A/N: Hii guys! Thanks you guyz so much for your reviews and support for us! We 3 YOU!! This is a very special fic to us because all of us had a hand in writing it and we think it's really good! So R&R!
Disclaimer: WE don't own HP. Rowling wrote his books, not us! We also don't own Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ron's pimples, Draco, Ginny, Blaise, Luna and Neville!
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THE ROAD TRIP
Chapter One: Life's a Highway
To tell you the truth, Dumbledore sincerely regretted the day he introduced the Internet to the largely wizarding population of Hogwarts. It had been intended to allow the students to learn more about the lives of muggles, as well as keep in touch with how the rest of the world was doing. Little did he know of the horrors that lay within its bionic coded walls. Although he had managed to ban just about everything sexual Lest the hallowed halls of Hogwarts get overrun with horny teenagers. Merlin knows they had enough testosterone already. Dumbledore did not plan for other…distractions to take place.
Neopets had been bad enough, but then came things like Runescape and Adventure Quest and Gunbound. But the worst things that happened were Friendster, and blogging. The Internet had turned a considerable number of the students of Hogwarts, into twitty and mindless beings, glued to a single glowing screen. Their lives now revolved around photo whoring, chatting with their friends online and talking net-speak, even in real life. This eventually led to all the teachers becoming increasingly fed up with teaching the student population, with half of them reduced to half-wits. Although Professor Trelawney was secretly very pleased that more and more people showed interest in Divination after finding online astrology and tarot card reading sites.
The unfortunate thing was, nobody knew how to shut the ruddy system down. They had tried all ways and means, including bazooka-ing the power supply, and snipping the wires away. But nothing could stop the Internet's influence, and students continued going online. It's like magic, thought Dumbledore to himself, and he chuckled at the irony of it. But being very wise and capable, as well as the caring Headmaster of the huge school, he decided that he had to bring an end to this problem.
The idea hit him, when he was eating a candy kebab. He loved the little things. They were filled with sugar and red dye no. 15 and every other chemical that allowed your teeth to rot! Ah, it was as if he died and went to heaven (metaphorically of course). Licking the sweet heavenly remnants of the candies off his sticky gooey fingers, he thought.
And thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought until his brain almost fried like how he deeply wanted those computers hard drives to fry. And then he saw the revolving globe on his desk. An idea came to him then, and he smiled a smile that was not happy in the least. No, it was a sinister smile that guaranteed pain and suffering to all twits and computer addicts alike.
In other words, Dumbledore plotted. And he was most definitely NOT alone. All the poor, long suffering Hogwarts Professors who had to mark really shitty exam papers late into the night sat with him, to make everything all the more worse. The crappy scrolls they had gotten only served to make all the twisted evil bitterness in them congealed like ducks blood that you serve in soup.
They ALL plotted. Mightily evilly too.
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Harry's Diary: SECRET AND PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL.
I am reduced to writing (not typing) my thoughts and feelings in a BOOK with a PEN because of Dumbledore. Omgz, I can't believe that we're actually going on a ROADTRIP.I mean, how utterly stupid is that? We don't need roads, and neither do we need trips! We just need computers and internet broadband and our blogs! What is Dumbledore thinking, making us go on these meaningless trips? I mean, there won't be any internet connection AT ALL. He said so. Thrice. I think I'm going to die there. He really just about killed me.
No, wait. The worst thing is that a few particular SLYTHERINS are going. I mean, WTH? Gah! My whole summer holiday will be going down the drain because of this stupid scheme to get Hogwarts to unite and combat Voldemort and save the world and blah blah blah.
I hate my life. Please, someone, kill me now.
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Ah yes. Dumbledore was very, very worried about his students, especially those that have great parts in JK Rowling's plot and future books. Thus, he decided that the best way to unplug those poor mindless students' minds from their computers was to remove them from their comfort zones. Basically, chuck them into a car to somewhere and prevent them from having any internet connection whatsoever. It was easy to ensure that they had no internet; all it required was a simple "Internetia Disconnetium" charm. But the problem was where to send his students. So, he decided to give the old globe on his desk a spin.
Round and round the globe went. Where it stops, no one knows. Dumbledore closed his eyes and laid one of his long skeletal fingers on a random spot on the globe, stopping it effectively.
He opened his eyes and stared at the country that his finger had landed on. Letting out a loud guffaw, he settled down behind his desk and began to write letters to those sad miserable souls that he planned to save.
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Ron's diary: HEE HEE! SECRET!
I just received a letter from dear old Dumbledore and he told me that we were going on a roadtrip because our minds were being consumed by the internet monsters and he didn't want that because we have a huge part in the plot. So we're going to start in JAPAN which is the land of all things pan-shaped because that's what it says in the name. I really can't wait to go and spend time bonding with all my friends in the car even though I'll miss Friendster and my Friendster friends. My Friendster friends are really nice to me, and they think that the fact that all my pimples have distinct personalities and can talk to me, is like a very very great gift from someone special. Like angel kisses. I hope someone will kiss me for real though.
Wait, Dick (the pimple on my nose) just told me that the road trip was a very bad idea because Dumbledore put people who liked each other and the people who didn't like each other together and that meant that people would either be killing each other all the time or doing the nasty thing on the backseat.
I hope I can get laid this trip. I want to be the one doing the nasty thing on the backseat. And no, I don't mean squeezing blackheads.
P.S. I'm secretly glad that Draco Malfoy's going!
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Dumbledore had a problem with procuring a car. Obviously, it needed to be big enough to fit 8 people comfortably. But what sort of car is able to fit 8 people comfortably? He didn't want to buy a bus or a van, because those were old and rickety and totally un-cool. He didn't want to seem un-cool. He was hip!
He walked by the second-hand car stores, looking for the appropriate vehicle for the road trip. As he was passing by a particularly shady looking store, he spotted the perfect vehicle. Sure, it was a little small, but with the help of a few charms and spells to expand it and spruce it up, it would be the best vehicle for the trip! It was hip-looking too!
He approached the used-car salesman and pointed at the car. The salesman's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. Dumbledore kindly informed him about the fly buzzing around his open mouth, and the salesman returned his jaw to its original state with an audible click.
"Are you sure you want that, sir?" The salesman asked.
"Yes. I am absolutely sure." Dumbledore replied.
"But, sir, it's-"
"Cool? Hip? Yes. I love it."
Dumbledore handed the salesman 50 galleons, got into the car and drove off, unmindful of the accidents that he had caused on his way back to Hogwarts.
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Hermione's diary: GIRLZ STUFFX. LIKE, RESPECT MY PRIVACY AND I MIGHT JUST RESPECT YOURS. WORX.
Dumbledore bought a car dat's FUGLIER THAN SINX and he, like, expects us to use it for the road trip. Like the road trip itself wasn't badz enuff. I mean, sure, dere's a bunch of hot! guyz going too ZOMGZ like, Draco is so BEEEYOOTIIFOOOL, and Blaise is like DROOLZZZZ, but do you realise how un-mentally stimulatingly it will be? Everybody are idiotz, except moix, and I won't be able to, like, discuss the fundamentals of spell-castinging with anyonez at allz! I am really really upsetx and the car isn't making me feel any, like, smarter or better!
It is PURPLE, for heavenz sake, worx! Not a nice shade of purple, either. It is the hits-U-right-in-the-face kindz. It is VERY BELLY fuglyx and stupiderst. I thought Dumbledore was like smarties! But he's just standing dere with the smugerest expression eva, which makes me feel likex I'm the only smartz one around here. Which I am, of course. DOH.
I HATE DAT STUPIDY CAR. Because it is utterlyx and completelyz stupidy.
Damn U world, for being retarded. WORX.
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Now that Dumbledore had the car, all he needed to do was make it inhabitable for all the people going on the road trip! But the car was small, and people were big, and eight people combined are bigger, so a very tricky expanding spell was needed.
Dumbledore paused, sat on the ground, and started to meditate. He was in his mind now, a dark big enormous abyss, and he started looking for the right spell to enlarge the car's insides. He sorted through the fluff and the candies and the card games and the cheat codes and the random magic stuff and the PORN and finally found it.
Opening his eyes, Dumbledore raised his wand and pointed it at the car.
"INTERIORIO ENLARGIAZ!" He bellowed because the spell required a lot of vocal power.
There was a loud CRACK, but the car did not seem to change from the outside. However, Dumbledore knew better. He opened the car and stepped inside, admiring his brilliant spell work.
That'll show them. He was not old or obsolete. He was HIP.
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Ginny's Diary: I AM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS. WHY, WHY, WHY?
I have to say, I agree with everyone (even though they're idiots). This trip is an utter complete waste of TIME. Like TIME magazine, but less smart, and less informative. I hate this. I want my blog! I want my political statements! I want my daily fix of Google News!
Even though it's a really bad day, I can't stop but admire Dumbledore. For his UTTER LACK OF TASTE. My god. The interior of the extremely ugly car was expanded such that it had the interior design of an RV. Basically, it was supposed to provide us with all the necessities that we need on the trip, though I think MANY double beds should have been included. Or at least singles. It's gonna be what? 8 people to one King size? I wonder how many people are going to be laid on this trip. Or snogged. We're gonna be like a bloody harem. I am NOT a harem, I don't want a harem, and I think harems are a symbol of complete and utter lack of human rights. Anyway, back to topic. I wonder why Dumbledore likes purple so much. The interior of the car is painted all sorts of shades of purple, with a splash of green and orange here and there. I get a migraine just looking at it. And there's velvet EVERYWHERE. I'm gonna change the interior once we get out of this hellhole.
Meanwhile, I shall just look on as people make fools of themselves. I'm smart. Probably the only smart one here aside from Luna. Hermione's brain rotted away sometime after Neopets came into the picture. Luna is the only one who truly knows anything, but she's always going on about things that I can't really see, so it's hard for us to connect on that level. But I enjoy her company mostly. It's calming and she's a good friend.
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Dumbledore had sent word to the Heads of Houses to summon the chosen few to meet in the Great Hall. They were: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy, Luna Lovegood, and Neville Longbottom. He rubbed his hands together and chuckled. Ooh, this was going to be good! In fact, he had secretly installed CCTV cameras so that he can turn the whole road trip into a reality TV programme to earn some money. With the money, he could go for another beard-trimming session, which he was desperate for.
They entered the Hall looking computer-deprived. Already! They had barely left their computer terminals for half an hour! This reinforced Dumbledore's determination to send them all on a road trip. The main important characters' minds cannot be left to rot like this!
And so, Dumbledore began his speech.
"My dear students, you are gathered here today…"
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Draco's Diary: GUESS WHO'S THE PRETTIEST OF THEM ALL? EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME! ME!!
I thought that old geezer would never end. I tuned him out as soon as he said the first words. Sigh. I hope I don't end up all wrinkly like him when I grow old… Who am I kidding? I can NEVER grow old and wrinkly! I'm the prettiest of them all, and will STAY the prettiest of them all!
Weasley is looking uglier and uglier by the day. His pimples are really gross. I wonder if anyone ever introduced facial foam to him? Unlike me, I keep my complexion perfectly smooth and unflawed by using the best chemicals and spells that I can find. God, I'm so pretty.
Anyway. Despite the ugly interior and exterior, I'm glad that Dumbledore had enough sense to install a full-length mirror in which I can admire my prettiness in. I would just DIE without seeing my reflection at least ten times a day. Oh! Which reminds me! Photo-whoring time!
I am so pretty. Look at those photos! Have you seen anyone prettier? Those eyes! And that hair! And that smile! I AM pretty!
I just realised that we're going to Japan. Where there are a LOT of pretty boys. NO! I must prettify myself even more! CANNOT. LOSE. OUT!!! And then after that, when we all go and take neoprints, everyone will just DIE when they see how they wilt away in comparison. I am as glorious as the sun, and they're like fungi.
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Dumbledore was feeling exceedingly pleased with himself for his little speech, which he felt managed to encapsulate all that he felt. If the speech had been a person, Dumbledore was quite sure he would have given it a long hug and a handshake to congratulate it, and if the speech were female, maybe sneak a kiss. He was feeling rather lonely all by his onesome, now that the main important characters were gone. He'd have noone who'd actually understand and appreciate his words of wisdom anymore. They'd be a complete and utter waste on non-main characters. They didn't have enough of a personality to absorb it.
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Blaise's Diary: SLYTHERIN SEX GOD. Oh yea, it's ALL good
Oh dear GOD. What have I ever done to deserve this?!
I know I'm a horrible kinky perv, but all I was ever talking about in my MSN subnick and the cover of my diary was my new hair gel, and I'm SORRY that I had a conversation full of sexual innuendo. I promise I'll never wank again as long as I don't have to go on this trip. REALLY
Ok, maybe I'd wank one less time a day, but it's a HUGE concession already.
Bugger the trip, Bugger the stupid gits who are going on it Well, Draco's fine I suppose, when he's not having his weekly facials. I swear the man goes completely PMS, Bugger the fact that I realised how absolutely gorgeous that Lovegood girl looks when she's twirling her hair.
I feel so super deprived.
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Packing was in short, HELL. Fitting 8 people in one RV is one thing, fitting their suitcases and baggage was another. It didn't help things that Draco happened to have 9 cartons full of beauty products to bring along. Ginny slapped him for being selfish, then happily stole a carton full of hair tonics in the ensuing chaos. She shrunk it down and easily fit it into her handbag. She WAS getting good at all sorts of spells.
In the ensuing chaos however, one of Ron's pimples Rocky, who had always had the most cheerful outlook on everything was burst by accident when Blaise, who had been making strange noises with a girl in one of the many broom closets and didn't know what had transpired slipped on a pool of Draco's tears and jabbed Ron's face with his wand. The wooden magical one, though some might say that both were kind of like that. AHEM
After that, Ron's outlook on the world was bleaker. Mightily bleaker.
Dumbledore kind of felt sorry for the kid, but not enough to give in to his plaintive pleas to speak to his Friendster buddies one last time before leaving. In fact, spurred on by the student's desperation, that he decided to send them off immediately. So, half packed, the students were all dumped into the car, and magically whisked off to Japan.
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Luna's Diary: It's not good to be a Sufflesot. In case you show symptoms of turning into one I.E. Developing a blue rash or red wings then wear leather pants to cure yourself
The car is fitting all of us quite nicely indeed. I removed the velvet as soon as I could It encourages Dewtabun breeding, and Daddy always said they'd bring bad luck in the form of strawberry-cheese sandwiches. shudders and changed it to something neutral, like leather. Leather is always safe. And I changed the colours as well, to navy blue. Everyone seems quite pleased with the new arrangements. I didn't realise they were so sensitive to magical beings as well. Sometimes I catch Hermione rolling her eyes at me, or complaining that something or another isn't true, but she's just one of the multitudes who JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Dumbledore could might as well have killed us really, whooshing us off like that so quickly. I didn't have enough time to get Ginny and my secret stash of Firewhiskey. Now I feel quite bad about it, since we really would have needed to get sloshed along the way. But Ginny would understand. The situation with the booze isn't as serious as poor Hermione's pads. She was going to grab them last, but we can't get back and we're stuck in some camping ground in Japan right now, so we went to the nearest sports store to get BOTH shoulder and ankle pads, just to make sure they were the right ones. She was so happy with them she bawled and screamed and ranted. I suppose that's a new custom, though not one I particularly enjoy. Luckily that Zabini fellow had the sense to buy the latest copy of Hogwarts: A History, complete with pictures of History teachers in leather pants. That shut her up tight. Or at least, she's not making a sound but her mouth is still open and she's drooling.
At least one of the Slytherins is tactful. Hopefully he's not one of the multitudes either. I hate it when people don't understand me. That's what Ginny and I have in common. Nobody really understands us, but us.
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They were in the middle of nowhere, in the dead of the night, when Ron asked "Hey, wasn't it morning when we were in England?"
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Neville's Diary: HOW DARE YOU!
EVERYONE IS SO INSENSITIVE AND HORRIBLE AND HOW DARE THEY HOW DARE THEY HOWDARETHEY AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
RON SAID THAT IT WAS MORNING IN ENGLAND BUT NO IT'S NOT MORNING IN ENGLAND BECAUSE IT'S DARK AND RAINY THERE AND MORNINGS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DARK AND RAINY THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DRY AND SUNNY AND I HATE MORNING ANYWAY AND RON IS SO STUPID AND INSENSITIVE AND PEOPLE HERE ARE JUST SO DUMB THEY ASK ME IF I WANT BEER AND NO I DON'T WANT BEER AND WHAT THE HELL IS BEER ANYWAY IS IT SOME KIND OF TORTURE DEVICE I HATE TORTURE DEVICES HOW DARE THEY THE STUPID PEOPLE
SO I STUPIDFIED THEM
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It didn't matter that Ron became stupider. He wasn't the one driving anyway. In fact, it was Harry who was driving. But Harry had encountered a HUGE problem, which prevented their advance forward into Japan. They had to solve it, OR ELSE.
"Uh…" said Harry who was always the Hero who killed Voldermort by accidentally stabbing him in the eye with a quill when he thought Voldermort who had been hiding in a dark corner had been the entrance to a secret passage. Harry was driving the car, and he was speechless in front of their latest foe.
"Like shitxors. Does anyone read Japanese?"
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A/N: OMGZ! WE KNOW IT'S A CLIFFIE AND WE'RE SO SORRY! But don't worry! We'll try to get the next chappie up as soon as possible! And we're really really happy that this chappie is so long! It's the longest that anyone of us has done so far and we really hope you enjoyed it and will R&R because we live for your R&Rs!