Disclaimer: Bleach and its characters are not mine.
To: Yoruichi Shihouin
From: Rangiku Matsumoto
Re: Girl's day out?
Yoruichi-san, I've discovered this really awesome spa out here in the Living World – I can't believe that I've never seen it before! My taichou's being an uptight ass as usual, so I took the day off, and I can't find Rukia or Orihime, SOOO... wanna go out and spend the day pampering ourselves?
C'mon, we deserve it... I haven't been shopping ever since the Winter War, would you believe it? And we are gorgeous women – I say if you've got it, flaunt it!
To: Rangiku Matsumoto
From: Yoruichi Shihouin
Re: Re: Girl's day out?
Sure! I'd do a lot more flaunting if I wasn't so afraid of Ichigo keeling over and dying of a heart attack, or Kisuke getting a nosebleed and dripping blood all over the place *wink* And if you're looking for Rukia and Orihime, they're training with the rest of the kids in our underground training area... I have to say, they do a good job of beating Ichigo to the ground.
Speaking of Byakuya-bo's younger sister, isn't it tiring sitting around waiting for her and Ichigo to get together? Wonder when they're going to realize they're head-over-heels for each other... Kisuke and I've got a couple of ideas to get them together. Interested?
To: Yoruichi Shihouin
From: Rangiku Matsumoto
Re: I'm ALL ears!
Ooh, yes! I think the Shinigami Women's Association has tried everything from locking them in a reiatsu-resistant closet (Ichigo just broke it down with his bare hands *sigh*) to sending them notes from each other which were so obviously lovey-dovey invitations (they just met up in the designated spot and decided to have a duel *even bigger sigh*)...
To: Rangiku Matsumoto
From: Yoruichi Shihouin
Re: Ideas
You're going about it all wrong – they're both such insanely stubborn people, they're never going to get together if you throw them at each other! I think we need to go back to the oldest trick in the book – we need to make one of them jealous.
Oh, and we should target Rukia. Definitely the weaker link – she's a girl, isn't she? *smirk* Get Nanao-san to call an emergency meeting of all the Shinigami Women's Association, and throw in Ayasegawa for good measure. He's three-fourths woman anyway.
To: Yoruichi Shihouin
From: Rangiku Matsumoto
Re: Re: Ideas
Oh, oh, I have the PERFECT plan to make Rukia jealous! Nanao said we were going to talk about fundraisers in the next meeting – what about a calendar of the hottest Seiretei guys? Prominently featuring the Shinigami Representative, of course... *hint hint*
Wait, why not make it a calendar featuring JUST Ichigo?
To: Rangiku Matsumoto
From: Yoruichi Shihouin
Re: Re: Re: Ideas
Why not just Ichigo... in the buff? *snicker*
To: Nanao Ise
From: Rangiku Matsumoto
Re: Call a SWA meeting immediately!
Nanao, you absolutely HAVE to call a meeting right NOW! Yoruichi-san's collaborating in our 'Get Ichigo and Rukia Together' effort, and this time, it is SO going to work.
And for our fundraiser – a calendar. Featuring Ichigo. In the buff.
And tell everyone except Rukia to be at their dirtiest. Everyone has to talk about every single sexual fantasy they've ever had about him. (Face it, the boy is *** hot!) In fact, tell them to make up stuff while they're at it. We're going to make Rukia so jealous that she's going to rush out back to the Living World right after the meeting (maybe half-way through, if we're lucky...) and kiss the living daylights out of that strawberry!
- Rangiku
PS – Invite the Visored girls too. I've heard from Kyouraku-taichou that Lisa-san's got a mean imagination. Ask her to get some of her porn too, we can read up! Oh, and get Ayasegawa along – he'll help with his 'beautiful' comments.
PPS – Keep the President away... I don't want Zaraki-taichou massacring the entire Soul Society.
To: Sui-Feng, Retsu Unohana, Isane Kotetsu, Momo Hinamori, Rangiku Matsumoto, Yumichika Ayasegawa, Nemu Kurotsuchi, Kiyone Kotetsu, Yoruichi Shihouin
From: Nanao Ise
Re: Meeting
Members of the Shinigami Women's Association and Yumichika Ayasegawa,
Please note that our next meeting has been brought forward to tomorrow. Make sure that you arrive an hour early – we have a great deal to discuss regarding our fundraisers.
Everyone is required to list the physical assets of Ichigo Kurosaki, the Shinigami Representative from Karakura Town, that they find particularly pleasing. Please elaborate on this, as it will feature importantly in our discussion. If you are not quite sure about what to say, please feel free to fabricate. Rukia Kuchiki has not been informed about this, so attempt to bring the topic in naturally.
Nanao Ise,
Vice-President
PS – The President is not to be informed of this meeting. And yes, I'm looking at you, Ayasegawa-san.
To: Rukia Kuchiki
From: Nanao Ise
Re: Meeting
Members of the Shinigami Women's Association,
Please note that our next meeting has been brought forward to tomorrow. Make sure that you arrive an hour early – we have a great deal to discuss regarding our fundraisers.
Nanao Ise,
Vice-President
To: Lisa Yadoumaru, Hiyori Sarugaki, Mashiro Kuna
From: Nanao Ise
Re: Women's Meeting
Would you be interested in joining the Shinigami Women's Association in our attempt to bring Ichigo Kurosaki and Rukia Kuchiki together as a couple? The meeting is to be held at the Kuchiki Manor tomorrow, at 2:00 P.M.
Please list the physical assets of Ichigo Kurosaki that you find particularly pleasing. We believe that this will be a source of intense jealousy to Rukia Kuchiki, which will possibly help in furthering their relationship.
Lisa-san, please feel free to bring your preferred reading material. This will be extremely helpful to the less... educated among the group.
Thank you,
Nanao Ise,
Vice-President
To: Nanao Ise
From: Lisa Yadoumaru
Re: Re: Women's Meeting
Mashiro can't make it – she's got a date with Kensei, but I'll be there.
To: Nanao Ise
From: Hiyori Sarugaki
Re: Re: Women's Meeting
Of course I'll come! (If I'm not too busy beating up that dumbass Shinji!) It's about time that that dickhead stops mooning around her and actually gets some action!
I could beat him up too, for being the slow idiot that he is. Hey, that might give him some incentive to get off his ass and actually ask her out!
To: Hiyori Sarugaki
From: Nanao Ise
Re: Beating Ichigo up
Thank you for your suggestion, but we'd prefer that he remain in perfect condition – that way there's more to talk about, and more for Rukia to envy. Beating him up would defeat the point of this meeting.
To: Nanao Ise
From: Hiyori Sarugaki
Re: Re: Beating Ichigo up
Oh, I've already thrashed him! Don't worry, I'll get Orihime or Hachi to patch him up.
To: Yoruichi Shihouin
From: Isshin Kurosaki
Re: My son Ichigo, all grown up!
So a little birdie told me that you are planning to get my son and Rukia-chan together as one happy couple!
...
HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME? OH, MASAKI!
WHEN? WHERE? Tell Isshin Kurosaki, and he'll be there! (Hey, that rhymed!)
To: Isshin Kurosaki
From: Yoruichi Shihouin
Re: Shut up already!
Will you shut up with the horrible rhymes already? I already have to deal with one idiot and his whining. (Kisuke's new invention blew up in his face)
It's going to be held at Byakuya-bo's Manor, 2:00 P.M.
Just... no more rhymes, please.
The following is an excerpt from file A of the transcribed records of the meeting of the Shinigami Women's Association on 19/06/11. Recorded by Nemu Kurotsuchi.
Nanao: *cough* The Shinigami Women's Association meeting begins. I will be chairing this meeting as our President, Yachiru Kusajishi is unfortunately... otherwise occupied.
Yumichika (softly): *snicker* And the mysterious pile of candy which appeared from nowhere has nothing to do with –
Nanao: Ayasegawa-san, do you have anything of importance to share?
Yumichika: *gulp* N-no, not really.
Rukia: Why are Yumichika-san and Kurosaki-san here anyway? They're men. This is the Shinigami Women's Association.
Rangiku: *laughs nervously* Ah, they, um...
Isshin: Oh, Rukia-chan, don't you want your future father-in-law by your side all the time? OH, MASAKI, OUR DARLI-
(Sound of a punch, and a body dropping)
Yoruichi: Shut up, Isshin. We decided that they're enough in touch with their female side to qualify for this meeting. Isshin's raised three kids on his own, and Ayasegawa is... well... girly enough to be eligible.
Sui-Feng: Yoruichi-sama is absolutely right as usual!
Nanao: Right. Now that that's cleared up, let's move on to the most important topic on our agenda. As I mentioned in the last meeting, we are need of funding to make sure that the SWA doesn't... go the same way as the Shinigami Men's Association. And we have received some excellent proposals from our members, but the one that we feel would really work well is Rangiku and Yoruichi-san's suggestion –
Rangiku: We're going to design and sell an Ichigo Kurosaki calendar for the upcoming year!
Nanao: It'll sell well considering he's the hero of Soul Society right now.
Kiyone: And a lot of the Shinigami girls have posters of him pasted all over their walls –
Yumichika: And so do some of the men.
Yoruichi: And considering they're going to be nude pictures of him.
Rukia: *chokes* W-What? Nude pictures of Ichigo? Ichigo Kurosaki? The Shinigami REPRESENTATIVE? *coughing fit*
Retsu: Are you all right, dear? Here, drink a glass of water.
(Sound of hungry slurping)
Lisa: There are already josei manga out featuring him. Look, I bought one yesterday.
Hiyori: *sighs* Oh no... here we go again.
(Sound of a minor stampede, and a chair falling over)
Rangiku: Hey, I wanna see too!
Momo: Ne, Lisa-san, doesn't that pose look almost impossible?
Yoruichi: Nope, kiddo – it's definitely possible – take it from someone who's... ah, very experienced. You should ask chibi-taichou to show you that one some time.
Momo: Yoruichi-san! Toshiro and I –
Rukia: I can't see anything!
Yumichika: I have to say, Kurosaki's hair looks beautiful when drawn from that angle.
Retsu: I have to commend you on your choice... Kurosaki-san is quite the sight for sore eyes.
(Silence)
Retsu: What is it? I happen to have seen the man in question unclothed – strictly professionally, of course – and I can unquestionably say that Kurosaki-san has nothing to be ashamed of in terms of endowments.
Rangiku: Err... Unohana-san, you couldn't possibly... maybe, guess at his... uh, measurements?
Retsu: I'd say around 6.4"x 2.2".
(Sound of gasps)
Rukia: You're kidding... no WAY!
Momo: Why, Kuchiki-san, are you interested?
Rukia: N-No, of course not. Why should I be interested in that stupid strawberry?
Isane (hesitantly): If anyone's in doubt... I could second Unohana-taichou's statement.
Kiyone: Wow, Nee-chan, you've seen him? Seen Ichigo Kurosaki in all his naked glory?
Sui-Feng: Much as I'm sure everyone wants to focus... well, below the belt, maybe we should get some pictures of his other features as well – like –
Momo: Like his eyes! I love Kurosaki-san's eyes – they always remind me of honey. And... well, they remind me of the things you can do with honey...
Isshin: He's got a firm butt, too!
(Silence)
Isshin: What? I kick it every day, I should know!
Hiyori: I second that... I kick him every day too, and that dickhead's actually got a pretty good ass.
Kiyone: Oh, oh, do you think we can get a picture of him in his outfit for the final Getsuga Tenshou? The chain thing on his right hand made him look sooo sexy!
Nemu: The Twelfth Division has recordings of the fight for our research, so I can supply you with pictures.
(Excited squeals and whoops)
Nemu: I can bug Kurosaki-san's bathroom to get the pictures for the calendar, as I do not think that he will willingly pose for us.
Rukia: *splutters* W-Wait! You can't just take pictures of Ichigo like that! What about his... uh, what about his privacy?
Retsu: Kuchiki-san, don't you live in his closet when you go to the Living World? Why would you care about his privacy?
Rangiku: Ah, I'm going to have wet dreams for months after this...
Kiyone: Nemu-san, you'd better get to the Living World fast! I can't wait to get hold of those pictures... I think I'm in love...
Rangiku: Well, you have serious competition! Did I tell you about that one gloriously drunken night where Ichigo and I –
Yoruichi: Oh, I'm sure that doesn't beat the time we had at the hot springs. Oh, and in the cave after training... teacher-student love is such a turn on, don't you agree?
Retsu: I think doctor-patient love is even better, dear.
Isane: He does write nice love letters, with all those lovely romantic quotes – I suppose it's because he's such a fan of Shakespeare. Orihime-san showed me one – do you suppose that he likes her?
Rukia: WAIT! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
(Silence)
Rukia: I mean, I thought that Ichigo was... maybe... uh, maybe I should go first because... uh, he knows me best and for the longest time, and I'll, uh... I'll go warn – I mean, I'll get the pictures, is that all right? *weak laugh*
Nanao: Well, if you want to take this on... Does anyone have any objections?
Rukia: Noonehasanyobjections, soI'mgoingtogo, bye-bye!
(Sound of door slamming shut)
End of tape.
To: Ichigo Kurosaki
From: Rukia Kuchiki
Re: STAY IN YOUR ROOM!
STAY THERE! DON'T MOVE AN INCH UNTIL I ARRIVE!
And no matter what, DON'T use the BATHROOM!
To: Rukia Kuchiki
From: Ichigo Kurosaki
Re: Re: STAY IN YOUR ROOM!
Rukia, what the hell? Are you okaaaaaaaaa-
Diary of Ichigo Kurosaki
20th June 2011
3:00 A.M
This is creepy. In fact, this is just downright terrifying.
I have Rukia practically confining me to room-arrest, stalking around my room in my pyjamas, and randomly jabbing Sode no Shirayuki at pillows, and the ceiling, and empty corners of the room. Which for some extremely disturbing reasons, I find hot. Must be the hormones acting up.
I hate puberty.
At least I've managed to keep her away from my volumes of Shakespeare. Though she's been giving them and me dirty glances all night. Why does she keep asking whether I'm writing another of my love letters or not? Is she crazy? Why on earth would I ever write a love letter? Though I've considered sending an anonymous one to her... It's the hormones. It has to be the hormones... right?
And she keeps saying that Orihime must be a very happy girl. Of course Inoue's a happy girl – it's just the way she is. Why does Rukia sound so mad about that?
Oh, but this isn't the weirdest thing about this sexy – sorry, stalkerish and creepy Rukia. For some reason, she insists that I don't set foot in the bathroom. In her words, "If you need to pee, do it in your pants. And don't even think about bathing!"
I'm humouring her for now – I don't want to die. I hope reinforcements from Seiretei arrive soon.
20th June 2011
7:30 A.M
Just spent the past three hours being grilled at sword-point by Rukia. She kept asking me what I did at the hot springs and the cave on the training grounds with Yoruichi-san and at the party with Rangiku-san. What the fuck is she talking about?
Wait, was she talking about that party that everyone alive after the Winter War attended in Seiretei? I did wake up with my head in between Rangiku-san's boobs... uh, chest. But hell, all I did was get hammered!
20th June 2011
7:40 A.M
Very disturbing: I just realized that the reason I let Rukia, well, interrogate me was because I found it sexy. Oh fuck, I have a thing for BONDAGE?
20th June 2011
9:30 A.M
Yuzu just appeared with a tray of food. Rukia intercepted it, thanked her and banged the door shut before I could even get a word out. And Yuzu didn't even ask her what's wrong. This can only mean one thing...
My family knows what the hell is going on, and they're perfectly fine with Rukia going crazy and locking me up! I bet my idiot of a father is behind this!
What did Rukia promise him? Grandchildren?
... Hold that thought.
Well, I didn't want to blow the whole house up, but... I'll Getsuga Tenshou the traitors!
20th June 2011
9:35 A.M
My badge is gone! And so is Kon.
Drat.
20th June 2011
10:10 A.M
Fuck, I can't hold it in any longer, dammit! Why the hell does Rukia think I have an iron bladder?
Fine, if that's the way she wants to play it... I'll just wait until she falls asleep, and then sneak in to the bathroom. She has to fall asleep sooner or later, she's been up for hours! Besides, she's wearing herself out pacing around the room.
20th June 2011
1:05 A.M
Victory! The indomitable Rukia Kuchiki is asleep, and after my sneak visit to the bathroom, life seems a lot rosier.
Funny how the room seems so much more boring since Rukia fell asleep... wonder if I should throw something at her and wake her up? That midget'll go ballistic.
20th June 2011
1:10 P.M
Oh Kami, I'm growing soft... but hell, she does look like an angel when she's sleeping. It's kind of adorable, really.
All right, I'm going to write this once and never again – she looks damn beautiful. And I want to kiss her. Like in one of those movies that Yuzu likes to watch. Shit, I'm going nuts!
20th June 2011
5:50 P.M
Is it just my imagination, or is Rukia looking at my crotch a lot more than usual? And hell, I don't know whether it's a side effect of being locked up with only her for company for almost a whole day, but Rukia looks a lot curvier than before.
Rukia's currently occupied in doing something with a measuring tape. And she's throwing disturbingly calculating glances at me – wait, not me, my crotch. Again.
I should probably ask her why she's doing this, but as proof of my utter insanity – I'm actually liking this. And I still feel like kissing her, even when she's glaring at me. Wait, she's coming towards me, annnnnnnnnn-
20th June 2011
7:30 P.M
It's happened. Dad's going to be ecstatic.
I'm no longer a virgin.
Sooo... yeah. I know I'm supposed to be working on my Harry Potter fic, but this mutant plot bunny just wouldn't let me write in peace.
What do you think of it? Brilliant, good or pathetic? And, um... are the measurements realistic? I really have no idea. And should I continue this? I've got ideas for one or two more chapters.
If you've read this whole trashy fic and then favourited/alerted it, please leave a review too!