Title: Blurry 1/?
Author: Amanda
Summary: A few weeks after Grave in Sunnydale.
Rating: PG, for now
Disclaimers: Nothing belongs to me I only wish they did, because then I wouldn't be
dragging myself to school everyday and facing repaying lots of loans back.
Feedback: I won't refuse it.
A/N: Many thanks to Mezz for her awesome work in making this better!

**************

It was strange sitting out here all by herself. He had always seemed to have a sixth sense
about when she would sit alone on the back porch. It wouldn't be long after she sat down
that he would show up. Did he read the stars? Could he see the future? How did he
always know when she needed him?

There were so many important times in her life that he had sat beside her, merely in
silence. Offering whatever she needed, silence or a shoulder to cry on. But whatever that
connection had been it now seemed to be gone. Broken, torn apart. And she didn't know
whose fault it was. She wanted to think it was both of theirs, equally his and hers, but
deep down she was afraid that she would have to take full responsibility, or at least a
huge majority. And responsibility was a scary thing, especially when she had more than
enough of it on her shoulders right now.

Sensing a presence, she let her thoughts go. They could mosey about by themselves for a
while. Maybe they could figure it out themselves and then get back with her. "You can
come out and sit down, you don't have to be lurky girl."

Settling down beside Buffy, Dawn searched the night, for something that had Buffy's
attention. No monsters to look at, no one to talk to. With a loud sigh, she came to the
conclusion that once more Buffy was thinking. In the last few weeks, she had seemed to
do that a lot. When Dawn had asked her what she was thinking about, she had merely
replied, 'Life,' and left it at that.

"Are you thinking again? I don't want to bother you."

"You're not a bother. We can both sit out here."

"You already spent all day with me, I don't want to infringe on Buffy alone time."

"Today's about us spending the day together, right? And it's still today for a few more
hours."

It had been a good day, if not a little stilted. Things still weren't back to normal, but then
what was normal? If normal was two sisters spending the day at the beach together,
working on their tan, then they were pretty normal. But when you added in a nightly
patrol and an overseas phone call of strife and tears, she was afraid they crossed the line
into not-normal again.

"Xander didn't mean to upset you. You know how he is."

"You don't have to make excuses for him Dawn. I thought we had agreed to quit with
the lies and excuses. We're supposed to be honest. And Xander knew exactly what he
was doing."

"You had plenty of time before to ask him why he told me. Why now?"

"I wasn't ready before."

"And what made you ready now? And what really happened? And why did Xander
upset you so much?" She could feel her voice starting to rise and her words starting to
come out faster. But she couldn't help it. She wanted to know. Actually, she needed to
know more than anything. Then she would have an idea where she stood. Would it be
solely with Buffy? Or somewhere in the middle of the two of them? And Buffy had
promised. "When are you gonna tell me?"

Buffy turned to look into her sister's eyes. Questions along with concern, abounded in
them. Dawn had allowed her to put it off, but made her promise to tell everything. She
still didn't know if she was ready to talk about it. How could she tell her younger sister
exactly what had happened, when she still wasn't sure herself?

"Dawnie, sometimes I wish that I could put you in tower and keep you from all the uglies
in the world. But I realize now that I can't. I'm not ready to go into specifics. And I
didn't do that with Xander. I just yelled at him for barging into my personal life again,
especially when he really didn't know anything that happened."

"Did Spike try and rape you?"

Taking a deep breath, she slowly let it out, trying to figure out exactly what to say.
"Sometimes relationships are messy, they aren't always hearts and flowers. That's what
Spike and I had. It wasn't always nice. But it was real. When someone else's
relationship doesn't fit the box that you think relationships should, you can get the wrong
idea. What Spike and I had wasn't like anything Xander's ever had. Since he can't
nicely categorize it, in his mind it becomes something twisted. It becomes rape."

It made some sort of sense to her, Dawn though. She could accept that. However,
questions still needed to be answered. "Buffy, did Spike try to force you? I mean, if he
did, you'd tell me right? You're stronger than him, so nothing could happen and I love
Spike, but you're my sister, and…"

"I've learned that things aren't always black and white. And I've had to think a lot about
what happened and try and fit it into the new gray areas of my life. Nothing happened, so
it wasn't rape. But did Spike try to force me? You could say yes." Seeing the alarming
look grow in Dawn's eyes, she continued on, "And I don't want you to think in any way
that is condoned, because it's not.

"In any normal relationship, it should not happen. But ours was never a normal
relationship. A lot of things led up to that night, things that I am responsible for. And
Spike is responsible for his own actions and that is something he will have to live with.
He felt remorse. What vampire do you know that feels bad about something and wants to
apologize? And I can't blame him fully for what he did, after the mixed signals I gave
him and the things I did to him. But it was wrong. Wrong was done on both our parts. It
doesn't involve anyone else, either you or Xander. So neither one of you should concern
yourself about it anymore. Whatever happens from here on out, whether Spike returns or
not, is between us."

"So you don't hate him? You don't want to stake him?"

"If I'd wanted Spike dead, I'd have staked him myself, or let Xander do it when he
wanted to. But I couldn't then. I couldn't now either. You can't understand fully what
happened between us, without being there. And you know what, I don't think either one
of us really knows exactly what happened either. I do know this though, I don't hate
Spike. And I don't want you to hate Spike either."

"But he hurt you Buffy." Dawn wanted Spike to come home, she did. But this
overwhelming urge to protect Buffy loomed larger inside her. More than anything she
didn't want anything to happen to their newly formed sister bond that had recently sprung
up. And if her liking and wanting to be friends with Spike pulled at that bond, she was
willing to give it up.

Buffy could hear that question in Dawn's statement. 'Can I still be friends with Spike?'
Buffy wished she could still be friends with Spike, wished it could be simple again. But
now things were complicated. Ties between them had been ripped apart, shredded, and
who knew if any tiny piece could ever be mended. Or if he even wanted it. But for
Dawn, life still had some simplicity, and one of those simple things was being friends
with a vampire, that would protect her forever. "And I hurt him too. Spike's done a lot
of good things for you Dawn."

"This thinking thing really seems to be doing you some good. And I'm glad. I've been
doing some thinking of my own." Staring into a bright star high above, she wondered if
now was the time to bring it up? But they had agreed that there would be no more secrets
between them. "I spoke with Giles after you came out here."

"How is everything?"

"He says it is going better than expected. He thinks they'll be able to come home in a
few weeks."

"That's good. I know Xander hates it over there. Why I don't know, as I would have
loved to take a vacation. And Anya will be happy that Giles will be back to handle some
of the rebuilding."

"We have to talk about Willow. I don't want her to live here. At least not at first."
Words rushed out, tripping over themselves, trying to come out, after being bottled up
inside. "I'm scared of her Buffy. She almost killed me back in November and she tried
again just a few weeks ago. What if she isn't really better? What if the magic isn't
purged from her, like Giles said it will be? What if she's still evil? What if she wants to
turn me back into the key? What if she tries to kill you again? I know I'm just the kid
sister and she's your best friend, but Buffy please."

Hands reached out to stroke her hair, to quiet her down and try to erase some of the
anxiety from her body. Buffy couldn't say that she was surprised by Dawn's feelings.
She had to admit that she felt that way most of the time too. Here was the one thing she
had been gifted with and she was afraid to place her in any danger. And Willow had
proved a danger to Dawn numerous times. "I know how you feel Dawn. And I'm
thinking about it. Giles and Xander aren't bringing her back in the next few days, so we
still have time. We'll work something out, where everyone is happy. I promise."

"Thanks."

"Anything good on television tonight? You only have a few more days before summer
school starts and lots of homework."

"Is that your subtle way of saying you'd like a little more alone time?"

"Yeah. I'll be in soon, just give me a few more minutes."

Things were becoming clearer to her. But she wondered why it took all this time to feel
this way. If only she could have come out of her funk six months ago. Maybe then, she
would have been able to prevent all the bad things that had happened. But she had been
dealt her cards and now she had to live with them. And at least she was still living. Tara
was mourned on a daily basis. The one person that she knew wouldn't judge her, would
just listen and give her support was gone. Okay she acknowledged, not the only one, but
the other seemed to be missing at the moment. But it looked like Dawn was beginning to
fill that void.

Things were changing so fast. But then maybe it had happened slowly and she had been
blind to everything and hadn't noticed. She faintly remembered an argument between
Giles and Willow last fall over her use of magic. Actually she was out here, when she
had heard them. It had been brewing for a while, but when Tara wasn't around to keep
her in check, Willow had come out in full force. There were still too many feelings there
for her to figure out what was going on with Willow. Like she had told Dawn, they still
had time to figure it out.

And Xander. Had he always been so hateful, so possessive, so righteous? Or where had
that come from? She couldn't imagine Anya putting up with that, but maybe she had.
Her feelings for Anya were still muddled up in that one glance at the computer screen.
She understood, she really did. But sometimes even when you understand and accept it,
your feelings still don't. And she was working on that, just like she was working on her
feelings of Giles leaving and returning and leaving again. Could she lean on him again as
a father figure? Or was he only a trusted friend now?

Right now it seemed the only clear cut relationship she had was with Dawn. They were
sisters. Sisters who had promised to stick together from here on out and to be honest with
each other. They each knew that they had someone to rely on, someone to back them up.
It had been so easy with Dawn. She wished it would be that easy with everyone else.
But it seemed that life wasn't easy and it wasn't fair either.

Somewhere in the cosmic board game of life, she had been dealt all the responsibility of
the world and one teenager. No, life wasn't fair. But she would handle it, claw her way
out of whatever problems she faced and move on. And one day she might even be able to
sit out here and feel like it was normal night, like everything was right in the world.

But for now, it seemed a little bit of normal had walked back into her life. Maybe the
stars had aligned themselves perfectly. Or maybe the dice just rolled doubles in her
board game. Whatever it was, she wasn't going to question it. She was just going to try
and treat it right. And maybe, just maybe, more good things would come her way.
Looking up, she addressed the presence hidden in the trees.

"Hello Spike."