So here we go, crack. I think it's funny, anyways. Enjoy!

Chance Bradley Crawford?

"Farfarello, get the fucking door!" A high shriek from the top of the stairs.

There was no movement form the living room, just bouncy music and a lower voice raised in answer. "Bite me, Pokemon is on! You get it, you lazy prick!"

"What did you just call me?" Heavy stomping on the stairs as the redhead flew down in a flurry of rage. "You damn freak, answer the door when I tell you to!"

Farfarello met him at the base of the stairs, barelling into him and sending them both tumbling to the floor. "You're not in charge and I don't have to listen to you!" There was a squeak at the sudden contact and a slap fight started, curses and insults flying.

"You two are the biggest idiots ever." Nagi slunk out of his room and slipped around the wriggling mass at the base of the stairs. The door was flung open and he placed his hands on his hips, staring at the short, dark-haired woman facing him. "What? Whatever you're selling, we don't want any, we don't give to charities, and we have more than enough religion in this house."

"Wahll, ain't you a sweetiebun!" A friendly hand reached out and patted the brunette on the head, ruffling his short bangs. "Ya muhst be Naahgi." The boy was so shocked by the thick accent and the unexpected pat he froze up, staring at her. "Wahll, ain't ya gonna 'vite me in?"

"Who, who are you?" He could heard Farfarello and Schuldig tiptoeing around behind him and sent a flash of power to freeze them in place. They weren't leaving him here alone to deal with this!

"Why, sweetiebun, Ah'm your daddy's momma!" Her voice lowered in a conspiratory whisper and she leaned in very close, enough for him to make out he scent of lavender she used as soap. "Thaht makes me your grandmomma, sweetiebun."

No no, that couldn't be right, his family was gone, left him out in the street when they couldn't' handle him. ::Nags, come here.:: Schuldig in his head and he smiled a bit and backed away to escape. ::I can't get a read on her, who is that?::

::She said she's my grandmother. That's not true, is it?:: He released his teammates and a friendly hand ruffled his bangs again, Schuldig's touch much more welcome.

::Course it's not.:: A slightly comforting pat and the redhead pulled away, kicked Farfarello in the shin one last time, and scooted into the porch, smiling pleasantly. "Good morning, I'm Schuldig, how can we help you?" A light push at her mind but nothing gave; there were no shields that he could feel, just, a blank space.

"Ahz Ah was tehllin' the little sweetiebun, Ah'm hehre ta see his daddy. Thaht boy shore grew up quick, didn't he? Why, Ah never even goht to see 'im whan he was a baby. Looks just lahke his daddy though." Dark eyes looked the slender form over, taking in the long, loose orange hair, the tight pants and the loose over shirt. "He doesn't look much lahke you though, dear. It's ahlright, the next one will, though ya mahght wan' to get stahrted. Y'ain't gettin' any younger now ahre ya?"

Full lips opened and closed, Farfarello's laughter loud behind him. Red flushed the pale skin and he tried not to clench his hands into fists. "I believe you have the wrong place." Not that he wanted to be polite, but if he couldn't get a read on her mind, it would be good to just get rid of her.

"Ahre ya sure? I'm certain Chance lives here. Ah'm never wrong, not when it comes to finding mah Chance." Schuldig just shrugged and waved Farfarello out to stand beside him. "Nope, thatht's not mah baby boy. Where is he?"

"Oi, ye dunna think she's talkin' of Crawford, do ye?" The blond dragged out his thick brogue, the one he only used for special occasions "Cause he isna here. He's gone ta some meetin' thingy."

Dark hair shook and the woman tsked. "Wahl, that little brat. He's always runnin' away from his momma. Ah'll just wait for 'im here thahn." She swept past the stunned pair of assassins and wrapped her arms around the skinny brunette, squeezing him as he reached for Schuldig's help.

Problem was, he wasn't sure how to give it. His mother certainly never hugged him and Farfarello's probably did, but look where that ended up. "Ah, Mrs. Crawford? Maybe you should let Nags go. There's been a mistake. Brad doesn't have any children, and I'm certainly not Nagi's mother." A swift kick sent the laughing blond beside him stumbling, starting a whole other slap fight while Nagi choked and wriggled frantically.

"Please let go." He was hesitant to use his powers on Crawford's mother but he really couldn't breath all that well. "Maybe, um, we could have lunch?" ::What do we have for food?::

::How should I know?:: Orange hair tossed over a shoulder and he shoved Farfarello away. ::Far? What's left for food?::

::Nothing, the list is on the fridge.:: One last swipe at his playmate and the blond wandered away to watch his show, interest in the stranger lost.

::Aw, fuck. Far, get back here! You and I are going shopping. Nags, you watch her and try to call Brad. Find out if she is his mom and what the hell she's doing here.:: Schuldig ignored the protests from both teammates and flounced back upstairs to find something more masculine; being mistaken for a woman once was his limit.

"Ah, Mrs. Crawford? Can you, ah, let me go, please?" Delicate nudges had no effect on the woman's grip and Nagi tried to shove with his power a bit. Nothing happened and he felt a flare of panic before squashing it firmly. He could handle this, nice and easy, use those tact lessons Brad had insisted he sit through. "We can get the kitchen cleared up and have everything ready when the guys get back. It won't take long and we can have a nice lunch while we wait for Brad to come back.

"Aww, sweetiebun, you can call me grandmomma Bella. You ahre such a cutie!" She beamed up at him, arms still cinched around his waist. "But don't you thahnk your momma might be mahd if we go and use her kitchen?"

"Ah, I mean, I am not Brad's son! And certainly not Schuldig's!" A shudder at the thought shook the slender frame. "We just live here. I can use the kitchen if I want. Those lazy jerks barely know how anyways." He tried to smile and edged back, pulling himself away from her loosened grip. "I'm going to call brad's cell and see if I can reach him. Why don't you sit down in the living room? Just turn Farfarello's show off if it's annoying."

"Don't touch the remote!" Heavy steps jolted down the stairs and a hard thump claimed the couch. "I'm watching! You can't change it if I'm watching!"

A glance and a raised eyebrow at the youngest man. "Ah, well, house rules. As long as he's watching, no one touches it. Keeps it a bit more quiet." He motioned her towards the kitchen instead and she followed, shooting a last glance over her shoulder.

The phone rang and rang with no answer while Nagi tried to ignore the yelling from the living room as Schuldig tried to get Farfarello to leave his show. 'Oh god, please, this isn't happening.' But it seemed to be, the brunette woman, Bella, sitting quietly at the table, watching him, shooting glances at the swinging door he'd closed behind them.

"Sweetiebun? Ahre they ahlright?" The young man started and turned back to face her, setting the phone down on the counter.

"Yeah, they're fine. It's always like that." Schuldig darted in, grabbed the list and bolted out, waving quickly and slamming the outside door. ::You better come back! If I have to chase you down later, I'm blowing all your tires, including the spare set in the basement!::

::Blah blah, won't be more than a few minutes. Brad's paying, so we'll just run to the Sev.:: Laughter came through the link and Nagi could hear Farfarello laughing too, that high pitched giggle he got when he knew he was going something he shouldn't be.

'Oh god. Please, please let this be a horrible dream.' Still seemed pretty real. ::He's gonna kill you.:: A shrug came back and he rubbed his head helplessly. "So, ah, should we get started?"

"It reahlly wahs a man? Ah'll be!"A pleasant smile, slightly vacant and the woman stood, making no further mention of the chaos that was his life. "Wahl, shore, let's geht goin'. Where should we stahrt?"

"Um, why don't we set the table and, ah, get out some pots and I'll make spaghetti?" A short nod and they started moving dishes around, pulling out pots and pans, sorting spices while chatting awkwardly. More, Nagi listened and tried to pay attention while his helper babbled about how thrilled she was to meet him and find 'her dahrlin' Chance' and how fun it was to travel in different countries.

By the time Schuldig wandered back followed by Farf carrying a dozen bags, the table was ready and Nagi had dug out some pasta to start. ::Help!::

::Uh uh, I'm going back to my room. And I think Farf is gonna need some attention cause he missed half his show.::

::Your tires are still in danger, now help!::

::Little prick.:: The redhead started unloading bags on to the counter, randomly mixing boxes and bags of produce. The blond wandered around the kitchen, sticking his fingers in the pasta pot and digging out a still mostly hard strand.

Before he could pop it in his mouth, his hand was smacked with a wooden spoon and he stared at the little woman who glared at him. "Now, whaht kinda mahnners ahre those? Wahit until it's done!" The single eye flared and he started to vibrate, wriggling at the prospect of playing.

::Far, no. Not until we get a hold of Brad. Then you can play. I'll find you something else if she's off limits.:: Schuldig slipped his arms around the thin shoulders, chucking lightly in a small ear. ::Promise. Why don't you go check and see if that medical show is on, the one where they do on screen surgery?:: The blond was tense for a minute but relaxed and walked off without looking back, ignoring the other three.

Bella stared after him, confused at the abrupt change in expression and the sudden turnaround. "He's ah bit spehcial, ain't he?"

"Yes, yes he is. It's best to just ignore him." A sweet smile from the youngest and he started to direct the cooking process while ordering Schuldig as to where things belonged. The meal was finally finished and served, the blond scrambling for his favorite seat and waiting impatiently for Schuldig to serve him; another house rule, nothing hot was to be touched.

It was a stretch, but Nagi and Schuldig managed to make conversation, answering questions and encouraging Bella to talk about herself. Right up until she started in on religion, stating she was a devout Catholic and starting in on the joys of belief and faith. Farfarello immediately shoved Schuldig out of his seat and settled in it to stare in rapt attention.

While the redhead was still whining about being pushed, the door opened and shut, Brad's heavy steps and the usual thud of his briefcase hitting the side table clear. "Brad!" Nagi was out the door like a shot, banging the swinging wood against the wall hard enough to mark.

"Chance!" Bella was right behind him, arms outstretched to gather her son in an awkward hug.

::What is going on?:: Brad took in Nagi hiding behind him, a woman, mom?, hugging him firmly, and Farfarello lounging in the door, knife in hand; he waved for it to be put away and it vanished in a sleeve.

::Dunno, she just showed up looking for you.:: A few last bites were grabbed before Schuldig followed the trio out to lean against his partner, arm wrapped carefully around the trim waist, just in case. ::You realize she's a Negative?::

Dark blue eyes narrowed at him and the younger man smirked. ::Of course I do. Why else can't I See her?:: His mother was chatting away at him and he nodded when appropriate and tried to steer her towards the door. "Mother, why don't we go have tea somewhere? I know some very nice places you would really enjoy." Her bag was collected and her coat appeared from the kitchen and settled in Farfarello's hand to be handed over. ::Get your stuff, we leave within an hour of my return.::

"Wahl, I suppose. Ahs long as the boys hehre don't thahnk it's too rude?" They nearly fell over each other to assure her it wasn't. "Ahlright then, come on Chance." The door shut quietly behind them and the three men left stared.

"Was Brad, blushing?" Nagi stared, still in shock from the entire ordeal.

"Holy shit, am I glad my mother was a bitch. At least I never had to see her again." Schuldig pressed his nose to Farfarello's neck. ::Did good, Far.::

The blond head turned nearly a hundred and eighty degrees for gold to stare into green. "You promised."

"Yes, yes, and she went and got you all worked up too. Well, we're going out." A sweet, sharp smile. "Don't wait up, sweetiebun."

A series of explosions came from outside and the redhead ran to the window, staring down at his car. A wail of denial and Nagi grinned; another, softer series from below and the wail became a scream. "Have a nice walk, Mommy."

So there we go, complete crack and written in under an hour. Go me. Review please, let me know what you think.