Ritsuka and Kio both called him a pervert, which was exactly how Soubi viewed himself at times. A disgusting pedophile. A sick pervert. Soubi didn't like the tag attached to him by them, but he dealt with. It was something he should be ashamed of. After all, he was just as bad as Ritsu. Maybe even worse. Unfortunately, that was entirely possible, since he had no excuse for his thoughts towards Ritsuka, the ones that made him so ashamed of his mind that he felt the need to beg Ritsuka for punishment after thinking about him in such a way. He was a dirty, disgusting man. He didn't deserve Ritsuka.
And yet, he didn't stay away. Staying away perhaps would've helped it. It could have the opposite effect, as well-make more feelings and cause Soubi to have more dreams about Ritsuka. Really, he was twenty-one years old. He was too old to be having wet dreams. He was too old to be having such thoughts. He was too old to be thinking about Ritsuka, a child, in that way. He hated himself for it, too. He really despised himself for having these sexual feelings directed at Ritsuka. He hated the fantasies that sometimes entertained his mind. He hated the way he felt his eyes, or even hands, drifting sometimes, looking at Ritsuka's body in ways that an adult of his age should look at a boy Ritsuka's age. It was a terrible thing.
The worst part was the dreams, by far. He'd had wet dreams before, of course, most of the ones after he left Seven Voices being unpleasant memories of Ritsu, but he'd never dreamed about a grade schooler. He'd never had such dirty, twisted fantasies about a child. He'd never considered himself a danger to Ritsuka until the night when he woke up from his first wet dream about Ritsuka, covered in his own sweat and hard as a rock. That was the day he really started hating himself. Ritsuka was just a child. And Soubi, an adult, someone Ritsuka even looked up to, wanted to pin him against a wall and show him how much he really loved and wanted him. It was sick and twisted.
Soubi tried to sort of distance himself from Ritsuka. However, he was a growing boy. Ritsuka was nearly thirteen years old and obviously going through puberty, with his growth spurts and the way his voice cracked every so often. Soubi started to catch himself more, trying not to let the kisses and touches linger for too long. Ritsuka was a growing boy, though, and he and Soubi already had a screwed up relationship. Ritsuka, being young, didn't question the way he felt towards Soubi. It was normal for him to start experimenting and having those sorts of thoughts. He was at that age. Soubi was the person who Ritsuka turned to for that. After all, he was the only adult in his life. It was normal for him to have questions.
That being said, it was not normal for a boy to want to have sex with the only adult in his life. Ritsuka naturally had questions, ones that he was embarrassed about, but still asked Soubi anyways. That was alright, Soubi supposed. As long as the questions didn't get too personal. The problem was that Ritsuka was more willing to cuddle and wanted their shared, previously innocent kisses to become longer and less innocent. The problem was that part of Soubi liked it. That part of him over took him whenever Ritsuka shyly curled up by him and kissed him. It was the part of him that betrayed him, the part of him that was attracted to and wanted Ritsuka. It was the part of himself that Soubi hated with a passion.
There didn't seem to be a way to stop it. The odd thing was that Soubi didn't particularly enjoy the dreams, nor did he enjoy the act of masturbating. He rarely did it, and only when he thought it would help calm the thoughts. Sex had a bad connotation with him. He had rarely enjoyed being raped by Ritsu. That had yielded almost no pleasure on Soubi's part. And he'd neither taken nor been taken by anyone else. He disliked the confusion and thoughts that sexual things brought. Ritsu had done nothing but confuse and hurt Soubi during sex. He disliked remembering that.
That was part of the reason it was so difficult for Soubi to deal with having those sort of feelings towards Ritsuka. He was scared-scared of what he'd do to Ritsuka, scared of what would happen if he accidentally let his hands wander a little too far. Scared of the way Ritsuka would turn out if he allowed this to go on. The thoughts terrified Soubi.
But no matter what he did, he couldn't make them stop.
He was scared of himself. Of what he was. Of how much like Ritsu he had become.
He was truly one sick fuck.