50 Shades of Dennis

by KnoxHarrington

The book "50 Shades of Grey" inspires the Gang in various ways: Dee and Frank collaborate on an erotic novel of their own, and Dennis decides to give Charlie some guidance on how to make a woman submit to your will.

INT. - PADDY'S PUB - DAY

Titles: 3:30 PM, On a Wednesday, Philadelphia, PA

DEE and FRANK are standing at the bar. DEE is reading from a copy of "50 Shades of Gray." FRANK is leaning in to read the same copy of the book.

FRANK

Now this is some hot smut.

Dee looks at Frank with a bit of annoyance.

DEE

Frank, do you mind? I'm trying to read here.

FRANK

I just heard about this book and I wanted to see what it's all about.

DEE

It's just weird, OK?

FRANK

What do you mean?

Dee looks at Frank contemptuously.

DEE

What do you think I mean, Frank? I'm trying to read an erotic novel, and my father is reading over my shoulder. That's weird.

FRANK

If it makes you feel any better, I'm not really your father...

Dee doesn't respond. Dennis, Charlie, and Mac enter.

DENNIS

Oh, are you reading that stupid book now?

DEE

I just wanted to see what all the fuss is about...

MAC

I'd never read a piece of shit like that.

DEE

Have you actually ever read a novel, Mac?

MAC

No, because I don't waste my time with bullshit like reading. I have much better things to do with my time than stare at a bunch of words about things that didn't happen.

CHARLIE

What's this book about?

DEE

It's about a young college student who soon finds herself in an obsessive, sadomasochistic relationship with a billionaire...

MAC (interrupting)

It's a bullshit book for chicks, Charlie.

FRANK

Yeah, but this kind of shit sells like hotcakes.

DENNIS

That's because it speaks to the female psyche, Frank. It taps into that desire that all women have to be dominated. To be in the possession of a strong man who takes control of every aspect of their life. Who holds the very power of life and death over them. Oh, he tells her that he'll stop if she just says the safeword. But how does she know he will? How does she know?

As Dennis speaks, the others look at him with more and more unease.

DENNIS

So it's not bullshit, Mac. It's the key to making a woman yours. By showing her that you will make her your possession. It's what I've been trying to tell you all along.

DEE

Look, all women don't want that. Most of us want an equal partnership with a man.

CHARLIE

That's right, Dee. I mean, look at what The Waitress and I have together. We have respect for each other. I let her live her life, she lets me live mine, but we have a lot in common.

MAC

Charlie, you constantly spy on her and she's got a restraining order on you.

CHARLIE

Yeah, but it still works despite our differences. Because we are equals.

DENNIS

Maybe the reason The Waitress has never really wanted to be with you is because you've never really taken control of her, Charlie. Maybe you should show her that she should submit to you.

CHARLIE

No, I don't think that's right. That's not what our relationship is all about.

DEE

Plus, if he tries that, he'll violate the restraining order, and he'll go to jail.

FRANK

Yeah. You should keep things as they are, Charlie.

DENNIS

That's fine if you want to keep your little fantasy going, Charlie. But this is the best way to truly *possess* a woman.

MAC

I'm with you, Dennis.

DEE

Well, I can't imagine any woman wanting to be "possessed" by either of you idiots. And this book is terrible. I could definitely write a better book.

FRANK

I should help you out. I've written some pretty hot shit in my time.

DEE

Like what?

FRANK

I used to get my letters printed in "Penthouse" all the time. I'd write these letters about how I was a horny co-ed banging my sorority sisters. It got me through some boring meetings back when I was at Atwater. Some asshole's reading off all these financials to me, it looks like I'm taking notes, but I'm writing some hot smut about muff-diving coeds. It's a good thing I was sitting behind a big desk, if you know what I mean.

DEE

Weird. But if you want to read over what I'm writing, sure, why not.

DENNIS

What makes you think you can write, Dee?

DEE

I've kept a diary my entire life!

CHARLIE

Yeah, and it's really good!

DEE

Charlie, have you read my diary?

CHARLIE

Well, more like had it read to me...

DENNIS

No one gives a shit about your diary, Dee, and no one will give a shit about your shitty novel.

MAC

Yeah, Dee. You can't write for shit, and no one wants to read your ripoff of "50 Shades of Gray."

DEE (angrily)

I'm going to show you boners. I'll write a book that'll sell millions of copies, and you assholes will still be stuck back here in this shithole.

FRANK

That's my girl! Let's go write some hot smut, honey.

Dee and Frank leave.

CHARLIE

(to Dennis)

Maybe you're right, Dennis. Maybe I need to really show The Waitress how much she wants me.

DENNIS

That's the point, Charlie. When a woman says "No" to you, what she means is "Force me to say 'yes'."

MAC

I don't know, dude, this could get you into a lot of trouble.

DENNIS

Oh, sure, you could worry about things like "the law" and "court orders", Charlie. But true love can't worry about that.

MAC

Are you sure this will work, Dennis?

Dennis stares at him coldly.

DENNIS

Am I sure this will work? You dare ask me if this will work?

CHARLIE

Yeah, dude, the more I think about it, the more I'm not sure. I mean, yes, you get a lot of chicks, and you make those weird sex tapes, but you don't seem to keep them long.

DENNIS

Perhaps I should show you an example of this in action, Charlie.

CHARLIE

How are you going to do that?

At that moment, the door opens and a young woman, who looks like a college student, comes in. She walks over to the bar.

ANASTASIA

Hello. Is Dennis Reynolds here?

Dennis looks over at Charlie, and smiles in a fairly creepy way, like a predator seeing his prey.

DENNIS

Why, yes, that would be me. How may I help you?

ANASTASIA

Hello, my name is Anastasia, and I'm with the Penn student newspaper. I'm writing a series of profiles of former Penn students who've started businesses in the Philadelphia area, and so I'd like to talk to you.

DENNIS

Oh, and you shall, my lovely Anastasia. We shall talk of a great many things.

Anastasia looks a bit taken aback, but recovers.

ANASTASIA

Um...OK, when would be a good time?

DENNIS

We have all the time we need.

Jump to title card: "50 Shades of Dennis"

INT.-DEE'S APARTMENT -DAY

Dee is typing on a laptop computer. Frank is standing behind her.

DEE

(reading off the screen)

"And she looked in his eyes, and in that moment she knew she wanted only to surrender her entire being to him..."

FRANK

Boring!

DEE

Frank, we have to set the scene here. Matilda can't just surrender of Malcolm right away. She has to get to that place...

FRANK

When are they gonna bang?

DEE

We can't just go into the sex, Frank...

FRANK

What's the point? People read books like this because they wanna read about people plowing each other.

DEE

This isn't porn...

FRANK

That's for damn sure. Porn is interesting.

Dee turns around and looks at Frank.

DEE

Well, if you have constructive criticism, I'd like to hear it.

FRANK

OK. Let's start with her name. "Matlida?"

DEE

It's a beautiful name.

FRANK

It sounds like your 90 year old aunt.

DEE

So what should her name be?

FRANK

How about...Melodie.

DEE

(a bit surprised)

That's a nice name, Frank.

FRANK

Melodie Melons.

DEE

(very annoyed)

Goddammit, Frank, I am not going to give my heroine a stripper's name!

FRANK

It's a great name. It'll let the reader know she's got big cans.

DEE

Her name is staying Matilda, OK?

FRANK

Don't you want to know what I think the guy should be named?

DEE

No, but you'll tell me anyway.

FRANK

Harry.

DEE

(looking at him with great skepticism)

Harry what?

FRANK

Harry Hungwell.

DEE

Oh my God. He's still Malcolm. OK? Now just let me work and keep your suggestions to yourself for now.

FRANK

Suit yourself. But you're missing out on the great anal scene I have all figured out.

DEE

Oh my God...

INT. - PADDY'S PUB BACK OFFICE - DAY

Dennis is being interviewed by Anastasia. He sits behind the desk, Anastasia across from him.

ANASTASIA

So how long has Paddy's Pub been in business?

DENNIS

Well, I founded Paddy's Pub about twelve years ago. With my own money, mind you. This bar is the culmination of my life's work. My greatest achievement.

ANASTASIA

So you're the owner? You don't have any partners?

DENNIS

Well, I let them hang out here and have menial jobs, but I'm the one who calls the shots around here. As with everything in my life.

ANASTASIA

So tell me what a typical day at Paddy's is like...

Dennis puts his finger over his mouth, in a "shush" gesture. He extends his arm out over the desk and puts his finger on Anastasia's lips, to shush her as well.

DENNIS

This is not about me. You should tell me about yourself now.

Anastasia recoils back, obviously bothered and annoyed by Dennis' gesture.

ANASTASIA

Excuse me?

DENNIS

Oh, Anastasia. Dear Anastasia. Why limit ourselves to such mundane topics? There is so much more to discuss.

ANASTASIA

Look, I am here to interview you for this article. It's just going to be about your business. So let me ask the questions, please.

DENNIS

You don't have to be afraid, Anastasia. I know that you are probably intimidated by me. I imagine that you find yourself surrounded by men who are not as confident in their sexual prowess as I am. They could never win your heart...

ANASTASIA

(interrupting)

I have a boyfriend. Not that that's any of your business.

DENNIS

But can he truly rule your heart, Anastasia? Will you ever know the pleasure from submission with him that you would feel with me?

Anastasia quickly stands up, closing the notebook that she was taking notes in.

ANASTASIA

If you are not willing to answer my interview questions, this interview is over.

DENNIS

Oh, this has just begun, my dear Anastasia.

ANASTASIA

No it hasn't. Good bye.

She storms out of the office. Dennis leans back in his chair, with a satisfied smile on his face.

DENNIS

Oh, Anastasia. This is far from over.

INT. - COFFEE SHOP - DAY

We see The Waitress doing her usual job routine, making coffee, etc. Charlie and Mac walk in, and when she sees them, she stops dead, looking disturbed.

THE WAITRESS

Charlie, what the hell? You're not allowed to be here.

CHARLIE

(yelling)

I go where I want! Now get your ass over here now!

MAC

(calmly, to Charlie)

Dude, this isn't what Dennis was talking about.

THE WAITRESS

Get out of here or I'll call the cops, Charlie. I can have you arrested right now. You're completely in violation of the restraining order.

CHARLIE

You're not going to call the cops because you don't do shit unless I tell you to!

MAC

(to the Waitress)

You have to excuse him. Dennis...

THE WAITRESS

Oh, Dennis is responsible for this? Tell him he's an asshole for me.

CHARLIE

Bitch, what did I tell you? You need to do what I tell you to!

THE WAITRESS

Charlie, stop it. You look ridiculous.

MAC

Yeah, dude. You're just making an ass of yourself.

The camera pans around to show how horrified the other patrons of the coffee shop are by his behavior.

CHARLIE

(fairly distraught)

Why isn't this working? Dennis told me that women want to be told what to do...

THE WAITRESS

Well, Dennis doesn't know shit about women. About all he can do is trick vulnerable women into falling in love with him...

MAC

(interrupting)

Like you...

THE WAITRESS

(continuing, after casting an annoyed look at Mac)

...but as soon as they figure out what kind of person he really is, they're done with him.

CHARLIE

So women don't want to be told what to do?

THE WAITRESS

No, Charlie. At least not like this.

MAC

Yeah, dude, this isn't working. We should probably go.

CHARLIE

Women are so complicated, Mac.

MAC

I know. That's why I stay away from them, Charlie. They just wanna tie you down and keep you from being a real man. That's why you should just stick with men. Real, sweaty, burly men. Doing guy things. With guys. No women in there to ruin things. Women just get in the way of real fun.

THE WAITRESS

There's so much I have to say about what you just said, but you really do need to just leave.

Charlie and Mac leave the coffee shop. We follow them out onto the street.

CHARLIE

Dude, that didn't work at all.

MAC

Of course it didn't work. I don't think that Dennis meant you should run into the coffee shop and scream "bitch" at her at the top of your lungs.

CHARLIE

But he said women want to be dominated...

MAC

I don't think that works for all women, dude.

CHARLIE

I've been trying to figure out what The Waitress wants for years.

MAC

Seriously, dude, just give up. Women are not worth it at all.

CHARLIE

I don't know about that. I just gotta think about this.

MAC

Trust me, Charlie. This is not going to end well.

INT- DEE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Dee and Frank are still struggling with their novel. Dee looks particularly frustrated.

DEE

"And she looked into his eyes, and what she saw..." Goddammit! I can't get past this part!

FRANK

Yeah, you've written thousands and thousands of words and they aren't even close to banging yet.

DEE

That's because I want this to actually work as a good novel, not just be a series of porn scenes, Frank.

FRANK

Yeah, well, right now you don't have either one. You got shit.

DEE

Well, do you have any real suggestions to get me past this, or are you just going to keep insulting me?

FRANK

I've given you lots of good suggestions, and you won't use them.

DEE

Well, every suggestion you've given me is just about a sex scene. I don't see how I'm going to work your suggestion that we have a double penetration scene in here.

FRANK

Suit yourself. You listen to me, you'll have a book that's hot shit and people will line up to get it.

DEE

You know what, Frank, I think we just have fundamentally different ideas of what this book is supposed to be. So why don't we work separately? I write my book, you write yours.

FRANK

Yeah, that would be the best thing. I'll get to write the red-hot sexual escapade that I want. And you'll write...something.

DEE

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Frank.

Frank starts typing on his own laptop.

FRANK

The first thing is I gotta think of a title...Hmmm, what should it be...I got it! "Banged By The Billionaire." Every housewife in the world will want that!

DEE

(disapprovingly)

Nice, Frank.

INT. - PENN STUDENT NEWSPAPER NEWSROOM - DAY

Anastasia is sitting at her desk at the student newspaper. Some of her co-workers are around her, also working. Dennis comes in, and when he does, Anastasia immediately notices and is not happy about it.

ANASTASIA

What are you doing here?

DENNIS

I have come to take what is mine, my dear Anastasia.

ANASTASIA

What the hell are you talking about?

DENNIS

Our brief encounter started something that we must continue.

ANASTASIA

I am not interested in you in any way. I cancelled the interview. I won't be including you in the story. And I'd like you to leave now.

DENNIS

That's your fear talking. You sound like a scared girl, afraid to become the woman that she can be. And if you let me lead you, I will take you there.

ANASTASIA

(laughing)

Are you serious?

DENNIS

(sternly)

I never joke about these matters.

ANASTASIA

You're, what, forty years old?

DENNIS

No, I am not.

ANASTASIA

You run the filthiest dive bar I've ever been in, full of low-lifes and bums. You're somewhere around 40 years old, and you're chasing after a much younger woman with just some of the creepiest lines imaginable. Do you really think that this is going to work?

Dennis sits down in the chair across from Anastasia's desk and leans in as close as he can.

DENNIS

I hear you saying these things. And it's sad, Anastasia. It's sad that your fear is holding you back from such ecstasy. And it would be ecstasy. It will be ecstasy.

ANASTASIA

Why are you not understanding? I am not interested. I have a boyfriend. You are creepy.

DENNIS

You just need time. You're confused. It's probably a very intimidating thing. Few women know what to do when they are in the presence of such sexual power. You don't know what to do. But you'll learn. And I'll be here when you are ready.

ANASTASIA

Please don't. Please leave. I will call campus security if I must.

One of Anastasia's co-workers, a guy about her age, walks over.

CO-WORKER

Is everything OK here?

ANASTASIA

He's just leaving.

Dennis stands up and looks the guy over.

DENNIS

You see, Anastasia, you are used to guys like this. Weak. Worthless. Boys, completely lacking in masculinity. You've come to doubt that it's possible that any man could possess you in the way all women want to be. And then you met me.

ANASTASIA

Good-bye, Dennis.

DENNIS

I'll go. You're not ready. But I'll be back.

ANASTASIA

No, you won't be. Go away.

DENNIS

Until later...

Dennis leaves. Anastasia and her co-worker stare in puzzlement.

CO-WORKER

What an asshole.

INT - DEE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Dee and Frank are hard at work on their novels, though now they are each working on their own laptops. Frank seems to be writing very rapidly, and is throughly enjoying himself. Dee appears to be struggling.

FRANK

This is some hot shit I'm writing over here!

DEE

Well, I'm not, and I'd appreciate a little quiet so I can concentrate.

FRANK

You just wish that you'd taken my advice. You'd have your book written by now.

DEE

I doubt that.

Charlie and Mac enter the apartment, which pleases Frank but annoys Dee.

DEE

What are you two doing here?

MAC

We wanted to see how the book is coming along.

DEE

We aren't working together anymore. We've decided to work on our own projects.

FRANK

Yeah, hers is boring and mine is hot as hell.

MAC

(to Frank)

What's your novel called?

FRANK

It's called "Banged By The Billionaire."

MAC

That's awesome!

FRANK

It's about a really hot chick named Melonie Melons.

MAC

I love that name! It lets you know she's got great big cans!

DEE

(exasperated)

Great. There's some great literary criticism right there.

MAC

What's the guy's name?

FRANK

Harry Hungwell.

MAC

Oh, 'cause he's got a big dick?

FRANK

A real monster dong!

MAC

What does his dong look like? It is long and straight, or curved? Is he circumsized? Is it all veiny? Does he have really big balls, and does he keep them shaved? This is all very important stuff, Frank. The reader's gotta know.

FRANK

I haven't really thought much about his dick...

MAC

Well, I'll help you out.

FRANK

Wanna work with me?

MAC

Hell yeah!

FRANK

Yeah, this is gonna work much better. I think we're on the same wavelength here.

DEE

No, you probably aren't.

MAC

Let's go back to my place to write, Frank. We have to get to work.

Frank packs up his laptop and they start to leave.

MAC

So about his dick...How long are we talking about? 8 inches? 9? More? And is it girthy? Length is fine, but you gotta have girth...

FRANK

How about this: I concentrate on the chick, you concentrate on the dude.

MAC

That's fine with me. The less I have to think about a woman, the better.

They leave. Dee scoffs.

CHARLIE

Dee, can I talk to you for a moment?

DEE

I'm busy, Charlie...

CHARLIE

You haven't actually written a word while I've been here, Dee. You've just been watching your own YouTube videos over and over.

DEE

OK, I guess I could use a break. What is it?

CHARLIE

Well, I mean, you're one of the few women who will talk to me, or who doesn't have a restraining order against me.

DEE

Yeah, that is true.

CHARLIE

So I tried Dennis' advice, and I tried to be all dominant towards the Waitress and everything...

DEE

How did you try to be "dominant", Charlie?

CHARLIE

Well, mostly, I yelled at her...

DEE

That's not being "dominant", Charlie. That's just being an asshole.

CHARLIE

I just don't know what she wants, Dee. I mean, it's been, what, ten years? And the farthest I've ever gotten is that she's dropped the distance I have to be away from her in the restraining order from 100 to 50 feet.

DEE

Well, Charlie, maybe that's not what she wants.

CHARLIE

Dennis said that women want to be dominated...

DEE

Some women, maybe. But definitely not all women. I, for one, prefer to be in charge in a relationship. I like to be dominant.

CHARLIE

Hmm, well, I don't know if I believe that, but you are making me wonder. Do you think that The Waitress might be dominant?

DEE

Perhaps, Charlie. Maybe if you let her know that you'll do whatever you want for her, whatever she tells you to do, she'll find you more interesting.

CHARLIE

Just let her walk all over me?

DEE

Yeah. Dennis is wrong. Women don't like men who tell them what to do. They like men who do what they say.

She pauses, then smiles broadly.

DEE

Oh, Charlie, that's it! That's the key.

CHARLIE

(taken aback)

What are you talking about?

DEE

My novel! I've been doing it wrong! I've been writing a novel about a woman submitting to a man, because that's what I thought people want to read. But I'm going to wrong way. The woman should be dominating the man!

CHARLIE

You mean like tying him up?

DEE

Well, that, but she should be in total charge of the relationship. Now I just need a new title. What should it be?

CHARLIE

How about "He's The Bitch?"

DEE

Hmm, that's a little crude...I'm thinking more like "Under Her Thumb."

CHARLIE

Well, that's not as good as mine, but I'm glad I could help. And I'll take your advice. I'll let The Waitress tell me exactly what to do.

DEE

Yeah, Charlie. Debase yourself to her. Grovel in front of her like the worm you are. She'll love that.

CHARLIE

It's gotta work better than yelling at her did. Dennis doesn't know shit.

DEE

Oh, I totally agree with you there, Charlie.

EXT - PENN CAMPUS - NIGHT

Anastasia is walking on the campus of Penn, alone. She is being vigilant, but she doesn't seem particularly worried - until she hears a noise from the bushes alongside her. At that point, she stops, looks in the direction of the sound, and starts to reach in her purse for something.

ANASTASIA

Who's there?

Dennis emerges from the bushes.

DENNIS

It is I, dear Anastasia.

ANASTASIA

(quite disturbed)

Are you following me? Don't come any closer to me!

DENNIS

I am always watching you, Anastasia. I will always be there, always watching you. You're already mine, Anastasia. Even if you are not ready to admit it yet.

ANASTASIA

I'm not interested in knowing you at all. I will call the campus police if you take one step closer.

DENNIS

Oh, Anastasia. You don't need to be so afraid. I know my sexual power can be quite intimidating, especially to someone who has never been in the presence of a real man, but...

Anastasia gets something out of her purse.

DENNIS

Oh, pepper spray, is it? That's not enough to keep you from your destiny...

Anastasia sprays Dennis full in the face and runs away. Dennis stays back, howling in pain.

DENNIS

Goddammit! (Yelling at Anastasia) You won't...oh my God, this stings...you won't...holy shit, it's in my eyes...get away so easily!

INT-COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Charlie enters the coffee shop. The Waitress sees him and is immediately disgusted.

THE WAITRESS

Charlie, you have to go...

Charlie immediately falls to his knees in front of her.

CHARLIE

I am at your command, my mistress. Do with me what you will. I am your plaything.

THE WAITRESS

(very disturbed)

What the hell is this, Charlie?

CHARLIE

Well, you didn't want to submit to me. So you must want to dominate me.

THE WAITRESS

I don't want to do either!

CHARLIE

I will do anything you command me to.

THE WAITRESS

Anything? Really?

CHARLIE

Anything. Even butt stuff.

THE WAITRESS

OK. Get the hell out of here and never bother me again.

CHARLIE

(after a pause, looking perplexed)

I don't think it works like that...

THE WAITRESS

You have no idea how any of this works, Charlie.

CHARLIE

Well, what should I do?

THE WAITRESS

You should figure out that I don't want to be with you, Charlie.

CHARLIE

But Dee said women like it when a guy grovels...

THE WAITRESS

Oh, you're taking advice from Dee now, huh? She's as bad at this as Dennis is.

CHARLIE

(very confused)

I gotta think about this...I don't know anymore...

Charlie wanders off, muttering to himself. As before, everyone looks perplexed.

INT-PADDY'S PUB-DAY

Dennis is sitting at the bar, with puffy eyes. He is sipping beer. Mac comes in.

MAC

Oh, what happened to your eyes?

DENNIS

Oh, nothing. I ran into a door.

MAC

No, that's pepper spray. I remember that from the last girl you stalked. I thought you were immune to that shit by now.

DENNIS

I think it's some new kind. I haven't built up a resistance to this yet. And it wasn't stalking, it was seduction.

MAC

So what are you going to do now?

DENNIS

Anastasia is a mere girl, not worthy of my passion.

MAC

Did she get a restraining order?

DENNIS

Her boyfriend is on the football team. He called me and told me he'd break my legs if I came near her again.

MAC

Oh wow. But it's Penn's football team, so how tough could he be?

DENNIS

True. But it's not worth it. There are far better targets for me. So how's the book coming?

MAC

Oh, Frank told me he didn't want me to help him. He said it didn't match the tone he wanted for the book.

DENNIS

You wrote a bunch of stuff about the main guy's cock that he didn't want to put in it, didn't you?

MAC

It was all vital to the plot...

DENNIS

Uh-huh.

Dee comes in, holding a letter, looking upset.

DEE

This is the tenth publisher who's rejected my novel! What the hell?

DENNIS

You're already submitting that thing to publishers? It can't be nearly done.

DEE

Well, you send them a sample chapter, to see if they'll bite.

MAC

I told you no one would publish that piece of shit.

DEE

I'm not letting this get me down. I'll finish it, and I'll show you all!

Charlie comes in, looking distraught.

MAC

What's wrong, buddy?

CHARLIE

I tried Dennis' advice and tried to show the Waitress I can be dominant, and it didn't work. And then I tried Dee's advice to be submissive to her, and that didn't work either. So I don't know what to do now.

DENNIS

You didn't commit to it, Charlie. It's hard, letting your masculinity fully manifest itself. It may be a while before it works for you.

CHARLIE

Maybe I should just be myself.

DEE

No, don't do that.

MAC

Yeah, definitely don't do that.

DENNIS

That's a terrible idea.

Frank charges into the bar, very excited.

FRANK

Turn on the news! Something big's about to come on!

MAC

You seem happy...

FRANK

Oh, yes. I sold my book!

DEE

(stunned)

What the hell, already?

FRANK

Oh yes. I sent off a sample chapter and they loved it. I knocked off the rest of it in a couple of days. Writing this shit is easy.

DEE

Why would they think women would want to read a book written by an old, ugly fat guy?

FRANK

Well, I found a front.

MAC

A front?

FRANK

Yeah. Someone to pose as the author. Had to cut her in 25%, but it's worth it.

DENNIS

Who's this "front"?

Frank grabs the remote for the TV.

FRANK

You'll see.

Peppy music plays and we see a news show coming on the TV.

ANCHORMAN

And we're back. It's the new literary sensation sweeping the nation. A book so hot it makes "50 Shades of Grey" sound like a nursery rhyme. It's the new bestselling book "Banged by the Billionaire", and we are joined by its author, Artemis DuBois.

The camera switches to see Artemis sitting across from him, holding a copy of the book.

ARTEMIS

I'm so happy to be here...

Cut back to the bar, where Frank is overjoyed, but the rest of The Gang is dumbfounded.

ANCHORMAN

So what was your inspiration for this book?

ARTEMIS

Well, I thought about what a woman really wants in a man. What are we looking for? What is our greatest desire? And it came to me. It's to be banged by a billionaire.

Cut back to Dee, who looks completely crestfallen.

DEE

Goddammit...

Jump to black.

THE END