A/N - Hey guys, I actually wrote this a while back with the intention of making it an anthology with all the characters based on different horror movies. I only ever wrote this one though and had forgotten about it until today when I realized it's Halloween. Anyway, it's not that great, but hope you enjoy anyway.
Disclaimer - Don't own That 70s Show or any of the characters or dialogue nor do I own Misery the film or novel or any of the characters in them.
Fez's Misery
"Hold the line! Love isn't always on time!" Fez sang along to the song playing on the radio as he made his way back to Point Place for the first time in almost six months. Eric once told me he thought my voice was good for this song you know.
Yes, Fez, we all know! Now let me tell the story! Now…normally he wouldn't drive in this kind of weather, but, as previously mentioned, it had been six months since he'd visited and his beautiful goddess Jacquelyn Burkhart-Hyde, the most gorgeous girl in all of Wisconsin, was not taking his "busy schedule" excuse anymore. Plus, she promised that if he made it in time for the twins' birth, then he could be a god father to one of them.
"Hold the liiiine! Love isn't always on time!" Fez sang out loudly as he considered that in his country such honors were only bestowed upon those who have ripped the claw from an angry chicken. That is where the phrase "like a chicken with his hand cut off" comes from. Actually Fez it's…You know what? Nevermind.
Anyway, Fez was so happy Jackie and Hyde would even consider him that nothing could get him down. Well…almost nothing.
"Aaaah" Fez screamed as he swerved his car just in time to miss the deer standing in the middle of the road, illuminated only by the headlights on his blue Volkswagen Beetle. Fez was so thankful he missed the deer that he didn't realize he'd run off the road and was now headed quickly toward a…
"TREE!" Was the last thing Fez said before blacking out.
"Ooooh" Fez moaned. He could literally feel his brain splitting. It was worse than the time he chipped his tooth biting a jaw breaker and he'd actually thought he broke his jaw that time!
He slowly blinked his eyes open as they adjusted to the blinding white light hanging above his head. At first I thought I was in heaven. But then I thought where are the pretty girls in white or the free egg rolls!
Fez panicked, thinking that maybe he might be in hell because there were no pretty girls in sight. He tried to turn his head and felt a sharp stabbing pain in his neck.
"Aii" he moaned attempting to lift his arms. Shifting his eyes downward he realized his arms and legs were bandaged.
"I am not dead?" Fez voiced his question aloud, more to reassure himself than for anyone else. Trying to move again, and feeling that stinging pain all over his body "I AM NOT DEAD! I AM NOT DEAD!" he shouted in jubilee. Looking around as much as he could with his stiff neck and injured body, he realized he was in a small bed room. There wasn't much in the room, aside from the bed, an antique looking wooden night table and a dresser. He shifted his eyes to the right to the one small window in the room.
Outside he could see the supernatural glow of the moon reflected from the thick blanket of snow below. While he had surmised that he was not in heaven, he was pretty sure it wasn't hell either because he was not burning an even darker shade than he already was (as his host parents had assured him happened in hell).
"If this is not heaven…and it is not hell…where am I?" Fez asked himself. Before he could come to a conclusion, the room's wooden door swung open. He could smell the delicious aroma of food as his gaze shifted upward. At first, all he saw was a tray being pushed through the door by a pair of delicate feminine hands. As his savior kicked the door shut with her foot her golden blonde locks swung in a circle. She placed the tray on the nightstand and Fez's eyes shifted to the bowl of what looked like your ordinary chicken noodle soup and a biscuit but smelled so delicious he was sure he could smell the grain on which the chicken had fed.
Seriously Fez? The grains? I'm not reading this. I was reeeally hungry! Whatever...
His mysterious benefactor used her free hand to push her hair from her face as she spoke.
"You're home with me! I saved you Fezzie Poo!"
Despite the pain in his neck, Fez swiftly moved his head upward, eyes bulging and sweat beads on his forehead. It can't be! He thought.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
If it weren't for the very real and delicious if I might add soup that Caroline had been feeding him, Fez would be sure that he was dead and this WAS hell. I'm still not sure it wasn't!
Ok, even though the soup appeared to be very real and it was quite delicious, Crazy Caroline's presence made Fez question if he was in fact in hell. Thank You. You're welcome.
So, as I was saying, Fez was still in a state of shock after realizing he'd been saved by Crazy Caroline. She was currently slowly feeding him spoons of soup as she smiled lovingly but slightly crazed, at him.
"When I saw your car out there on the road, I knew god had sent you to me!"
"How did you find me?"
"I followed you from your house sweetie! I saw it all! God, sent you to me!" she exclaimed as she placed the bowl back on the tray and hugged Fez's aching body.
"Owwww, that hurts!" he cried out.
"Oh sorry Fezzie" she said as she placed a gentle kiss on his lips and Fez wished he had the strength to fight her off. Although that kiss did feel good.
"Where am I?" Fez asked when she removed her lips.
"My family's cabin." she stated matter-of-factly.
"And where is that?" Fez asked innocently.
"Where they put cabins! Why do you want to know. ARE YOU TRYING TO LEAVE ME!" Caroline's face had turned beet red as she slammed her fist on the bedside table causing the spoon to flip from the bowl and sling hot soup in Fez's eye.
"Owww! My eye!" I finally know how poor Kelso felt all these years.
"Oh, Fez, my love! I am so sorry" Caroline's features had immediately softened as she saw Fez's eye turning red from the steaming, hot liquid. She reached for a napkin, dabbed his eye and then kissed it.
"Here's a little something for the pain I'm sure you feel" she said, reaching into her jean pockets and pulling out red, blue, and white pills. "How about you get some rest and we'll talk in the morning. Ok?"
Fez stared skeptically at her tiny palm "It actually does not hurt that bad, but maybe now that I am awake you should take me to a hospital?" his voice was shaky, afraid that Caroline would do something crazy. Because…well…she's crazy.
"Sorry baby, no can do!" she said, lightly poking his chest. "There's a blizzard." She pointed to the window where Fez could now see the snow falling swiftly "You're staying right here with me." Her voice had a sharp edge to it and her narrowed eyes told Fez all he needed to know.
Reporter Number 1 - What were you thinking then Mr. uhhhh…what the hell does that say?
It's pronounced…
Nobody knows, just call him Fez
Reporter Number 1 - Ok, Mr. Fez, what were you thinking then?
I was thinking Crazy Caroline is going to kill me! I'd never get to eat my ten year anniversary Everlasting Gobstopper I bought the night I first saw the most wonderful movie ever made. The masterpiece, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Good day! I said good day! That is genius dialogue! And sadly, I would never hear it again.
A single tear rolled slowly down his left cheek when he thought about his beloved movie and candy. Caroline quickly wiped his face with a sickeningly sweet and cheerful grin and bounced on the tips of her feet as she skipped to the door, expertly balancing the tray with Fez's dirty dishes and leftover food. She reached up to turn off the light, gripping the tray with her other hand.
"Goodnight, I love you Fezzie." She blew him a kiss as she lightly closed the door.
Fez prayed in his native language for the first time since he'd faced deportation a few years before.
Reporter Number 2 - Mr. Fez, where ARE you from?
America you son of a bitch! I am a citizen just like you now!
Ok, any further questions will have to wait until the end.
…1 Month Later…
It was nighttime and Fez had managed to sneak into the living room while Caroline was asleep. To his dismay, there were no phones but he did manage to find her diary. What he found inside was disturbing to say the least. Her thought process indicated she was nothing less than a sociopath and a serial killer in the making…and she was escalating. At this point I'd like to take a moment to read to you it's first entry.
Dear Diary,
I have to get my Fezzie back and I know exactly how. I will DESTROY all of his friends so that he is forced to come to me for comfort! Diary, you will be my only accomplice in this plan. I will drive away his precious midget Jackie…
That bitch! Jackie! Your kids are here! Oh, right. Ahem…
I will drive away his beautiful olive skinned temptress, Jackie. It's only a matter of time before her precious Hyde has another one of his jealous panic attacks Fez told me about. And when he does, cousin Samantha will come in and scoop him up! She better or I'll tell her father she's a stripper now…or kill her. Whichever. I already convinced that Star Wars nerd Eric that there was an actual scholarship for teaching in Africa. Hahaha…what an idiot. The villagers I paid off will hold him hostage until I stop paying and then they'll release him or…kill him. Again, whichever. Randy will take care of that red headed lumberjack Donna! Then I'll take care of him. Why would Randy do this you ask? Because if he doesn't, I'll tell everyone he used to be a woman! It's true! He did! Can't you tell? Have you seen his hair? And what about Kelso you ask? He is now legally allowed to carry a loaded gun. I'll let him handle that one himself.
The entries get more and more graphic and of course you all know she eventually hired a hit man to pose as Samantha's husband and kill her. She was a master manipulator. Good thing she was not a master baiter. Get it? Master Baiter? Masturba-
Fez! We get it! Back to the story...
Over time Fez's limbs were slowly healing and with some effort he could push himself from bed. As he watched Caroline's black pickup disappear into the horizon on her daily grocery run, he mentally prepared himself to escape. He couldn't take another day of her psychotic mood swings. Every time she made a quick movement, Fez flinched and drew in a deep breath, convinced it would be his last. Well, today, he was going to break free!
Fez pulled his shaky body fully erect, and finally removed his hands from the bedpost where he propped himself up. He broke out into a wide grin and then…
His body promptly flopped to the floor. His legs were not yet accustomed to this much work. He began to pull himself across the floor like a soldier crawling through a trench, grunting as he inched forward as once again, the wooden door swung open…
"Kelso!" Fez was reaching happily up to Michael like and infant wanting to be picked up.
"Thank god! It is you! Quick, we must leave here!" he yelled, knowing that Caroline would be back any minute. Her shopping trips never lasted long.
"Man! You were here all this time!" Michael exclaimed as he reach for his walkie talkie.
" Kelso! You must listen to me we have to get out…" Before Fez could finish his sentence, he heard Caroline's truck pulling up outside.
"She's back" he whispered.
"Who's back?" Michael asked, still grinning widely.
"Caroline! Crazy Caroline!" Fez rushed out, now extremely agitated.
As soon as he heard "Caroline" Michael began to panic. He'd had had his share of crazy chicks but Caroline was a whole different kind of crazy and he did NOT want to face her wrath. Looking down at Fez's prone body, wearing only his tightie whities, one arm stretched out pleading not to leave him with Caroline, Michael knew there was only one thing to do…
Run!
And that's exactly what he was going to do until he heard Caroline's footsteps ascending the stairs. Looking swiftly around, he saw that his only refuge was the closet, so he quickly stepped over Fez's body and ran inside.
"You bastard!" Fez squealed as the closet door shut and the bedroom door swung open.
"What did you call me?" Caroline looked down at Fez menacingly. "And what are you doing out of the bed?" she was looking around suspiciously. She got down to the floor and looked under the bed.
"Oh I was not talking to you my lovely. I had a bad dream, I must have sleep…crawled?" Fez was struggling for something to say as his heart beat wildly in his chest, afraid she'd check the closet next.
"Well let me help you back into bed sweetie" she said as she hefted his body up and half-dragged half-carried him to the bed and placed him on his back. "There nice and comfy" she pulled the covers up around him. "I'll be right back" she gave him a sweet smile which he returned with an uncomfortable grimace. When she'd exited the room, Michael cracked the door to peak out.
"Get me out of here! You son of a bitch!" Fez whispered loudly at Michael. Before Michael could make a move to exit the closet, Caroline came back in. He was still hidden but the closet door was now cracked. He could see Caroline carrying two pairs of handcuffs, a small wooden plank, and a sledgehammer.
What the hell? Both Michale and Fez thought.
"I know I left my diary out" she said it like it was an accusation against him as she placed all the items, minus the handcuffs, on the floor. She got on top of Fez, straddling his waist as she glided her finger down his right arm. That part felt good.
Eww Fez! Anyway…
"I can imagine what you might be thinking of me" she said as she placed the first pair cuffs around his right wrist and locked it around one of the bars on the headboard.
"But, you see, Fez, it's all ok!" she said nodding her head as she began to caress his left arm.
"Last night it came so clear." She was smiling and looking toward the ceiling. "I realize, you just need more time" she said looking back down at Fez, grabbing the other set of cuffs, and after placing them on Fez's left wrist she quickly removed her body from his.
"Eventually you'll come to accept the idea of being here." She bent down and picked up the other items she'd brought in: The plank and the sledge hammer.
Fez's brows were knitted in confusion and Michael's eyes were glued to the scene. He sensed something bad about to happen, but had no clue how to stop it.
See what kind of idiots you got on your police force Point Place?
Steven, be quiet! You're not supposed to be talking! This is Fez's story!
Says the woman who hijacked FEZ's press conference!
Steven, it makes sense for me to do it, I'm a well known tv personality here AND I'm beautiful!
Jackie, an assistant job with What's Up Wisconsin, that you got FIRED from might I add, does not make you a tv personality!
Oh for the love of god! I'll take it from here… Caroline stood-
No Fez! You said I could tell it! Now move! Umph! Dammit you didn't have push me you whore!
Hey! Don't call my wife names! And that was badass Doll.
Thank You. Anyway…
Caroline stood at the foot of the bed now, looking to Fez at the head with his hands cuffed above him.
"Fezzie, do you know about the early days at the Kimberley diamond mines?"
"No, I don't know anything about a Kimberly I swear!" Fez called out, thinking Caroline was afraid he was cheating or something equally insane. It was like she didn't even hear him because she just kept talking.
That sounds awfully familiar. Steven! Fine, Fine...Not another word. I promise.
"Do you know what they did to the native workers who stole diamonds?" She asked and Fez's face was fear stricken as he remembered that Caroline had entered the room with a sledge hammer. She saw the fear in Fez's eyes.
"Don't worry" she caressed his legs. "They didn't kill them. That would be like junking a Mercedes just because it had a broken spring." Her expression was blank as if she were in some sort of trance. Fez was terrified.
"No" she shook her head swiftly as if answering a question "they had to make sure they could go on working…" she bent down to pick up the piece of wood and placed it between Fez's ankles.
"…but they also had to make sure they could never run away. The operation was called "hobbling." Fez was beginning to really freak out now.
"Caroline…Whatever you're thinking about doing, Please don't do it." Fez begged her. "Caroline! For god's sake!"
"Shh darling" she said as she put her finger to her lips "Trust me."
"God's sake!" Fez yelled in an attempt to assuage her as she raised the sledge hammer in the air.
"It's for the best." She replied calmly.
"Caroline, please!" She brought the hammer down to his right ankle crushing the bones.
"Aaaah! Aaaaah! Aaaah!" Fez cried out in pain.
"Aaaah! Aaaaah! Aaaah!" Michael yelled as he jumped from the closet, waving his gun around wildly. His exit startled Caroline and on his last wave of the gun it discharged, sending a bullet to Caroline's head. Her body flew back and landed hard on the floor.
"You SON. OF. A. BITCH! You had a gun the whole time!"
"Well, yeah little buddy." Michael nodded proudly. "I take my gun with me everywhere!"
"Then why the hell did you let her do THIS to me!" Fez violently jerked his head in the direction of his foot.
"Because she's crazy! You saw what happened to your ankle man, I can't have that happenin' to my face! I'm too man pretty! I mean without my gorgeous face, I'll just be a luxurious head of hair, a tight ass, and a hot bod!" Fez rolled his eyes, exasperated and in too much pain to argue.
"Just get me the hell out of here, you moron!"
At that moment, Caroline moaned and Michael quickly walked over to her and shot her in the head again, causing her movements to still.
"Kelso!" you killed her!
"Don't worry little buddy, they're just rubber bullets. They told me we can't afford real bullets down at the precinct so they can only give me these. Cool huh?" At that, Michael used his radio to call for back up and that brings us up to speed with where we are today!
Reporter Number 3 - Mr. Fez now that you've moved back to Point Place, aren't you afraid that Caroline will escape again and come after you and your friends?
At first yes I was, but then I realized Caroline is not the mastermind we think her to be. Every step she took to break me and my friends apart only made us stronger. Jackie and Hyde and Donna and Eric are all married with children now. I, Kelso, and Brooke have moved back to Point Place so, instead of twice a year, we see each other all the time. And Kelso was promoted for her arrest!
With her luck, if she breaks out again, she'll accidentally introduce me to my wife with her next scheme. Now, I am done answering questions for the day, my friends and I would like to sit in a circle with one another.
Good Day!
Reporter Number 4 - But Mr. Fez!
I said good day!
FIN