Hold On My Heart
Rating: Mature
Characters/Pairings: Lucas/Peyton, Lindsey
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from One Tree Hill.
Author's Notes: My first One Tree Hill/Leyton story. Started as a one-shot but I decided to break it up into two parts. Mainly to allow myself some time to sleep...lol. Sorry if it's not so great. I'm writing two other stories at the same time and since this is my first OTH story, I'm still finding my way through characterization. The next part will be the conclusion and better hopefully. Enjoy!
Prompt: Forgiveness
Premise: Missing scene. Set after the 'I don't hate you' speech. Lucas properly apologizes to Peyton.
Part I: Apologize
Hold on my heart.
Just hold on to that feeling.
We both know we've been here before.
We both know what can happen.
- Hold on My Heart, Phil Collins
Sitting face to face with the girl he's loved for most of his life, Lucas Scott felt better than he has in days, weeks even. Staring into Peyton Sawyer's soulful green eyes was the most calming and serene experience of his life, always had been, and he wanted nothing more at this moment to tell her that. To tell her that there hasn't been a single night since they broke up that he hasn't dreamed of staring into those eyes. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry for the way he'd treated her since her return to Tree Hill and not just for telling her that he hated her, which he did just a few minutes ago.
"I don't hate you... I still remember the first time I ever saw you. All skinny arms and a tangled mess of hair."
He wanted to tell her that he still loved her. That he never stopped, not even when he stood up at the altar and professed before his friends, family and God, that he would love and cherish Lindsey for the rest of his life. The thought of doing that terrified him though. The last time he bared his soul to Peyton she turned him down (though in his mind he made it to be ten times worse). He wasn't sure he could face that again.
"It was hard losing you, Peyton..."
But a voice in the back of his head couldn't be quieted. Haley told him to stop running from his problems and hiding his heart. He figured this was good step.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice barely higher than a whisper but he knew Peyton heard him. Her eyes flickered away briefly. "For hurting you the way I have since you came back home. I was..." He sighed heavily, hoping the words he needed to say would make sense to her. She looked back up at him. "I was pushing you away and holding on to you at the same time and that wasn't fair."
"Luke," Peyton tried to interrupt.
"No, please," he responded lightly. His eyes searching her pleadingly, hoping to sense some understanding in her clouded gaze. "I need to say this."
Peyton nodded her head, silently giving him consent to say whatever he needed to say.
"It was wrong of me to blame you for our break up," the realization of the words hit him just as strongly as they hit her. "I went to LA to... try and recapture what and who we were in high school without thinking or even acknowledging that we were different people. I loved you just as much as I always had and I hoped that was enough to carry me through the trouble I was going through but it wasn't fair to you. It wasn't fair of me to want to take you away from your dreams just to help me with mine. And it wasn't fair of me to accuse you of not supporting me when that's all you've ever done... even when I didn't deserve it. You were afraid and I just... used it against you."
His words hung in the air as silence fell between them. Lucas' heart raced faster with every lingering moment. Peyton swallowed hard, trying to regain what little composure she started with. Yet, the tiny flame in her chest flickered with pride and hope.
"I love you, Peyton," he admitted resolutely. "I always have and I always will."
The tears that threatened to fall before did so now. Slipping down her cheeks silently as Lucas continued to make his declarations.
"It's taken me a very long time to get to this point, and the journey has not been easy at all. But here I am..." he laughed softly. "... sitting before you telling you what everyone else has always known: I'm in love with you." He smiled sweetly to her. "I was standing on the River Court, looking down at the words you painted, thinking about the immensity of your love for me, listening to a message Lindsay left me and it hit me. It's always been there: me and you. After everything we've been through together, after the things I've put you through, you still love me more than I deserve. I don't deserve you, Peyton. I don't deserve your unwavering support and devotion or your love. And I'll regret for the rest of my life pissing all over that, but if you'll let me, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
The words and emotions mixed within her violently. She wanted to rush into his arms and kiss him, to love him for the rest of her life... but too much has happened and she and Lucas needed to work things out before they could get their happily ever after.
"Lucas, you have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say those words." She closed her eyes and sighed happily as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. "How badly I've wanted to hear them since the day after you left LA." When she opened her eyes, the sadness had returned however. "But... it can't be this easy. You've been saying for months now that you're in love with Lindsey... even after she left the wedding." Peyton's shoulders raised and lowered in a helpless shrug. "I don't want this to sound harsh or like I'm pushing you away because I'm not, I just... I want you to figure out what you want."
"I know what I want." Peyton scoffed lightly. "I do, Peyton. You're right. This isn't easy and it's not supposed to be. And you have every reason to be weary of what I'm saying right now. My actions these past few months haven't been the best indication of how I feel about you, but my words are true. I love you and I'll do whatever it takes to prove that to you."
"What about Lindsey?" she had to ask. The memories of him standing at the altar with Lindsey hurt her still... deeply. "You almost married her, Luke."
"Peyton," Lucas tried to interrupt.
Shaking her head, "I need to say this, Lucas."
He nodded sagely. She'd let him have his say, he had to let her do the same.
"You stood before God and all of our friends and promised to love and cherish her for the rest of your life," she said softly. The tears spilled from her green eyes, but she continued on. "I watched you... watched you say 'I do' to her. I watched you fall apart when she left and I watched you chasing after her." Peyton shook her head softly, as if trying to dislodge the bad memories away. "You have no idea how badly that hurt. No idea, but I got through it. I told myself that it made you happy and that's what I want for you because I love you. I love you, Lucas, but I can't be your second choice. I won't be."