[Something quick I wrote when I wasn't feeling too well.]
Here you are again. Dave let out a long sigh, closing his eyes and letting the voice do as it always did. There wasn't a way to stop it from letting out what it wanted to say, so there was no point in trying anymore.
You sure like to sit here and mope a lot, don't you? Do you enjoy knowing that you aren't doing anything for your friend right now? You claim to care for him, but when it comes to the moments when he really needs you, you're the first one to back away. What are you scared of? At this point you're becoming one big lie.
Dave refused to move his eyes from the wall in front of him. The room was dark, only lighted by a dim lamp on the other side. His brother wasn't home, and he was pretty glad for that. It gave him time to think. On second thought, he wished he didn't have time alone. It always turned out painful.
You are pathetic. You're always going on about how you aren't a hero, when it's really easy to be one. What if he's suffering right now? It's all your fault.
"It's not my fault he's upset. I didn't do anything." Dave breathlessly muttered. His heart felt as if it was slowing down.
Exactly. You didn't do anything. So when he's six feet under, you'll finally realize what you did. What you're doing right now. You did nothing.
"Stop saying things like that. It's not like John is dying."
You don't know that. Don't act like things like that aren't possible. It's so simple to fall into that dark void and never find a way out, and you should know this Dave. Don't you remember? You know you do.
"Shut up."
All you needed was one friend.
"I said, shut up."
Remember holding your brother's sword, Dave?
"Stop."
Remember holding it up to your neck?
"Stop!"
Remember when John began messaging you? Remember how you would have done it, if it wasn't for him?
"Please just shut up!"
He saved your life. Look at you now, Dave. Look at how you're repaying him. You're sitting here in your house staring at a damn wall. You needed a friend, and he was there for you. He didn't laugh when you told him, he didn't even run to call your brother and possibly spread it so that everyone would look at you differently. What did he do? He sat there, listened over Skype, and he cared. He didn't have to do that. He could have walked away and let someone else handle you. Even worse, he could have let you do it. He could have let you kill yourself.
"I know that!"
Then why are you here? Why are you doing absolutely nothing? You're the worst excuse for a friend that this world has the bad luck of laying eyes upon. You're right. You're no hero.
"What can I do? I don't know what to say."
Why do you have to say anything? What if he just wants someone there to listen to him? What if he just needs to know someone in this damn world cares?
"Rose and Jade will handle this better than me."
You keep telling yourself that. Do you enjoy telling yourself lies, Dave? Let's think about this for a second. Last year on that day, would you have responded to Jade or Rose if they messaged you instead?
"..."
Precisely. You can tell yourself otherwise a thousand times, but the truth is you were waiting for John to message you, and only John. You wanted to know that it was he who cared for you. Do you want to know why? I think you know why.
"Because I love him."
Because you love him.
"What's your point?"
What do you think is being implied here?
"Are you saying John loves me?"
Perhaps, or at least likes.
"Why do you like to mess with me? John's stated it himself, he's not a homosexual. So this is a stupid conversation that I'm having, with pretty much myself, over nothing. I'm giving myself false hope."
So what if he doesn't feel the same way for you? Stop being selfish! You're always such a selfish person!
"Selfish? Don't you dare call me selfish! I've kept my feelings locked up for years so that I wouldn't have to burden him with them! I had to control my heart beat, my out-of-place smiles, and tears when I was around him. I had to resist leaning over and pulling him into a kiss every time he smiled that brilliant dorky smile of his. I had to to be able to look at him without breaking down knowing that he would never feel the same way!" Dave's knuckled were beginning to turn white from how hard he was clenching them. He grunted and threw a fist at the wall, successfully hurting himself.
So that makes him less of a person to help right now?
"That's not what I mean."
So you won't message him because he doesn't love you back?
"That's not it at all! You don't understand!" Dave was beginning to grip his head. Why wouldn't the voice stop?
Then why don't you try and talk to him? Why? Why?
"Because I'm scared! I'm scared I'll say something completely wrong and God knows what will happen then! What if I say something that convinces him this world is shit and that there's no reason to go on? What if I'm the one to basically pull the damn trigger on him?" Dave could feel the tears slipping out of his eyes, but he didn't care. There was no one here to watch.
What if you're the one to save him?
Dave froze. Every muscle in his body tensed up and he had to remember to breathe. The voice was gone, but its final words still lingered in his head. What was he doing? His best friend was upset and he was basically doing nothing about it.
Immediately he dragged himself up, putting his hands on the wall to help him. Dave exhaled shakily as he limped over to his laptop, his foot being half asleep. He plopped down on the couch and quickly opened up Pesterchum. He signed in and glanced at his friends usernames, inhaling sharply when he saw ectoBiologist online.
-turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:05-
TG: egbert
EB: dave?
TG: how are you
TG: wait that sounds stupid
TG: of course youre not doing good
TG: unless you are and im sounding like an idiot right now
EB: ...
EB: i'm really glad you messaged me, dave.
EB: it wasn't going well.
TG ...
TG: im here for you egbert
TG: for real this time