The After of Tomorrow
The funny thing about Love is that it makes you crazy when you want to be sane. Does that make any sense? Another funny thing is that it is like a parasite. Love is not choosy."Love is patient and kind. It is never jealous" (So say one of the verses in the Bible). It eyes you- the host- and feeds on you. Like, being this horrible cupid or something. It also makes you a robot. It makes you fall in love with the person over some "charming" aspect or characteristic- how this person looks, a laugh, the way this person amuses you, how this person shows the slightest care for you, and the way this person feels around you. And you can't stop Love from "un-choosing" this person because Love makes the decision. Love is the master. You are the servant. Love is crazy itself. Love is comprised of a lot of emotions- happiness, anger, hatred, and sadness. It has steps too. You eye someone who is "attractive" (it is the first sign of falling in love), you get to know this person (if you are lucky enough), you confess to this person and you find out that the person also feels the same way (SUPER LUCKY), you give your heart, soul, mandible, sternum, body, whatever (here comes the climax), and it suddenly ends in the friend zone. Well whoopty-doo, CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE COMPLETED ALL STAGES OF FALLING IN LOVE, NOW SUFFER. You go back to where it all started- as acquaintances- and here comes the anger, the rage, and the sadness.
Hate is the absence of love but the product of falling in love.
No matter how much you hate this person, the heart cannot hide the fact that you are in love with that person.
It's what love makes of you, I guess.
YESTERDAY
"Well, there's this one guy I am interested in." I tell Hotaru. She and I are currently in my room. It is sleepover time! It's a tradition we have every month since we were children and it celebrates our months/years of friendship to come. Hotaru leans closer, her eyes shining like stars.
"Who is it, Mikan?" She grabs a bag of chips and gets a handful.
"Natsume Hyuuga."
She throws the handful of chips at me. I knew she would do that. I have prepared myself for it. Okay. I am lying. I wasn't expecting that and I haven't prepared myself for it. I thought she'd be happy or greet me or congratulate me into womanhood. I thought she'd say "Mikan congratulations! I knew that Hyuuga bastard would catch your attention sooner or later! Let's drink until we are freaking purple!"
"Mikan!" But no, she doesn't say it. She's got this Natsume-is-a-bastard-and-you-should-find-somebody-else look on her face. "Why? You know damn well that Hyuuga is a bastard, a playboy, an idiot! A moron! Selfish and cocky and a prick! He's the worst kind of bully! I would understand if you are interested in Ruka- but don't lay eyes on him because I had my eyes call dibs. MIKAN. Think of the situation you will be entering once you engage with Natsume. I bet my ass that there will not be a single day wherein you will not cry."
"You can't say stuff like that, Hotaru."
"I am your best friend, you idiot! Or have you forgotten about that?"
"Of course I haven't."
"Think of falling in love with Hyuuga. What do you see?"
"Happiness-"
"EEEENGK. Wrong! That is not it. You will be sad, depressed, helpless, and loveless. You will feel angst, hatred, and you will regret it. Don't you see? Hyuuga is this large black hole. He will suck you in- using his charm, looks, and abilities. AND, he will spit you out- meaning, break up- and leave you lifeless. Or, he will keep you and target another victim, then you will feel sadness and you want to break up with him but you are so preoccupied with the fact that if you do break up with him, you will never find another man as perfect as him, that you do not break up with him."
"So…"
"So, dear Mikan, you will be chained around him, addicted, attracted, clingy, and you will be in this world that only revolves around Hyuuga."
"And that is-"
"- A very bad thing, Mikan."
I answer Hotaru in silence.
"I'm just telling you this because I want you to be prepared. I don't have any objections with you and Natsume."
"But you just said-"
"Did I say 'Mikan, you retard! Don't fall in love with Hyuuga! I object!'? No, right? So I will support you, Mikan. You are my best friend." I can't help myself but smile.
"So… About you and Ruka?"
"Don't push it." And that ends the case.
TODAY
School. School. School. I am in Gakuen Alice and I am on my way to the building. It's usually peaceful in this time of the day. It's a bit early and not many students arrive at this time. A reason why I come to school early is to enjoy this scenery. Imagine: cherry blossoms blooming, cool breeze brushing your face, peace and quiet, and you are cleansed from any problem; then all these are suddenly interrupted by the boisterous laughter of teenagers, the shouting of men because of a match lost, the squealing of a group of friends because of an important matter, and the sound of footsteps everywhere: running, walking, and dragging. It is certainly a pain in the head.
I look up at the blooming cherry blossoms and inhale fresh air. I look around to ponder on this marvelous scenery until I see his familiar figure sleeping under one of the trees. He's got his arms crossed and his head bent down. Is he sick? He's probably tired. I debate whether I should take this opportunity and have alone time with him. It is every girl's dream to have moments with their crush or loved one. I take this opportunity. I grasp it.
I find myself walking towards him with the grass crunching under my shoes. My heart's beating faster all of a sudden and I feel my palms sweating. I feel blood rush to my cheeks and here I am. I stand in front of Natsume and wonder if I should go back. What am I doing here in the first place? Right. I grasped the opportunity of alone time with Natsume. Because he is my crush, the one person I am interested in. I sit in front of him and memorize every angle. His messy hair, his long eyelashes, his steady breathing, his jawline, his pink lips, and I screenshot this memory of how calm he looks. His eyes open. And I feel blood drain out of me. I meet his crimson eyes. They don't resemble the boy who bullies the other kids, the man who kisses every attractive girl he sees, or the person who is selfish and cares only about himself. I see a boy who gives a piece of his heart to someone dear to him, a man who is patient and reserved, and a person who captured my heart the first time I sensed something good about him.
"Mikan." He says my name. I feel butterflies in my stomach fly up to my heart. I feel my cheeks heat up and my mind swirling around and finding an answer to his future questions.
Why are you here? I saw you sleeping.
Are you stalking me? Why would someone with a beauty like mine find the need to stalk a person like you?
What's your business here? I thought you were sick or something so I came here to check if you were alright.
"You're here." I was not expecting that. May be he's half-asleep. He's thinking that I am this girl he's kissed last night under the stars. Or a girl he's met days ago who caught his eye. Or his real lover. I can never be those girls because I am millions and millions of heartstrings away. I should go.
"I should go." I stand up and regret walking to him. And the most unimaginable thing happens- well not really, I have imagined this for a long time and I have been waiting for him to stop me. He takes hold of my hand. He grips it. I look down to him and I come up with these thoughts to why he stopped me.
Why did he stop me? Did I do something wrong? Did I ruin his peace because I crunched the grass? Should I get something for him?
"Don't." And he looks up at me. It's not like I am this sheepish girl and lie that I don't want to be with him- because I really do and I have been like freaking dreaming about this my whole high school life. And yet-
"Don't what?"
"Just stay here." He still has this firm grip on my hand. Now I am really convinced that it is me he is seeing not some girl from his dreams or past. "Come on, Mikan." He totally wants me. I give in and sit beside him. The wind's furious now and my I have to control the movement of my skirt or else it won't be a pretty scene and I would hide or kill myself and become embarrassed for life.
Silence.
How long has it been? One hour? Two hours? Is it lunch already? Is it nearing dinner? Why is the sun not shining it's full light? What dimension am I in? Is this real? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS? I can still feel Natsume holding my hand.
"You have soft hands, Mikan." Is he on ecstasy now?
"Why are you calling me by my first name?"
"Doesn't everyone call you by your first name? Aren't you the hey-let's-be-super-super-duper-close-friends-on-the-first-day-so-you-can-call-me-by-my-first-name type?"
"... No." He is such an ass. Yet, I fell for him. I gave him a piece of me. Pieces of me, rather. ACTUALLY, I gave him my heart and he doesn't know it. Is that even possible? That my heart doesn't beat for me but beats for this guy right here? How can you have your heart beat for someone when it is your own heart?
"I thought you were that type."
Silence.
"Are you always this silent?"
Another stupid part about my carefree, stupid personality, is that I am so stupid that I blurt out what I feel.
"I like you, that's why I'm this silent." THERE. BURN, MIKAN. BURN. Leave now and have your peace. Leave now and cry and recall this scene and cry and feel embarrassed that you'd rather die than see tomorrow. Leave now and replay this in your head over and over and over until people catch you making weird faces- because you are unaware of doing so- and shake your head rapidly from side to side and invisibly punch yourself or bite the insides of your cheek.
Or, I can wait and see how this will turn out.
Silence.
I give up. I shrug my hand off his grip and say, "I'm leaving." I stand up and I am about to dash for my freaking life and dive in the ocean to end it. But instead I find myself being pulled back down. I don't find grass underneath me but cloth and muscle, I don't find dew from the grass in contact with my lips but something softer- his lips (duh), and I don't find myself on the grass- face flat on the ground- because someone is holding me in place, keeping my balance.
I am connecting the dots.
And boom. I. AM. KISSING. NATSUME. HYUUGA.
This is the reality. This is not a dream. Or is it. Or am I actually at home and dreaming about this? Or is my mind playing tricks on me again? Wow. His lips are soft.
I feel safe. Do girls always feel like this when they kiss somebody they like? Is it normal for their heart to flutter out of their body? How about super-ultra-mega butterflies in their stomach? Is it normal to have that much? How about my head? Is it normal to not think about anything else but focus on the fact that an average, not-in-the-top-100-pretty-girls-this-school girl like me is kissing the perfection that is Natsume Hyuuga?
Is it even possible that the said perfection could actually fancy me? Like me? Or is even... in love with me?
I am losing breath. I feel his hands on my shoulder and he pushes me back gently. "Mikan." He regrets it. I know it. I have to brace myself for the worse. I-
"I'm sorry."
I knew it.
"I shouldn't have kissed you like that."
I get it. You're up there, I am down here. We can never reach other as the sky can never reach the Earth.
"I get it. I get it. You think that this is.. is some kind of joke or child's play."
"I never-"
"It's okay, Natsume." Maybe... he really did mean it. But I am just so clouded to with the fact that he said "I shouldn't have kissed you like that" that it meant that he wasn't supposed to kiss me because he doesn't love me and that he is toying with my feelings. I don't want to assume but he made me assume! He...It's his fault? It's like Kiss but Don't Tell kind of play. It really is.
"I'm just getting out of my head. I tend to assume. I tend to say stupid things. I will listen to you."
"I didn't know I offended you. I'm sorry. It's just that... I have been.. waiting for this. All my life. And to think the chances are so slim for this sort of fantasy to happen. I've been in love with you ever since I saw you smile. And that wasn't just an ordinary oh-shit-I-am-so-happy, it's more of a oh-fuck-me-this-is-the-best-thing-that-has-ever-happened-to-me. Do you get that?" He chuckles and draws me nearer. If I am not mistaken, he is hugging me. I am sitting on his lap, my legs facing the school and his legs stretching out to my left, and I have my hands on his shoulders. So my body is in a twisted sort of manner but I don't feel the uncomfortable-ness of it. And he is hugging me. Natsume. Is. Hugging. Me.
Me. A girl in the Department of Last or None of The Girls You'd Ever Date. And he is in love with me. Me. I don't even look like Victoria Beckham or Emma Watson or Princess Diana. I don't even have the poise that they do! And yet, he is in love with me. Jeez, love sure is blind.
"Mikan?" He snaps me out of reverie.
"I.."
"I'm sure you don't love me. You're even disgusted with me, I know. And yet, you're the one who found me here. Not that I was expecting someone else, I really wasn't. But you. You actually saw me. And you even walked to me. I don't know how I am feeling now. And to everyone I am just this handsome, cocky guy- I'm pretty sure you think of me more on the latter- but, God. I've been waiting for you. I've always been watching you from a distance. I even wanted to kill those guys who got the chance to see you smile and watch you in your unguarded moments. I've been so full of rage and jealousy that I kept on pushing myself away from you."
It's my piece now. I think. It's part of the Heart to Heart Rule Book, it sets the mood.
"I think you're cocky, selfish, and arrogant. But underneath all that I found out that you give a piece of yourself to the little things you do and to the people you care about. Take Ruka for example. You care so much about him that not even men can touch him. You're like this huge human barrier that protects the people you cherish the most. And I fell in love with you for that. Your eyes show a different story. There's no hatred or angst underneath you, it's just your way of protecting people. I don't make sense..."
Silence.
"I mean... Even I gave a part of myself to you and it's function only beats for you..." I said. I finally said it. I sound so corny and sheepish and... I sound so ... so gay! I sound like some girl in a Shoujo Manga confessing feelings to a guy she's been crushing on ever since the world began!
"Oh that's funny. Because..." Our faces are inches.. no centimeters away now. I feel my face heat up again. "I've given my heart to you a long time ago."
I am so happy that I could just kiss him or even make love to him right now! BECAUSE. FUCK YEAH. The guy of my dreams just confessed to me and I won't be forever alone. AND OH MY GOD. And the words "I've given my heart to you a long time ago" keeps replaying in my head. Heart heart heart heart heart. I am going insane!
"Mikan." He says so softly like it's a secret. A secret that is only fit for two. I close my eyes and just thank God for this wonderful day. And I meet his lips once again. I will memorize these feelings and loop it in my head over and over. Like some Last Scenario Syndrome. I can feel him smile. How adorable.
"Now that I've nearly completed my bucket list," he says, "I can die. Now. I could just... die."
He's said such sweet things but the last lines killed it. Dying? Who would want to die in the first place? I mean.. he's not really dying. It's just an expression. Even I say that. I say those things all the time. Yet, Jinx is such a bitch that I might depart from the human world. "Don't say that. No one wants to die."
"I guess so. I guess they don't really mean it when they say it. But how about those who will die? They don't want to die but they don't have a choice. Nothing will work. Not even medicine. Or prayers. Or even a clean conscience. We are born to die. We will return to dust. No one will remember us in the year 5067. No one will remember what we've done under this tree or how we got our first wounds. We will return to a particle of an imagination, an unknown person in a stranger's dream, a vision, a memory, or we will not be remembered at all. If we die today, no one will even bother to care how much I'd give the world to you, how much I want to protect you, how much I love you, how my heart beats faster because I am in love with you, or how the butterflies fly around my stomach because of what love does."
He pauses.
"People won't bother to ask each other how Natsume won Mikan's heart. Or how they fell in love. Or how crazy they must have been because they were in love. No one, Mikan. There will only be two people in this world that experience these feelings the exact same way the moment expresses it to be: You and I. Just you and I because, I don't know, our hearts beat as one. We are a single soul dwelling in two bodies. We are in love. I.. I love you, Mikan. I really do. And I... Damn. I just want us to live forever. I want to feel these emotions with you. Happiness. Sadness. Hatred. Love. Because I... I don't think it's worth living to feel such emotions if you're not with me to experience it or if you are not the reason why I am experiencing it, Mikan. I just.. I just don't think I would want to live forever if forever would be without you."
I am... speechless. My mind is blank. I... I don't-
"I could have just said 'I love you' but three words? How can three words, eight letters justify the full meaning of being in love with you? It's like. I. Love. You. No meanings attached. They are just words. Love... it needs to be explained. It needs to be shown. It needs to be felt. And saying three crappy words is not enough. I just need to say this now because..."
He's wavering.
"...Because life is just not enough."
TOMORROW
I don't like the feeling of your heart sinking, your heart skipping beats, and your heart racing- especially when it's about something wrong, disheartening, and depressing. I don't like the feeling when you go to a certain place and your stomach churns and you just see life flash before your eyes. It's the sensation of your stomach turning, you heart stopping, and your mind clouded with: how and why. It's the horrible experience of looking at someone lying down and is peaceful.
It turns to the expectation of staring at something and your eyes are telling you that it is looking like this but reality says it's just not happening.
It will turn to the experience of looking for a person and hoping that the person will arrive but that person will just not.
It will turn to the haunting memory of looking for the invisible, the haunting memory of someone, and the haunting memory of a broken heart.
Now... here I am.
Do you ever get that feeling that you expect yourself to cry, to break down, and to commit suicide but some kind of roadblock is in the way and you just don't? That's how I am feeling.
How about the feeling that you've spent your entire soul to cherish that person and you, at the spur of the moment, give your heart to that person with nothing in exchange then suddenly you realize that that person is suddenly out of sight? Welcome to my world.
I am nearing this unknown 3rd space. This third space that will haunt me forever. It will... It definitely will...
And I look at him. He's so peaceful. He's got this charming smile on his face. I remember yesterday, charming and handsome. His soft lips. His firm grip, which meant he wanted to protect me. His hugs are like some beautiful barrier- shielding me from the inevitable. His long eyelashes. Eyelashes. His eyelashes are long. I love him. I still do.
He's wearing his best suit. He's so God damn handsome that I just can't stop staring at him. Oh, Natsume. You look so damn handsome, I just want to kiss you. I miss you, Natsume. I want to remove this gap between us and just hold you in my arms.
No one dares to disturb us because this is our space. Our third space. Our own world. Our own dimension. Ours. Yours and mine. Natsume.
Natsume, I know you can't hear me. I know you don't want to see me like this. I just feel so burdened and so guilty that... I feel tears streaming down my cheeks. My heart is aching. There's this lump on my throat. I can't think. I can't breathe. I can't swallow. I can't focus. Natsume, I feel this burden that you chose me to be in your last moments. You chose to be with me instead of lying down, eating, drinking, or resting. Natsume, you chose to spend all your time with me instead of spending it with more important people. Natsume... I just.
I can't think anymore.
I don't know how long I've been looking at you. And I can't even touch you. We are so close and yet so very far away. You're so far away that I can't even follow you, I can't reach you. I can't hear your voice.
I cannot hold you.
I cannot kiss you anymore.
Natsume, I can't look at you anymore.
We won't be able to take care of each other.
We won't be able to live life to the fullest... together.
We won't be able to do anything together.
Natsume... I won't be able to grow old with you... because, you are not here anymore but up there. Why... why can't you just breathe, Natsume. You were always good at making jokes. Why can't you make this a joke? Why are you lying inside this case like you are some kind of experiment- a display.
Why do I see those crimson eyes wide open but I look at you and they are closed... They will never open.
Why do I feel you are smiling at me, only me, but you are smiling at everybody.
Natsume, why do I look at your chest and see it rise and fall...
When I know... that... it is not...
Natsume, why do you look so alive... why do I feel that you are so alive... when... you lie here. Lifeless. Peaceful. Lifeless. Calm. Lifeless.. lifeless.. lifeless...
Dead.
Natsume is dead.
He is dead! NOTHING WILL BRING HIM BACK TO ME. NOTHING WILL REEL HIM IN INTO THIS WORLD. NOTHING... NOTHING. HE WON'T COME BACK ANYMORE! HE'S GONE! NATSUME IS GONE!
WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME, NATSUME? Please, Natsume. Open your eyes. Let your chest rise then fall. Move, Natsume... Move. MOVE GOD DAMN IT.
HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME?
WHY?
TELL ME!
DON'T JUST ABANDON US! DON'T ABANDON ME AND LEAVE ME HOPE THAT YOU ARE COMING BACK. THAT YOU WILL COME BACK. THAT... that... that you will appear when I need you. I don't see the point of life anymore... The events are just too fast... These events. It's just a long, horrible dream and I can't wake up...
I want to wake up because... seeing life without you would mean I'm dead...
Would mean... I am dead with you.
I'm dead. You took my heart with you and I have yours. With you gone... I am gone.
I miss you, Natsume. I will always miss you.
Don't leave me, Natsume... Don't...
"Natsume," I say after so long since I entered this third world, "I will always love you. I would prove it to you... every day but... " My tears won't stop flowing, my heart will never stop aching, my stomach will always turn when I think about this moment... when I think about you. "Life... is just not enough."
AFTER TOMORROW
I'm not suicidal. I'm not reckless, either.
I'm not... What happened to me...
I remember.. I was thinking about you.
Don't go. Don't go. I won't go. I'm not going anywhere.
Voices. I can't understand. I feel like moving. I think I am moving. I smell a lot of things. I smell soap. I smell rust.
Hey, angels? Hey... what are you doing? What is this place... I feel.. so.. weird. I'm so tired. Oh, Natsume. You'd definitely wake me up if you see me sleeping. Right, I have a quiz tomorrow... I forgot. What's our quiz? I forgot. I feel so tired. I must have hit my head or something.
I feel... so sleepy.
DON'T GO, MIKAN.
Huh, funny I should be saying that to you, Natsume. But.. then again... I'll study tomorrow. Yeah. I'll sleep first. I'll drift away. I don't want to wake up because waking up means spending another day without you. But then, you'd tell me to move on. Hang on... I'm so sleepy. My vision's getting blurred. I see light everywhere... I wonder... what time it is...
Mikan...
Natsume... I'm sorry I couldn't follow you...
White... It's so white... I see someone walking to me.. but. I find myself running because I know who it is. I know. I know it all too well. I run until I see him clearly, that same suit he wore yesterday. That smile plastered on his face. Walking. I knew it. I knew that he was joking.
I'm running but there is no air brushing my face.
I don't care.
Running.
Right. Left. Right. Left.
I'm not tired.
I see him clearly now.
I scream his name. I scream in desperation. I scream my heart out. I put my heart and soul when I scream his name because... he is my heart and soul. I'm so happy that I start crying.
Natsume. Natsume. Natsume! NATSUME!
"NATSUME!" I wrap my arms around him. He smells so familiar... like that day. Soap, sun, and grass. I kiss him. I let go. And kiss him again. I'm crying. I let go and memorize his face. He's smiling. My Natsume...
The reason why my heart beats, the reason why my life has meaning, the reason why there is a piece of heaven on Earth.
"I missed you." He says softly.
As I think of tomorrow, we fade in the clouds. Life is just not enough because there will always be forever to look forward to Eternity.
End of Today
(Beginning of Eternity)