Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all rights and characters. It was all her idea (:

A/N: so this is just a one off little thing. It's a snippet of Edward's journal entry after leaving Bella in new moon. Of course my writing won't compare to Stephenie Meyers and I might make some mistakes etc but please review and tell me what you think. Tell me if these short entry things are worth doing or whether I should carry on with the longer stories like my other fan fiction 'This is my life now'. I would be sooooo grateful for feedback and I will try to reply to all reviews etc. Thanks for taking your time to read my things, Laura xxx

Music inspiration: Mayday parade- Miserable at best

'Katie don't cry, I know,

You're trying your hardest,

And the hardest part is letting go,

Of the nights we shared'

'I can live without you,

But without you I'll be miserable at best.

You're all that I hoped I'd find,

In every single way,

And everything I would give,

Is everything you couldn't take,

Cos nothing feels like home,

You're a thousand miles away,

And the hardest part of living is just,

Taking breaths to stay,

Cos I know I'm good for something,

I just haven't found it yet.'

Etc.

Here we go…

For a fleeting moment of my existence I had been complete, I'd smiled with meaning, I'd breathed with reason and I loved with everything I had. My love for Bella is irrevocable, but never before had I been so assured that I was one of the eternally damned. Unable to forget, not for one second, and unable to sleep or even to die. I wished for just one small redemption, one small escape. However even if I had amnesia, I am sure that everything about Isabella Swan was unforgettable.

Her face, transparent with emotion had given her away; I could see everything she felt that moment, confusion, worry, miscomprehension and then complete desolation and despondency. This picture was painted across my eyelids and it stabbed me through my cold, dead heart every time I blinked. What had I done to her?

I could answer that. By leaving I'd removed the mythical and the supernatural from her life and took with it the danger and threat. But at the same time, I'd ripped her life as she'd known and liked it, to shreds. I'd said to her 'Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve' and I hoped her pain could fall away threw that sieve as well as her memory of me.

There was a selfish part of me that hoped she would remember me, think of me when she got married or achieved great things, as I knew she could, but I quickly cursed myself for it. 'It will be as if I'd never existed' I'd promised her. I needed it to be like that for her, she just had to be safe, free from the person who could hurt her the most. Who had hurt her the most.

I hoped she'd experienced the most pain she ever would now. That with the removal of me and my family, her pain followed behind us like the whiplash for my discrepancy. My kind was not meant to love her kind and it was entirely my fault. I endangered the most precious person I would ever meet and I deserved punishment. I'd relentlessly pray for her, if it could help her, and I didn't know if it could, and besides God overlooked me the day I became a venom penetrated ice cube.

There was no-one for creatures like me. Bella may hate me for what I've done to her, and I wouldn't blame her at all, but nobody could ever feel hatred like I felt for myself.

For a collection of short months I was whole. Her love had given me life and I fed off it, thrived from it. I'd never really taken a breath or seen the beauty of the world before her, and now I'd left her, everything was blurry again, smeared, because I did not deserve beauty. I didn't deserve her beauty and I certainly didn't deserve the life she injected into me.

I'd achieved nothing constructive in my existence, I'd forced my love into a world where she didn't deserve to belong. I was destructive. I crushed everything beautiful, everything meaningful and everything important, poisoning it with my touch.

I could only hope there was something waiting for Bella after, somewhere I couldn't touch her, somewhere I was banished from. Somewhere for the saints and the loving. She gave me happiness I didn't merit, I'll love her literally evermore.

A/N: Thanks for reading. Please please please review. I'll love you forever, Laura xxx