believe you'd try and stop that" Already she was pulling her phone out to call Hanna; the thought of sitting in the car with Paige for another three hours was making her nauseous.

"You have to understand where I'm coming from" Paige begged "you were in love with her" She pulled the keys out of the ignition and climbed out of the car so they both stood in the JFK airport car park.

"I'll see you at home" Emily mumbled, pulling her luggage out of the boot and walking slowly across the lot to wait for her ride. She could feel Paige following her, she could hear her call her name but she didn't stop to turn. Hanna was only 20 minutes away- she could wait that long. It was unusual for her to turn so angry, but she felt smothered by Paige. To bring up Alison in a time where all she needed was her girlfriends support made her sick to her stomach. She didn't know if it was just the grief talking or if she was right to be this upset; but what she did know was that she couldn't bear to be around her a moment longer. Paige managed to catch her before she could slip away into the crowds, her hand clamping down on Emily's wrist.

"Stop being so dramatic" She pleaded "let me take you home. You don't need Hanna, okay? You just need me" There were tears bubbling in her eyes as Emily yanked her wrist free.

"Let me go. Please" She didn't yell, her voice was even. Paige looked her in the eye and nodded, knowing she had to let Emily heal this however she needed to.

"I'll wait at the brew" She told her as she turned to walk away "call me when you get home" Emily nodded, leaving Paige alone on the sidewalk as she saw Hanna's car pull up in the lay-by. Paige didn't look back as she walked back to her own car, a fact Emily was grateful for as she heard Hanna's car door close, finding herself in her arms again after so long.

"It's okay, Em" Hanna promised. Her voice was soothing, calm. Emily didn't know why until she felt the salt stain her cheeks, and before she could register that she was crying she collapsed into Hanna's arms, letting her whole weight just fall into her best friend for the first time in almost a year. "I got you" Hanna whispered as she guided her to the car "I got you"

…..

The drive was long. They passed through the city and Emily couldn't even notice Manhattan, she couldn't notice the rippling blue waters, broken by the magnificent heights of the skyline. All she could focus on was her mom. Hanna tried her hardest to keep her engaged, trying everything from banal chit chat about Caleb to deep and meaningful questions in an attempt to get Emily to 'access her feelings'. It didn't work. Even as they began the drive through Rosewood and she was welcomed by all the familiar sights of her childhood, she didn't care. Eventually Hanna pulled up outside her house. Her stomach flipped as she realized the gold star was already hanging in the window.

"You ready?" Her friend said cautiously, turning the engine off and waiting for Emily to make any kind of movement. For a minute she did nothing.

"No" She decided "can we sit for a minute" Hanna just nodded, taking Emily's hand in her own as Emily sighed softly. "Are they here?" She asked, finally looking up from her lap and out onto the street around her. "Spencer, Aria=" She left the last name hanging in the air; it didn't need to be said.

"Spencer's in Philly" She said with a smile "she'll be here soon. Aria's flying in tomorrow" Emily just nodded. She didn't know why the need to see her friends was so strong- she was only supposed to want to be with family. But she did. She needed them badly.

"And-"

"She's at home" Hanna told her hesitantly "she never left" Emily knew this, of course, but to hear it said out loud made her heart beat a little faster. If she wanted to, she could go and find her right now. She could forget about anything that had ever to happened between them and just sit on that damn sofa and just be with the one person who hadn't left her mind all week. But she didn't want to see her. She wasn't that person in her life anymore; she had picked Charlotte, and that was okay. But Emily didn't want to know about that - she couldn't.

"I'm gonna go in" She broke the silence. Hanna nodded understandingly, jumping out of her car to get Emily's bag and walk her in. "I got it" She said, dragging the bag into her house as Hanna watched from the sidewalk, the pity on her face just a further reminder of what she was about to be greeted with.

….

The house smelt of something she couldn't pinpoint. It was musty, the windows were all sealed shut with the curtains blocking out any of the outside. Lying on the couch with a box of tissues and piles of magazines, her mom barely looked up when Emily entered the room.

"Ma?" She said, relief flooding through her voice at seeing her again after what felt like years. Pam looked up slightly, a spark returning to her eyes at finding her daughters soft features in her grasp once again.

"Emmy" She sighed, and before she could stop it Emily was being pulled onto the sofa and into her mothers arms after what felt like a life time. Her arms felt stiff, like they had hardly been used. Her hair was thrown into a careless bun on top of her hair and it was obvious she hadn't showered in a while. But Emily didn't care about any of that; she was home. They lay together like that for so long the sun was beginning to set by the time Pam began to climb off the sofa. Emily was reluctant, she had enjoyed the peace of being away from anyone and anything. "Do you want some food?" And though she had been asked that question a million times by Paige since hearing the news, she found herself suddenly starving.

"I'd love some" She said dryly, earning a weak but genuine smile from her mother as they clasped hands and walked together to the kitchen. The house seemed quieter than usual. Emily had expected to be greeted by her entire family, but it had turned out none of them were flying in until the funeral except her Aunt Chrissy, who was coming across the next day from Ohio to take care of her sister. As her mom cooked the kitchen filled with smells that on a usual day would make her tummy dance. Neither of them spoke much until she laid in front of them her famous enchiladas, two glasses of ice water and lit a candle. Emily waited, thinking she may make a speech or say something. Instead, she just cut up her food and pushed it around her plate, barely taking a bite.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She finally broke the silence, and as she did her mother's gaze fell, her fork clattering down onto the plate. She let her eyes tightly close, so she couldn't see the worry staring back at her. Trembling hands and clamped jaw, she shook her head. "No" She said quietly "but if you want to then-then we can" Emily frowned, confused because usually her mother was the first to want to get her to open up.

"No" Emily said, "I don't." Paige should be here soon anyway" Her mother nodded slightly, returning her attention to the untouched plate of food in front of her. Emily took one bite off her own and before she knew it the whole plate was finished; she hadn't realized how starving she was. Had it really only been three days since she had received that call?

"I am so uninterested in a life without your father" the silence that followed was deafening. "What happened to your phone, Emmy?" Pam asked quickly, noticing the cracks that dominated the screen, splinters of glass poking out in a dangerous way.

"Uh-" She didn't have to explain as her mom already realized what had happened as she had asked the question.

"We can get it fixed" She promised "take it to that little shop in the center?" Emily nodded her head vaguely; it had been the last thing on her mind. She stood up abruptly, clearing the plates away. Time came to a stand-still after that; minutes feeling like hours and hours feeling like days. They floated around the house, Pam occasionally offering to make tea that Emily refused every time until she eventually fell asleep, leaving Emily alone downstairs. She didn't think it was a good idea for her to be alone, it gave her too much time with her thoughts. Purpose was something she couldn't even remember having. That's when the need overtook her again, her judgment being taken over by the desire to feel inside something spark. It barely took her three seconds to decide she wanted it. Crying was the last thing to resort to, it didn't solve anything. It just gave her a headache and made her skin go blotchy and red. At least, that's what she told herself as she walked over to the liquor cupboard and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. It practically glowed from its hiding place, the gold liquid enticing her to try a sip. Just a sip. It wasn't a big deal. There was nothing telling her to stop, nothing screaming at her that this was a bad idea- because it wasn't. Watching the little golden waterfall flow into the glass sent shivers down her spine, it was so comforting, so warm. One breath was all it took as she shot it down her and felt her bloodstream set fire. It trickled through her body slowly, and then all at once as it mowed down the sadness and the anger and the fear that had been boiling within her all morning, until one shot turned into two and two into three and so the process kept going. When she was almost half a bottle down the door bell echoed throughout the house; if it wasn't for that she didn't know she would've stopped.

"Emily?" Paige's voice spread through the house, low and clearly angry as she made her way inside. Emily laughed at the creases in her forehead, the stern gaze of her eyes and the hard, sharpened corners of her mouth.

"Hi darling" She chuckled, moving to grab the bottle again and turning away from her girlfriend, not having the mental capacity to put on the facade that Paige so desperately needed to see from her.

"I've been waiting for you all day, why didn't you phone?" Emily could hear the frustration in her voice and yet somehow she didn't care. She didn't care that Paige had been worried and she didn't care that she had left her alone all day and she didn't care that she had refused to call like she promised she would. This wasn't about Paige. None of this was about anyone except herself. Instead of replying, she let a burp tear through the room, laughing mindlessly afterwards and swaying on the spot for a few moments before Paige came charging across the kitchen to grab her. "You're drunk" She muttered "again"

"Bing-pot!" Emily roared, still clutching at the bottle of whiskey, turning her knuckles white from force.

"Em" Paige's voice softened as she examined the scene, she could see the half-eaten plates of food piling in the sink, and it was only then that she realized Pam wasn't around them. "Where's your mom?" She asked, taking the bottle from Emily's hands with a firm tug and putting it in her own bag to dispose of later.

"Sleep" Emily mumbled "why are you here?" Emily may as well have slapped her.

"Why am I here?" She repeated incredulously "why am I here, Emily? I'm here because my girlfriend's father just died and she refuses to let me help her!" Emily could hear the shakes in her voice but she was numb to them; it wasn't her problem. She hadn't asked Paige to follow her across the country.

"Well maybe I don't want your help!" She yelled, leaning against the table to stop herself from toppling over.

"You might not want it, Em, but you sure as hell need it" Paige sighed solemnly "look at yourself" Her face was broken as she looked at Emily's chapped lips, her hair a knot on top of her head and bags the colour of a cold winter night hanging under her eyes. Emily didn't reply, instead swallowing the taste of whiskey as she sucked her lips dry.

"I think I'd like to go now, please" Her rouse to try and act a little more sober clearly didn't convince Paige, who did nothing but sigh as she barged her way passed her and out the door.