Title: The Note
Pairing: None.
Rating: T (for subject)
Genre: Gen
Cat: Angst, Character Study, Drama.
Spoilers: Spoilers for Truth or Consequences in particular.
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts.
Summary: She feels this is how things must be.
Author's Note: I just can't get over how Ziva told Tony in Truth or Consequences, "I am ready to die," and how she's suddenly better now, so I wanted to explore what she might really be thinking.
I cannot imagine that this comes as a surprise to you. Perhaps you wished otherwise, told yourself that I would never do this, not ever, that I had too much will to go through with it. But you do not know. You haven't the slightest idea of what happened, and I do know that you knew it would come to this.
My father sent me on a suicide mission and I failed. I was meant to die out there in Somalia. I was prepared to die, had come to terms with it and never imagined things going any other way.
And then you showed up.
I was shocked at first, but then I was just angry. I have been pushed and pulled in all these different directions, told what to do and who I should be loyal to . . .
I had an obligation to Mossad and, above that, my father. And then, I had an obligation to NCIS. I could not choose both, as much as I wanted to do just that. So to be herded into that room -- dirty, bruised, hopeless and simply ready for death -- and have that hood ripped off, the hood that at least kept me from having to see and remember my failure, and to see your face . . .
It was too much. I did not wish to die in front of you, not in front of any of you. And I was ready to die. I wanted Salim to kill me, put me out of my misery, make it so the rest of you would not have the burden of my life with which to deal anymore.
But he did not. And then you killed him, and rescued me, and I felt confused. I wanted to be angry, knew I should be grateful, but inside, I was empty. They stripped me of all my emotion with every beating they gave me and I gave up any hope of living through this, resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die. But I could not surrender to them, would not betray any of you, because I knew if someone had to die, it should be me.
This is what I wanted to tell you all, that I know, deep inside, this is the only way things could be. I am sorry.
…
Ziva reads over the note and a tear drips down onto the paper. She quickly wipes it off, then opens the drawer in her nightstand, carefully placing the note inside under her gun. She closes the drawer and lets out a deep breath, closing her eyes.
She's realized how lucky she is to be here and how she really doesn't want to die, not really . . . not now. She'll keep the note there as a reminder, in case she ever starts to take things for granted, when she feels angry because of a long night without sleep because of a stakeout . . . or in case she needs to use it.
Her life is good now, pretty much all she could wish for, but she can't imagine life without them -- Gibbs, McGee, Abby, Ducky, even Tony and Palmer and Vance -- and if something were to happen to one of them, something because of her . . . she wouldn't be able to live with herself.
They had saved her from certain death, but now, Ziva knows only she can truly save herself.
end