Under the light
The room was dark.
It was better for these cases. But the darkness was hiding things she didn't want to acknowledge, the things she wasn't seeing even when everyone else did.
Helen found him by his heavy breathing.
It was loud, very loud, like he was bigger, monstrous, but it was still him.
The man she nearly killed with her ignorance.
"Will," she whispered slowly.
He didn't move; he was cuddled in the corner of the room, his body in a fetal position against the cold wall.
Cold, that was another condition for his state. Cold is better, cold is lowering the pain, cold is making him numb and less dangerous to himself, or her.
She wasn't supposed to be here, she knew that.
Her presence wasn't helping him, he wasn't even aware of it but she got to see him, see his pain and this way, share it with him.
She was, after all, the cause of this.
"Will," she tried again, coming closer to his hurting body.
Again, no reaction.
"Will, please."
Helen Magnus wasn't the pleading type, but in this moment she just didn't care.
She came even closer, ignoring the danger.
He could lash out, but his condition wasn't monitored enough to be completely sure. All other patients were dead before they could come to some kind of conclusion, so she didn't know what to expect.
Other patients showed signs of violation, but they didn't know if it was accidental or they reacted on some kind of stimuli.
They knew so little.
Kneeling on the hard floor, Helen brought her hand to his cheek. It was cold and hot at once. He had a strong fever, but wasn't reacting to any kinds of usual drugs.
"Will, I am so sorry, it…."
She didn't have a chance to finish.
He was on his feet in a flash, and she found herself pinned to the wall, his face millimeters from hers, his eyes flashing yellow.
Their breath mixed, and Helen found herself breathing hard in unison with him.
"Get out," he growled through his teeth and threw her hard on the opposite wall.
She hit her head, losing her vision for a moment.
Then she heard the door opening, and strong hands grasping her at waist and getting her out.
The last thing she saw was Will´s sunken body, smoke rising from a large wound on his chest.
He didn't even wait till she opened her eyes.
"What the hell were you trying to do? Kill yourself? I am sure that young William wouldn't appreciate this gesture," said Nikola applying some cream on her wound.
She didn't answer.
Saying that she wanted to torment herself with a sight of him, really wasn't an answer that would let them forget about this.
Pretending to sleep could, at least for a while.
But she should've known better.
"I am not buying your little act, Helen," he said pushing harder and making her hiss.
"I was thinking you were trying to stop the ache, not to cause it," she said and sat up, trying to get away from him.
"Changed my mind," he said and smirked, showing his perfect teeth.
"How is Will?" she asked when she remembered his battered body.
"My little electroshock just calmed him down. Helen, he could have killed you! You know he is very unstable."
"We need to understand," she said a bit louder that she intended. She knew that Will wasn't Nikola´s favorite person, but was she the only one who was willing to do everything to help him?
"Nice try, though it didn't help us at all," he said and started to remove his gloves.
She didn't respond. It was true, she didn't help him. She just let Nikola enjoy the little electric torment.
"You should get some rest. That wound is a nasty one."
She nodded without resistance.
The bouncing was making her head hurt more.
When a voice followed, she slowly made her way to the door, opening it.
"Mom," Ashley exhaled in relief and quickly hugged her."I am glad you are okay," she said into her hair.
"It was nothing, you didn't need to bother," she smiled reassuringly.
Her daughter didn't buy it.
"I saw the tape; Henry was viewing it when I came back. It could have ended badly."
"But it didn't," she said and slowly made her way back to bed.
Ashley followed her. "Mom, I know you are blaming yourself, but what happened to Will isn't your fault. You warned him before this," she was repeating this all over again.
It wasn't helping.
Helen sighed. She didn't want to heard this again, didn't want to argue about it again.
"No, Ashley. Here you are mistaken, it is completely my fault. Please, can you leave me alone, I need to rest." She said, and lied back on the bed, not facing Ashley.
"Ok, mom," said Ashley.
Her mother didn't send her away very often; usually she tolerated her presence to the very last moment.
This was getting to her very hard.
Ashley closed the door quietly and made her way to SHU.
She needed to speak with Henry.
Helen couldn't sleep. Will's face hovering inches from hers was still vividly on her mind. Looking into his eyes, she could feel his pain, his want.
She wanted to cry and scream and hit herself.
How could she allow this to happen? How could she let this happen to Will?
He was trying to help other patients and in the end he was one of them.
And it was because of her. The others didn't know anything, didn't know what she tried to do.
She may not believe in karma, but everything was coming back to her.
"No, Helen. I don't think this is a good idea," he argued even when he knew he will let her do it. He was under her spell.
"But, James. It could work. We will have him in our hands and could try to retreat the madness. You know it can work," she said, desperation evident in her voice.
"We cannot know what it will do to him. Maybe it will be worse?"
"It couldn't be worse thanit is now," she said, looking so sad that James knew that in this moment, he lost.
They didn't try it, but that didn't matter now.
She wanted to use it and now she was paying the price, or worse.
Will was.
Sleep was too elusive tonight. Magnus stopped bothering with it and sat up, massaging her temples. As she looked at herself in the mirror, the memories appeared in her mind.
Of the night when her life took the horrible turn.
"Helen! Helen!"
She heard his voice, but she couldn't react, it was impossible. She felt broken.
Helen Magnus wasn't a weakling, but her life never showed her so much cruelty before. She had her work, her father and to this very moment, she thought she had John.
But she lost him because of her work.
See where your priorities led you? Said a voice in her head, the one that warned about John´s strange behavior.
The one she was ignoring, the one she hated and the one that was in the end, right.
"Helen, please! Open the door."
James´ urging continued and Helen raised her head from the pillow.
She may have sacrifice her love for her work, but her work would get him back.
A very different woman got up from bed, and the old Helen Magnus stayed there forever.
As she continued to stare in the mirror, she wondered which Helen Magnus was sitting on this bed now.
She found herself staring at the creature.
Helen was actually on her way to lab, but stopped by its place.
It was sitting on the floor in some kind of stasis.
Fors lumen was a name used in many books, but it was a very unexplored abnormal, mostly because of its ability. Many great scientists fell under its influence.
Helen was always very understanding, she could grasp every kind of defense, every dangerous ability. Everything was for a reason; she learned this a long time ago.
And she could understand this one, too. Because of its repulsive look, this abnormal needed a defensive system. Fors lumen was a pachyderm, living partly in water and usually could be found in everglades. Its main source of nutrition was young bark off trees, and therefore it evolved a complicated system of skin breathing by large pools of mucus on its body.
Basically it meant, that it looked horrible, and in the early years, Helen suspected many horror creatures were influenced by this one.
To defend itself, fors lumen released powerful pheromones that made a person in its presence often addicted to them. It was far worse than a drug addiction, the infected felt powerful, happy, and for all of them, it proceeded to madness.
That were all facts, but the facts didn't help her not to hate it.
She saw it with her own eyes, the madness and slow death, usually by their own hand. They succeeded in each environment they put them in.
Because of that, someone outside Will´s room all the time.
But she knew that it would come, sooner or later.
She shook her head and continued on her way.
It was time to do something about it, and she had a plan.
"And how do you plan to do that?" asked Nikola in a mocking voice.
Everyone was staring at her in expectation.
They were all sitting in her makeshift-office in the infirmary; she held their meetings here, now, to be closer to Will. It was actually nice, the whole family sitting together because one of them was in the trouble. She would smile at the thought, if the circumstances were better.
"We need to recreate that feeling without using any drugs, just by environment," she said. She was thinking about it all night and it seemed logical, showing him the care, the love, recreating the feeling without using any drugs.
The worst thing about that was that for this job, was Will best.
"It wouldn't work," said Nikola without any fight. Helen didn't even bother to try to persuade him, she knew it would be a lost cause.
"Why not?" asked Henry, looking angry, sending Nikola an unfriendly glare, Ashley was mimicking it too.
"Because, he will kill you or anyone who will spend a lot of time with him, you want me to show you evidence?"Nikola said sounding like his obnoxious himself.
"I will do it by myself," said Helen determinately.
"But mom, after what happened last time, you sure about it?" asked Ashley, looking concerned.
"I can take care of myself," a part of her thought was her responsibility, only hers.
"We don't doubt that, but he is very unpredictable."
"I know, but does someone have other ideas?"
There was no response, but she didn't feel victorious at all.
Ashley found her in Will´s room.
Helen was sitting on his bed, going through some book.
"What is this about?" she asked and sat next to her.
Helen raised her head and smile a little at Ashley.
"It is about addictions, trust Will to have a book for everything," she was slowly closing the book, but noticed something on the first page.
"For William, a very talented student: You will change the world."
A tear appeared in Helen´s vision.
"Mom?" Ashley asked looking concerned at her. She was slowly stroking the words, mesmerizing them, finding so much truth in them.
"I am feeling well, Ashley," she said, breathing and shaking the tears from her eyes.
Ashley's posture changed and Helen noticed that she was preparing for an attack.
"You are hiding something from me, and it has something to do with that abnormal," she said, absolutely sure about it.
Sometimes it was so obvious that they were mother and daughter.
Helen looked again at the book and started speaking her head down the whole time.
"When we figured out John was the one murdering the prostitutes, I had just found out that I was pregnant.
"I was desperate; I wanted him back, to build a family with him.
"At that time, I came across the Legend of Fors Lumen, a powerful abnormal who could help you dominate a person."
She stopped for a moment, waiting for Ashley to catch up.
She did, almost immediately. "It's the same abnormal," she said after a while.
Helen nodded. "Nikola was studying it. He can get close to it; his vampire side preventing him from falling under its influence. I came with the idea of making a gas from its pheromones. I wanted to use it on John, using its pheromones to influence and give me a chance to try and reverse his madness."
Helen exhaled tiredly looking at her own hands.
She was still feeling guilty for it.
"What happened?" asked Ashley and put her hands on her mother´s.
"I couldn't do it. I wanted to play god."
Helen quickly removed one hand from Ashley's and caught one tear before she could find a way out.
"So, you didn't do it, what's the big deal then?"asked Ashley trying to understand her logic, it was sometimes really difficult.
But not many people had a mother in the age of their great grandmother.
The hand that was still in her grasp shook a little.
"Ashley, I nearly did it. I nearly destroy a man's life for my own selfish reasons."
"But mom, you cannot…"
But Helen didn't listen. She was already on her feet; leaving the talk she didn't want to have again, Will´s book firmly grasped in hand.
Here I go, thought Helen, when she was standing before Will's cell, her hands full of photos.
She didn't allow them to restrict him, he should feel comfortable, and that was the point after all.
He wasn't in the corner anymore, now he was lying in the middle of the room but still in the same position.
Before entering, Helen took off her shoes, and barefoot, she made her way to him.
Again, he didn't show any sign that he registered her presence. They still weren't sure if it is good.
She kneeled by him and put all the photos on the floor starting to speak.
About Will's first day at the sanctuary, about everything they came through together. What they archived, all the memories.
She presented everything with a photo.
Him and Henry playing videogames, the two of them arguing over the right amount of sugar in a tea, his fighting lessons with Ashley, everything was there.
But Will didn't move, just lied there, without a sound or movement.
When she was finished, she just collected all the photos and left.
There wasn't a right way to say what she was feeling.
Nikola was standing outside in his white coat.
"Now, can I try the drug treatment?"
"No, it was only a first try. Give him time," she said, still staring at the huddled figure.
"Helen, this is ridiculous and you know it," Nikola turned to her.
"He isn't sensing anything, just the absence of pheromones. You are just risking your life."
She looked as if she wasn't hearing him at all, ignoring him.
If Nikola Tesla hated one thing, it was being ignored
"You are letting your feelings get in the way, like you did with John," he said the words she didn't want to hear the most. She was afraid of them, of the truth in them.
"You don't know what you are talking about," she said quietly.
"No, Helen, I know very well what I am talking about. You like that boy, more then you are showing, and you are risking everything because of that affection," he said, the words leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.
She turned sharply to look at him, and he saw like the realization dawn on her.
The words cutting old wounds and making them hurt again.
But it wasn't only her wounds, it was Nikola´s too.
She tried.
She tried every single day. Sitting by him, talking to him and afterwards, arguing with Nikola.
She started to regret calling for his help, but he had experiences with the creature, after her, he knew most about it.
But he was showing his disapproval each day, making her feel miserable.
And Will, well, he was still the same.
Any change at all, the only positive progress was that in contrary to other patients, he didn't try to kill himself.
Nikola said that enough time hadn't passed but she liked to think that it was because of her treatment.
Will´s book was helping her a lot, there were enough examples of helping addictives and she spent every night reading it again and again.
"For William, a very talented student: You will change the world."
She was still returning to those words, finding so much truth in them every time.
He did change her world in so many ways.
She hoped he would change it even more, he just needed a chance.
The coldness of the floor was only indication that she wasn't sleeping. You didn't feel anything when you are dreaming, did you?
Helen didn't know, but she wanted. She wanted to feel what Will is feeling, maybe then she could find the right approach.
"You shouldn't be here all alone, Lucy."
"I am not afraid of the night creatures," she said without turning around.
He came closer, pretending that he was studying the mosaic near her head but looking at her worried stance. When Helen Magnus was worried, the world should be afraid.
But it was different with the affairs of the heart.
"Maybe you should be. I may have a big lust on fresh blood," he said mimicking his vampire voice.
"Yes, and then you will turn into a bat and fly through the window," Helen said and finally turned around, the brief smile was already disappearing, but Nikola gave himself credit for it anyway.
"I am not going to stop trying," she said, a determination evident in her voice.
"You are losing time, the drugs may not have a big influence on his brain," Nikola argued gesturing wildly with his hands. He didn't want her to be worried so much.
Not for Will.
"But they are too strong; they could leave permanent damage. I am not going to risk that."
"So you are risking your life. I never believed that Helen Magnus could be so stupid!"
Nikola didn't know what caused such strong anger. Was it fear, or something more?
"Believe in whatever you want, I am not going to give up!"
And that was it. Helen turned around and went in the direction of the SHU, leaving Nikola standing in the corridor.
His knuckles itched; he hoped that she didn't like that mosaic very much.
His first attempt came as a big surprise. They weren't expecting it; he was stronger than the others.
It was the first time Helen let Nikola's words get to her, and truth in them making her stay awake through the nights.
A month passed and even Ashley and Henry started to doubt her treatment, trying to change her mind about the drugs Nikola created.
But she kept going, trying not to lose her faith in Will, hoping that he was still somewhere hidden.
She sighed tiredly before his door.
In her hand was his book, it was the sentence she wanted to use, to show him how important he was to her.
He was sitting, his back to the wall. That was the first thing that was different.
She didn't want to see something in it, get her hopes up and be disappointed.
Helen sat in front of him and showed him the book.
"I found this book in your room. It really helped me a lot. The words on the front, they showed me how important you are to me. Will, you should know that you changed me more than anyone ever did. "
She breathed deeply. "You are challenging me, showing me that not only option must be right."
She looked at him.
Nothing.
"Will, please," she never pleaded so much in her life.
Memories of the past came to her like a blow, seeing John killing the woman, seeing him with the madness in his eyes from where she saw so much love.
She saw her future in those eyes.
Those eyes were dead, like the future, and when she raised her head she saw that Will raised his head too and was looking at her.
"Will?" she asked, touching his hand.
"Get out," he said quietly.
She knew that she should listen to him.
But it was the first time he communicated, and she didn't want to let the hope go.
"Will, talk to me. I know that you wouldn't hurt me, let me help you, please."
"Get out, Helen," he said again, a bit louder now.
She didn't have chance to respond.
He was quicker than she was, and she found herself in the same position against the wall.
His hands gripped her face.
She was afraid, really afraid.
His hands then came to her neck and started to push.
Harder and harder and she wasn't fighting it, wasn't fighting that feeling of despair.
She heard the blow of the door, but with her hand, held the team back.
"Will, when you came, many things were different. Your curiosity made me feel more important showed me new approaches to my work, made me love it even more. You are important to me, more than you can imagine."
Tears were in her eyes and he was looking directly into them.
Then he blinked and slowly removed his hands.
She choked on her tears and a smile was slowly making its way on her face.
Because his eyes weren't empty anymore.
Epilogue
"I hoped I find you here," she said, standing at Will's office door.
He smiled at her, and came around his desk and leaned on it.
"I am pretty behind my schedule," he said , and was rewarded with a laugh.
"You have as much time as you need," Helen said and made her way to him.
She raised her hand and showed him what she was holding. "Your book, I should give it back."
He took it and looked at it. "I received it from my psychology professor after I graduated," he said and opened it.
"I really liked him," he said, remembering.
"He liked you too," she said thinking about the dedication.
"Magnus, I can't thank you enough."
"You already did," she smiled and exited his office.
She left him with a smile on his face and a lot of thoughts.