I'm Fine
She didn't tell him because she didn't want sympathy. She didn't want him to protect her and she didn't want him to see her soften. But in all honesty, she didn't tell him because she didn't want him to believe that she needed him. Or maybe she was just trying to convince herself.
Olivia "I'm fine" Benson.
Two months later and she still hadn't told him, had no intention of telling him, and really could not see what all the fuss was about. He was starting to notice her weekly disappearances to "the gym," she'd lied ("Like you've got time to work out," he'd retort), but it would only be a matter of time before someone she knew recognized her at the shrink's office.
"What do you tell victims?" Cragen had said when she protested the therapy. And when she didn't answer (because she knew what he was going to say), "Get help. You're not good to the squad, (he leaned forward) or your partner (this got her attention), freezing up every time a case like this comes along." Case like this... she put it on repeat and knew he was right.
So she made the appointment and for two months 'the woman' had been trying to get her to tell Elliot "what happened". Bullshit, Olivia thought fiercely, she couldn't see the value in doing so whatsoever. And then was so pleased with the disagreeable nature of this remark that she actually said it to Dr. Taylor, and a second time, louder, to be sure she didn't miss a single. stressed. syllable.
Olivia went to great lengths to keep the court date, when she was due to testify against the bastard who nearly raped and murdered her, from her partner. She'd gone as far as mysteriously causing his computer to crash when the memo went out - all data lost, and sadly her time spent at Computer Crimes were not able to help him out. She smiled weakly to herself that day, and watched him rewrite at least a dozen field reports, a twinge of guilt gnawing at the pit of her stomach.
And yet somehow, as she began to recall the sickening, soul decaying experience of two months prior, Elliot fucking Stabler walked in through the double oak doors. They made eye contact briefly as he sat down on the prosecution side. His face was soft, unmoving, and his eyes - beautiful.
She didn't want to continue (how could she? With him there, distracting and perfect.), her voice faltering momentarily, but she caught sight of various victims' families in the pews, and continued.
Afterward, she left the courtroom quickly, careful not to look in his eyes, afraid she might not be able to look away. She avoided him all day, almost all week. Only speaking when they had too, and only ever about work. She never stood less than two feet from him, never close enough to smell his cologne, and she never allowed him to make her coffee. Not one cup, all week.
He tried asking her questions, questions like, "How are you," and, "What's up?" And her answer was always the same: "I'm fine, El." He knew she was lying, because he'd seen her soften - he'd seen her break. And that was not okay. Because it wasn't on her terms.
***
Olivia stepped inside the elevator, it was suddenly quiet as the doors slid to a close. As the doors opened and closed for various passengers, she caught glimpses of windows - the rain outside, a night come too soon. She could hear sketches of conversation and ringing phones; before long the noise stopped and she was joined, quite unexpectedly, by Elliot. And they were alone in the elevator.
She caught his eyes, they was blue and beautiful. Something ripped at her stomach, but she said nothing, and focused on the doors in front of them. She could sense his unease - like he wanted to say something but was holding back. She almost wanted to cry. She'd done that to him. A man once so honest with her, willing to say anything, would talk about the world with her - and now he was... silent, holding back.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner-" she was cut off as his hand suddenly enclosed around hers. She turned her head towards him, he wasn't smiling, but there was a calm in his eyes, a relief in his expression that sent a warmth throughout her body. Her fingers intertwined with his in response, and she exhaled a breath she felt like she'd been holding on to for two months.
End.