Make me Feel Alive
This is my first Fan Fic, VERY passionate, emotional and racy, contains spoilers from Series 3.
I explore what would have happened if Mrs Hughes had lied to Mrs Patmore about her lump being benign and how in Mr Carson's utter frustration for the illness ignites a passion that neither of them can resist. MK
Disclaimer: These are Julian Fellow's Characters, I have not created them, just drawn inspiration from them.
Chapter 1
Mr Carson had noticed Elsie's subdued appearance of late. The dark circles around her eyes had deepened, her worry lines had become more pronounced, she moved slowly and with less vigour than usual. She was becoming a shadow of herself.
Yes she had Cancer and she was beginning to age, not directly because of the bastard disease, but because of the absolute terror it brought with it. It was causing her to worry, to fear. She was scared of what was to become of her, scared of the pain, scared of death. This anxiety, this lack of sleep was causing her gradual decline.
Her waking's in the middle of the night had not gone unnoticed. They had caused Charles Carson to stir, so much so that he wasn't sleeping himself. He found himself staying up in his pantry to the early hours of the morning, doing jobs that really didn't need doing; worrying about his secret beloved.
Mr Carson felt in his own way that he was being more productive being in there than tossing and turning in his bed – always the committed worker. His thoughts however forever on his Elsie; he knew something was seriously wrong with her, he could sense it, but he wanted her to tell him in her own time, to not feel pressured. It hurt him to think she may never say, there would never be the opportunity…
You see, Elsie had stopped coming to see him at night. They no longer enjoyed the delights of a glass of wine or cup of tea while conversing on the day's events. This sadden Charles deeply, it was the pinnacle moment of his day when he no longer had to be 'The Butler' and she no longer 'The Housekeeper', they could enjoy each other's company, laugh, divulge, truly be themselves.
It was in these precious moments that he would steel a glance at his deer Elsie and wish things were different, he would dream that they were man and wife, enjoying a conversation in the comfort of their front room, a small pleasure.
He missed those moments and he was certain she felt the same way. There must be something seriously wrong for her to be pushing him away like this, it made him want to hold her, to kiss her, to ask her what was wrong. The frustration that was building up concerning her silence was becoming too much to handle.
Elsie as always had her reasons; she had in fact stopped coming to see him out of pure divine love. She was worried that she might let slip what was wrong with her, that it was cancer, that she was dying. She did not want him to worry like her, the consumption of fear was too overwhelming to pass on to the man she loved.
Truthfully, she also most certainly did not want to feel mollycoddled or trapped like she had felt while waiting for the results. The only reason she didn't explode at him at the time was because she was more than aware that it was out of love and this warmed her heart deeply.
None the less, Elsie being her own woman wanted to remain alive and strong as The House Keeper of Downton Abbey for as long as possible. She would not let this disease overpower her, not just yet, not while she was still able - ever the stubborn woman.
Her motives being strong, she held a justified concern that once she stopped working she would be giving into that murderer, letting it win and in her eyes that would be the beginning of an end.
Chapter 2
Elsie often reminisced on how happy Charles had been when he found out the lump was 'benign' how he had sung to the rooftops about her steeling his heart away. It made her smile and confirmed the secret affections they shared for each other. She would often draw her strength from treasured moments like this.
She found it a bitter sweet situation, she hated the fact that she had lied to him but by God she was glad she had savoured a degree of normality back in her life. No one was babying her; she could carry on like nothing was the matter. If she believed she didn't have it, she could make it go away. She would be protecting herself and her Mr Carson.
Deep down though she knew she was lying to herself, hurting herself even more by dealing with it on her own, but she couldn't handle seeing him hurt, not again.
Neither of them had ever told one another how they felt in their heart, they just knew, no words had to be spoken - the language of true love.
It seems heart-breaking to the outsider that they never took it further, but they couldn't, no matter how much they both wanted to. It was totally inappropriate in their working environment. At least that's what they had been brought up to believe. They would not be setting a good example to the rest of the staff, those sorts of things do not happen and justifiably so. It should not occur between a Butler and a Housekeeper, especially in such a well to do vicinity like Downton Abbey. It was completely absurd and frowned upon. Mrs Hughes had thrown Ethel out for that very thing, giving into her deepest desires while under Downton's roof. Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes had sculpted it into their heads that letting feelings get the better of them would only make standards slip and that would never do.
This commitment and passion they both shared towards their work was part of their attraction to one another; the drive, their dominating strong character, nothing was more attractive to these individuals.
They respected one another whole heartedly for their restraint having a mutual appreciation and understanding for what they were going through. It was an absolute testament to their character and strength.
Sometimes if they truly admitted it however, they wished for the other just to slip up, just for once. But their thoughts would always override their innermost fantasies. They were all too aware that if they were to give in for a fraction of a moment, they would have zero restraint, never being able to stop themself. Their feelings would take complete control and override any rational thought. Then what would happen to Downton Abbey, the place they loved so much, what would happen to one another? They could never risk it. However much they wanted to and yearned for it.
They would have to settle for their longing looks and little slips in conversation, glimpses of their unspoken love.
Still they were only human and their burning desires had to be fulfilled in some way…
Chapter 3
Elsie may not have been a woman of the world but she did not live in a sack. She knew how to please herself; it was a small pleasure for the sacrifice she had made. 30 years of no touching, no kissing the man she loved and adored. But in the comfort and security of her own room, she would allow herself to explore, to imagine his touch, his body on top of hers. She would find herself getting lost in these moments, imagining her Mr Carson all the while helping her reach her pleasurable climax.
Elsie's affections were overwhelmingly strong, maybe more than Mr Carson he realised. Proven in the fact that she had a chance at love, at marriage, twice and she toyed with the idea naturally as any woman would.
She had a proposal from a farmer she courted as a teenager, a kind man known by the name of Joe Burns. He couldn't have been more suited to her; he was Scottish, had parallel Christian views and came from a similar background in Farming.
She would never deny that she was very fond of Mr Burns and believe me she liked him at the time. However like many men he had chased her all too late and had asked for her hand in marriage just after she came to Downton nearly 30 years ago. Naturally she declined. She had found her job more than fulfilling and in truth be known had found deeper affections for a different man. She was keen on Joe Burns, but not the way she liked Mr Carson.
Elsie Hughes had a strong belief in God and she always said she had a funny way of presenting things to people; she was adamant that she had moved to Downton Abbey for a reason.
If she was meant to be with Joe Burns he would have proposed to her long before she left and she would never have had the opportunity of falling in love with her job and another man. God had a purpose for her.
Mr Burns had married another woman over the years and they were deeply in love, more so than Elsie and he ever would have been, but she died 10 years previously and he found himself in need of a wife. He discovered that Elsie had never married and decided the expected thing to do would be chase her once more. This all happened 8 years ago. Elsie entertained the idea now. Nothing had progressed with her feeling towards Mr Carson, nor should it have, nothing ever would.
She felt that maybe Joe Burns was her last chance at degree of love.
She met with Mr Burns thinking she may be able to shack off her fascination with the Butler, knowing nothing would ever come of their affections she had to move on. Mr Carson knew this too and is why he had pushed her into going out; he wanted her to be happy to find another more suitable.
Yet as soon as she was in another man's company, she knew it wasn't right. Her heart would always be with Mr Carson and she couldn't do that to another man, she couldn't do it to herself and she certainly couldn't do it to Mr Carson.
Elsie declined once more. She was committed to her work and she had changed. Life has a way of doing that to people. This meeting had only intensified her affections to Mr Carson and had proved to her how much they had heightened over the years.
She could never tell her true feeling to Mr Carson on this scenario, why she turned him down, however she confidently and tactfully divulge the facts in one of their many chats. She hoped in her heart that he understood the real reason behind it all.
Of course he did and secretly, selfishly he was glad she had decided to stay.
She could not imagine leaving Downton, leaving the comfort of the place she called home. Leaving the one she truly adored.
She knew in the depths of her heart nothing would ever come of the affections she held for the Butler. But a lifetime of celibacy was well worth the sacrifice for the comfort of real love. Just to see one another, to hear, to imagine was enough.
Mr Carson was relieved, he could never imagine a life without Elsie Hughes, his cherished love. It was a test for them both. A test they got through.
Chapter 4
The wine they shared together of an evening, the teas they sipped in her sitting room while discussing the goings on of the staff. Even the arguments they had was what made her life worth living. Strange as it sounds the anger, the arguments and the passion that came from them is what excited her the most. It was in these moments their flame burnt the strongest.
Mr Carson also loved those moments of heated rage and sometimes if he freely admitted it to himself, provoked them, because it was at these moment her gentle Scottish accent was intensified and her desire came to the forefront. He loved it when she was angry, when she let herself go, the look on her face, the burning in her eyes, he just wanted to hold that face and kiss her tightly, clasping her close to his body. She provoked all sorts of feeling inside of him. Feelings he never could speak of or utter…
The small smirk they would share in the middle of the row showed to the other that they both felt the same on the matter. They would always push it further than necessary both flirting in a rage of pleasurable emotion until they said their final apologies knowing it would only end in turmoil for them if they motivated it just that little bit further.
Chapter 5
One night Elsie as usual could not get to sleep, the worry overtaking her body.
She decided to go downstairs to her sitting room, to her safe place, to cry, she didn't want anyone hearing or disturbing her. She just wanted to be left in her own thoughts. She pulled her dressing gown on and cautiously made her way down the hallway and towards the stairs, using every ounce of energy left in her to hold her aching sobs inside, her emotions becoming more intensified with each step she made. Finally she made it to the hallway downstairs, her uncontrollable tears overtaking her, she couldn't hold onto them anymore. Not even making it to her sitting room she slid down the wall until she was crouched forward into her body a broken woman.
Elsie was used to being in control; she was in control of her staff, the store room keys from Mrs Patmore, her career, her emotions, her love. This was the first time in her life for a long time that she could not control what was going on and she was scared. She had no control of her own body, the cancer did.
Unbeknown to her Mr Carson had stayed up later than usual; he was in his pantry doing some odd jobs taking his mind off his worries when he heard her cry. He knew exactly who it was, a dagger instantly being pierced inside his heart at the realisation.
He peered outside his door and saw the shell of the woman that was his beautiful Elsie Hughes.
'Elsie' he whispered tears beginning to appear in his eyes, the reality hitting him at seeing her look so fragile.
Elsie gasped as she met his eye, she didn't realise anyone else was downstairs; she was so entangled in her cries she failed to notice the light under his door. She looked up at him like a helpless child caught in the rain and peered down at the floor again feeling quite foolish 'Please Mr Carson, don't pity me.'
She couldn't cope with anyone seeing her like this especially Mr Carson, She had to be direct in what she said, heartless, she had to avoid the confrontation, had to avoid telling him and breaking his heart.
It was too late his heart was already broken.
'Tell me what's wrong, please for goodness sake, so I can help you, please Elsie'.
Elsie ignored him, she didn't want to have to tell him, didn't want to be made to feel like an invalid to be made sorry for. She just wanted to be well again and left alone. She cried to the floor.
'Please Elsie' he continued.
Elsie shook her head tears streaming down her face. Unable to find the words, wishing he would go away, wishing this was all a dream.
Charles was getting angry and could feel the frustration through his bones, he did not want to leave her tonight, could not leave her; he wanted to make her better. He knew she wanted him to leave, bloody stubborn Elsie, but he was determined she would not make him go; Undeterred until she told him the truth.
She had to tell him what was on her mind. He couldn't see her in this turmoil any longer. The pain was getting too much.
He slowly made his way over to her, towering over her, empowering her, 'Get up Elsie Hughes, get up' he said in a deep stern voice she had become so accustomed to.
Elsie was shocked to the core at his lack of sentimentality towards her, lack of comfort, but felt the need to rise to her feet cautiously at his command. Her tears were stopped from the coldness of his approach – it was in fact just what she needed. Something to take control of her that wasn't the cancer.
Charles held Elsie up against the wall, almost pinning her. His arm was held against the wall above her head, she could feel his breath against her cheek as he moved his head close to hers. She closed her eyes, if she didn't look at him she wouldn't give in. He cupped her chin and turned her head to look at him. It was the closest they have ever got and there breathing deepened.
'Just look at me' he asked tenderly.
Elsie gently opened her eyes and peered into into his, frustrating helpless tears brewing up inside of her, she was being forced to tell him.
This closeness was overstepping their barrier; she knew the consequences of what was to happen. They both knew and he was the one to make the move after 30 years. She recognized it was the beginning of a down wood spiral, this was it. She would give into him eventually.
She could have ran away, like always, avoided the situation, stopped it here and now for them both, but she found she wasn't pushing him away. Secretly she wanted to tell him, she wanted him to hold her, to cradle her, to calm her saying everything would be ok. This is what she had been longing for.
The words were on the tip of her tongue, but no, she couldn't go through with it, the hurt it would cause him, the pain, she couldn't do it. So she withheld longer.
It was passion that had overridden him that made him almost force himself onto her, a passion to protect her to look after her. Sod the consequence.
He pushed his body towards her, and she let out a gasp. She was enjoying the control he had on her, the control that wasn't cancer and she was inwardly thanking him for it.
Charles wiped a stray tear from her cheek and kissed where it had laid, Elsie closed her eyes savouring the texture of his lips, those lips she had longed to feel. He moved his kisses to her chin and stroked her lips with his thumb.
Her mouth opened slightly as she let out a small barely audible groan.
He moved his lips to her mouth, just skimming it pleading 'tell me, please just tell me'.
He brushed his hand down her face onto her neck, kissing just where his hand had been, all the time in hushed tones, tell me, please.
Elsie closed her eyes, savouring every moment, hurting with the pain of the words she would eventually give into. He began kissing her neck as a tender tear rolled down her face.
She closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side, pained at the words she was about the say, not looking at him. She whispered tentatively 'I have Cancer Charles, I have Cancer'.
He stopped kissing her neck and looked into her eyes; he held her head with both hands.
Everything was too overwhelming, , his eyes met hers, darting from side to side, it was too much to bare, his darling Elsie, he didn't know what to think, what to do, so he dealt with it the only way his body and emotions would let him, by kissing her, by kissing the cancer away, by loving her, by giving into their suppressed feelings once and for all.
Chapter 6
He laid his lips onto hers and gave her a passionate hard kiss, she opened her mouth slightly allowing him complete control of her mouth; he pulled her hips possessively into his. The kiss became erratic and he held her tight to him, moving his hand to her hips pushing her into him, holding her tight against the wall, the kiss became deep and passionate. There hands were all over each other, exploring and savouring every inch of one another's bodies.
He pulled away looking at her, they were like animals, 30 years of suppressed love and an overwhelming desire to protect her had come to this moment. She could feel him against her, and let out a low moan, he bit her bottom lip, and she tilted her head to the side burying it in his arm. He pulled her even tighter and she bit his shoulder in passionate response. She wasn't thinking, her body was reacting in ways she never imagined.
He brushed her hair back out of her face and held both his hands on the sides of her face, strocking her.
'Don't leave me Elsie, you can't leave me' he whispered
She responded in the same gesture, 'I don't want to leave you, I'm scared, so very scared'.
She buried her head against his arm again.
He kissed the top of her head and she looked up at him tears engulfing her eyes. 'I want to be alive'.
He held her tight and while kissing her face all over responded with a hunger for her ' you are alive, my god you are alive' and squeezed her leg that was being arched towards his hip, He was exploring her flesh hitching her nightdress up.
She felt the moisture between her legs increase, her whole body giving into him while he snuggled into the top of her chest.
She breathed heavily in a longing voice she didn't even recognise
'Make me feel alive Charles'.
This made Charles lose all control, he moved his hand, smacked her bum with a ravenous force and squeezed it tight.
Does that make you feel alive he ravished into her ear.
Elsie's body shuddered in response as she responded in a raspy voice,' yeeees'.
This was what she wanted, she didn't want any loving tender sex, she wanted it hard, she wanted a bit of pain a bit of bruise, she wanted to feel, she wanted the energy the excitement that came with small pain, having the pain made her thrive. At least while she had pain, her heart was beating and she was still here.
She touched her own breast as her leg was hitched up to his hip, his hand touching her bottom, his head buried into her neck, all her fantasies finally coming true.
Charles touched her hand where she had placed it on her breast and started to mimic her movements tenderly over her hand.
She looked up at him 'This is where it is Charles'.
Charles stopped and held his hand to her arm, looking into her beautiful face, he took her hand and placed it to his mouth kissing every finger tenderly, he looked into her eyes and lead her into her sitting room.
Elsie undid her dressing gown and dropped it to the floor, Charles helped guide her night gown off over her head, revealing her breasts, he swallowed hard. She was perfect, it was hard to believe something inside of this beautiful woman was killing her, she was flawless in every way.
He moved her up against the door, Elsie unbuttoning his pyjama shirt, dropping it to the floor, revelling his masculine broad chest. Overwhelmed by his Hanson broad stature, she pulled him towards her in a rage of want.
Charles released himself slightly allowing himself to run his tongue down to her breasts in an effort to explore her body, kissing it, stroking where the lump was all the while looking into Elsie's tear stained eyes.
Elsie wanted rid of that bastard, that parasite that was going to kill her.
'Bite it' she spat in rage of horny anger.
Charles didn't hesitate and did as instructed, Elsie was touching her nipple as he bit, twirling it in her fingers, gasping deeply as she did so.
He moved his mouth to her fingers, moving her hand out of the way. Taking control, he sucked the nipple, gradually moving his tongue around the hard peak in a repetitive wanting motion. His breaths were becoming heavier and heavier, her desire intensifying tenfold with every stroke.
Elsie was enjoying it, every moment.
'Harder' she cried boldly.
Charles bit the nipple, time and time again each time Elsie letting out a pleasurable cry as he did so.
'Don't stop, please don't stop' she cried.
Charles moved his hand down inside her knickers, her whole body shacking as he touched around her wet lips, only letting one finger touch inside for a fleeting moment. She gasped and pulled him closer. This time he let two fingers do the work, exploring her innermost being.
He could feel that she was ready for him a long time before this.
In one hungry eager force he grabbed her tightly and passively down there, he wanted every inch of her.
Her body wanting every bit of him!
She pulled at his trousers while they were in a deep kiss, instigating him to take them off, he did as instructed and held his naked body up to hers, she grasped at his bum, squeezing it while closing her eyes.
He held himself tightly against her.
Elsie pulled at her knickers and they both pulled them hurriedly off. Charles held her, he wasn't letting her go.
They were both fully naked pinned up against her door, Elsie's leg was still hitched to his hip.
He moved his hand to stroke her face, looking in her eyes.
She kissed him and pulled him close going in for a deeper kiss, her controlling the kiss this time.
'Please' she hummed.
She had both her hands at the back of his head, looking him in the eye and bit his lip. She could feel his breath, his body tightening against her and she wanted him, all of him.
'Hard Mr Carson' she begged.
With that in one fowl wanted swoop Charles entered her body, Elsie let out an inward breath, not a pained one, but one of pure pleasure, it did not hurt, she had already explored her own body and the vigorous day to day tasks of running the house had made sure hymen had broken.
She was enjoying every second of it. Pinned against the door, the man she had always loved, thrusting inside her; all her dreams a reality.
He began to utter angrily into her chest, 'The bastard the bastard' with every thrust.
Elsie cradled his head tenderly, tears in her eyes she held her head back 'I know I know' she sighed breathlessly.
It was rough sex but of pure wanting and release from them both, they were mimicking the pain and the anger over the years, the pain of the restrictions, the cancer. The sex was a reflection of their love.
She knew it was the cancer he was referring to, it was the exact same word she felt towards the beast, with every thrust it was like he was trying to pump out the cancer, it was angry sex, but the most passionate, the most loving, filled with the frustration of losing her, the frustration of not being able to have her, of finally having her. He wanted her deep, he wanted her hard. He kissed her neck as he pumped.
She could see the anger the sweat coming of him, the tears that rolled down his eyes, the redness of his face. Her whole body shock in response as she came to a climax before him, this man that loved her so dearly. He continued to thrust hard all the while her coming more intensely, closing her eyes she leant her head back against the door and let out a cry for him, a cry of his name 'Charles, oh Charles' she cried, noises she had never heard come from her being.
With her cry he came to his climax holding her close, clasping her bottom, he let out his exhausted wanting groan, Elsie continuing to come at the pleasure of his climax. Tears still present, tears for the love of this man.
Chapter 7
They stayed there for a few moments while they caught their breath.
His head lay on top her breasts. She cradled his head in her arms tenderly and kissed the back of his head, her lips not yet removed she whispered breathlessly 'Thank you'.
Charles regaining his strength started kissing her more tenderly this time, he moved his hands once again down below.
Where he had just come in her, she was extremely lubricated and wet down there, he touched her.
'Charles' she whispered exhausted.
He carried on, she didn't stop him.
Touching her in a circular motion, gradually moving two of his fingers inside of her, he noticed her biting her lips.
'God you're so wet' he breathed in her ear.
He continued his motions until she came again, the wetness on his hand showed she was more than relaxed with him. This excited Charles tremendously. Never had a woman reacted like this to him.
He moved her over to her sofa, taking the lead, He sat behind her and guided her to sit at the edge of the sofa, he sat with his legs either side of hers, spooning her and touched her again directing her to the end of the sofa, the edge of her bum supporting her weigh, that and Mr Carsons strong possessive legs, all the while him pleasuring her.
'Please Mr Carson stop', her mouth saying one thing, her body another, arching still wanting more.
'No' he persisted in her ear, tightening his grip around her waist. Her body became limper from her exhausted desire.
'Just a bit more, let me touch you just a bit more, let me hear those cries' he kissed her neck.
He could feel her body shacking slightly again from his touch.
'Close your eyes' he whispered, 'relax, give into it, let your body give into it, I love you Elsie Hughes'.
He could feel her figure erupt in pure pleasure, her cries even stronger than before.
After a while she tried to move his hands away from her down there, it was too strong, he forced her to enjoy just a bit more, he knew it was strong, but she needed it, she could take it. He moved his other hand to her breast and caressed it, she came some more. Her whole body in pure exhilaration, sweat dripping down her, her body contorting itself in different shapes, sounds she had never heard herself moan before. This was one of the most wonderful feelings Elsie Hughes had ever had. Charles knew she could withhold it and deserved all the pleasure she was getting, he had to push her to experience it all.
He teased her when she stopped coming, gently letting one finger drop in and out of her making her continue to orgasm slightly. She bit her lip and moaned.
Reaching her hand above her head to clasp his neck, she was spread-eagled in front of him his hands touching her breast, her eyes closed enjoying every sensation, lost in sheer pleasure.
She whispered 'Thank you for making me feel alive.'