More Than Meets the Eye?

by Lirulin

Disclaimer: You know the deal. Everything belongs to the wonderful J.K.Rowling.

So, this is the companion piece to "To Thine Own Self be True?", from Sirius' POV. It's not absolutely necessary that you read the other story but I advise you to do it anyway. Helps you to understand the other side, so to speak. Hope you enjoy it!

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I'm a Black (somewhat), and you never know what to expect of me.

I'm now in my 7th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and I intend to make it one of my best, it being the last year and all.

So far, it's been nothing but absolutely great. I mean, barely a month has passed and James and I have already landed us two weeks of detentions. Not that I care, for it was well worth it!

And the Detention-Record is now definitely ours!

Our personal file – or should I say drawer – in Filch's office does now include several more "crimes", such as flooding the Slytherin Common Room (after which the snakes all resembled drowned rats), charming a shampoo bottle to follow Snivellus around and shout "Use me!" every other minute and turning all the desks in McGonagall's classroom into little rubber mouses (I swear she very nearly started chasing them!).

Those are of course only a few examples out of our "Cabinet of hideous Pranks and Misdeeds". I could talk for hours about the stunts we've already pulled and laugh myself silly over it. And there's still lots and lots more planned, they won't know what hit them! We're already thinking about our traditional "End of the Year Prank", we have to leave with a bang after all, so that the teachers don't forget what they'll be missing come next year...

When I look back over the past 12 months, I really have to say that everything turned out much better than I had dared hoping at one point during last year's summer holidays.

Those holidays have been absolutely life-changing for me, because I finally escaped the shark-pit otherwise known as my family. It was the best decision I've ever made.

I still remember everything quite clearly.

The summer had been terrible from the beginning, living in Grimmauld Place was hell and I was constantly willing time to pass faster. So in essential, it was business as usual.

I've never gotten along well with my relatives – and that's a very nice way of putting it. We hate each others guts would be more accurate. All of them are extremely old-fashioned pureblood-fanatics who believe that the Dark Arts should be taught at school, that Halfbloods, Muggleborns and Muggles in general should be wiped out or at the least enslaved and that the Dark Lord Voldemort actually has the right way of going about things. All in the name of the "Purification of the Wizarding Race".

I've never understood how they can believe in the rubbish they've also tried to instill into me and I think they are just mental – all of them. Completely off their rocker. They would be better of at the Closed Ward in St. Mungos.

Whenever Regulus declares once again that he wants to become a Death Eater and gets praised by my parents for "bringing honor to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black", whenever my bloody cousin Bellatrix talks about how she'd have no qualms whatsoever about extinguishing entire Muggle-villages, something inside me snaps and I just can't keep silent. And I also don't want to keep silent.

I have to tell them how sick they make me and how disgusted I am to be a part of this family. This, of course, always results in a fight. I can't count the shouting matches that me and my mother have had over the last six years.

I just cannot – and will not – keep everything inside.

Their beliefs are completely ridiculous! I mean, the Muggleborns are the same as us "Purebloods", some are even better at magic than the "representatives" of the "Old Lines" (I never ever want to cross Lily Evans when she's having one of her temper tantrums. I value my life.)

And so I tell them. I don't care whether they like me or not or wish me death ten times over or whatever, I've got my friends and that's enough for me.

But somehow, last summer it was exceptionally bad.

My mother was constantly picking on me, insulting me, my friends and Gryffindors in general, declaring how ashamed and disappointed she was to have a son like me. My snake of a brother was playing perfect son again, trailing behind me wherever I went and reporting every wrong step I made back to our parents. And my father was not indifferent as usual, but downright hostile towards me, threatening to cut me off from our Gringotts' vaults should I not come round to see things their way.

It was almost unbearable, and that's saying a lot, 'cause I'm normally quite capable of dealing with the things they decide to throw at me. Be it words or plates, which my mother did once, actually, before 4th year, but it hit darling Regulus instead of me. Bloody wanker deserved it for telling her that I had set fire to a portrait of great-grand aunt Belvina. The blasted painting had been hanging in my room for 14 years and I just couldn't stand that pinched face and her constant nagging anymore. Her looks were greatly improved afterwards...

Anyway, there dawned one day when I decided I wouldn't take it anymore. I would not take any more of their shit.

My mother was once again ranting about what a disgrace to the "Family Name" I was, how unacceptable my whole behaviour and mannerisms were (because I was, at that point, still the heir) and why would I not look up to Bellatrix, who was conducting herself as was befitting of a Black, upholding traditions and trying to bring about the "rightful order as has been laid down by the great Salazar Slytherin".

At that point I really wondered if the Dark Arts had finally melted her brain. Hadn't she heard anything I had said over the past years? As if I'd ever look up to that bitch!

And then she started on my cousin Andromeda, the only sane person in this pack of lunatics – aside from Uncle Alphard perhaps ... and me of course. Andromeda followed her heart and I'm very proud of her for that. She's so happy now and little Nymphadora is simply adorable. We weren't to have contact with her, but it's not as if I ever cared about anything my mother told me to do.

So, that ... that evil witch called Andromeda a blood-traitor, who had tarnished the family's reputation and had brought shame to the Blacks, said "that brat of hers" was an abomination of the worst kind and should never be allowed to set foot into the Wizarding world (along with every other person she deemed unworthy), even stated that she'd rather see "that common whore" dead sooner than later and would gladly give a reward to whomever accomplished this feat.

I had enough then. I would not listen to her brain-washed insanities or allow her to abuse my favourite cousin like this any longer.

I blew up.

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up! What in the blazes gives you stupid cow the right to talk about Andromeda like that? She's a thousand times better than the whole bunch of you thrown together!

"I can't believe how pathetic you are, you and the rest of my 'wonderful' family, following a raving mad-man like headless chicken! How can you tolerate, let alone think it's right what he's doing to Muggleborns, Halfbloods or so called blood traitors? It's murder! M-U-R-D-E-R! Do I have to spell it out for you?

"Even Azkaban would be too good for you! You really are the lowest scum I've ever had the misfortune of knowing! And to have to call you family, which you've never been to me in the least! The way you've treated me just because I don't think it's perfectly fine to torture little children into insanity!

"But I really don't care anymore! I give a damn about you, and you and your fucked up wannabe Dark Lord should do the world a favour and drop down dead soon! You're all so... so disgusting and I'm now officially out of here! I hope I never have to see your sorry faces again!"

I packed my things immediately and not half an hour later I was gone. And boy was I happy to be finally out of this place.

I stayed at James' house for the rest of the holidays (I'm still grateful to his parents, they cared more about me in 5 weeks than my mother did in 16 years), and I think it was one of the best summers I had had so far.

I was, of course, instantly disowned and blasted off of the family tree, but that didn't faze me one bit. I never wanted to be part of this 'oh so pure' clan anyway and now I don't have to associate with all my stuck-up, prissy, dark-arts-loving relatives anymore.

I'm very happy with the developments that took place.

I've always believed in stating my opinion loud and clear, because honestly, where's the sense in bottling everything up inside?

And I've never regretted this choice...

888

Breakfast time this morning is business as usual.

Peter is trying to find out how many pancakes he can stuff into his mouth without choking while dying the tablecloth pumpkin-juice-orange for the third time this week. James is desperately trying to gain Evans' attention, though I doubt making her toast hit her in the face will help any. And Remus is calmly reading 'Hogwarts – A History' (how one can read that book more than once is still beyond me), while I'm persuading him to give me his Transfiguration homework.

He's refusing at the moment, but I'm positive he'll budge soon enough. No one can resist my charm for long! And anyway, I know the stuff, I just had better things to do yesterday evening.

James is now hiding behind me, because Evans is shooting her patented death-glare at him and he's whining again.

"What did I do wrong, Padfoot? Why is she so angry?"

I just roll my eyes.

"Oh, I don't know Prongs! Perhaps it has something to do with the honey sticking in her hair and dripping down her face."

He looks very thoughtful now and I start laughing. Him and his infatuation are a never-ending source of amusement for me.

My eyes wander through the Great Hall and are inexplicably drawn to my cousin Narcissa, which has happened more and more often in recent times.

And somehow I can't help myself thinking that she looks ... I don't know ... misplaced there at the Slytherin table. As if she doesn't really belong there...

I shake my head in disbelief. Where is this strange notion coming from? She is a 'true Black', as Aunt Druella liked to point out with pride, and as much a follower of those pureblood-ideals as Bellatrix ... or not?

A few memories are flashing through my head.

The family gathering where I called my mother a "dark-arts-infested old hag" in front of everyone, for example. I'll never forget the look on her face! And the others were all so outraged! It was priceless!

But looking back, one thing strikes me as odd. Narcissa was not saying a word. She was just sitting there with this indescribable look in her eyes. I didn't pay attention to it at the time, I really couldn't care less about Narcissa what with my mother practically jumping in my face, but now I'm trying to recollect that look... It could've been something like ... agreement mixed with sorrow and ... longing?

That sounds pretty much impossible, even to my ears which are used to some really weird stuff, we're talking about the most vain and haughty person I've ever known, after all. Why should someone like her ever have a look like this? She's the 'model Black', she'll even marry that prick Lucius Malfoy next year.

So, have I perhaps only been imagining it...?

More memories are surfacing, concerning the times I've met Narcissa on parties or other social events, and strangely enough, I always see her with this look in her eyes that I can't quite put my finger on.

On another page is the fact that I honestly don't have much against her. I don't feel the same loathing as for, say my mother or Regulus or Bellatrix.

She also has never actively done anything to me, as far as I can remember. Narcissa never joined in the verbal assaults I received from my 'family' on a regular basis and she was also never present when my other "dearest cousin" tried to attack me from behind again.

I've never really wondered about that fact until now. I've always thought she was completely in accordance with the family and everything they were doing, but... Could it be differently? Could there be more behind the attitude of an arrogant, high-society girl? ...

Whoa! Stop it right there! Why am I even thinking about her?! What is written in her eyes shouldn't matter to me in the least and I should definitely not start analyzing her behaviour! I don't even really know her and I also don't want to get to know her.

Because I don't care for her at all and that's that!

I tear my gaze away from her and focus my attention once again on getting that Transfiguration homework.

But in the back of my head, there's this annoying little voice, telling me, "You do like her somewhat. And you wish she was different than the rest of them."

I decide to just ignore the blasted thing for now.

888

It's after midnight and I'm on my way back from the kitchens, from a very late late-night snack. I wanted something sweet and as the house-elves are always more than happy to provide you with anything you need, that was really no problem. Honestly, they'd roast you a dragon if you'd ask them to.

I like the nightly corridors of Hogwarts. There are dark spaces to hide you from Filch and his filthy cat everywhere and the best plans are usually carried out at night.

I'm just about to round a corner when I have to stop abruptly.

There, in front of me, is Narcissa.

I didn't think I'd meet anyone here, least of all her, and for a brief moment I wonder if she is spying for the Slytherins, this near to Gryffindor Tower.

"What are you doíng here? I didn't think you Slytherins had it in you to break a school rule."

I can't help being perhaps a bit biting. It's so very unusual for one of their lot to wander around after curfew and in our territory to boot.

I'm waiting for the typical arrogance, the sneer and the belittling remark, but strangely enough she just lowers her eyes.

"I ... I couldn't sleep. And ... I wanted to .. I had to get out."

I wasn't counting on anything like that. What is wrong with her? I've never heard her voice sound so... so timid and somehow empty. And a bit of sympathy is creeping up on me.

"Why? What do you mean?"

She glances into my eyes for a short moment, and what I see in hers is confusing me greatly. Uncertainty, fear, this longing I thought I'd seen before. I wonder what could possibly have changed her, if it is true at all...

She has never spoken to me like this, whenever we met there had always been that note of bored superiority in her voice. Now it's completely gone... I don't know what to make of this.

Finally she seems to reach a decision.

"It was just too much, I couldn't bear it anymore."

Suspicions are flaring up in me all of a sudden. Why indeed should she talk to me like that? Although she's never outright insulted and antagonized me like her sister, we've never gotten along in any way.

And now, out of the blue, she's talking to me as if I was a close confidant of hers, as if she trusted me.

This could be an elaborate plan from the Slytherins, and when I've lowered my guard and am all comforting and nice, they'll strike...

But as soon as they've come, the suspicions are gone again. I know I'm quick in jumping to conclusions. Perhaps she is really being honest with me and is just overwrought because of the whole marriage business.

This time next year she'll be Mrs. Lucius Malfoy and I'm absolutely certain that Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus are ecstatic about it. In their eyes he's got to be the best catch she could've made, what with him being from one of the oldest pureblood lines in the country and on top of that swimming in galleons. Nothing less for a Black, after all we're 'practically royal', as I've had to hear more often than I can count.

So, it's quite possible that she's already planning what dress to wear, which flowers should be used and the entire ceremony as well. I've never understood what it is with girls and weddings. They go all teary-eyed and say things like, "Awww! The bride is so beautiful! Do you see the lace trimming there? And the pearls in her hair!" I mean, it's just a dress and really not that interesting...

But I hope she explains to me what she couldn't bear anymore, because I have to admit I'm quite curious as to why she is so not her own self.

"I don't get it. What was too much? Did you look at too much wedding gowns and now all you see is white or what? You must be really happy, already planning and all..."

I must've said something absolutely horrible, because all of a sudden a frightening thing happens: she starts crying.

"You don't know anything!"

She's almost yelling at me before dissolving into huge sobs. I feel completely helpless. I've never been very good at consoling people, least of all crying women. But I want to do something, I have to do something, because just before she buried her head in her hands, I got a glimpse into her eyes and it was as if a veil had been drawn away. I saw such pain and loneliness that it felt like being stabbed right through the heart.

Is this the real Narcissa? This hurt and scared girl?

She's still sobbing uncontrollably, so I do the only thing I can think of – with help from the little voice in the back of my head: gathering her into my arms and holding her tight.

"Cissa, what's wrong? Please, talk to me!"

I haven't called her that in about 12 years, but now it feels somehow right.

I'm really quite worried at the moment. And I'm beginning to believe that my thoughts this morning were right, that there has been something in her gaze all that time. Perhaps I should've talked to her sooner, but I was too convinced that all of them were the same.

While she's still crying into my chest, I'm stroking her hair, trying to soothe her and contemplating the fact that it actually feels nice to have her in my arms...

"I don't want it. I don't want any of this. I don't want to marry Lucius Malfoy. I hate him!"

And I'm shocked speechless – which doesn't happen very often to me. Never ever would I have expected her to declare something like this. I always thought it was her goal in life to marry someone like him! And I still don't quite understand it.

"What?! But ... how ... it was already announced! I thought ... I mean, you must've said yes ... so ... what?!"

She snorts humourlessly.

"Do you really think they asked me what I wanted? You know how our family is and how things work there. The marriage contract was drawn up without me being present and I had no choice but to agree."

My hearing must be failing me! They did what?!

In moments I'm almost seething with rage and my grip on her tightens inadvertently. Of all the outrageous and hideous things they could do...

"You weren't asked?! How can they do that! Are we in the Middle Ages or what? But ... I still don't quite get it. Isn't he a really good match by your standards?"

I mean ok, so she doesn't like him, but I always thought money and luxury came first in Narcissa's life.

She is averting her eyes and seems to fight a short battle with herself.

"Sirius, do you even know what my standards are?"

Now, that is a somewhat strange question. Of course do I know the standards of the Black family. I only have to make them sound less hurtful, she's distraught enough.

"Well, he's rich, he's pure-blooded and leans heavily to the cause of a ... certain person. So I thought ..."

"I wish I was as strong as you."

Women and their tendency to talk about ten topics at once! What does she want now? And what does she mean – strong?

"Huh?"

I'm being very eloquent again here, am I not?

"I wish I could state my opinion as clearly as you. Sirius, I hate Voldemort. I hate what he's doing, what he's doing to the Muggles. I hate the Dark Arts. I hate Lucius, because he'll draw me into this whole mess. I hate the image of becoming a "society lady", because it's nothing but becoming an empty shell. I hate my life."

I believe I've now officially lost my ability to think properly. I'm completely stunned, not able to speak a single word. It must've been a nightmare for her, living with these feelings, wearing a mask all the time. I can't begin to imagine how much suffering she has had to endure. I feel so sorry for her.

"Narcissa ... I ... I never thought ... I never had any idea that ... that you thought like this. Why did you never say anything? I believed I was all alone in this shark-pit."

She seems to gather what strength she has left.

"I was scared. You have to understand that ... that I really hate the beliefs of our family, but that I somehow love the people, you know. I love my parents, I even love Bellatrix to a certain degree, and I depend on them. I couldn't just leave, like you did, though I wish it was different."

I'm stroking her hair again, digesting what she has just told me. It's difficult for me to understand her, I can't remember ever loving my parents very much, but I get her general meaning. And now I'm worrying even more about her.

"But ... what about you? You'll die in there. Believe me, I know. You'll die on the inside, till you're just like them. Like you said, an empty shell, full of darkness. Do you want that?"

Her eyes are watering again and it's tearing at my heart.

"No, I don't. But ... but ..."

And then her tears start falling rapidly. I can feel her pain almost physically and I so desperately want to help her, but I don't know how.

Then, suddenly, everything clicks into place: the thoughts I've had about her, the annoying voice in my head and the desire to dry her tears. That can mean only one thing: I've fallen for her.

Somehow the thought is not all that hard to accept. The feelings must've been there for much longer before I realized them consciously. Now all I have to do is show her.

I lift her head up, so that she has to look into my eyes and I try to convey what I feel through them.

"I don't want that for you. I don't want such a life for you. You're much too precious for that."

Then I kiss her, and for a moment time freezes. I don't think I have felt anything this intensely in a very, very long time. Reluctantly I break away. There's still much to talk about, we have to formulate a plan.

"You have to get out of there, Narcissa."

And I'll assist her in any way I can. She's definitely going to be dealt trouble from the Slytherins, but perhaps we can go to Dumbledore and get her an asylum or something, so that she can stay with us Gryffindors... My mind's already running a mile a minute and it takes some time for me to notice the fearful and also somewhat resigned and defeated look on her face.

"I can't, Sirius. I don't have your strength, I don't have your courage. I'm much too much afraid. They would throw me out and I could never see them again. I would be all alone and what should I do? I couldn't manage on my own, I'm not a strong person..."

She's so full of insecurities and fear! I could curse them straight into next year for what they've done to her! But aside from that, she's talking rubbish! As if it is not strong to survive in a family like ours for all those years, wearing a mask all the time and hiding your true feelings.

I know that costs a lot, a price I was not willing to pay and don't want for her to any longer. I have to convince her to escape or she'll destroy herself till she is really a Black at heart ... or a Malfoy, which would be even worse.

"That's bullshit, Cissa. You're very strong. You managed to tell me all that, though we haven't spoken in almost two years. If that's not strong then I don't know what is. And besides, I would be there for you. I would do everything to help you. You would never be alone. And ... I mean I can somehow understand that you love them and all, but you can't let them ruin your life! Narcissa please! You have to leave! There's such a passionate girl behind your Slytherin mask and I couldn't bear to see her wither and die! Cissa!"

I'm almost begging her now, but I don't care. I have to make her see reason, I have to make her see that there are people who would gladly help her, I being right on top of that list.

This marriage will be the end of her, I can see that with frightening clarity. This Malfoy-arse will draw her into things she abhors and after some time she will hate herself and then... I don't even want to think about it! So I have to get her out, no matter what.

I look at her pleadingly, willing her to believe me, and for a moment I definitely see a spark of detemination and hope in her eyes, like she's about to say 'yes' to a new life ...

But suddenly it is gone again, swallowed by a darkness that now seems to surround her almost tangibly. She looks so terribly vulnerable, like a lost child, and I want to reach out to her and protect her, but she steps out of my embrace, tears still running down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. But I can't."

And then she bolts, running away from me down the corridor.

I'm left standing there, staring after her retreating form, feeling more frustrated than I've ever been in my life.

She's returning to a gilded cage that will eventually kill her and I'm at a complete loss at what to do.

Still I know with absolute certainty that I will do something. I will not allow this family to destroy her, now that I've finally realized how much she means to me.

I will free her, no matter what it takes, no matter how much it costs and no matter to what lengths I have to go. They won't know what hit them.

I'm still a Black, and you'll never know what to expect of me...

THE END – for now!

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So, please leave a review and tell me what you think about it!

On a sidenote: For me, this is not incest, because where I live it's ok to even marry your cousin as long as you have a special permission from the government. Just wanted to tell you that.