"I can't just jump like that."
"Well, I'm sorry to hear that... And I have to go."
The chilly spring air made him shiver and enveloped him like a heavy fog, as did her words. Keeping him locked in a daze. Numb. Shocked by what had just happened.
While she hurried to get away from the scene, he just kept on standing there.
Rooted to the spot. Glued, cemented to the ground. Right in front of his Diner. In front of way too many people staring. Whispers and gasps chimed in on the noise that was all around him. Troubadours singing, crickets chirping, cars driving by. Nothing of great noise really, but to him it sounded like an explosion. Everything was spinning, making him dizzy.
The voices faded. His vision darkened.
The spring breeze turned into something that felt like winter, ice. Snow.
Lorelai loved snow. It was her present. She'd once told him, how she could smell it before it arrived. Then he ranted a little, pretending to be annoyed by her nutty ways. When it came to her he was usually acting all grumpy on the outside, while on the inside he was smiling. She could be so crazy sometimes. But it was just another thing that fascinated him about her. She was like a child. Or she appeared to be from time to time.
Pure. Carefree. Wild. Seemingly always smiling. Usually in a sunny and uplifting mood. Pouring out positive energy to anyone who had or hadn't asked for it. She had such a good heart. And that smile. Oh god, her smile.
It had enchanted him many many moons ago and the magic of it had never left his mind. Nor his heart. Her smile was what got him through sheer endless days of dealing with himself and all these annoying towns people and their everyday lunacy.
God, how he needed her smile to get through every single day. And how she always managed to cheer him up. He never admitted it, but most of the times being annoyed by, picked at or even embarrased by Lorelai Gilmore was one of his favorite pastimes. Because then at least he could spend some time with her. He had her for a short while. He craved their bantering and flirting. He looked forward to seeing her waltz into his Diner like the force of nature she was, begging for coffee and burgers. Boysenberry Pie. And his company.
He never really let her know, that he saw right through her.
She wasn't just coming in for food, coffee or to bug him and jump his nerves like a trampoline. She was coming in for comfort. Just like he needed her to give that to him.
She was the one who sought peace and happiness in the safety behind that jingling Diner door. She would eat the amazing food he prepared. Drink the awesome coffee he made, which was almost always freshly brewed, regardless of the time of day, just because she loved it that way.
And he loved her.
He didn't remember the exact moment he realized it back then. It was before that epic night, he would never forget, when they where dancing at his sisters wedding. The song they had danced to still played in his head. She had never looked more beautiful than she did that day. He could have died a happy man after that dance.
And it was way before humiliating himself by reading that ridiciolus self help book and seeing any faces. It must have been shortly after she first set foot into the Diner. Somewhere around that time, when she still called him Duke. Or to be more honest, maybe it was as early as she gave him that silly horoscope, unaware of the powers that old little fading piece of paper would have over him. Yeah, that's about the time he must have fallen in love with her. Even though she made fun of him every so often. On the one hand teasing and mocking him for all his peevish and distant ways. On the other hand, looking for advice and comfort in a late nights coffee, a heartfelt talk, and a free piece of pie to bring home to her daughter at the end of the month when single mom Lorelai Gilmore ran short of money. He never made her feel like she failed, when she couldn't pay him for the household repairs he did throughout the years. Instead he fixed what needed to be fixed. He even let her name his toolbox. He brought her fries and a burger even though she only ordered one for Rory, pretending to not be very hungry, which was, hello! Ridiculous, when it came to Lorelai Gilmore. Miracle of human metabolism. Miracle of a mom. Miracle of a woman.
With that miraculous smile.
It all came back to that smile. Lorelai's smile. Her bright blue eyes.
They changed color with her mood. As esoteric and stupid as it may sound. He thought he had gotten to see every emotion that woman could have possibly had over the past decade he had known her.
The best one was her happy smile. Content. Honest. It reached her eyes and made them glisten with pure joy and happiness. The most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and her most fascinating feature.
Then there was her silly, goofy smile that made her oceans beam, again, like that child she was never allowed to be around the strict Gilmore household.
Her proud and cherishing smile, when she was talking about Rory and her accomplishments, which always were her accomplishments too. (That was probably his second favorite).
Even the sad smile was somewhat beautiful on her, because she always had that flicker of hope in her eyes. The power to ignite something better out of a bad situation. She really was a miracle.
His miracle.
And that was when it hit him.
Suddenly he felt sick to his stomach. The noises faded back in. Hitting him like a hammer. He realized where he was and what had just happened.
Suddenly he saw flashbacks of variations of that sad smile right in front of him. Various moments of the last months passed him by. Moments that, apparently, had led them here tonight. Visions of Lorelai saying everything was ok, when really, it wasn't. Nothing at all was ok. Not with her. Not with him and especially not with them.
'We can't just take off and get married.'
'Why not, Luke? Don't you love me?'
'You know I do!'
But did she really?
How could he have been so blind!?
That flicker. That little glint of hope, that even a sad smile of hers always beared, it was gone. Not a hint of it in any of her smiles lately.
That's when the next thing hit him. When was the last time she smiled that happy or proud smile of hers?
He remembered Lorelai had looked happy at April's birthday party. Or hadn't she?
That was when she was with her, with them, for the whole day and literally saved it.
By doing that, she prevented Luke from making a complete fool out of himself, unable to throw his one and only daughter a birthday party.
Not that anyone could've really blamed him though. How could he have known what a 13 year old girl wants for her birthday celebration, let alone a 13 year old girl, he was told was his daughter just mere months ago. Out of the blue. Out of nowhere. How should he have known?
How to act and what to do. Not only around April, but also around Lorelai too.
Everything was out of place. Especially the man, who was a rock to so many throughout his entire life.
Everything was new to him. Upside down, twisted, turned around.
Nothing was as it used to be. Luke Danes hated change. A fast one even more. He didn't know how to handle everything at the same time.
Just like now.
He tried to move his feet.
But failed.
He tried to yell after her.
But it was no use.
She was gone. Long out of sight.
How long had he been standing there? Rooted to the spot. Cemented to the ground.
Visions of her sad, hopeless face reappeared, stabbing him like a sharp knife.
He still felt her hand on his arm, warm, shaking. Her face so desperate, so broken, as she dragged him out of the Diner and onto the street.
That very street they crossed just last year as they were trying to get to something a little more festive than ketchup to toast their engagement with. To commemorate the moment.
Luke-table-for-one-Danes, and Lorelai-I'm-sorry-can-I-get-an-industrial-fork-lift-for-my-emotional-baggage-Gilmore got engaged. She had asked him then.
Today she was pleading him, begging him.
To just say 'Yes' to her. To jump. To stop thinking, to just act.
He was supposed to let his actions speak. That was what he did. What he had always done.
It won him the best kiss of his entire life. The first kiss of Lorelai Gilmore.
The kiss, that was supposed to be his last first kiss ever.
The look in her eyes in that warm mid-spring night in May just two short years ago...
Her beautiful eyes, beaming at him, telling him she had really felt that moment too.
He wasn't just imagining it.
And that's when he jumped.
He told her to stand still, she did. And he jumped.
Finally getting what was his all along. Getting his girl. The love of his life.
There would never be a day he would have to live without her beautiful smile ever again.
She would be his. His to hold, his to care for, his to love. All he had to do was hold on to her, when she was the one to jump for that second kiss.
The kiss that convinced him, that indeed, nothing had felt more right in his entire life.
It all fell into place. The match made in heaven finally happened. The endless waiting, all these frustrating years of watching her be with anyone but him. Hell, let's call it as it was, the pining for almost a decade. It was over. He had her. And he always would.
Because he would never let her go again.
His heart seemed to explode in his chest, when he was finally able to set one foot in front of the other. Somewhere in the distance he heard some people shout something at him. He was pretty sure one of them being Taylor, asking who would be in charge of the Diner now and how he could not just leave like that during business hours. Another one was Babette urging him on to better get 'that sweet tush 'o his' moving to get his girl back.
The sick feeling only increased as he realized he had no clue where Lorelai had ran off to.
For a moment he was thankful for that brisk spring air surrounding him. Not that it mattered, he couldn't really breathe anyway.
In the minutes of his, what seemed like a catatonic state of mind, he had totally blocked out everything that was happening before him.
He was shapeless. Standing beside himself. He heard someone talk, then yell at Lorelai and how she yelled back at that someone. Anger poisoned the air as dark clouds filled the nightly sky. He was motionless. Speechless. He just watched the tragedy play in front of him. But that someone wasn't him obviously. He would have never acted like that person did just now. Or would he?
Then the moving stopped.
Luke was out of his mind and very much out of breath when he found himself standing in front of the crap shack. There were no lights or parked cars.
Nobody was home.
Was it even his home, or just the house he couldn't quite commit to living in, in the months after they had been remodeling it. For the both of them and hopefully, some day, for their growing family. His own truck wasn't around much either these days.
God how he must have hurt her.
The thoughts and memories made him dizzy. Again her hopeless eyes clouded his mind as he was rooted to the spot once more.
He fought the urge to heave just then because he was sick from running as fast as he did.
'Too old for that crap now, Danes.' He thought to himself.
Being the 18 year old track star of Stars Hollow Highschool seemed like a whole lifetime ago.
He tried to collect his thoughts and come up with an idea on where Lorelai could possibly be hiding. 'Was she trying to make a habit out of it?' For a short moment he was slightly annoyed.
Sookie came to mind, but then he checked his watch, seeing it was way too late for Lorelai to disturb the Belleville family then.
He thought about calling the Gilmores. But what was worse than letting Emily Gilmore in on their relationship issues? She hated him enough as it was. He didn't need to add any more drama to that.
He was tempted to call Rory, but with her probably still having finals or either way focusing on college, he didn't want to bother her or interrupt her much needed sleep.
"Dammit!" he screamed into the dark night. Panic arose within him.
Due to his screaming some birds flew out of the trees, the old heavy branches creaking as they did. Something caught his attention as he looked over to the old oak tree next to Lorelai's garage.
That's when he heard a tiny sound from where the Chuppah was standing.
Overgrown by withered wisteria and not having seen a good clean up and varnish in a very long time, it looked neglected and decayed. A symbol of what their relationship and lives had become.
Focusing on the spot he heard a soft, suppressed noise from someone who sounded a hell of a lot like Lorelai.
In the two years of their relationship he had heard and seen her cry quite often. And even before they were an ‚It', when he seemed to be nothing more than her provider of coffee and all things junk food, he was her shoulder to cry on. She had relied on him plenty of times throughout the past 10 years. It dawned on him, that probably, seemingly they had experienced more sad than happy times together than was normal. Or at least the good and the bad held balance. He wasn't so sure anymore and he realized he had forgotten about the happy times. Somewhere along the way they had lost each other.
It shouldn't be like this, he thought. He was supposed to be the one to make her happy. He promised to be all in. But she did too. Yet here she was. Devastated and heartbroken. As was he.
He could make out her voice among a thousand of other voices. Lorelai's crying voice was probably the saddest thing that existed in Luke Danes' world.
As he got closer the soft noises turned into full-on sobs.
And that's when he saw her fully.
Sitting on the ground, her knees pressed to her face to muffle her crying.
It was useless. He had heard her. He hadn't heard her before. In the sense of the word.
But he did now.
She was crouching there in the pale moonlight, shadows of the massive old trees hiding her face every now and then when their branches bowed in the breeze. Clouds darkened the sky. Her head rested against the one thing that he gave her, that meant the most to her.
The Chuppah.
Made with and out of love. For her to marry another man under it. What was once a sign of his devotion and affection for her, looked almost intimidating now with that once so proud and lively woman sobbing right there under its carefully carved poles.
Long before they became a couple they both knew what it meant.
'You only get married once.'
It was a reminder of what he had once promised. Unspoken of course.
Because that's what Luke Danes did. He let his actions speak.
But he was afraid, that this time, that wouldn't be enough.
"Lorelai?" his heart was pounding in his chest. It hurt him to look at her like that. Huddling in the damp grass, dew drops soaking her delicate blue dress. A dress matching her eyes so well. Her now so sad, red and puffy eyes. She tried to hide from him, but failed.
"Lorelai?" he asked again, careful not to scare her away like some astray deer standing still in the headlights of an approaching car.
"Go away." She whispered, not looking up.
Helplessly he looked around, overwhelmed by what he should do, what his next move should be.
"Lorelai. I'm sorry."
The way he said her name was probably one of the most amazing things about him.
She had to admit, even now, he made it sound like the most delicate piece of poetry ever written. Music to her ears. Melodic. Soothing. She hated that he had that power over her. His voice and his beautiful face. Oh, that beautiful face.
It carried the hurt and disappointments he had to endure throughout his life.
When both his parents got sick and died.
When his sister left.
When Rachel left (multiple times and finally for good).
When he thought he had failed Jess (and had to wait for years to see that really he hadn't, quite the opposite actually).
Rory's accident, which led to that horrible summer they weren't speaking (the hell they had wished upon each other couldn't have been worse).
His charade of a marriage to Nicole and their divorce.
All the hard times the elder Gilmores and Christopher gave him.
Their first break-up (when he proved he would still always come rushing to her side, because he would always be her best friend).
Rory stealing a yacht and leaving Yale (leaving mother and daughter estranged and heartbroken).
Learning he had a daughter of 12 years (12 years of lost time, lost moments, lost opportunities).
And all the struggles to become and stay the couple they so badly wanted and needed to be. All of which were imprinted into deep furrows on his forehead, and radiating from his dark blue eyes. They used to be so much brighter.
Oh these eyes...
So wonderful, so deep, so telling.
The way they used to look at her. The way he used to tell her her three favorite words in the whole world with them. While he wasn't one for PDA and constantly spilling the ILY's, his eyes gave him away every time he looked at her.
There was nothing in this world, that Luke Danes loved more than Lorelai Gilmore.
At least that was what she always used to think. She never could have pictured him hurting her like he had in the past months. She had always been so sure of him. Maybe she had taken him for granted. That's when she started to realize, she'd allowed him to hurt her like that. Because she had never once told him how she really felt about their relationship and the way he handled things with April. How he pushed her aside, in order to focus on one thing at a time. And how she let herself be pushed aside, slipping out of his focus.
Both of them were to blame. That thought hurt the most. Lorelai Gilmore wasn't good at admitting mistakes. Like she had said years ago, she fancied herself wonder woman.
'I really want it – the whole package.'
'You'll get it.'
'How do you know?'
'I know.'
'How do you know?'
'Because I know, okay? I know.'
Even with all of their fights and struggles, he always used to care so much.
And now here he was again. Loving eyes looking at her. An honest, concerned, caring look on his face, that was so Luke, that she had trouble being angry for just a moment. He really didn't know. How could he not have known? For a split second she had to admit, that it was probably her, who had let it come this far.
The truth hurt.
"I can't do this right now." She said standing up, trying to get away from him and his intense gaze, that was bound to break the wall she had set up around herself. She had trouble getting up from the damp grass. It almost made her trip. She wasn't wearing her heels any longer, but still she was wavering as she arose from the ground.
Lorelai clung to the Chuppah to steady herself, the simple little touch sending jolts through her whole body like an electrical shock. She stared at it with sad eyes. Underneath the wilted wisteria she spotted Gilbert the goat and yet another tear slipped out of the corner of her eyes. She couldn't believe how her life had gotten so screwed up.
How her love, the only love that ever mattered besides Rory, had gotten so far out of reach.
'No more secrets.'
Standing close to him now, she could smell his scent, the perfect mixture of burgers, coffee and his after-shave. The beloved and familiar scent that was so Luke and that used to be home for her. It killed her all over again.
For the first time in what seemed like hours, but what only had been about thirty minutes, she really looked him in the eyes. Seconds ticked away.
A fire ignited.
Hurt.
Anger.
Realization.
All kicking in that very second. Gone was the fear of completely breaking what was severly cracked just minutes before. Both of them were very passionate people. While sometimes that was a good thing, often enough their temper and stubbornness got the best of them and blew their arguments up into epic proportions.
Luke kept his calm as best as he could. She looked so hurt, so cold.
He pleaded "Can we go inside? Or some place else, we need to talk. I mean, no yelling, but talking. I had things to say to you too, you know?"
Lorelai looked at him, immediately saying "I don't want to talk right now! I have nothing left to say to you. You made your opinion very clear."
"Lorelai. We need to talk about this. And it has to be now! You said so yourself when you just attacked me out of the blue half an hour ago!"
She laughed bitterly: "Don't you think that's a tad dramatic?"
Luke was irritated by her words and demeanor. He feared, this was not going to be a healthy nor pleasent conversation. But one that needed to be held no matter what. He didn't dare say, no matter the outcome.
"You should be used to dramatic." he finally managed to say, glad that it had the desired effect.
"What?" she hissed, eyes wide open.
"Oh come on, everything with you is always dramatic! Things always have to go your way. Your time frame. Your rules. You say 'jump' and I ask 'how high'!" His eyes turned into tight slits. Anger bubbling up, spilling over.
That bitter laugh again. "Obviously you didn't do that just now."
That's when he saw a somewhat mean and false smile on her face for the first time ever. It was nothing like Lorelai. He remembered Nicole looking at him like that, every time he told her, that Lorelai was just his friend, his customer and nothing more. He had to put these thoughts aside as long as they were standing in her yard fighting like this. It was too unreal, too cold. And so, so wrong.
"I can't be like that, Lorelai. I have to think things through, you know that! I've always been that way. It's just who I am and you knew that about me! But you can't keep everything that's bothering you bottled up, keep your mouth shut for months, come up with the idea of another postponement by yourself, pretend that you're okay with everything and then all of a sudden explode all over me after hiding for two days! I was trying to talk to you but nobody had a clue where you were. Or at least, they said they didn't." he took a deep breath and added, a little calmer now: "You can't expect me to read your mind Lorelai." That much was true. "When things don't go as you want them to go, you can't always run and hide. That's not how it works. That's not how it should be!"
Hot tears formed in her eyes again as his words sunk in. The truth in them began cracking the wall around her just a little.
"Then tell me how it should have been! For god's sake just talk to me! You haven't really talked to me for months now, Luke! I'm right here. I was always right here with you. You didn't see me. All you did was see things your way. Like, like... You're on a one way street with me standing on the other side, not allowed to come over to your side before you were sure you had reached the end and it was okay for me to join you. You needed time to get to the end of it in your own pace. Which I get and I accepted it Luke! I trusted you to come and pick me up along the road at some point. But your time is up and it can't go on like that." She took a breath, her head was spinning. "I wanted to marry you. To have a life with you. A family, Luke! I wanted our middle! Golden retriever, matching jogging suits, a double bed at the retirement home, until one day, we would drop dead the exact same night at age 98. Happy, healthy, holding hands. Surrounded by our kids and grandkids. I wanted all of that. But I guess I was the only one, -' he interrupted her speech then:
"You know that isn't true! You know I want all these things just as much as you want them! What do you think was on my mind every single day since I got to hold you for the very first time!? All I asked for was a little time to figure out how to make it there! To make it there with you! And April. She is just as much a part of me as you are! Yes, I get that I should have let you in sooner, that I shouldn't have kept her from you. But Lorelai, I gave you time during your rift with Rory. Because a child comes first. Always. I know that and I have never once pushed you beyond your boundaries. I respected them and I understood that these things take time. You can't rush them! Your stubbornness was ridiculous but I gave you that time to figure it out by yourself. I offered my help but you refused to let me in completely. You wanted to do it your way. So I let you. Because that's how you and me do things, goddammit! We are not that different Lorelai, and I really thought you could do the same for me. But maybe... I guess... I was wrong." He was out of breath. This was probably the most he had spoken in weeks.
She needed a moment to process what he had said. For the most parts, he was right. And she hated it.
Lorelai studied his face. His forehead and the lines around his eyes showed his deep concern. His eyes looked sad, but also clear and alert. While her vision blurred again that very second. She was so tired of crying. So tired of fighting. She could't even control her tears anymore.
All she wanted, was to get inside her house, walk past her shoes neatly lined up by Paul Anka, get up the stairs and crawl into her bed (that reminded her so much of him and all the wonderful, romantic, hot or even just comfortable hours she had spent there entangled in his arms). When he had slept there the last time, she didn't even remember. But his scent and presence still lingered everywhere, ready to attack her at her most vulnerable and weak moments. She was sick of it. She just wanted to feel nothing at all and sleep for two weeks straight.
Luke took a step forward. Lorelai took a step back. He couldn't touch her now. It would be too much. She lifted her head again, tears glistening in her eyes as she whispered:
"How did we get so lost?"
If it would be physically possible to feel your heart break, he was sure that this must have been the case in that very moment.
"Lorelai... I-"
She cut him off, slowly walking towards him, only to pass him by and sit down on the steps that led to her house.
She took a deep breath, which would hopefully get enough air into her lungs to make it through this conversation. If they wanted to survive this, they would have to really start talking.
"You know, right before you came looking for me, I was trying to call Rory." He followed her, unsure if it would be okay to sit down next to her.
She continued, her voice calmer now, as she was staring in the general direction of the Chuppah. "But she didn't pick up her phone, so I thought about calling my mom. But then I realized that probably wouldn't be the smartest idea either. And since it's late I also couldn't call Sookie. So I dialed Christopher's cell."
And then his heart stopped.
He was looking at her with an almost fearful expression. The anger had vanished for now.
It was replaced by nausea and angst. A stray cat passed them by as she carried on, almost chuckling: "But he didn't pick up either."
Of course he didn't. He was never there for her when she really needed him or when it mattered, why should it be any different now?
At least he was consistent that way.
His heartbeat was setting back in.
"Lorelai, -"
She interrupted him again "No, Luke. Let me finish."
"Ok." was all he said, while he felt the need to sit down overwhelm him. So he did.
The scene reminded him of so many days and nights they were sitting on her porch just like they did now. Nights they had shared a good talk and a beer or two. Countless times he came by to repair the floorboards of the front porch that were slowly rotting away.
Bittersweet memories washed over him.
'I guess if you can find that one person, you know, who's willing to put up with all your crap, and doesn't want to change you or dress you or you know, make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right. But that's only if you find that person.'
'Yeah, if you find that person.'
He dared to look at her, his heart beating fast as he tried to regain his composure.
"So I tried to call Christopher." Hearing her say his name would never not hurt. He shared a long history with her, they even shared a kid for christ's sake. Not that Christopher ever put any kind of real effort into the whole fatherhood thing. But still he was jealous that the guy would have something that big connecting him with Lorelai for all eternity. He wanted to have that too. The most precious connection that could possibly exist between a man and a woman. A child of their own. Born out of love.
'Kids would be good.'
"But then something clicked, I couldn't allow myself to be that stupid again. He is the last person I should be calling right now. Or ever, for that matter. Then I turned off my phone. Because I realized there was nobody left that I could call."
A sad smile appeared on her face. She didn't want it, but even as she was sitting there with an aching heart, his presence calmed her down just like it always had.
"And you know why?" He shook his head, not daring to breathe. She was so beautiful, even with streams of dried tears all over her face. Mascara out of place, red eyes and running nose. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. And he had caused her all this pain. It was killing him. "Because the only other person I could have called in case of severe heartbreak and desperation was ... you. You were my best friend Luke. You always-" She had to stop in order to keep herself from sobbing.
She looked up, looked through his eyes and right into his broken heart. "You've always been there for me. I never had to fear that one day you wouldn't. But today... Today was that day. You weren't there for me. I realize now that putting that kind of pressure on you was probably wrong, but I didn't know what else to do. Only I can make myself wait. That's what she said. She said, that some things just aren't meant to be. And that-" Again hot tears sprang to her eyes. Everything just sounded so wrong. They were meant to be after all, weren't they? "She said that if I asked for it but didn't get it, it wasn't worth having it in the first place."
He was confused now "Who said that?" Deep furrows lining his handsome face.
God, why did he have to look at her like that?
Luke finally managed to move his hand. He touched her arm and set it on fire. His warm, caring touch burnt her to the ground. Through her wet lashes she looked down at his hand on her upper arm and a single hot tear found its way there. It couldn't stop the fire.
"Lorelai? Who told you all these silly things?"
She allowed herself one last moment to bask in the feeling of his hand on her arm, unwavering, before she lifted her head to look up at him.
"The therapist."
"The what? Wait, do you mean, you-" he started, only to get interrupted by her yet again:
"No, no. Nothing like that. My parents invited some woman over for tonight's dinner. It's friday, remember? Apparently they tried to set her up with Christopher, because he was there as well."
The flash of anger in his eyes at the mentioning of his name didn't go by unnoticed.
"When she was about to drive off, I started talking to her. I ended up in her car, crying, telling her, well basically, the story of my life. I told her about Chris and Max and... you." His hand, still burning a hole into her arm, squeezed her lightly.
"So you just let some stranger, who has never even met the both of us, tell you how to handle your affairs?" It came out a little harsher than he had intended to, but he couldn't help it.
She just let his legitimate objection wash over her. He was right.
"I told her how I was the one to propose to you. I told her about my wedding dress, hanging in my closet, mocking me. I told her how I was ready. How I wanted another kid, a kid with you, Luke." She looked him deep in the eyes. "I told her that I was afraid, that if I pushed you too hard, I'd lose you." Breathing was hard in that moment. For the both of them.
With a new sense of bravery she looked him in the eyes once more and continued: "and I told her how I have never... how I have never really loved anyone until you." It was out. She felt some strange feeling of relief. Talking really did help. Sort of.
He swallowed the lump in his throat. Again that feeling of complete heartbreak giving its best to kill him. "Lorelai..." His voice cracked.
She tried to recall a time she had seen Luke cry over the past ten years. Sure, he had been blubbering along with them at Rory's graduation speech at Chilton, like the proud step dad he was about to legally become. But besides that, she came up empty. He was solid, he was strong, he protected her. He got her. He was a rock. Unshakable. Like she had told Carolyn. He was a real man. Tears were nothing Luke Danes would allow himself to show. No matter the situation.
But this was different. It was her. And it was him.
'I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in.'
As the night got colder around them and the moon and millions of stars were illuminating the now cloudless sky, Luke closed his eyes. He took her hand, just like that, causing another fire to emerge. It burnt right through her.
The bright moonlight shone right into his face, as he opened his eyes back up, looking Lorelai straight in the eyes, silent tears started to fall. His eyes never looked as stunning as they did in that moment. She knew that he would look beautiful crying. Not that she was happy about it being sad tears. She would have prefered happy tears...
"I love you." was all he said then. Nothing else would come out right now anyway.
She didn't say anything back, she only added a few tears of her own.
'I really need to hear that once in a while.'
The fire still burning, they sat in silence for a long time.
The only noises to be heard in the distance were people talking down the steet, crickets chirping, the wind rustling through the trees. Both of them were exhausted. But neither of them wanted to get up. Because neither of them knew how to go on from here.
Memories of their first break-up found their way to the surface.
'Luke. I am all in. I'm all in. Please trust me. Let me show you what a great girlfriend I can be. But I can't wait. We can't wait. I need to know what you're thinking right now.'
'Fine. You want to know what I'm thinking right now? That I can't be in this relationship. It's too much.'
Even when they were nothing more than friends, communication has always been their biggest problem. Well that, and timing. He was too slow, she was too fast. He closed up, she ran away.
After what seemed like an eternity, Lorelai managed to find her voice back. "That's a pretty big mess we've gotten ourselves into, isn't it?" She gave him another sad smile. But on the inside she still felt numb. Like she wasn't even really there to begin with. Was this really her life?
Their tear-streaked cheeks reflected some of the moonlight gleaming from above.
With the back of his hand Luke tried to erase the evidence of his meltdown.
"Guess so." he replied. He knew this wasn't the time to be his monosyllabic self, but his head felt so heavy on his shoulders. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know if anything he said could save what was left of them.
"Why didn't you want April to meet me?"
Ouch. Right in the gut. So the communicating would begin now it seemed.
The muscles in his jaw flexed. "It's not that easy."
Feeling him closing up again, she tensed and withdrew her hand from his. She hadn't even realized that they had held hands the whole time. It felt good, it felt natural. But that moment was gone now. Taken away by his unpleasant answer.
He regretted his choice of words immediately. He tried again.
"I guess I was just afraid I would lose her again, that Anna would take her away from me, when she would find out we're spending time together before any kind of agreements were made. You know, on how to split up time and custody or whatever. I, I mean I had just gotten to meet her, Lorelai! All of this was new to me. I was terrified. I was dead scared. I still am. I couldn't lose her again. What if I would mess everything up, what if April would regret looking for me in the first place? What if she wouldn't wanna get to know me once we started hanging out with you?"
"What is that supposed to mean?" She looked slightly irritated.
"You know what I mean, how... how could she love me and want to spend time with me, when she figured out how amazing you are and what a boring loser dad I am. I'm not good at this kid stuff. You know how I used to hate it, until I finally got the chance to have and experience it all with you. We were supposed to learn to handle the kid stuff, you know, our kid stuff together. And without any warning I was being pushed right into it. She was 12 years old for god's sake. And a goddamn genius. She would immediately realize if I sucked."
"Luke this is ridiculous!" She didn't know if she should be pissed or amused.
"It wasn't ridiculous to me, Lorelai." he said in a serious tone.
"And soon enough you would have seen it too, that I sucked. Like with the birthday presents or her birthday party. I wasn't good at kid stuff."
"Could you stop saying that word?" She couldn't help it, her mood was lifted for just a second. The choice of words was so Luke.
He missed her little smile, since he was staring down at his shoes anxiously. "I didn't want you to see, that I sucked as a dad. We wanted to have a child of our own. I was afraid you wouldn't wanna have that anymore, once you saw how I was acting around a child. My own child, to be more exact."
She studied his face. This really bothered him. He could be crazy sometimes.
"Luke," she took his big hand into her small one. It didn't burn this time. It just tingled. A good feeling actually.
„Nothing could have stopped me from wanting to have a kid with you." The sincerity in her voice made him realize how absurd his reasoning must have been. His heart skipped a beat. "I've seen you look at April. Well, not often, but I've seen how you cared. How you must have loved her right away." That was when the heartache set back in. "Luke, all I wanted, was to be a part of that." Tears threatened their way up once more.
How many heartbreaks could a human being survive, he wondered.
'So do you want to hear my explanations, 'cause I've got 'em. Explanations, perspective, apologies, I've got 'em all, and I'm dying to share them with you.'
'I just need some time.'
'Time -'
'A little time, to think.'
'And to process.'
'Right.'
'I get that. I get that. I just have so much I want to say to you.'
'Not right now. I need to clear my head.'
'You'll call me when you're ready?'
'Yeah.'
"I know you did, Lorelai. But I wasn't ready. I couldn't and still can't wrap my head around the fact, that she is my kid. I have a daughter! I was feeling like I was watching some of these crappy late night movies you and Rory would have enjoyed mocking, about some dumb idiot guy that wasn't worth letting him know he had a child. So he spends his life, walking around, clueless. Until one day, everything comes crashing down. And people are laughing at him." He paused. God this hurt. "I finally had everything I ever wanted... I had you! And there's another thing I still can't really grasp: You wanted to marry me. You, Lorelai Gilmore wanted to marry me! For a while I was the happiest man alive. But when April showed up, the happy-train derailed. I never imagined myself having the picture perfect life. But I had it for a while, I had it with you. Until suddenly, that perfect life came to a crashing halt. For all my life I've been used to handling things on my own, just like you are." She nodded, she didn't want to admit it, but since this was the time for complete honesty, she might as well give him just that.
"You were so happy to have Rory back in your life, you found that perfect dress, you were smiling the whole day. Every day. You planned our wedding in just one day. I've never seen you so full of joy as when you talked about June 3rd. I couldn't destroy that. I was afraid this whole thing would ruin us, so I said nothing until you found out for yourself. That was wrong. I know that now. And I should have included you right away. I haven't really noticed how unhappy you had become. How the smiles had left your face and were often enough replaced by deep frowns. But I still saw you, Lorelai. I did. But I thought... I thought you'd just give me a little more time to get through the mess, that my life had become. I was afraid of Anna and what she'd be able to do once I did something she wasn't fond of. I know I should have asked for your help. But that's just hard for me, you know?" She nodded. Glad he was finally able to let her in on what was going through his mind in the last months. "I never relied on anyone for anything. I'm not that person. Just like you, the queen of incessant talking, are not the person to keep your mouth shut about things that bother you. So when you said we could postpone the wedding again, I was so thankful. It had bought me time. It never meant, I didn't want to marry you. Because I do! I do want to marry you! That hasn't changed. I just lost focus. You have to believe me!" He looked at her with pleading eyes.
'I love you, and I'm gonna marry you, and at our wedding, we are having lobster.'
He noticed she was shivering. Goosebumps covered her arms where the little midnight blue bolero ended. He started unbuttoning his flannel shirt. A shirt he would most likely burn once he got home. Wherever home was. But he would never wear it again, that was for sure. He didn't need any reminders of this night.
She put her hand on his arm, in order to stop him "What are you doing?" she asked, pointing to his half open flannel.
"You're freezing! I wanted to give it to you!" Luke explained.
Lorelai shook her head at this sweet Luke-like behavior, and got up from the steps.
Confusion was written all over his face, until he saw her walking up the stairs and over to the old porch swing that came with the house all these years ago, and that had been fixed by Luke many times. It also held some more delicate and private memories of happier hours the both of them had shared on it. Which of course she had talked him into. The big pink unmanly wool blanket he used to mock and refused to having wrapped around him, was still there, so she sat down carefully and just waited for him to make a move.
"Oh." he whispered.
"Yeah, Oh. Come here!" she ordered quietly.
Once he was sitting next to her, he wrapped the blanket around her slumped shoulders. He was cold too, but no way in hell would he have a heart-to-heart with her now, wrapped up in that thing. It beared bittersweet memories.
Years ago when they were watching Casablanca together for the very first time, and he fell asleep on her couch, she tucked him in with it. When he woke up that night, the first thing he noticed was that girly pink blanket. And how it held the scent of her. Vanilla and peaches. It felt like home. She was his home.
He wasn't sure what distance between them would be appropriate, so he left her some space. His broad shoulders not touching hers. She looked so pretty, sitting here, bathed in bright moonlight. Every time she took a breath, the little pendants on her necklace (not one of those, he had given to her), moved a little and were reflecting light on their own. Her brown locks were tamed behind her ear. Loose strands of hair framed her face. And just like her it seemed somewhat sad and lifeless. He missed her wild and bouncy curls. And the way they were tickling his body, when they were rolling around in bed, making love to each other.
'This has been a really great first date.'
'It only took us eight years to get here.'
"How much more time would you have needed?" she finally asked.
He had to really think about it and stayed quiet for a moment longer.
Bits and pieces of their fight an hour ago flared up.
'You're gonna have to figure out how April fits into our lives, not the other way around.'
'I'm trying.'
'Well, try married!'
'Just wait!'
'No! I'm not waiting! It's now or never!'
When he couldn't come up with a satisfying answer, he just looked at her.
"Thought so." she whispered in a sorrowful tone, as she got up once again.
He didn't go after her for another moment.
She turned around when she had reached the steps of her front porch again.
"Do you remember the night, you gave me the ring?" He nodded, recalling the moment.
It was a full moon night in May. He was just coming to the house to pick her up and finally give her his mother's old wedding band. The most precious piece of jewelry she would ever own. She was sitting in Rory's half empty room, trying not to break down as reality sunk in, that indeed, her daughter, the pride and joy of her life, was no longer there with her. She was heartbroken over all the wrong paths Rory had chosen over the course of the last year. She was supposed to be smarter than her. She was supposed to make wiser decisions. She was supposed to have the perfect life.
But most definitely, 'perfect' doesn't exist. That's when she heard Luke open the back door and call for her: "Full moon! Moment's here. Let's go!"
So she did what she had become quite good at throughout her teenage and adult life, she pretended everything was fine, got up and met him under the Chuppah. The symbol of their love. And of promises that they had made.
He then gave her his mother's ring. He had it refurbished. It was glistening in the bright light of the full moon. A thousand shades of the rainbow emerged from the little diamond atop the simple golden wedding band. It was lighting up the dark of the nightly sky.
And for a short moment she was entirely happy.
When she put the ring down for the first time a couple of days later, she noticed the engraving.
'All in - L.'
Maybe some kind of 'perfect' did exist after all.
Both of them were reminiscing that special night. It was one of the few times he was the first to tell her he loved her.
"Of course I remember. You were so sad because of Rory and I desperately tried to find something to fix it or at least make it a little bit better. I know, nothing would have made you happier than showing off that ring to Rory the second I put it on your finger. But I couldn't give you that." Her eyes teared up at the painful memory. "So this time... I guess, I just needed it to be perfect. For all of us. Our girls should have been there. Your parents. Our friends. Even my crazy sister with that lunatic husband of hers. Hell, even Taylor and Kirk should have been there for our wedding day! It was supposed to take place in the Gazebo. With millions of twinkle lights, white lillies and lilac everywhere, sappy music playing, little ballerinas dancing. Deep down inside you know I'm right. Eloping wouldn't have been the right thing to do. I know I suggested Maryland myself, but my heart wasn't in it. It was supposed to be perfect this time. I really needed it to be perfect for you, Lorelai. You deserved perfect. Our girls deserved perfect. It was supposed to be the most perfect day of our lives... But I guess, perfect doesn't exist or does it?"
She smiled. A genuine, forgiving one this time. "No, it doesn't."
"But you and me - we were pretty damn close."
He gave her one of his patented, dazzling wide smiles "Let's start this over."
They couldn't go through all of their issues in just one night, but it was a start.
A new beginning.
They've done it before.
"All I can say is, you're lucky I'm back in your life, because clearly you were lost without me. I mean, it's a miracle you're even still alive. Right?"
"You bet."
He got up from the porch swing, hopped down two steps at once and joined her under the Chuppah. Their Chuppah.
A Chuppah symbolizes the home that the couple standing under it, will build together.
It would take hard work, more honest and open talks, and constant communication to get things back to the way they were a year ago. Or maybe, hopefully, to get them to an even better place. Trust would have to be rebuilt and regained. And they would have to overcome their insecurities.
Both were to blame for the mess they've gotten themselves into. And they would find their way out of it - together.
He took her hand in his, as he had wanted to do many years ago, when he was standing in the exact same spot he was now. She turned towards him, followed by an almost inaudible apology "I'm so sorry, Luke."
He reached for her other hand, so that he held them both and for the first time in what felt like forever, everything was quiet and peaceful. The fog had cleared. At least enough, so they wouldn't lose each other again.
"We'll be ok, Lorelai." There it was. The poetry he put into saying her name. Its melodic vibrations cracking, destroying what was left of the wall around her. She allowed herself one last doubt. "What if we won't?"
He pulled her to his chest, they breathed in each others scent. Savoring the moment, the feeling of being close again. When was the last time he'd held her like that? She decided, it didn't matter. They needed to stop looking back. And instead move forward in the same direction. Into the future, their future together. There were a lot of things left to discuss. And most likely there would be more tears to be shed. But for tonight, they had survived the storm.
His embrace felt heavenly. And so, so safe. Never again would she risk throwing away what she had with him. He was hard work. But so was she, and she was willing to give her all this time.
With his left hand he brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She cradled her cheek into his palm and her whole body flush against him. She felt his warmth and the rythmic beating of his heart. Rough hands and strong arms that held her. Like they always had and always would.
He looked at her and saw a careful smile on her beautiful face. Blue oceans beaming up at him.
The flicker of hope was there again!
And it was reflected in his own eyes.
He smiled a genuine smile, pressed his lips to her forehead, sweetly, almost innocent. Both of them closed their eyes. The world around them disappeared. Nothing mattered but them. Then he kissed her lips tenderly and whispered:
"I know we will!"