this needs waaay more editing, but eh decided to post it. i'll probably edit it later, if i can be bothered.
waver
He's always been the only one that could save her from herself. But this time she isn't sure if he's enough-–Katie post Vegas, implied rape.
The funny thing is–she wanted this, she went up there on her own accord ready to have sex with a man who would remunerate her college education in exchange. So really she shouldn't feel this bothered about it. She shouldn't be dwelling on the small no's she'd breathed as he trailed kisses down her neck and as his hand smoothed the bottom of her dress up. She shouldn't be so caught up in her apprehension and his continuing eagerness to go through with it while all the doubts and reasons not to were plaguing her mind. Because either way, she got what she wanted.
At least that's what the check for twenty-thousand dollars currently clutched in her fingertips said.
She's finally got the only thing she's ever wanted, and she should be planning her courses, packing her bags, looking for summer programs–she should be doing all the things she'd planned to do all those weeks ago when she was dreaming about this moment, dreaming of the moment when she would finally leave everything that's ever haunted her behind.
But instead, Katie feels nothing. Staring at the handwritten check that was literally the key to her dreams and all she's ever wanted, she feels nothing.
And she can't bring herself to question whether this is a good or bad thing.
-–
Jake ignores all her attempts to get his attention, and so how is she meant to tell him she's sorry if he won't even look at her?
She asks Marisol to talk to Mo, who apparently is ignoring her too, but all the girl does is give Katie a look of pity, eyes practically screaming you shouldn't have gone through with it, as she says, "I don't think he wants an explanation Katie."
Katie stares at the girl, waiting for the hurt of the words and the confirmation of Jake wanting nothing to do with her both to set in, but again nothing comes.
She blinks and glances over at Jake's downturned head and then back toward Marisol, and relents with a nod, her hand reaching down to pinch the skin against her thigh as if she'd be woken up through the contact, but no avail.
-–
She doesn't know how it happened, one moment she's just sitting there, in the empty house, staring at nothing and then the next she's lunging for the bathroom, lifting the porcelain lid and spewing out the entire of her stomach contents even though she's pretty sure she hasn't eaten anything apart from a slice of toast the entire day.
And when her last heave is given out she waits yet again for the tears–the feeling of immense disappointment in herself for giving into this disgusting habit but once again she is left with unmet presumptions.
She decides then that maybe, this numbness is a good thing.
-–
She picks up where she left off, stuffing herself until she can no longer take it and then throwing everything up a few minutes afterward.
It doesn't last long this time though, she gets sick of the disgusting habit after only a few days, when going for a run and finding herself giving out way earlier than she'd like.
She hates things that leave her feeling weaker than before and decides she'd have to find something else to occupy her time and compose the nothingness she feels inside.
And since she'd been in the process of repeating old habits, she decides a further repetition of history wouldn't hurt.
Though, as she steps into the downstairs kitchen, she is met with the lock her parents had put on the medicine cabinet as a just incase when she'd gotten out of rehab.
She sighs as she pulls the lock, hoping against hope that there'd be any chance of it being unlocked.
It isn't.
Maybe she should take it as a sign. The things she used to do to make herself feel better didn't work back then and probably wouldn't now.
Though Katie had never been too good at picking up her own cues.
-–
A few hours past midnight an idea comes to her.
She remembers the girl from one of her group sessions who would talk about why she had gotten so addicted to making blood pour out of her skin, she'd say everything else about her would be cut off from the world and numb but when she put a blade to her skin she would feel again and the rush she got felt amazing.
Without even a second thought Katie runs a knife horizontally over the thin skin of her wrist and a sigh escapes her lips as she finally understands what that girl was talking about.
She moves the knife down, pressing a little harder this time and as a line of blood pours out from the wound the euphoria sets in.
She feels something again, and God does it feel good.
-–
Pretty soon, both her arms, leading all the way up to her forearms are covered in cuts.
None deep enough to warrant medical attention though, just enough to draw blood and feeling within her again.
She isn't addicted or anything. She does it because feeling nothing all the time sucks and she's got too many things going for her to be this jaded.
She understands now though, at first she thought the girl had something deeply wrong with her for willingly hurting herself but now she gets it.
She gets that feeling nothing isn't something anyone should feel and if they do find something to make it go away, even for just a little bit, then they should do whatever it takes.
The constant wearing of long-sleeved shirts sucked though, and she's pretty sure Maya's been watching her with her sad, tired what's Katie doing now eyes, waiting for the right moment to confront her, so she spends as little time as possible alone with her sister.
After all, she's supposed to be the responsible one and Maya's seen her mess up way too many times already and she doesn't think her sister could handle another Katie meltdown.
Because then Maya would have to realize she's the strong one of the family and that's a tough thing for a fourteen-year-old to grasp.
-–
She doesn't eat in the cafeteria anymore, she doesn't show up for the gardening club meetings, nor the newspaper ones either and oddly enough, he's the one to confront her about it.
"Where have you been Katie?"
She doesn't have to look up from the book she's reading to know the person that tantalizingly deep voice belongs to, but no longer does it have an affect on her heart.
"Here, obviously." She responds offhandedly, flicking a page over.
She thinks her ears are playing tricks on her, because she's pretty sure he didn't just sigh because of her or even talk to her because he's Jake and he didn't deserve what she did to him.
"Katie," he begins, and she can hear the strain in his voice, as if he's trying to force himself from letting the words spill out, but eventually he continues in a whisper, eyes boring into her indifferent downturned figure. "What's happened to you?"
She blinks and looks up at his standing figure, clad in the usual plaid shirt and jeans, but his face, boring more emotion than usual, looks as if he's fighting a battle within.
She frowns, he shouldn't care. "Nothing."
And she stands, brushing past him.
-–
Her sister finally asks the question Katie knew she'd been holding in ever since she'd come home that night, eyes blank and face tearstained.
"What happened in Vegas, Katie?"
And for some reason, the disquieted expression on Maya's face is enough to make her break her silence. She pats her mattress, inviting her sister to sit down and sits cross-legged herself, to for the last time, look into her sisters eyes which no doubt would no longer be able to look at her after she knew.
Maya complies and gazes back at her expectantly.
"I cheated on Jake."
She waits for the shock, for the disgust, for the anything on her sisters face to change, but Maya's face remains impassive, staring at her as if saying, go on.
So she does. "It was for Stanford. I met the creator of Facerange at a casino and he offered me the tuition to sleep with him, and Jake and I were fighting and I thought we were pretty much over, so I figured it wouldn't matter if I did."
She doesn't realize she'd started crying, until she feels her sisters lithe arms wrap around her and whisper, "It's okay, Katie." into her hair.
Her sister doesn't ask anymore, but Katie knows the younger girl doesn't need to.
-–
"What's up with all the long-sleeves?" Eli asks as he moves to sit next to her, their english teacher partnering them up for one of the classes final projects.
Katie shrugs, looking up from the task-sheet and passes it to him.
He takes it and something in his jade eyes flicker, "No reason?"
"Why does my fashion sense seem to be a popular topic nowadays?"
The boy chuckles, "Clare's worried about you."
Katie snorts in return, "Everyone is, it seems."
"Maybe there's a reason."
She frowns, "What do you mean?"
Eli shrugs, "People can be more perceptive than you realize."
-–
A knock sounds against her bedroom door just as she begins to change out of her school outfit.
"Just a second, Maya!" She calls, searching the clothing scattered across her mattress for a clean shirt.
When she finds one she pulls it on, along with a pair of shorts and smooths the shorts down as she opens the door, but Maya isn't who's on the other side.
"Jake." She half states, half questions.
The boy gives her a looks she can't decipher and in the second it takes her to blink his lips connect against hers and she's pushed back against the door, kissing him back with the same amount of fervor, though purely through habit, as her mind has not registered that it is him, who is kissing her yet.
He's kissing her so hard, and she is so consumed within the kiss that she doesn't notice her shirt being pulled off until they break apart and she's left exposed.
Still holding her close, Jake moves the hand not cupping her chin down, fingertips dancing over her healing cuts.
She isn't shocked, she isn't angry, she isn't anything and isn't sure if she's even breathing.
"Maya was right," he says suddenly, voice just above a whisper, knocking her out of her trance.
She pulls her arm back as if she's been shocked. And maybe she has.
"Get out." she spits through her teeth, tone deadly calm.
"No." he mummers, reaching out to touch her again.
She shoves his arms away, this time yelling,"Get out!"
He doesn't listen, and keeps trying to get some sort of hold on her, repeating her name softly over and over, as if he stopped she'd disappear.
She wishes she just would already.
-–
He's always been the only one that could save her from herself.
But this time she isn't sure if he's enough, she's too far gone and isn't even sure if she's worth the trouble.
At least, that's what she tells herself as she makes one of the deepest cuts she's ever done.
The blood pours and pours and pours.
Eventually, like her mind, her body too gives out.
-–
"Katie, God wake up!" The yelling of her sisters voice, and shaking of her shoulders awaken Katie from the self induced slumber.
Her eyes open one by one and instantly she is hit by the resounding pain in her arm.
"Ugh," she groans, eyes flicking to her now bandaged wrist.
Maya hugs her close as she begins to sit up. "Thank god Katie," the younger girl splutters, "I thought, I thought you were, you were..."
Katie breathes through her nose, I'm so sorry, she tries to say but the words are caught in her throat.
Her sister has a death grip on her, and she can feel the younger girls body rack with sobs,"You need to stop, Katie."
Her mouth opens and closes, and she waits for the apology, for the I promise, Maya to come out, but it doesn't and instead she breathes,"I-I can't."
"You can Katie, you can."
"I can't." She says again, voice louder and harsher than she intended and her sister freezes.
Maya disconnects herself from the broken girl and doesn't look back as she walks out of the room.
Her words, "You're going to kill yourself, if you don't." ringing in Katie's head.
-–
"Talk to me, Katie."
"I don't need your help Clare." She responds, slamming her locker door shut and storming off.
The pale girl matches her pace, continuing with her elocution, "Everyone's worried about you, Katie. Ever since you came back from Vegas you've been different and maybe it is just because you're graduating soon and everything's changing but if it isn't and something happened to you in Vegas, you need to tell someone."
For a spilt second she freezes, the gears in her brain coming to a halt, allowing the gravity of Clare's implication to set in. But just as quickly as it comes, the gears speed right back up again, leaving her to her nothingness.
"I'm fine." She spits, eyes searching for a way to evade the girl and spotting a group of sophomores exiting their class, she heads into the crowd.
Clare sighs behind her and calls out, "The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves, Katie!"
-–
"Where are you taking me?" Katie asks from the passenger seat of his truck, arms folded.
"You'll see." He says simply, keeping his eyes gazed at the road out infront of him.
"We're missing a physics test." She states, not sure if she's serious.
A ghost of a smile plays at his lips, "You'll make it up."
"And you?" She presses, wanting for some reason to keep him talking.
"Not all of us are Stanford bound Katie."
She recoils as if his words slap her, and turns to face the opposite window for the rest of the drive.
Pretty soon, a large gate with gardens behind it come into view, and forgetting her earlier frustration she immediately turns to him.
"A cemetery? Why a cemetery?"
He shrugs, and pulls the truck into park, opening his door and getting out, and she blinks in shock for a few moments before doing the same. She watches him move to back of the truck and pull out a banquet of lilies.
Katie frowns at him, but Jake still says nothing.
He reaches his free hand out to her and she takes it hesitantly, letting him link their fingers together and lead her toward the tombstones.
Marie Jane Martin.
Loving mother
1986-2007
Katie feels something that would resemble her heart, if it even still worked, begin to speed up as she watches Jake lay the flowers across his mothers grave.
"My mother," he swallows, voice sounding foreign and distant,"Died a year after the divorce."
She reaches out to touch the boy who has never so much as spoken a word about his mother in the entire time she'd known him.
He links their fingers together and she whispers, "How'd she die?"
Jake turns to her, green eyes watering, her non-existent heart breaking at the sight of his anguished face.
She reaches out to brush his tears away, and freezes as he whispers, so softly she isn't sure she's heard him right, but looking into his eyes, she knows it's exactly that,"She killed herself."
And she can't help it, thinking of the same expression Maya gave her as she left her room those couple days ago, and now Jake, the boy she tried so hard not to love's tears, Katie breaks, herself.
She wraps her arms tightly against his chest and feels his heartbeat thump against her cheek, "I love you, Katie." He whispers into her hair, "I can't lose you too."
-–
So maybe she's broken beyond repair, and maybe he isn't enough like he used to be, but he's there and he's broken too, so when she kisses him, letting her lips affirm the words she's too afraid to say, she knows he won't ever hurt her.
He's a boy who means what he says and she's a girl who's stopped believing in anything but she lets him try, because one day, she knows they'll both be okay.