Disclaimer: I do not own the Mass Effect universe; I am merely borrowing it for the purposes of this tale.

I felt there were so many other things I wanted my Shepard to say during this scene with Kaidan at Apollo's Café. So instead of yelling at the television screen and freaking out my roommate, lol, I figured I'd write my scenario here! Any and all reviews are greatly appreciated! – Fallon.

Sanity in the Storm

Part I

"Be thou the rainbow in the storm of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away, and tints tomorrow with prophetic ray." – Lord Byron, in Bride of Abydos (1814) Canto II, St. 20

Shepard spotted him across the café, sitting at a secluded table with his back to her. She couldn't help but smile.

In so many ways he was still the same man she grew to know and love while fighting Saren. He still tended to ramble when he was nervous, still smirked when she got frustrated and rolled his eyes when she would throw the offending, semi-repaired rifle flying across the room; even if it meant having to dodge it. His warm eyes still melted her barriers, making her feel more like a woman and less like the damned omnipotent hero the media made her out to be.

Sometimes when she was lying in bed at night trying not to sleep for fear of the nightmares it would surely bring, she would think of that night before Ilos. The safety she felt with his arms around her, his lips on hers. Even the tingle that ran down her spine when he kissed her neck would return, even though it had been a very long time since she had felt his lips on any part of her.

Some things about him had changed. Flecks of grey had started to appear in his hair and his eyes, still so warm, also looked tired. She had noticed the tension in his shoulders when she was around and feared that either his distrust of her remained or he no longer loved her. It had been different before Ilos, when being together seemed so natural and comfortable for them both.

She was suddenly afraid to join him. Being afraid was something she thought she had conquered a long time ago. She wasn't afraid when she chased Saren on Ilos, or confronted him on the Citadel. She wasn't afraid when she'd faced a thresher maw or took on the Collectors in a mission most though was suicidal.

When it came down to it and the adrenaline wore off…Shepard wasn't too sure what to do.

It wasn't talking to him that scared her, it was the possibility that he'd tell her they were done. She'd told herself before that there was a chance he'd found someone else or gotten over her; she had been dead for two years after all.

And after Horizon…

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she took a step forward.

Kaidan caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of his eye and immediately the weight on his shoulders lifted.

He had tried to prepare himself for what he'd do if she didn't accept his invitation. After what happened on Horizon and Mars he couldn't think less of her for it. Even with their talk in the hospital he still felt unsure about where they stood, about how she felt about him. He could tell she had been holding back something then; as she had been avoiding his gaze and shifting in her seat for most of it. When she had given him the whiskey she had done so shakily, something even he had never seen her do before.

Shepard smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear as she sat down in the seat next to him. He was surprised to see her with her hair down, the only other time he had was before Ilos. It went just past her shoulders in gentle waves of raven black, made all the more intense by the paleness of her porcelain skin. She was wearing dark denim jeans that hugged her legs nicely and a snug, high-neck grey t-shirt that had the "N7" logo stitched over the breast. Coupled with the pistol she had strapped to her hip it was a dangerous and sexy look.

Dear God, she's perfect…

She still looked like she did back on the SR-1, the upgrades Cerberus made on her capturing her as she was back then; almost like she was a living picture.

There were times when he had to remind himself she was alive though. He dreamt of her death every night, the images so vivid it was like he was there again every time. The guilt and pain had locked him in a deep, numbing depression that lasted until he first heard the rumours that she might have been alive. When he saw her on Horizon…it was alike he could breathe again, Cerberus be damned.

"Shepard, hey, glad you could make it!"

"Had to," she laughed, "I was going to lose if I saw another datapad coming my way. EDI would consider me a risk to the crew…not everyone is as agile as you, Kaidan."

Kaidan had thought he had bad luck back then, always being present when Shepard was angry and there was something near her that wasn't bolted down. One particular time came to mind, of when she had sent a pistol flying across the mess. The handle had hit him in the forehead and the sheer shock of the moment put him flat on his ass. She had come running over and knelt next to him and the way she looked at him…her striking emerald eyes deep pools of worry…

He knew then that he loved her.

He ran his fingers though his hair; momentarily breaking away from her gaze for fear he'd see him blush. "Yeah, well I had lots of practice."

She just smiled and looked at the menu.

"What are you having?"

"You trying to butter me up?" Kaidan asked with a smirk, "Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?"

Still looking at the menu, Shepard's brow furrowed. "I think anyone who isn't crazy about Batarian Shard wine is shit out of luck."

Kaidan shook his head and tried to bite back laughter, "You've still got such a way with words, Elin."

She playfully smacked his shoulder, "Ass."

They were interrupted by the waitress. Shepard just watched Kaidan as he told the woman their order, content to just listen to him. His voice always calmed her down, helped her reel in her thoughts when she had a million things on her mind.

The waitress left and Kaidan turned back to her only to see her gaze already set on him.

"How are you feeling these days, Kaidan?"

"I'm feeling up for whatever the Reapers through at me, don't you worry." He leaded forward in his seat, closer to her, "And I'm thankful I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax."

She hated to be the one to push the subject about Reapers, but she needed to know she wasn't the only one who had faith they'd pull through in the end.

"You feel good about our chances then?"

"Yeah…helps me sleep better at night."

Shepard heard the forlorn tone in his voice and glanced up at him. "You're not sleeping well, Kaidan?"

Kaidan leaned back a bit and scratched his chin nervously before looking at her. He'd tried to rehearse what he was going to say before leaving the Normandy, but now that the moment was upon him his memory failed.

"Maybe a little restless…" Kaidan sighed, "The war isn't the only thing keeping me up at night, Elin."

Shepard's heart caught in her chest, "Oh?"

"I…I wonder about…us."

"Kaidan…"

He saw her pulling away and turned his body to face her, gently holding her hand in his, "I love you Elin, I always have."

She licked her lips, biting them together lightly to keep the tears at bay. "When I woke up on that Cerberus station, it was chaos. But through that all I thought of you…"

He squeezed her hand and waited patiently. She'd undoubtedly have some things to tell him that he didn't want to hear, but if they were ever going to have a chance they had to be said. No more secrets, no more lies, no more holding back.

"I asked Anderson about you, but he brushed me off. Then I saw you on Horizon…and my heart stopped. I tried…god, I tried to explain!"

"It's not your fault, Elin." Kaidan spoke softly, "I wasn't listening to you. I made my mind up when…when I saw your uniform."

She blinked away tears, "Kaidan if there was a way I swear on my parent's graves I'd have contacted you. But after Horizon I thought you hated me…"

"I've never hated you." Kaidan said adamantly.

"The look on your face though…"

That memory resurfaced and she cringed. She'd never seen him look at anyone that way.

"I know," he gave a light, half-hearted chuckle, "hell how do you think I feel having not been with you when you took on the Collectors?"

Shepard smiled a bit, "Probably like shit."

"Yeah," he bowed his head slightly, avoiding her eyes, "but when you were dead Shepard…god, it killed me. I was a wreck, took me almost a year to pull myself together but even then it was only thanks to Anderson I had something to focus on, my students. Even then they'd sometimes ask me about you, and it was like…like I couldn't escape your ghost."

Shepard mirrored the reassuring squeeze of the hand he had given her, slowly rubbing her thumb along the back of his hand while he collected himself and gathered his thoughts.

"And when those reports came in claiming you were alive…"

"It ripped open an old wound," Shepard offered in a whisper, "one that was still festering."

He looked up at her, surprised she had found the exact words he was looking for.

She gave a small smile, "How do you think I felt seeing you right before meeting with the defense committee? Seeing you brought back a lot of memories…"

Kaidan nodded, his coy smirk growing as he looked at her. "Some of them good I hope?"

"Many." Shepard admitted with a laugh, "I missed you so much, Kaidan. Being locked up on earth, knowing you were somewhere close by but being unable to see you…"

"There were a few opportunities…chances for me to see you," he sighed heavily as the confession rolled off his tongue, "but I…"

"I know." Shepard said truthfully, "I wish…hell; I wish this would all just go away. Everything that isn't you and me, it can all go fuck off."

Kaidan laughed and felt all the lighter for it.

She smiled; the sight of him so happy the only good thing she had seen in a while.

"I suppose Cerberus really didn't change you," he slowly brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear, "you're still the same woman who used to make me blush on the SR-1, when you'd corner me in the mess hall."

Shepard's eyebrow quirked upward, "So you admit it then?"

He leaned in close enough to whisper so only she could hear him. "How could I not when the most stunning woman I'd ever laid eyes on was looking at me with those sad, doe-eyes."

Elin felt her cheeks flush, "Flatterer."

"Just calling it as I see it, ma'am." Kaidan teased, knowing how uncomfortable compliments made her and loving the sight of her squirming. "But seriously, Elin…I need to know where we stand. I love you and I want to make this real. I have so many regrets, I don't want letting you go to be one of them. That's what I want…what do you want?"

Elin smiled and looked at him with bright, loving eyes.

Horizon, Mars, their standoff over the Council – none of it mattered. When she looked at him she still felt her heart skip a beat and her pulse quicken. With his hand on hers she felt grounded and safe again for the first time since that night before Ilos.

Lord, I need this man.

"I dragged your ass off Virmire and again on Mars. I'd have let you shoot me during that standoff over Udina, Kaidan…"

His warm brown eyes became clouded with pain and sadness. "Elin –

"I love you," she said in one breath, "death didn't change that, nothing will."

"And that," A lone tear trailed down his cheek as he brought her hand up to his lips and kissed her knuckles, "makes me so happy. And there are…benefits to that happiness."

Shepard brushed her thumb against the stubble on his chin and winked, "We'd better get back to the Normandy then, we've got two years to make up for."

Kaidan saw the waitress approaching with their order and inwardly cursed the woman for her timing. When he looked back to Shepard though something reassured him that there was no need to rush; she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

For the first time in over two years he felt like he could sleep without nightmares.