Trepidation

Author – Becka (preciouslilme)

Rating – PG-13 (for language)

Category – Angst/Romance

Spoilers - 'The Torment Of Others' (book – see author's notes), 'The Mermaids Rising'

Summary - Carol and Tony have a late night talk. Tony reveals is past and what it was he thought would hurt Carol.

Author's Notes – For those of you who haven't read 'The Torment Of Others' the living arrangements of Tony and Carol in this fic are based on those. I don't think it's mentioned in the show but Tony's 'problem' is his impotence, which is mentioned in the books.

How do I do this everyday? Carol asked herself, staring at the blank TV screen as if it held the answer. It wasn't the murders, or the crime, or even the workload that she couldn't handle. She often questioned how she could handle all these things but not a moment with Tony Hill. She rubbed the bridge of her nose. Why did she torture herself over him? Of the few relationships she had had while working with him all had ended because she could never feel with them what she felt for Tony everyday.

Standing up and walking over to the door separating her from his part of the house she wondered exactly how late it was. She touched the door handle, wondering if she dared open it and see him, without any other apparent motivation, and in her pyjamas at that. She felt the pull of the door but didn't register it until it was open and Tony was standing in front of her. He looked as shocked as she felt.

"Sorry." He said, though she wasn't sure why he was, "I couldn't sleep and I saw your light on. I didn't see any sense in us both sitting awake alone. Like to join me for a coffee?"

"Love to." She said smiling.

Five minutes later they sat next to each other at Tony's dining table, both with mugs of coffee beside them. She tried not to stare at him, though it was often she got to see him in the t-shirt and shorts that were presumably his pyjamas. At least he's in his pyjamas too, so I don't feel like an idiot, Carol thought.

"I was remembering earlier, about when we met, our first case together."
"What about it?"

"Nothing in particular."

"What's your type?"

"What?"

"Michael, the first night I told him about you he asked me what my type of man was."

"And what was that?"

Carol smiled. "I asked you first."

"Can I trust you?"

Carol laughed suddenly "I can't believe I just started a conversation that's making us sound like two teenagers – show you mine if you show me yours."

There was a pause.

"She'd have to be intelligent and independent."

Carol nodded. She'd expected as much.

"She'd have to put up with you for a start."

"Then I'm destined to remain alone forever."

"You don't think anyone could put up with you?"

"To put up with me they'd have to understand me, and my work. I have to be able to tell her about Angelica without her probing me with questions."

"It sounds like you've thought about it."

"I have."

Tony's face darkened, shadowing their previously light conversation.

"Sorry." Carol said.

"What for? You didn't cause it and can't change people's reactions."

"For bringing it up."

He remained silent. It had always amazed Carol how quickly he could go from strictly professional to the wounded man underneath. She wondered how many people he had shown that side of him to. A part of her told her that she was one of very few.

"How did we end up like this Carol?"

"Like what?"

"Married to our jobs, never getting close enough to anyone to have a serious relationship with anyone."

"That's not true."

"No. There's a possibility because of our lack of time to meet many others outside of our job we begin to like, or even love, someone we know through work. We'll never act on these feelings though, and may not even admit it to ourselves because we don't want to ruin the relationship we already have with them. Also the isolation from other people may make us afraid of going outside of the relationship boundaries we already know."

"Will it ever change?"

"Probably not, though I suppose it could if the person was able to overcome their fear."

Carol leaned closer. "Is it possible for two people in that situation to love each other but feel it is unrequited because one is afraid, not allowing themselves to become something."

"That is very possible."

Carol could feel his breath on his skin now. They were so close…

"What are you afraid of Tony?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"How could you hurt me? I know why you're afraid of a physical relationship and we can work on that, but why an emotional one?"

"I never open up to anyone, so my relationships never work. If I told you everything your perception of me may completely change and it would hurt you."

"I can handle it Tony."

"But what if you can't?"

Carol suddenly got angry. Why wouldn't he let himself open up to her? Didn't he trust her enough for that? She stood up.

"For fucks's sake Tony! I love you! I've worked with you, I've lived with you, I've seen what you have. I've put up with you this long, give it a chance. If it doesn't work at least we can say we gave it a shot and we won't have to deal with the tension, wondering what could have been."

Tony remained silent.

"Think about it, okay?" Carol said, turning back towards the basement. She had only walked half way when she felt him take hold of her arm. She turned to face him.

"Don't leave."

Taking this as an acceptance to what she had said she placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

Tony went over to his couch and Carol followed, sitting beside him. He reached up and turned off the main light so only the two table lamps lit the room.

"It's harder to talk about these things in the light. I don't know why."

Carol nodded and placed her hand on his knee, which she hoped reassured him.

"My father didn't show love to anybody. It wasn't a matter that he didn't feel it, he just wasn't good at expressing it."

"Like you."

"Exactly. My mother thought her marriage was breaking down and in self preservation closed herself off. I was often locked in my room, out of sight, out of mind. When I wasn't I was doing everything around the house while my father worked and she lay in her room 'thinking' as she put it. At the rare times she came out she would tell me I was worthless, that I couldn't do anything right. It was those comment that made me want to do well in school, to become someone.

"I chose to get into psychology because I thought I could help people who had been in situations like me. It was when I began working with criminals that I realised exactly how like me some of them really were. From broken homes, abused, used. I still don't know what the difference between them and me is. It could be something as little as one moment in my life keeping me from becoming one of them. It's always haunted me."

"You're not one of them because you're a good person. There doesn't need to be any other reason than that." Carol said.

Tony continued. "My…problem began when I had my first patient who had sexually motivated killings. That such sick perversions and sadistic actions could come from one's sex drive disgusted me. What I once thought of as healthy became what was keeping me from becoming one of them. I guess some part of my mind believed that all it would take was one partner who wanted something…different and I would become as perverted as some of my patients.

"Angelica didn't help things. She made me feel as if she had infected me when she kissed me. Being in that position…there's nothing like it. Knowing you could die at any moment, testing me to see if I could out talk her in order to live. And every man I saw you with made me feel even more pathetic. What kind of man was afraid of asking a woman out because he was worried of where it would lead and what she would expect?"

"You make it sound like I've had men throwing themselves at me."

"You know what I mean."

Carol nodded. "The reason for your impotence makes you just as much a man as anyone else Tony. You sacrificed your own pleasure in fear that you would then hurt others. But it isn't the sex that causes these people to be who you are. Nature and nurture. Both contribute to who you are. It was your nature that made you want to become something better, that made you a good man, that makes you so you will i never /i be like them. Some killers may have been abused but in the end it was their nature that caused them to go that final step."

"It's a good argument."

"That's because it's true. But thankyou."

"For what?"

"For trusting me enough to tell me."

"It was tell you or lose you. No matter how hard it is for me to talk about my life it would be harder to not have you."

"I'm touched."

They sat in silence for a moment, understanding and relief hanging in the air.

"It's late." Carol said.

"Are you going?"

"Do you want me to?"

"No, I want you to stay. Follow me."

Tony got up and led Carol down the hall, into his bedroom. Carol raised her eyebrows.

"No sex, just sleep in each other's company."

"First time I've ever heard a man say that." Carol said smiling. "I like it."

Tony pulled back the sheets and got in, but Carol hesitated.

"You don't have to stay." Tony said.

"I want to stay. It's just strange, after so long suppressing it."

At that Carol got in beside him. She lent forward and kissed him harder than before. This time he responded.