You might find this story a bit weird. It kind of is.
The Volterran Experience
She is the biggest fucking pain in the ass I have ever encountered and I'm stuck with her forever, thanks to mythology.
It's partly my fault, the way she is - it's partly everyone's fault - her entire extended family on both sides will never have another child, grandchild or niece, and that makes Princess Messie so special, and doesn't she just know it? She has been spoilt to the point that she is insufferable, a tyrannical bitch who is selfish, narrow-minded, thoughtless and entirely self-obsessed. I doted on her from her babyhood, never said fucking no, and I am now reaping the benefits of my folly, as are we all.
Her poor mother and father are tied to her by blood and there's nothing they can do about it. So are one set of grandparents - Charlie and Renee. As for her father's family, he was adopted and none of them have a genetic link to her, and the mindless adoration they felt for her for years has started to dissipate with the knowledge of how monstrous she has become.
Every time she speaks she gets that whiney tone in her voice that makes you want to tear your own eyelashes out, and she keeps it up until you give in or your head explodes. All in all she is a petulant, tantrumming, manipulative, never-satisfied, intolerable cow and I am the unluckiest of all of us because fuck! Just because.
You wanna know why?
Okay, she's immortal. We think. So am I. We think.
I'm tied to her by bonds greater than anything on this earth, til death us do part, and that's just it! Neither of us are going to die! I will live forever as long as I am near her, and my need to be near her is so fundamental, so basic, so undeniable it works at a cellular level, it's simply a biological compulsion. Much as I would like to run away from her complaining ass, I can't. Fucking great.
My only hope is - fuck, I don't have one. Messie Cullen is my fate. How did it ever come to this?
Her mother's name is Bella, and I met Bella when she and I were both kids. Her parents separated, and Bella moved away to live with her mother, and I didn't see her again until she was seventeen. I got the shock of my life. Bella had grown up so pretty, so sweet, so smart, and I got a crush within seconds of laying eyes on her. My dad ribbed me about it, and set up ways of getting me to go round there so I could see her. Her dad was in on it too, and the fully approved Jacob-Bella romance was all set to transform my life.
But there was one slight hiccup. A family called the Cullens had moved to town a couple of years previously, and though I had nothing to do with them, I knew a bit about them. It was all just a little strange - the parents were too young for the kids, and the kids were in incestuous couples with one another. Billy, my father, would acknowledge the head of their family, Carlisle, and would speak civilly to him, but none of the elders of my community would allow their names to be mentioned and I wasn't quite sure why. I figured it came down to their lifestyle choices and the older folks around town didn't want teenagers getting the idea that it was fine to shack up with other teenagers in openly sexual relationships.
All this should have had nothing to do with me, but the trouble was, Bella seemed to have taken one look at the only single guy in the family, and had completely fallen for him, and according to the town gossip, he'd fallen for her, too.
Billy was extremely unhappy about it, and even bribed me to talk to Bella and ask her to quit hanging around with the Cullen kid. Fuck - I wanted her to quit hanging around with the Cullen kid because I wanted her to hang around with me, but she had it bad.
At first I saw it as a minor hindrance, I thought he was just goodlooking and mysterious and she'd get over it and come to me, but she just seemed to get in deeper and deeper with the freak. I started to detest him, and it wasn't only because of Bella, it was partly because my normally easy-going father didn't like him, and partly because something about him just gave me the creeps.
And then Billy started talking about the old stories. The stupid fairy tale stories from generations ago when some dangerous tribe called The Cold Ones came and lived in the area, and some of the locals turned themselves into wolves to protect everyone else from the newcomers. Billy told these stories like they were significant. And then some of the older guys in my community had growth spurts that were just ridiculous - they all got way bigger than their fathers ever had, and they started running around never wearing shirts, and they got matching tattoos on their arms. They wouldn't talk about any of it, like they thought they had some fucking gang and they were all too cool for the rest of us.
All this was going on and I was in constant turmoil. I had a deep crush on a girl who didn't want me, my father was acting weird, my mates were acting weird, and I started to get really bad-tempered with it all. And really hungry. And I started to bulk up too, and outgrow all my clothes.
And then suddenly the stories weren't stories any more. One day I was mad about something, I can't even remember what it was, and I went into a rage and just fell apart. Literally. I fell onto the ground, supporting myself on my hands, and I felt like my face exploded and I looked down at myself, and those fucking stories all came true.
I had paws and claws and fur and a tail and a sudden craving for raw meat.
And while I was running around the woods on four legs freaking I realized I could hear voices in my head, and it was big Sam Uley, the leader of the gang, and he talked to me, and the others did too, and they told me the Cullens were the Cold Ones, that they were immortal, that they'd lived here hundreds of years ago and now they'd come back. They were vampires. And Sam and the other guys with the tattoos were what I was. I was one of them. A fucking werewolf.
This was doing my head in, and besides having to try and cope with the idea that I was now a slavering, giant, hairy mobile flea-housing unit all I could think was that that fucking bloodsucking teenage freak was going to kill Bella and I should go savagel him with my shiny new teeth.
The other guys calmed me down and told me some bullshit story about a treaty and about Bella being safe as long as both sides behaved themselves, and I went back to Billy and talked to him about it all, and he talked the most he'd ever spoken to me in my life. He said vampires mate for eternity, and that if this Edward had decided Bells was the one for him, he would never undecide it.
And then he told me about imprinting. We wolves pairbond for life too, apparently. One day you just see someone and then it's like nothing exists in the world for you apart from them. It can't be undone, it can't be resisted, you imprint and you're bound forever. When he told me about it, it sounded romantic, and I thought maybe I'd imprinted on Bella, but Billy said no, I was just jonesing for her, imprinting was fundamental and primal and the subject of your imprinting becomes the air you breathe. He said I'd know when it happened.
And then all this other shit went down, I loved Bella and she loved Edward Cullen and I was damned if he was going to change her into what he was, although she had let me know that she had asked him to. If he did it wouldn't increase the vampire population hereabouts because the wolves would end him, and then at least Bella and I would be immortal together and he'd be out of the way...
Oh, God, I was a fool. They got married, and to my disgust the bastard managed to get her pregnant and the little brat inside nearly killed her and I was ready to rip it apart, but then something happened. You wouldn't have thought my life could be any stranger, but destiny had things in store for me I couldn't have begun to ever guess at.
The pregnancy had made Bella really sick, and so I was around there all the time, looking out for her, and I was there when the birth happened. The baby was a little girl, and as soon as she was torn from the body she had almost destroyed, Edward's sister handed her to me, and Edward set about the business of vamping Bella, because she was bleeding to death.
I looked at Bella's almost-killer, and for the second time in my life, all the stories came true. Vampires, real. Werewolves, real. Imprinting, real. Check.
She was a baby, just a baby, a little, tiny, wrinkled thing with perfection and glory in every chubby line, and she held me, just like that. Seconds was all it took. I knew she would never let me go. Something invisible, unimaginable, unknowable came from her to me and I was no longer an individual, no longer of independent mind, no longer Jacob. I was hers.
Edward took Bella away for a few days then, as apparently new vampires are voracious and will attack anything in sight. I couldn't let go of the baby and she had to be prised from me for diaper changes and feeding, despite my insisting that I would do it all. Little Nessie was everyone's pride and joy as no-one in Cullen's family had ever even dreamed they would be blessed with a young one. Charlie, Bella's dad, was beside himself and nearly as besotted as I was. Bella's mum Renee turned up and doted too, and Nessie was a gurgling, laughing, happy little bundle of sunshine, spreading peace and humor and smiles to all.
Things were a bit touch and go when Bella realized I'd imprinted, and she called me a few choice names and even tried to maul me. I was too happy to be upset, although the thought did cross my mind that maybe I'd only loved her because she carried the egg that would become the pivot-point of my whole world.
Billy was astounded, and the pack were astounded since no-one knew such a thing as Nessie was even possible, and imprinting is so sacred that even though there were a few mutterings of "mutant" going around, no-one would dare lift a finger, or a paw, to my Nessie. The penalty for harming an imprintee is death.
Now Nessie had a gift, as some vampires do. Nessie could touch someone's cheek and transmit thoughts and feelings to them. This was gorgeous and blissful. She'd touch me and radiate pure baby love and I'd shine. She showed her parents how much she adored me and they didn't quite shine, they were pretty pissed, but everything was all about making darling Nessie happy, and they grudgingly admitted Nessie couldn't grow up and have human boyfriends, and at least I was immortal and very strong. So they grudgingly admitted that perhaps the whole I would be hers forever thing might not be too bad. Apart from my dog smell. And obviously, neither of them were entertaining the thought that one day I would want to get my dick inside their precious girl's tunnel of love, because either or both of them would probably have pulled my head from my shoulders.
Another thing about Nessie was that she was precocious, mentally and physically. She grew phenomenally fast. We had to keep moving to new towns - of course, where Ness went, I went - because she grew at more than twice the normal rate. When she was only three, she looked like a six year old. And so on. I had no sexual feelings for her whatsoever because she was just a little kid, but by the time she was hitting seven human years, she was looking sixteen or seventeen, and things started to change. I was frozen at about twenty-five physically, and hormonally I was a bit of a mess, knowing that I had an unbreakable attachment to a girl who wouldn't be ready for me for a while, and desperate to get sex while recognizing it was unfair to other girls because I could never love them. As it happened, I found one or two who were willing to have a fling with a guy who said honestly that his heart was already given elsewhere. I didn't want to be a fumbling fool when Ness and I finally got together, I didn't want to not know what to do.
And now for what was slowly but surely taking place within the mind of Nessie Cullen. I couldn't possibly work out when it started. I'm told all kids are ego-centric, and it's years before they even understand that other people have separate minds, let alone separate lives. Nessie was so cherished, and was shown such unbending, unflinching devotion by so many people that she didn't seem to develop the theory of mind Bella kept telling me about.
"She's so bright, she's so clever, she'll surprise all of us with her understanding and her insights," Bella insisted proudly, and I was the only one who seemed to have any misgivings about Nessie's exaggerated sense of self, and about her demands.
"I want this! I want that!" she'd pout, and eight vampires, two humans and a werewolf would rush to get it for her. Nobody ever thought of restraint. Nobody ever thought of withholding. Everyone was at her beck and call, everyone picked up after her because she was too too lazy and privileged to lift a finger, and thus the nickname Messie came about. At first it was used with affection, but it soon became a plain statement of fact. She treated her family like staff, and showed no respect or appreciation for them.
And then one of the girls I was seeing gave me a book to read on the plane that was taking me out of her life as I moved with my bizarre clan yet again, because of Nessie's unnatural growth. The book was called Strange News From Another Star, by Herman Hesse.
"These are dark fairytales," the girl warned, and I'd never told her anything about my unusual life, and the unusual people I hung around with, and the fact that I could turn into a large copper-red wolf any time I felt like it, so I guess it was all a coincidence that she gave me that particular book.
I was enjoying it, when I came to a story called Augustus, and I started to feel disturbed. A whole lot disturbed. Augustus was a boy whose mother had made the wish for him that he would always be loved. That seemed a caring and right thing for a mother to wish, but the boy grows up unchastised, taking everything for granted, never said no to or refused anything. He never learns how to care. My interpretation of the story was that unconditional love and approval don't necessarily make you a nice person.
I started to think of the way Nessie was never censured, she was never disallowed anything, she went from one of us to the next like a little cute puppydog asking for treats, and got them every single time. Nessie had us all wrapped around her finger, and had never known anything else.
And then I started to notice that she was pushing the boundaries a bit. Not that she really had any, but she was starting to test us all. She was becoming spectacularly selfish and conceited. I started to wonder if she actually liked anyone. I couldn't really express my concerns to Bella or Edward, but I told Billy, as he was by far the most sensible person of anyone connected with her, and he'd actually brought up children. Charlie had too, of course, but he was under Nessie's spell. She reserved special smiles and cuddles just for him and he was putty in her hands, but Billy could see what I meant.
"That girl needs to be brought down to earth. Given a dose of reality," Billy said sternly when I described how Nessie had flounced out of her own birthday party sulking over the presents. Her parents had taken her for a suprise weekend away, with me, of course, and her grandmother had redecorated her bedroom. She didn't like the new decor and wouldn't speak to her parents or Esme. Her aunt Alice had bought her an entire range of expensive skincare and makeup products and Nessie had announced she wouldn't use it. Edward had bought her a piano and she'd said it sucked. Edward's sister Rosalie had booked her archery lessons and she had complained because she wanted to learn fencing. Nobody could give her anything she could be pleased about. The family sat and stared bemusedly at one another, realizing they had raised an ingrate. I was taking her to the pictures and she grumbled because I hadn't brought my motorbike, I'd driven round in my car.
Now Nessie had already been on a few dates, and I guess she was feeling the normal teenage curiosity and hormone surges. I'd had to follow along behind and more or less spy, not because I wanted to, but because of the way my imprinting worked. I couldn't risk having some guy touching her and frightening or even hurting her. So the three of us would be sitting there at the restaurant or whatever, and the poor guy would never know whether I was the third wheel or he was, and Messie would get more and more pissed off with me.
On her birthday when she and I got to the cinema, Messie put her hand up to my cheek while we waited to go in. Because of her ability to transmit unspoken messages, I got a very clear picture of what she had in mind. She wanted us to sit in the back row and make out. It was something she'd never done yet with a guy. If I was any normal teenage boy on a date with any normal girl I would have been over the moon about this, but suddenly I didn't want to kiss the bratty mouth that had upset so many people who loved her.
"Ness, we can't do that stuff. You just turned eight," I told her and she scowled and hissed, "I'm older than that, and you know it," and spent the whole movie trying to grab me and grope me anyway, despite being told no. The man in me wanted to give her a good smack on the behind, and not in a sexual way either, and the wolf in me wanted to pick her up by the scruff of the neck and shake her. I couldn't do either of those things in public, and I couldn't do them in private. She was very strong, although not as strong as me, and she was feisty. She'd put up quite a fight, she'd be vitriolic, and she'd complain to the vampire family that I'd upset her and it just wouldn't be worth it. I started to wonder if any of it was worth it.
"Has anyone ever not wanted the person they've imprinted on?" I asked Billy later, and he shook his head sadly at me.
"No, son," he sighed, but he could see my dilemma.
"Look, Jacob," he said, "Carlisle Cullen mentioned to me once that there is some sort of supreme council of bloodsuckers - spooky five hundred year old dudes with ancient rituals and hocus-pocus. Maybe you could ask him if he could find out from them if there's any way out of this situation? I hate to see you unhappy, and quite honestly, I'm not looking forward to that Messie becoming part of my family. What if the two of you have kids? Her offspring would be my grandchildren!"
"Me, speak to Carlisle Cullen without smacking his ugly face off? I guess it's worth it if there's the slightest chance of canceling the imprinting..." I mused. Desperate times, as they say, call for desperate measures.
And so I found myself rocking up at Leech Mansion a couple of nights later to meet with the chief demon. They don't sleep, so it was after midnight, which was pretty apt, really.
"Jacob," he said politely, inclining his head as I walked in. The rest of them hissed or shrugged - they were used to me after all these years and I even got on well with one of them, Emmett. He was the strongest and he and I liked to wrestle. The two girls and the pansy brother tolerated me because of Bella and Messie, and the fake mother Esme, was actually quite nice as far as vampires go. Edward, of course, was a mincing pain. It was easy to see where Messie's less appealing traits had come from, although in Edward they were nowhere near as bad. In Messie, mincing and painfulness were present in a very pure, undiluted form.
"Carlisle, no offence meant to you or anyone in your family, but I really can't abide this business of being imprinted on Renesmee," I stated. I couldn't even call her by the loving diminutive any more, she annoyed me that much. "I want to be released from it. Do you know if there's any way at all that could happen?"
He considered. "I'm sorry you feel that way Jacob, but I quite understand. She's a trying little character. We're all going to be honored with her, ah, quirks for all of eternity, but at least the rest of us can get away for breaks now and again. In your case I believe it's hard to breathe when you're apart from her? Mystic bonds take no prisoners, hmm? I'll contact my old friends in Italy who have all sorts of esoteric knowledge, it could be that there is some way out of this for you."
And then it turned out the Italian bunch didn't use phones or the internet, so we couldn't just dial them up, and they didn't like to travel so they wouldn't come see me for a consultation. It was a case of Mohammed going to the mountain. And since I physically couldn't be away from Messie, darling Princessa was about to have a roman holiday. Of course, I couldn't tell her what it was all about.
"Have you ever wanted to go to Tuscany?" I asked her. "You know, history, art, pasta..."
"You're only interested in one of those things," she sniffed to me. "And you can stuff your face with pasta any time you want. Why go all the way to Italy? You don't even have a passport."
"I am interested in the world beyond our borders," I said, although Messie had pretty much been my whole world for the last seven years, since the unfortunate First Glance.
So Carlisle used some of his shady connections to get me travel documents quickly, and pretty soon Messie and I got on a plane and everyone who knew her looked relieved that she'd be gone for a while. Kooky Alice gave me a pint-sized bottle of something labelled "Dr Bach's Rescue Remedy" at the airport.
"It helps you to be calm. Take one or two drops at a time, whenever you feel stressed," she said. "This should last you the duration of the flight. I hope."
Edward Cullen, all round loser and guy with way too much time speaks more languages than he needs to, and Messie inherited this dubiously useful gift. She was fluent in Italian, and proved it by arguing with the airline staff at both ends of the flight, the taxi driver, and the hotel receptionist.
"While we're here, why don't we visit the vampire vatican?" I asked nonchalantly as we settled into our room, which of course wasn't nice enough. I knew perfectly well she'd find a way to pick a fight with the world's head vampire as well. Maybe he'd get so irritated he'd revoke her immortality.
Apparently the Vulturi hung out in some old, well-preserved palace-type affair, and I bundled Messie along there the day after our arrival. The night before had been difficult, to say the least.
"Jake, honey, we're all alone now. Don't you think we're ready to consummate our - you know, relationship?" she'd whined, wearing hardly anything and rubbing herself against me. I had the normal male response to warm, willing girl, and got hard, but the thought of her caustic tongue, and the way she would no doubt complain and find fault with me was as effective as a cold shower, and I had to think of a way to fob her off.
"Ness, I think something strange happened to my circulation during the flight. You know that deep vein thrombosis condition that can kill people? I think my blood has pooled in my ankles. I'm sorry babe, I'm just not up for it," I told her. "Maybe in the morning?"
And then in the morning I told her we'd slept in and we should hurry up to get out and about, because in Italy the best stuff happens before 8 am. Since Messie didn't know anything about anything, she bought it.
I hurried her along crowded, narrow streets, past window boxes of flowers and bits of stone paving and structures that had been there for I don't know how long, because I didn't really read the tour book, and we reached a plaza with a big old building that looked right - all pillars and height and fancy facade. If I hadn't had quite so much resting on this visit I reckon I would have enjoyed looking at it. As it was, I rushed us both inside and said, "Ness, your lipstick is smudged. How about you go to the ladies' restroom and I'll meet you back here in five?"
She was so fucking vain she rushed off immediately and I looked around for the nearest vamp. The air was thick with the putrid smell of them, and it was only seconds before I was surrounded.
"Dog," one of them sneered, but I wasn't intimidated, and really, I couldn't give a shit.
"Take me to your leader," I said.
I was led down some corridors, past some paintngs, through some curtains and into a vast chamber with art on every wall and even the ceiling, and the whole place was ornate and decadent and I could scent old blood in the air, and the reek of their murderous dietary habits.
Someone was seated in the middle of the room and he was pale and gaunt and black-haired and wearing ridiculous clothes and he looked like he thought he was the Prince of Doom.
"Wolf, you are courageous indeed to venture into our den," he purred. "To what do we owe the pleasure of your little visit?"
"I have a question, O Wise One," I said sarcastically.
"Don't trifle with me, fool," he hissed, leaning forward dramatically, and about seventeen vampires crowded around me ready to strike, but I could easily take them all with one paw tied behind my back. I wasn't as worried as they should have been.
"I'm in a bit of a tricky situation, Count, and I wondered whether you'd be able to help me out," I said.
"You are insolent," he remarked.
"Well, it's like this. I've imprinted, and I just don't like the girl. I'd like it annulled, if that's possible," I said. "Maybe you know of her - Renesmee Cullen?"
"Ah, one of the vegetarians," he mused. "And how are the delightful Bella, and the sullen Mr Cullen? We so look forward to a visit from them one of these fine days."
"They're pretty much as you described them. Bella's lovely and Edward's a dork. They've got this daughter, as I'm sure you know, and I imprinted on her, as I'm sure you also know, and it's just not working out for me. She'd be much happier with someone else. Is there a way to make that happen?" I asked.
He did this rubbing his chin thing to make it look as though he were thinking about it.
"There is," he said. "It is, of course, unprecedented, but according to lore an imprint can be undone. You must however find another beforehand to transfer the imprint to. And you must find someone to take care of the girl after your abandonment."
"Can we do it today? Who have you got? I'll take anyone," I said quickly.
"Where is the object of your lack of affection?" he asked smoothly.
"Looking at herself in a mirror. She may be some time," I answered, and he waved his skinny, overdressed arm and one of the minions scuttled off, no doubt to fetch Messie from the task she undertook willingly for hours of every day - admiring herself.
"Abominable creature that you are, for your partner you may choose mortal or immortal," he said. "If you choose a vampire mate, you will remain immortal. If you choose a human - you will be subject to the vagaries of temporal life. And as for your little hybrid, she must immortalize her choice if he be human, or she shall be widowed all too soon, a sad state."
One of the foul bloodsuckers turned up then, with a grouchy Messie on his arm.
"The splendid Ms Cullen! I am delighted to meet you!" Mr Smooth said, and Messie launched into a diatribe about not liking the soap in the bathroom, and finding fault with the air-conditioning, and she moaned about this and that so much the Vamp King actually started to roll his eyes and grimace.
"Yes, well, I'll speak to the janitor," he said. "I understand you're part human, part vampire, Ms Cullen? How fascinating. May I shake your hand?"
Carlisle had told me about this. He said King Nasty could tell everything about a person from touching their skin. Messie held up her limp, idle wrist and our gracious host took it in his thin fingers. A look of distate crossed his face.
"Er, yes. Quite," he said. "How enlightening. Now, we have a boy here with the same mixed parentage as yourself, and he has expressed a wish to meet you. Nahuel - where is Nahuel?"
We turned around and a lanky, long-haired boy wandered in, looking curiously at Mess.
"Isn't the food here oily? Don't people drive badly? Does the toilet work properly in your hotel? Aren't the staff rude?" she said.
He raised one eyebrow and didn't answer.
"It's smelly, isn't it? The streets are dirty. They don't clear the rubbish often enough. It's not hygienic," she went on. "I wouldn't be surprised if I got food poisoning."
"Are you just going to stand there and complain?" he said finally. "Why don't you fuck off?"
And Messie stopped in her tracks. "What?" she demanded shrilly. He turned around and walked away.
"What?" she yelled behind him.
"I said why don't you fuck off," came the answer. She followed him, stumbling in the ridiculous, unsuitable high-heeled shoes she had insisted on wearing despite the cobbles, gasping at the first person ever to utter those words to her.
"You can't speak to me like that!" she huffed to his retreating back.
I turned back to my wan host.
"Well, that was easy," I said. "I seem to have already offloaded her. Now I just need to find someone for me. What about you? Are you attached? We could be bff's. How would you like to be my special friend?"
There is nothing quite so funny as taking the piss out of a vampire because they just don't know how to laugh at themselves.
"Is there any reason I shouldn't kill you where you stand, wretched canine?" Lord Pasty-face asked coolly.
"Yup. I'm the only person you've met in the last three hundred years with a sense of humor," I told him. "And relax, I'm only joshing with you. I'm not gay. Not in the slightest. What's your name, by the way?"
He didn't relax. He looked like a rattlesnake, expressionless and ready to strike. "Aro," he answered.
"Arrow? Like, as in Cupid? Well, how apt. You can be my matchmaker. Where do I find a nice girl around here? Can you recommend any?"
Aro sighed, and I got the impression he didn't like me too much, and he wasn't even prepared to try. His loss.
"If you can give me any indications as to your preferences, I'll see if I can think of anyone," he sighed, looking like he was already over it.
Well, my preferences - I'd thought plenty about these over the last couple of years, when I thought I wouldn't ever have a choice, and it wasn't too hard coming up with a list. I wanted someone who was the exact opposite of Messie.
"Sweet. That's very important. Kind and funny. They're both vital. Considerate. Self-aware. Patient. Affectionate. Genuine. Doesn't have to be immortal, but I would like someone healthy. Oh, and plump. Can you do plump?" I asked. Messie was skinny with no ass.
"Having seen into the mind of your unintended, I can see why you are asking for all these characteristics. However, there are no plump vampires. We'll have to find you a human. Why don't you go for a walk around the town? If you see someone suitable, bring her here and we'll get straight on to transfering the imprint," he said.
"Gosh, Arrow, I really appreciate that you want to move so quickly on this," I told him. I reached to take his hand. He put both his mitts in his pockets instantly.
"The sooner it's done, the sooner my business with you is concluded," he admitted. "I find you impudent, whelp. In another few hundred years you might have matured into someone bearable, but right now you could probably benefit from a sound whipping."
"Yes, Master. I like you, too," I told him, heading for the door. With my wolf's hearing I could hear Nessie trailing down a corridor somewhere, ordering, "Slow down, right now! I'm talking to you," and I heard Nahuel's voice simply saying, "No." Music to my ears, that big little word, those two letters, that inflection of finality and no-ness. Did I just say no-ness? I should have been saying it for the last seven years!
Outside there were tourists milling round in silly clothes looking at the architecture and Italians milling round in elegant clothes looking at the tourists. I wasn't sure how long I'd have, but I probably had to choose pretty quickly.
There was a biggish, tallish girl standing on her own, squinting at a map, and turning it upside down to read it. Messie would never look at a map, she would demand Edward buy her a handheld gps so she wouldn't have to bother with anything so taxing as having to actually use her brain.
"Hey, excuse me, are you lost? Maybe I can help," I said in a friendly voice, and the girl looked at me. Blue eyes. Perfect. Honey-blonde hair. Bingo.
"Yeah, maybe. There's this famous church I'm looking for. I had it here a minute ago. Damn! Where's north? According to this map I'm standing in a lake. Somebody pinched my backpack, and somebody pinched my bum and I don't know which is worse," she said.
Her accent was completely bizarre. I realized she was Australian.
"We're right near a church now, actually. I was just about to check it out. Do you want to come with me? I promise no pinching, scout's honor," I said and she grinned.
"What about a commentary? I do like a nice commentary," she said. Lovely voice. Score. Sense of humor. Jackpot.
"As long as you're not too insistent on historical accuracy I can do great commentary," I offered, and she took my hand. She actually took my hand. Hers was warm, kissed by the Italian sun. She appeared trusting, open and tactile. Oh God. I'd get to know her in the church, and then whisk her down to the Central Blood Withdrawal Agency for a quick conversion.
"Do you like dogs?" I asked, which was kind of important.
"Love 'em. Some of my best friends are dogs. Why? Are there dogs in the chapel?" she asked.
We walked around the nearest holy building for half an hour and I made up all sorts of nonsense, and she made up nonsense right back at me. A couple of times I pretended I was still looking at something of interest, and I let her get ahead of me. I was looking at something of interest all right - her ass. It was big and round and curvy.
"Are you traveling with anyone?" I asked, since I intended to whisk her away forever.
"Nope. I'm Miss Independent, foot-free and fancy-loose. How about you?" she asked. "Oh, I haven't even introduced myself. I'm Kylie."
What a beautiful name. And she had a gorgeous ass! She couldn't have been more ideal. I know it was a snap decision, but my mind was made up.
"I'm Jacob. I'm on holiday with my ex-girlfriend. I know that's kind of weird, but we're visiting mutual friends. We arranged it through her family."
"Yes, that's weird," she shrugged. "But good for you." She hesitated, scuffing her feet, which I was pleased to see were in ordinary trainers. "I'm getting kinda hungry right now, and you seem to know all sorts of history and important things - do your commentary skills extend to food reviews and chatting through lunch?"
"They certainly could," I said, beaming like a Cheshire cat. "I can say all sorts of appreciative and poetic things about food. Look, I'd better just check in with my, er, friend."
I got my phone out and dialed Renesmee. "Don't bother me now, I'm talking to Nahuel," she snapped instantly.
"Can I speak to him?" I asked. I could imagine her rolling her eyes.
"Yes?" his voice came on.
"Nahuel, it's Jacob. Did Arrow tell you why Nessie and I are here? Do you know what's going on?"
"He said you wish to undo your imprint."
"Jesus, can Messie hear you? A simple yes would have been sufficient answer!" I yelped.
"No, she's gone to look at her reflection in a window," was the reply.
It seemed Arrow hadn't quite told Nahuel the other part of what was going on, the part about Nessie needing to find another victim, I mean admirer.
"Well, can you tell Arrow I'll be back in a couple of hours and I'm bringing someone I'd like him to meet?" I asked.
At Nahuel's agreement I hung up, and proceeded to take Kylie to lunch. She tore into the food with relish and appreciation, and she was so funny I nearly snorted tortellini out of my ears. She was engaging, sincere, lively and unguarded, and couldn't have been more different from Messie if she tried.
"Hey look, if you'd like to see another old relic, I have a friend here I could introduce you to. He's sort of a custodian for one of the Palazzi and I'm sure he'd be happy to give you a tour," I offered, growing ever more certain of my decision.
"Sounds great. Let's go," she said, happily lacing her fingers through mine as we left the restaurant. She was guileless and candid and I suddenly got cold feet. I felt evil about my intentions. I was planning to bind her to me without giving her any choice.
"Um, actually, Kylie, let's not see that friend of mine. He's not really a friend, more of an acquaintance really, and he's a bit creepy and you won't like him and I've had a nice time with you, I really have, but now I need to go and so should you. Thanks for the fun afternoon, and goodbye," I started to babble, pulling away from her.
"Oh Jake, you don't really want to say goodbye yet, do you?" she said, tightening her grip and boy, her hand was really strong.
"Do you like dogs?" she asked.
By now, we were right outside the House Of Lovebite, and Kylie looked up at it and gasped suddenly.
"You can't go in there!" she said sharply. "You don't know what that place is!"
"Well, it's where my friend is, and I need to see him this afternoon," I replied.
She tried to pull me away, but two of the guards at the gates of hell had slithered silently through the great doors, and they drew me in with grips like death. Kylie refused to let go of my hand and came too, saying urgently, "No Jacob, stay back, you don't know what goes on here, or what these creatures are, they're not human, believe me. If we get out alive I'll explain later. Stay behind me, I'll protect you."
I didn't really have much time to ponder on this, because the next second, Kylie fursploded and turned into the most beautiful, golden, tawny-eyed, snarling, vicious animal I have ever seen. She was magnificent. She was - a were-dingo?
Holy crap. More vamps materialized, and Kylie growled, obviously knowing what they were and trying to ward them off, but we were on their property and completely outnumbered and they seemed to laugh at her. I was pretty sure I wouldn't be harmed since I was more or less under Arrow's protection, but I had no such confidence about her, so I phased, to make her feel less on her own. She and I didn't have the mind-connection I shared with my pack but I could feel astonishment radiating off her. I was pretty astonished myself. How come I hadn't been able to scent her? And she obviously hadn't been able to scent me either. Was it because she was a different species? Was it because she was Australian?
I decided now would be a good time to find Arrow since more of the blood suckers were descending on us, and if Kylie started a fight we'd be in trouble. I nudged her gently and indicating by pointing my muzzle that I was about to run down the hall. She came too, and I let her get ahead so that I could keep the bastards off her tail, but really I wanted to check her out some more. She was fucking splendid. What a nice fucking tail.
We burst into Arrow's special chamber with a flurry of creatures of the night at our heels and he looked pained to see us.
"Back so soon?" he said faintly.
I don't speak human when I'm in wolf-shape so I had to morph back to speak to him. When I morph back to being a human I'm naked, but I couldn't really worry about that right now. I stood in front of him and he raised his eyebrows and said, "Indeed," and Kylie morphed too, and I looked at her and raised my eyebrows and said, "Sheesh," and she said "Exactly what is going on here?" in that adorable accent. I didn't know what I liked best about her. The way she talked or the way she walked - oh and her tits were spectacular. I couldn't keep standing there naked or there was going to be some embarrassment.
"You've found one of your own kind," Arrow shuddered, looking like he'd just stepped on a snail barefoot. He gestured to somebody somewhere and Kylie and I were handed robes.
"Yes, and I'm just as surprised as you are, Cupid," I answered, slipping the fabric around myself.
"You're talking to this leech?" Kylie said to me with incredulity, putting her robe on. I was sorry she was covering up, but then I couldn't have a roomful of filthy bloodsuckers looking at her.
"Well, I was in a sticky situation that I needed to get out of, and he's helping me. Look, I know this is pretty sudden, but how do you feel about me?" I asked her and she shrugged.
"You're okay, I guess," she said. "Why?"
"Where you come from, do you have imprinting?"
"You mean in the publishing sense?" She didn't know what I was talking about.
"No, it's like love at first sight, only quicker and stronger," I explained.
"No, and whatever the hell that has to do with us being in this stinking crypt I hate to think, but why don't I take myself off away from here now, and you and your ghoulfriend - oh my God - is that why you're talking about love? You're in love with this - this - piece of bleeuucchh?"
God, she was funny. Arrow clearly didn't think so, but I did.
"No, fuck NO!" I yelled. "You don't get a choice with imprinting, and I imprinted on someone I don't even like, and Arrow here can erase it for me. I just have to find someone to replace her. I wondered if you might like to be the one. I'll kind of have to hang around you forever, but I'll try not to get in the way," I said.
"Crikey," she said.
And then a question occured to me. "What are you doing here in Volterra anyway? You know this is Vamp HQ - shouldn't you be a million miles away?"
"I would, ordinarily, but I'm on an assignment. The organisation I work for received word that a mutant half-vamp was travelling to Italy and they sent me to keep an eye on him. He's sworn not to feed on humans, but my job is to stay close and make sure he doesn't fall off the wagon."
She must be talking about Nahuel. There weren't many half-breeds around, as vampires are so bloodthirsty that it's beyond all of them except Edward, man of stone, to have sex with a woman without killing her. Well, Edward, and whoever Nahuel's father had been.
"Actually, where is Nahuel? And where's Messie?" I asked Arrow and he waved a languid hand around in the air, bored. You'd think this exchange would have been the most exciting thing to happened in his life for centuries.
"The two composites went up into the hills to look for goats to eat. I don't care how long they stay away. The boy is vain and shallow and he sets my teeth on edge. I have endured his empty prattle for long enough. The girl - well, you know... Make sure to take her with you when you leave, and you'd better take him too. He annoys me," he sniffed.
"Wait a minute - you mean they're getting on together? They've got a lot in common?" I asked eagerly.
"They are equally as tiresome, yes," Arrow nodded. "And like attracts like, as you've found."
I turned to Kylie. "Look, if you'll just go along with this, it'll be a positive outcome for everyone. Well, okay not so much for you, but maybe Arrow could get you to imprint on me as well? Then we'd both be really happy. How about it?"
"You're crazy, buster," she said, eyes narrowing. "But hey, crazy works for me. You're handsome. You seem all right. And if it's all mutual - well, that seems fair, doesn't it?"
I turned back to Arrow. "Do we need the other two to be here?"
"Thankfully, no. Just you, although that's bad enough. It's a shame this couldn't be performed long distance. Are you ready?"
"Ah, what's involved?"
"Bloodletting, lacerations and some esoteric incantations. And you will be gagged."
"Really? I have to be gagged?" I asked.
"No, you don't have to. I'd just prefer it," Arrow said. "I wouldn't want to have to listen to your probable and inane interruptions." The old deviant.
I submitted to the gagging, and there wasn't any lacerating, he'd just been trying to impress me. He said a whole lot of nonsensical words that sounded like they he was reciting something backwards, and shortly before I fell asleep from the boredom of listening to his dry, monotonous voice, he stopped.
And that was it. I felt completely different. Free at last! I looked about me with new eyes and it had been seven years since I'd had clear vision, since I'd been able to see without the veil of Nessie, without the chains of Nessie, without the choke collar of Nessie. I felt lighter than air and wanted to frolic like a spring lamb.
My freedom lasted all of three seconds. When I looked around the room, the first thing I saw was Kylie, and the ground disappeared out from under me. It was completely different from last time. Last time I'd imprinted on a baby, it had been all one way, and she hadn't been a creature able to comprehend, and she hadn't been a creature able yet to love. This time there was a completion, a joy, an utter knowing that something beyond profound was linking me to this woman and the ties were stronger than steel or reinforced concrete or titanium, and this time I wasn't taken by surprise. I was willing and ready. I wanted to worship and love and own and be owned. I'd wanted that for years with Bella, but it was never going to be, and I'd waited for Messie, only to have her grow into someone I simply didn't like, and who didn't really like me.
Who the hell Kylie was I didn't even know, and she didn't know who the hell I was either, but she was looking at me like a woman possessed, and it felt right. So inarguably right. I wondered how Arrow would like it if she and I leapt on each other and made love on the floor. And one of the chairs. And against the wall. And...
"You may go, in fact, please do," he said and I couldn't even turn my head to acknowledge him, I was so engrossed in the vision of wonder and bliss and necessity in front of me. Her eyes were the most beautiful color and shape imaginable. Her hair looked like silk and I wanted to feel it fall over my chest and shoulders as she moved above me, my hands guiding her hips, my mouth locked to hers...
"What's going on and who's this?" a reedy, thin voice said, and I knew I had to do the right thing and let Messie, who had obviously just walked in on the first day of the rest of my life, know about her displacement.
"Ah, Ness, this is Kylie, and I've just imprinted on her," I explained.
"Who?" Messie asked disdainfully. "What?" She had one hand on her hips in an exaggerated models' pose I knew she had copied from a magazine, and her lip was curling.
"That's impossible, you're mine," she sniffed, and Kylie growled.
"No he isn't. Go bite your bum, you bitch," she said, and Messie's eyes grew round with amazement as she gasped. Kylie took a step towards her.
Nahuel stepped in front of Messie, frowning. I stepped in front of Kylie, frowning. Messie shoved Nahuel aside, and Kylie shoved me aside, leaving the two girls facing each other angrily. Catfight? Awesome!
Actually, I couldn't possibly allow a fight between Messie and Kylie, when I had no idea yet about how strong Kylie was. A hybrid human-vamp might be a match for her.
"Let's just be mature about this, shall we?" I said, and for probably the first time ever in his life, Arrow laughed.
"You mock yourself and your friends, mongrel," he said. I ignored him.
"Look, Nessie, the whole you and me thing wasn't really happening for either of us, was it? It'll be much better this way. I'm sure you'll find someone who genuinely loves you..." here I had to stop for a second, because I was lying, "and you'll be happy, and - "
"This disgusting animal is no longer bound to you?" Nahuel interrupted, rudely.
"Geez, I guess not. What a relief," Messie answered, and they smiled at one another. It was like no-one else was even in the room. Messie actually looked quite nice with a genuine smile on her face. I hadn't seen one there since she was about two and a half.
"Jacob, are we finished here? Where's your hotel? Shall we go?" a soft, clear, husky voice I could have just basked in said to me, and Kylie took my hand.
"I don't think we've finished anything. I think we've just started," I said to her, and with a wink to Arrow, we left. Messie and Nahuel were still smiling and I winked to her, too. I felt like she was my kid sister. I wondered if I should pull Nahuel aside, hombre a hombre, and give him any advice, but he was doing fine so far. He just needed to continue saying no to her, and that would keep little Messie on her toes.
At the door, I turned and waved to Arrow.
"Thanks for everything, Cupid," I called, and he put his hands up to his face.
"Never darken my door again," he shuddered.
"Aw, go on. I was hoping to come back for our anniversary!" I yelled. "We'll name our first puppy after you!"
The last glimpse I had of him showed him wincing.
Then Kylie and I stepped out into the late afternoon Italian sun, dressed a little incongruously perhaps, but we wouldn't be for long, once we got back to the hotel. Nossir.
"I'm glad you like dogs," I said, slipping a hand down the curve of her spine so I could fondle her glorious ass.
"I'm glad you do, too," she grinned back at me.
Oh yeah.
.
.
.
The fabulous Cleolinda made up the 'fursploding' expression.