Disclaimer: When Sunrise feels the need to write AU fanfic, they just produce another anime/light novel/drama CD. This being the case, you are well justified in your belief that I am not they, and therefor do not own Mai HiME.

Notes: This is likely the result of reading Dune and needing a good laugh. It's not based on that novel really, but if you've read it you'll likely see where the inspiration is. Beta reading was done courtesy of the amazing Crosswood. Remaining errors are mine alone.

Infiltrating the Nohl

Although infiltrating the secretive Nohl society was no joke, Lt Kuga was well on her way. She had a pretty good map of the city structure puzzled out from her perimeter observations, and tonight she had scored something invaluable. She'd managed to snag a uniform, and while it didn't exactly fit well, it was good enough that she could move around without it falling off. It was enough. Assuming she could pass that last hurdle and figure out where what she was looking for would be (everything else was obvious enough…), she could do the infiltration tonight- have those plans and disappear by tomorrow.

Well, that had been her thought, anyway. She hadn't counted on being confronted and accused of thievery during the first twenty minutes. Apparently "trials" in this place consisted of fights to the death. "Might makes right" was an unspeakably stupid system, but Natsuki was just as glad. She figured she had at least three times as good a chance to win a fight than she did at talking her way out of this.

The man was not very tall- which made sense, as she was apparently wearing his clothes. It was hard to place his age, but for his build he was older than she would have expected. Most of the Nohl were rather large. She suspected that this fact made him a bit vicious. He certainly had that look to him.

They circled each other, weapons drawn. Natsuki thought that her stunner knife looked a touch insignificant next to the sonic sword that her opponent was wielding, but again, this was expected since she *was* here to steal information about their weapons. This was going to be a bit tricky.

The trick to fights where you should be outclassed is to do the unexpected. What the Nohl man obviously didn't expect when he launched his attack was, instead of a proper block or counter, for Natsuki to instead throw her knife into his foot, knee him in the balls and take his weapon. At that point she felt a bit guilty, but they had said "to the death" and she really couldn't afford this guy hounding her. It was a nice trick, the sonic sword being so easy to put through someone's neck. She hadn't been looking forward to working at it.

Turnabout was fair play though, as Natsuki was the one surprised next. A large, official looking man came up to her and roughly, but cheerfully slapped her on the back. "Congratulations man, and welcome to the tribe!" …What? She thought, this couldn't possibly be how they did things, could it? "Since you're small and girly like Tein you should fit right into his place."

… and now he thought she was a man? The disguise wasn't *that* good. He started walking, obviously expecting her to follow. She did, brooding on the way. He thought she was a small, girly man- probably an adolescent. It wasn't like she had a masculine figure! She would point to her hair, but these people didn't seem to cut theirs often, so its length wouldn't mean anything. Still… was the man gay? Seriously…

"Here we are," and again the man slapped her shoulders to emphasize his speech. "Your new home. Good thing you're just a girly man and not an actual girl, hmm? Then we would have had to burn you as a witch!" Natsuki was torn between wanting to gulp at the thought of burning, and annoyance that this man obviously thought the only way a woman could beat a man in combat was through witchcraft. Those feelings were lost however, when he continued. "Also, you'd not be able to enjoy your new woman, yeah?" He winked and Natsuki froze. Woman? Oh, this couldn't be good. There was absolutely no way that this could be any kind of good.

Natsuki was still frozen in place when her guide threw aside the heavy canvas that served to cover the entrance to her newly earned home. In fact, before she moved hurriedly to catch up, he was shouting a name. "Shizuru! Come out and meet your new man!"

The woman was tall, slightly taller than Natsuki, which probably meant that her 'old man' hadn't been any taller than her. The woman also had piercing brown eyes that kind of gave the impression of redness. Her eyes also gave the impression that she wasn't fooled at all, and that this whole farce was going to come to a screeching halt any second now. Perhaps if she acted really quickly she could take the big man out and make her escape. She *did* still have that nifty sword…

Then something shifted. The brunette, Shizuru she had to assume, smiled disarmingly and spoke, "For the advancement of the tribe, Honsa-chief. I am honored to receive a stronger warrior into my home."

That sounded ceremonial. Was that ceremonial? Was Natsuki going to have to say something? With these questions running through her head she was unaccountably relieved when the man simply nodded, grinned at her suggestively, then made his leave. Of course, the relief was gone when she turned from watching him exit and saw those calculating eyes on her. She needed to come up with something! "Ah…" No, something better! She'd try to pretend being a guy if she weren't certain that this woman hadn't seen through her lame disguise. Natsuki frowned, why hadn't anyone else? "Alright, what's your price?"

Shizuru raised her eyebrow, "What could my brand new, *honored husband* possibly mean?"

The pause was heavy, possibly qualifying as 'pregnant'. Fine then, playing along was what they were going to do. Natsuki pitched her voice slightly lower than usual, "… Well, alright then. As your husband I'm telling you to wait right here. I'll be back in a few. We'll have loud, celebratory sex or something." She'd have been out the door if it weren't for the body suddenly attached to her back.

"Promises, promises… I'm afraid that you'll have to prove that you're trustworthy before I can just let you walk around as you please. Now, it's time to meet your children."

Children? Natsuki couldn't possibly be responsible for children. What the hell kind of culture was this? … why the hell hadn't she asked this question when she'd been told she was being given someone's 'woman'? This place sucked! With its weirdness and its men that couldn't tell a woman from a boy… Argh, they thought she was a guy! She was going to have to play 'father'. She was in a full panic when Shizuru stopped her motions out of the room abruptly and turned back to face Natsuki.

Shizuru burst into laughter. "Mm, neither of my previous husbands got around to fathering children on me." Was that a victorious look she had to her eyes? "Your face was priceless- when you thought you had to raise children." Shizuru was smiling at her and Natsuki noticed that she was rather pretty that way…

"It probably was," Natsuki admitted while scratching awkwardly at the back of her neck. And then she made her decision on just how she would get the conversation back on track. "I really just didn't want to be killed. I've worked very hard to continue living throughout my life. I'd do a lot in order to not die." Yes, the woman was definitely listening. "What is it you want?"

"You are working for our enemies- either the Gisaad, or the Aran. You are a spy, after weapon or defense secrets as that is the way of the world." Shizuru shifted, "I am a Nohl woman, and thus property- cursed property as I do not seem to produce children. I am also suspected of being a witch. Honsa-chief may even be hoping that I will use my witchcraft to force your secrets from you, but perhaps he just expects me to use my wiles on his brash new warrior," she grimaced before once more turning her extremely calculating gaze on Natsuki. "Tell me who you are, where you are from, and what it is you've come to take- and I shall tell you my price."

Which group did the Nohl hate more? Natsuki wasn't sure. When lying wasn't obviously better, it was generally best to go with the truth. At least that way she'd be less likely to be caught in the lie. "I am Lt. Natsuki Kuga of the Aran Desert Corps. My mission is to recover a blueprint, or at least a component list, of your people's phase lasers so that we can build appropriate defensive equipment." And also the lasers themselves, but did that need to be said?

"And also the phase lasers themselves," apparently Shizuru thought it did need saying.

"Well, probably yes…"

Shizuru nodded, "That is the truth. I could tell you were Aran due to your eyes, and with gentle prompting," she smirked, "you told the truth about the weapons." The brunette drew herself up, as if she was calling all her strength to her. When she spoke, her voice carried both fire and ice. "What I want, as you asked, is to not be a piece of property, won by one man after the next, forced to use trickery at every turn in order to avoid demands that I have never agreed to. I will not expose you. In fact, I shall help you get what you've come for- a simple matter for me. In return you shall take me with you."

"Take you with me!" Natsuki was incredulous. Yes, this was a dreadful place and in all things not to do with killing, most of the people here had been criminally stupid… actually, wanting to leave made perfect sense, but the how of it was legitimately baffling. "What would you do in Aran? How would a Nohl live there?" She didn't ask how Shizuru could get her information. It probably *would* be simple for the woman among these people.

"Natsuki is military, and a spy. Making the right paperwork should be simple for you. As to what I would do… Well, with a little time I'd figure out something." Natsuki didn't really doubt that either. "Do we have a deal?"

Did her eyes just get redder? Natsuki had a bad feeling about this. On the other hand, she also had a good feeling about it. In fact, the more she thought about it, the better a feeling she had. She'd get her information without any more risk. She wouldn't have to find out where they were hiding it. And, she had to admit, a certain part of her approved of taking a woman out of the hands of these fools. She hadn't really been prejudiced against the Nohl before she'd met them. Now, however was a different story. Then again, could she really hope to get away with forging this woman's paperwork and letting her loose on the city? The paperwork wasn't the problem; it was Shizuru getting caught afterward for looking wrong and acting strange. If it were to work, Natsuki couldn't abandon her straight off, but would have to look out for her until she really was able to find some place to sneak into. That could be troublesome as all hell. But then, getting those laser plans… She knew she was going to do it the entire time she argued with herself. She was going to deal with the red eyed devil and to hell with the consequences. Natsuki *liked* saying 'to hell with the consequences' and this wouldn't be the first time it had gotten her into trouble. It might, she shivered, be the last, but that was the kind of thing you faced with her particular character flaw.

"Deal."