Trapped: A Place Without People.
Chapter 1
I was trapped. In a place without people. By a professional. From the outside. The day before tomorrow.
It was cold. Bitingly cold. Like a wolf was biting me and its teeth were cold. I opened my eyes and I saw that a wolf was biting me. I kicked it off. I bludgeoned it to death with my club, then I ate it. Then it was warm. Swelteringly warm. Like the sun was burning me. I opened my eyes and I saw the sun was burning me. I kicked it off. I bludgeoned it to death with my club. Then I ate it. Then it was normal. Normally normal. Like it was normal. I opened my eyes and it was normal. I kicked it off. I bludgeoned it to death with my club. Then I ate it.
Chapter 2
A cage. It was a cage suspended in the air. Off a mountain. In the Southern Alps. Two thousand feet above a glacier. The temperature was minus twenty degrees Celsius but the wind chill brought it down to minus seventy. And I was in it. It was so cold, my feet had actually stuck to the metal grill I was standing on. Icy tendrils hung around me like icicles. Every time I moved my muscle they would snap and fall the whole two thousand feet to the glacier below, before shattering into such a menagerie of strange and wonderful creatures you ever seen: a cockatrice, a Yuan-ti, an intellect devourer and a tree-dryad. All of equal race, age and size. I lost sight of them about a hundred feet down, but it was difficult to tell as the blizzard threw snow in my face and rocked the cage like a cat trying to get at a bird. I have incredibly good constitution, but it was being sapped like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown. This time I'm comin' round. And I hope you're thinking of me, 'cos you lay down on your side, Now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse, but I know I'll see your face again Now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse, but I know I'll see your face again. But I know I'm on a loosing streak, 'cos I've passed down my old street. And if you wanna show, then just let me know, and I'll sing in your ear again. Now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse, but I know I'll see your face again, 'cos baby ooooooooh, if heaven calls, I'm commin too, just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead. All this talk of getting old, it's getting my down my love, like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown. This time I'm coming round. Now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse, but I know I'll see your face again. Cos baby ooooooooh, if heaven calls, I'm coming too, just like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead, but if you wanna show, then just let me know and I'll sing in your ear again. Now the drugs don't work, they just make you worse, but I know I'll see your face again. Yeah I know I'll see your face again. Yeah I know I'll see your face again. Yeah I know I'll see your face again. Yeah I know I'll see your face again…….
Chapter 3
Then it was abnormal. Strangely abnormal. Like it was strange. I opened my eyes and it was strange. I kicked it off. I bludgeoned it to death with my club. Then I ate it. Then, suddenly realising that eating abnormality was against my religious beliefs, I hastily regurgitated it.
Chapter 4
Then they came at me (not THAT way you sick freak). It was as if they had appeared from ninety meters away in a south-westerly direction. Clawing at my eyes with their…claws. All covered in barnacles and seaweed growths. Even if they so much as scratched my skins with those razor-blades, I would catch a virulent infection which would make my ears swell up and explode from the atmospheric pressure. I managed to pick one off with my crossbow – driving the poison bolt home with my ultra-vision – but it was too late. They had caught me unawares…
Chapter 5
Da da da dum! Da da da dum! Da da da – da da da – da da da dum! Da da da dummmmmmmmmmmm-b!
Chapter 6
As I lay crumpled at the foot of the hill giant – the great stinking foot of oblivion – a strange thing happened. It got bright. So bright…I was rising up, off the face of the cliff, rising and rising, higher and higher. Into darkness. Then I realised I wasn't rising, I was falling. F-f-f-falling, down into this world. You know when you see a helicopters propeller getting faster and faster and faster, and at one point it just seems to stop and then slowly start going backwards? It was like that.
Chapter 7
And then the Narwhal had me! Over for breakfast that is. It fed me warm crumpets with melted butter, which actually tasted of crumpets with margarine. You can taste the difference between the two (except with 'Utterly Butterly') because butter is made from milk, whereas margarine is made from hydrogenated vegetable fats, and can actually be worse for you than butter, because they just shove a load of preservatives into margarine, and not usually into butter.
GO SCOTLAND!