Thoughts
Summary: Remus thinks about Sirius. Hinted RLSB.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Really.
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I don't know what's happening, Sirius.
You're not sleeping, and I know it. Through the opening of your curtains, I can see you, lying on your back with your hands under your head. And I can tell that your eyes are open, staring emptily into the darkness. The dim light coming in through the window is faintly illuminating your features. It makes your cheekbones stand out sharply, and it glitters on your hair. You've been lying like that for hours, only fidgeting once in while. I don't think that you notice that I'm watching you, but then again, you never did.
I can hear Peter's soft snores. I can hear James mumbling in his sleep. But I don't think you realize it. You look so immersed in your thoughts, and I wish I knew what you're thinking about. This… stillness doesn't seem to match you at all. You're always so restless; moving around, being loud. Even in your sleep you can't stay motionless; you shift and turn often. And I know because I have spent many sleepless nights like this one.
You know, Sirius, we are like the opposites of each other, you and I. I'm calm, quiet, and unnoticeable. I never stand out. I'm always just… there. But you, you're so different. You draw every eye. Maybe it's your looks, or charm; maybe both. You're hard to ignore. Even when you're not trying, you're like a magnet. You attract everyone. And maybe that's why I got trapped. Maybe that's why I can't stop thinking about you. But then again, it could be the fact that things haven't been the same between us for a while. I don't know what's been happening to us lately. We just seem to be so frustrated with each other. It's always one thing or another, it fuels your temper, and we're always saying the wrong things. Things get so uncomfortable that I can't stand it. I remember the times that we used to sit together, high up on the astronomy tower, and it just felt so right. Now everything's out of place and things don't feel right at all.
You suddenly move your head, your eyes flicking towards me. Through the pressing darkness, our gazes meet for a millisecond before I shut my eyes, heart quickening and hoping that you didn't see. I hear you shifting, and slowly open my eyes, only to find you sitting up on your bed. Your hair is falling over your face, and you make a motion as though brushing it away. The way you're sitting, you're blocking the light.
"I know you're awake," you whisper. I don't answer. I don't move. My eyes are closed once again. Just go back to thinking, Sirius.
You sigh, deeply. "Moony?"
I don't want to reply, Sirius, and choke on my words. I just want to pretend that I'm asleep, but I can't help this strange feeling from rushing into my fingertips. Your low voice reminds me of the times we used to stay up in one of our beds, talking about nonsense. It reminds me of how we always used to fall asleep together, and of how James used to laugh and mock us in the morning. Now all James mentions is how he could cut the tension between us with a knife. It feels nostalgic, in the pit of my stomach. We've never been on edge for so long.
I hear you shifting again, but my eyes are still firmly shut.
I think that we lost something between us. Something, that has been replaced with something else, new and enticing. But I don't think that either one of us is ready to discover, so it's repelling us. We're growing farther apart. All you do now is go around with random girls every week, and you barely look at me twice. We don't study together anymore, or stay down in the common room by the fire. I'm not sure how long it's been; I haven't been paying attention. I think we've both changed, suddenly, somehow.
I hear padding footsteps, and wonder where you're going to. I don't bother to try finding out, I can't bring myself to give a damn. I just wish that things returned back to normal.
But then there are footsteps again, and you stop directly beside my bed. I fight the urge to open my eyes, but find myself staring up into your shadowed face. I can't see your expression clearly, but I know that it's not indifferent, like all those times that you've looked at me.
"Move over," you say, neutrally. It's like things never changed.
My body moves of its own accord to make room for you. I try to stop it, but I am powerless. You get in beside me, like it's the most natural thing in the world. Your body is warm and inviting, and I find the whole situation nerve-racking. But then you're caressing my cheek, staring at me, and my heart is racing. I try to move away, or to at least open my mouth to tell you to stop, but find myself unable to.
And then your arms are engulfing me to you, and I'm dumbfounded, confused, and at a loss of what to do. Your body heat is so welcoming; I let my arms return the embrace. I can feel our hearts, hammering together, and I have no idea what it means.
The absurdity of the situation doesn't pass me by in the least. I breathe in deeply, smelling your shampoo, perfume, and something else that's entirely you. To me, you smell like sunshine.
"I miss you," you tell me.
I don't know, Sirius Black. I think that I've given up on you.
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Notes:Shall I add a chapter with Sirius' thoughts? Drop me a review and tell me.