Here is my first X-File fanfiction in English. I'd like to say English isn't my mother's language and I don't have a beta reader so all mistakes are on me. This is for the first time ever I've written a story in someone's point of view. I hope you'll like it. Enjoy.
Mulder
For weeks I've been watching Scully changing. She was acting differently than usually but whenever she realized it, she was trying as usual. But that didn't keep long. Her smile was disappearing and if it appeared at all, it was just a glimpse of what used to be and it lasted only for a fragment of a second. She was looking into the space a lot and her mind was wandering who knew where. The happy little sparks she had in her eyes, disappeared. Instead she had sadness in her eyes that was growing bigger.
I didn't pay an attention to it at first. I was occupied by my own thoughts and problems. Besides, I knew Scully had a difficult case in the hospital she was working at, so I thought, that behind her changes was the treatment of the boy. I noticed she was taking this case more personally than others. But of course, it was a child and Scully was taking all cases concerning children personally. She had a really nice relationship with the children and she was capable of miracles when it came to them.
But as days were passing buy, changing into weeks, I started to worry. I was trying to talk about it with her but she always managed to avoid answering the questions that I wanted to know answers to the most. Not that she was avoiding our dialogues, she was even sharing with me her feelings about the treatment of the boy, but she didn't reveal to me what was bothering her. The more I was observing her changes, the more I was worried that I didn't know what was happening to her.
I decided to find out what was going on at any cost. I couldn't let her suffer. I saw how much it was bothering her and it was breaking my heart seeing her like that. But I had a feeling she had a big reason why she was hiding her suffering from me. I didn't want to take it personally but it did hurt me a bit that she had a reason why she didn't tell me. But I didn't intent to blame her for it. I just had to find out what was bothering her so I could help her. I was showing her that I was here for her any time and at any cost, but I had the feeling as if it wasn't enough for some reason.
I thought that whatever was bothering Scully, it probably had connection to the boy she was treating. She found out a drastic therapy for him and before she had started with the treatment, she had doubts about the rightness of her actions. She had told me about it herself. I suggested stepping back from this kind of treatment if she wasn't truly sure about the rightness of her actions. But at the end she decided to go for the treatment.
This looked to me like a good reason for her worry, so I decided to go straight for it and visited her in the hospital. On purpose, I chose a specific time of the day when Scully was really busy. I knew well, that she would ask me to wait till she would have more time. I decided to use this time to talk inconspicuously to her colleagues. To be honest, they were spending with Scully more time than I did and they saw her in different environment and in different way.
I did hope they noticed something I have missed, or something Scully didn't show when we were talking together. I could be searching as much I wanted but I didn't learn anything new. Her colleagues noticed changes in her behaving but they thought it was because of the time-consuming treatment of the boy. I found out that many people were against the therapy and not all of them thought that Scully acted on the best behalf of her patient.
I had known all of this from Scully but I still was surprised how many people were ready to give up on saving the boy. I knew they run into problems with Scully. When she decided for something, she was capable of going for it at any cost. Especially, when she knew she would be able to safe someone's life. And here was a life of a child at steak, which was giving Scully the strength to carry on.
All of a sudden, I had a persistent feeling I should see that boy. I couldn't explain where this feeling did come from but I didn't want to deal with it. Thanks to Scully I knew the name of her patient and I knew my way around the hospital well enough to find his room.
I didn't have an idea what I would see but the look at the boy shook me up. The little boy was lying in his bed with closed eyes, breathing quietly. His head was in bandages, from his body were tubes leading to monitors. The boy was almost disappearing in the bed. The worst of all was how thin he appeared. It seemed as if he was a skeleton covered in translucent skin. I didn't know why but the look at the boy got to me. Suddenly, I realized that deep down I knew what Scully was suffering from.
Scully
I knew that Mulder suspected something was wrong with me. He wasn't working for FBI any more but his mind was as sharp as the day I started to work with him. I would have been stupid to hope he won't notice anything. I was trying to act in a way that he wouldn't notice immediately that something was wrong but it wasn't working out. Nevertheless, I was capable of hiding it from him longer that I though could be possible.
From the beginning, when I started to care about the little boy, my feelings for him weren't exactly professional. He was dying and I was ready to do anything at all to safe his life.
Emily, my daughter, I wasn't able to safe. I even let her die because it was the best solution. Emily couldn't live. But that knowledge wasn't helping me and it really didn't stop the nightmares waking me up in the middle of a night.
I wasn't even able to safe my son, William. Although he didn't die as Emily did, I had to give him for adoption. It was the only solution for him to have a normal life without people trying to kill him. But that meant another hole in my heart. And other nights I was waking up with a thought that I was a terrible and incompetent mother who rather gave up her child than fighting for him. But I was fighting for him! But if I wanted for William a normal life, I hadn't had a choice and I hade to give him up.
I was firmly determined that I will safe my patient, Christian, at any cost. I knew I wasn't acting rationally. I shouldn't have that strong bond with Christian. But I couldn't help myself. I disappointed Emily and William. I didn't want to disappoint even Christian.
In the meantime I was searching for a therapy that would safe Christian, I was thinking about my two children. I missed them both so much. I knew, at least, that Emily was in a better place with my father and my sister. But where was William that I didn't know. At that time it was the most reasonable solution but now I longed to find William. I didn't intent to take him away from his current family. I wouldn't do that to him. I just wanted to see my son, to make sure he is alright. Even though I could see him only from afar, just seeing his happy face, glimpsing his smile, it would be enough for me.
But there wasn't any way how to find William. At least not a legal way. The adoption was done in secret, it couldn't be traced, and there shouldn't be any record about it. This thought was destroying me. I didn't want to Mulder to know what was bothering me. I knew he was consumed by the thought he hadn't been here to help me to protect William. But at that time his life was in danger and I couldn't lose him. I was trying to protect William with the help of my colleagues and friends, but I had realized that all of William's life could be only about hiding and I couldn't bear myself to do that to him.
I couldn't have talk to Mulder about the adoption; the decision was all but mine. I knew he had never ever blamed me for it and won't do it in the future but every time I have mentioned William, I've seen in his eyes the same emptiness I've had in my heart. I couldn't possibly tell him I was trying to find William. On one hand, I was afraid he would be trying to talk me out of it. On other hand, I was afraid he would be hanging on the thought, he would be trying to help me William, but if we would fail, he would have been very unhappy. I didn't want to permit any possibility.
That why I was consumed by these thoughts alone and was watching Mulder worry about me. I was hurting him although I wanted to protect him. It was breaking my heart but I couldn't stop. The longing for William was growing bigger.
…
Mulder
When I realized what was bothering Scully I knew right away we should talk. I wanted to tell her I understood. I wanted to tell her I would do anything for her to make her happy. I wanted to tell her she could trust me. But I knew it wouldn't be easy. Scully was keeping it as a secret for a long time and I did worry she wouldn't admit right away I was right. I was trying to come up with a plan how to proceed but all I could think about was the boy lying in the hospital's bed and our son William. I still could remember well when I was holding William for the first time. He looked so tiny and fragile. I had sworn at that time that I would give up my life to protect him. But in the end I left the entire protection thing on Scully and left to hide myself. I felt like a coward now even though I knew Scully understood. Who knows? Maybe William would be still with us if I wouldn't be hiding. But all the "what ifs" questions were useless now. They weren't able to turn the time back.
…
Scully
I was looking for Mulder but I was told he left all of a sudden. My co-worker told me he went to see Christian. At that moment I realized he knew. I was sure of it. I was afraid of what he would tell me when I would come home. Would he be crazy? Would he try to convince me not to look for William? So many questions were running through my head but I didn't know an answer to a single one. I wasn't sure if I had the strength to face Mulder and whatever decision he had made. But one thing I knew for sure, I would face it with my head lifted high. Mulder knew me well but I was certain he couldn't find out any convincing argument that would change my mind. I was determined to find William with or without Mulder.
…
Mulder
I was afraid, that when Scully would discover I left the hospital that she would be able to put two and two together and would know that I knew. It didn't leave me much time to prepare myself for the discussion that would come up as soon as Scully would arrive home. One thing I really didn't want to do was starting the discussion as soon as she would walk through the front door. I wanted to make it easier for her and show her my support.
I have never been that kind of guy who would buy flowers and gifts for a girlfriend and it didn't work when I was with Scully either. It was partly because our relationship was a bit strange, partly because Scully wasn't the kind of woman who would be fond of such things. But this time I thought a little bit of a romantic touch couldn't hurt. So I bought a rose and prepared dinner. I hoped it would put Scully at ease a bit before we would discuss such a tricky matter.
When I've heard the car engine to stop, I actually felt nervous. I didn't know where our discussion would lead us but I wanted to stay by Scully's side. This time, nothing would make me to walk away on her.
…
Scully
I pulled in front of our house and turned the engine off. In the silence that followed, I realized how nervous I felt. I stayed sitting in the car for a moment, trying to collect my thought, trying to come up with all the arguments I was trying to prepare on my way home. I didn't want to argue with Mulder but I didn't want him to get in my way while searching for William.
I took a deep breath and got out of the car. I wasn't ready, not even close. But there wasn't any point to prolong the inevitable. Mulder knew I was here anyway. I steadied myself, took my briefcase and walked to the front door.
As soon as I opened the door I knew something was different. I smelled cooked meat. Mulder had never cooked. At least not for me. I assumed he can't cook. So this was actually a pleasant surprise. Then, all of a sudden, Mulder appeared in the doorway with a sheepish smile on his face. At that moment I decided I would tell him everything.
…
Scully and Mulder
They've been searching everywhere, went through every file they could lay hands on but it looked like William never existed. That was what Scully intended when she decided to give William for adoption. She wanted to protect him from all enemies that were or could be and now she could see it worked better than she could hope for. But she was frustrated because she hadn't though about fail-safe if she wanted to see William in the future when all the threats would be eliminated.
But when she was preparing everything for the adoption, she was alone; William's life was in peril as well as hers and Mulder was hiding who knew where. She had to act as quickly as possible and hadn't had time to think everything through. Now it was too late to be sorry for not thinking about it before.
Mulder saw how frustrated Scully was and her frustration was only growing bigger with every file that didn't contain any information on whereabouts of their son. He too, wasn't thrilled that there wasn't any easier way how to learn where their son was hidden but he couldn't blame Scully for not thinking about fail-safe. He wasn't there when they needed him the most. He was in New Mexico, away from all the danger that was lurking at the edge of daily life of his beloved Scully and William.
Scully did her best to hide their son even though it had broken her heart. She had never gotten over the fact she gave on her son, although Mulder was trying to convince her she did the best she could at the time being. But Scully thought she failed as a mother and there wasn't anything Mulder could say to convince her otherwise. He knew the only thing that could put her on ease would be to find William and to let Scully see he was in good hands and it was taking good care of him.
That was the reason he went through all the files over and over again trying to find something he could have missed on the first time even though he knew that wasn't the case. But he had to do something. He couldn't be just sitting around looking at Scully who was disappearing in front of his eyes in places he couldn't follow her to. He feared of her health which made him search even more frantically. He lost Scully once when she was kidnapped by aliens and he didn't want to lose her again, especially when he was sure this time it would be forever.
But then, when Mulder was on the edge of giving up, he remembered his friends, The Lone Gunmen, who could find almost anything they wanted. He knew they had some really good sources so he decided to give a try and contact few of the people he knew by name. It was probably the last resort but he wouldn't give up until he was sure there was nothing at all he could do.
…
Scully couldn't believe they were really doing it. That they are going to see their son. She has been giving up her hope when Mulder came up to her with a promising lead that let them to a place where their son was supposed to be living. She was trying to get out of Mulder the way he got this lead but he was answering only in hints and if possible trying to avoid answering at all.
The practical part in Scully wanted to know how Mulder was able to find the address of people who adopted William, even though she was worried it wasn't exactly by the low. But the mother part in Scully didn't care at all. Mother in her was just happy they finally succeeded although it had seemed at the beginning as an impossible task.
Now they knew the name of people who were raising William as their son; Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kamp. It sounded Dutch but then, they were in the US, where people were from all over the world. They knew very little about the couple who were taking care of William. It seemed as if they were the most ordinary people there could be. No tickets for speeding, no unpaid tax, no bills that were left unpaid. They had, at least, driving licence and a bank account or it would seem like they didn't even exist.
When Scully and Mulder were trying to find the place, where the family lived, on a map, it looked like they were living in the middle of nowhere. They hoped for more public place where they could watch their son unnoticed. But now it was obvious the family would notice strangers from far away. They couldn't just sit in a car, trying to see William playing outside. It could cause problems and then they would have to answer questions to local police which was something Mulder and Scully wanted to avoid at any cost. They didn't want the family to know who they were. They didn't intend to take William back, although Scully dreamed about it now and then. But she knew she couldn't do it to the little boy, or the couple. She gave up William and there wasn't way to reverse it.
In the end they came up with a plan that should work out, unless one of them would deliberately walk away from the scenario they set up.
…
Scully and Mulder were now sitting in a car driving to the address where their son was supposed to live. They were both nervous; Scully little bit more than Mulder. But they were also eager to see their son even though it was probably the last time they would have the opportunity. But Scully wanted to know he was in good hands and the couple was taking good care of him.
"It will be hard to go back home after you'll see him. You can't contact the family after this, ever." Mulder said quietly.
"I know that." Scully answered, not even looking at him. They had this conversation for the millionth time and she was afraid she would say something she might regret later. She knew Mulder was just trying to protect her but she already made her mind and nothing would stop her from seeing her son. She couldn't walk away with the knowledge she was so close to see him for the last time. She reassured herself that after seeing William she would be able to get back to her life, knowing in her heart, that her little baby was safe without death threats hanging over his head.
Mulder took her hand and squeezed it gently. He knew very well what Scully was thinking about. They were talking about it many times and he was doing this for her. He hoped it would make her at least a little happy seeing their son living happily in loving family. Mulder knew Scully had a big dark hole in her heart, that nothing will ever heal but he hoped this little visit could help her to carry on.
"Turn left." Scully said suddenly.
Mulder looked in front of him and saw a dirty road that could be easily missed. He was glad Scully noticed it. He slowed the car and turned on the road. He drove slowly and carefully now. Although he had eyes on the road in front of him, Mulder noticed with the corner of his eyes that Scully clasped her hands tightly and kept them in her lap. He knew she was nervous; he was, too.
As the road was winding, Mulder and Scully started looking for the house, where Mr. and Mrs. Van de Kamp were supposed to live.
"There!" Scully pointed to the right side of the front window.
Mulder looked in the direction to see a small white farm house. He followed the road with his eyes and it was obvious this road ended in front of the house, as they both expected it would. So far, everything went according to their expectations. They hoped the rest of their journey will be as easy as it was for now.
"Well, my calculations were right." Mulder said suddenly. "We are running on fumes."
Scully smiled despite her mixed feelings. This was hell of a crazy plan, exactly the one only Mulder could come up with. Her agreeing to the plan showed how desperate she felt.
"Oh my God!" Scully gasped all of sudden.
Mulder looked up and saw a little boy driving a bike. His heart skipped a beat but Mulder knew Scully's heart was probably close to stopping altogether.
"Isn't he handsome?" Scully whispered.
Mulder looked at her and saw tears glistening in her eyes. "Scully." He said in a warning tone. But he was dismissively waved off.
Mulder stopped the car and turned the engine off. Then he noticed the little boy was watching them curiously. It seemed as if this family didn't get many visitors, especially strangers.
A man, probably middle age, appeared from behind the house. He walked to the boy and stroked his hair while watching the two strangers sitting in the car.
Mulder finally got out of the car, knowing well, he had to carry on with his crazy plan. He only hoped Scully would stay in the car; it would be easier that way.
"Hello." Mulder called to the man and made few steps forward. "My wife and I got lost. I think we were supposed to take the next turn instead of this one. But now we are here and running on low. Could I buy a bit of your gas just to make it to the nearest gas station, please?"
The man smiled friendly, although he seemed as if Mulder wasn't the first one getting lost here. And it could as well be the truth.
"Sure. That's not a problem." Man answered smiling. "Why won't your wife come out of the car? It must be hot there. My wife is preparing a snack. They could talk for a while and I'll help you with your car."
This response wasn't exactly what Mulder was hoping for but before he could come up with excuse why Scully had to remind in the car, she was already opening the door. It was obvious she was listening through the open window, eager to get out and to see William properly.
"Thank you for your generous offer." Scully said after she was standing side by side with Mulder.
The man waved a hand over it. "That's alright." Then he turned to the boy. "William, take this lady in the house and tell your mother we have guests."
The boy looked shyly at Scully but then he did as he was told.
In the end, Mulder and Scully spent with the family Van de Kamp couple of hours and when they parted, they were all smiles. But as soon as the farm house disappeared from the view of the rear window, Scully's eyes were filled with tears.
"William couldn't live with better people." Scully said trying to suppress a sob. "He looked healthy and happy. I couldn't wish for nothing more."
Mulder took her hand into his and reminded silent. There wasn't anything else to be said. He was just glad he could make this dream of hers to come true.
THE END