A/N: I totally stole this from a story called 'Breaking the Fourth Wall' in the Death Note part of this site... but that person stole it from a story in the Harry Potter part of the site. Anyway, writing this first chapter was hard cause I'm not used to writing in Cartman's POV and I haven't written anything on this site for quite a while now... so I'm out of practice. But I suddenly felt like writing again. Wooo /partay
I hope it doesn't suck too bad.
Enjoy ^^
Dear weird stalker FanFiction writers who are obviously either hippies or Kyle's Jew babies,
I read a few FanFictions of which included me in, and I can tell you that you all need to go see a therapist or a cannabis dealer or get laid or something.
I don't like Kyle. Not even as a friend. I thought that was clear by the fact that I have tried to kill him several times (incase you all have memory loss, remember the time when I brought him on a boat into a lake and attempted to beat him to death with a baseball bat?).
And even if we did do anything, it would be him sucking my balls, not me sucking his. I doubt he even has balls anyway. And I would never stick my weiner up where anyone shits out of, especially not Kyle's.
And if it isn't a story about me and Kyle, I'm either a background character, the coward who gets killed and/or shunned or the evil villain who beats up the actual main character all the time. I mean, I know I'm totally the strongest mother-fucker in this town and anyone who disagrees (cough Kyle cough) should have a long and horrible death, but seriously.
I'm in, like, every god damn episode of the series, and the only story lines you can think of are of a non-existent relationship between me and a stupid Jew? How about the fact that I have enough ninja skilz to escape any situation (I got away with murdering a kids parents and feeding them to him, I can get away with shit loads of dildos). And how about the fact that my mom is like a slave to me. I can get her to do anything I want her to. Why don't you write a story where she is the villain for once? What sexism against the male population, jeez.
Besides, I'm not all evil. What about that one time where I kept all those cats in my attic when they were outlawed? I kept five goddamn cats in my attic, and even gave them a diary to write in! And there was that one time where I helped my pal Jimmy out with his date! Does this not show my generosity?
Write some real stories, not some brainless soppy romance crap. Here's an idea for you Jews who have no creativity skills: an awesome wild west action story where I'm the sheriff of this town and I fight to save this town from all the horrors of Jew-ism and weed-smoking-hippies. Seriously.
Screw you lot, I'm finished.
From your king, Sheriff Cartman.