Summary: All Mia really wants is to make her mother and daughter proud, to belong among her peers... But you know what they say; be careful what you wish for. Because now that she's finally on track to be popular, she doesn't know if it was worth the price she paid.
Genres: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Angst
Spoilers: Mostly season 8's two-part episode "Uptown Girl", but also references prior episodes about Mia
Warnings: Contains adult themes, referencing sexual situations implied to not be entirely consensual. Do not read if this could be triggering for you!
Author's Notes: This is an introspective piece of what was going through Mia's head after the events of "Uptown Girl", perhaps taking a different look at her actions, motivations and emotions throughout and afterwards. Now, I gathered that a lot of people apparently don't like - or even outright loathed Mia, but although I can kinda see why her storyline in S8 with the whole modeling thing may have turned a lot of people against her, I must say she's actually one of my absolute favorite characters on Degrassi. I guess, she kinda fascinates me as in my opinion there's more to her than just a need for/obsession with attention or simple shallowness people seem to read into her.
Anyways, this whole oneshot was written in one fell swoop - in under forty minutes actually, so I'm admittedly not entirely sure how well it turned out... However, I do hope those who read it will like it! :)

Point of No Return

For the past four years, ever since she'd had a child at the tender age of thirteen, Mia had struggled so hard. To be a good mother for Izzy. To make her own mother proud. And, admittedly more than anything else, to fit in with her peers and have friends again. She had struggled so hard to have a normal life, to be a normal teenager. Since she'd had her daughter she had felt so alone, so lonely... Even after she had transfered to Degrassi. Sure, there had been JT, for a brief while at least. Manny had been somewhat welcoming and supportive, too. Then there had been her brief reconcilation with Lucas. But for the most part she had been left out at the sidelines, on her own just like she had been the last three years at Lakehurst. When she had first started attending Degrassi she had even been barred from joining the Spirit Squad, all because Darcy hadn't wanted a teen mom on the team, apparently thinking it would tarnish the reputation of the whole squad... And even when she had finally been given the chance to be a cheerleader, she still had struggled to make actual friends. Then again, it hardly surprised her and in a way she couldn't really blame anyone - well, perhaps with the exception of Holly J Sinclair, who was just generally enjoying to put others down. After all, it wasn't like she could just spontaneously decide to go shopping after school or go to the movies like other teens, let alone go out even on the weekend and party, or even so much as have a sleepover with friends. She had too many other responsibilities. She had to put Izzy first, she couldn't afford another slip-up like the incident when she had inadvertently taken Izzy to a party Lucas had thrown when they had been supposed to meet up for some quality family time.

But this year had been supposed to be different. All thanks to her mother, her mother's generous offer to help her out with Izzy. This year was supposed to finally be her year! And it had started so great... She had been able to rejoin the Spirit Squad - or well, actually it was the Power Squad now, but what did the name really matter, right? Important was that she was part of it. Then at the school's fashion show she had managed to upstage no other than her nemesis Holly J, who had tried to make her miserable ever since Degrassi and Lakehurst had been merged into one school. And to make it all even better - perfect even, she had then been scouted by an actual agent from one of the biggest modeling agencies in Toronto!

Finally it had seemed like she could have all the things she had wanted for what felt like ages. Finally she was going to amount to something. She would be known for something other than having the questionable infamy of being a teenage mom. She won't be just Mama Mia anymore. Finally she would be able to make her mother proud. To make Izzy proud. She would be a model, have a career. She would have friends again, and perhaps she would at long last even be popular. She needed this!

And then she had screwed up... Big time.

In her own defense, she had to acknowledge that, despite having needed to grow up much sooner than her peers due to her additional responsibilities as a mother, she ultimately still was a teenager and a bit naive. Actually, in hindsight probably even a lot. And more to the point, like all teens - perhaps even more so than others after the past few years of isolation, she desperately wanted to belong. Modeling had seemed like the best way to achieve that. In addition, young or not, she had been quite aware that this modeling gig was a rare opportunity, one she probably wouldn't get again - and she hadn't wanted to miss out on this amazing chance. So, when she had apparently totally messed up the casting for the T-Bombz campaign - her seemingly last chance to get booked or else lose her agent, she had simply panicked. Holly J's taunts had only exacerbated her concerns. And before she even realized it, or could have paused to think the whole thing through, she had already called Tom Blake and was making her way up to his loft, knocking on his door.

Yet even as she told him she was okay with it, that she wanted to do this, she had felt a whole different kind of panic rise within her. All she had really wanted in that moment was to push him away, to turn and run. To get out of there as fast as her legs could carry her! So what if that would cost her the job!? To hell with being a model then! She might admittedly want to be a model, but it wasn't worth this! It wasn't worth having to cast aside her morals and practically sell herself - her actual body, like some hooker for it...

But she hadn't run.

Instead she had let Tom lead her upstairs to his bedroom. She had let him continue kissing her. She had let him take off her clothes. She had let him touch her all over. She had let him pull her down onto his bed. Down onto him. She had followed his lead. She had acquiesced to his wishes, she had done what he wanted her to do. Admittedly, she had done and had let him do anything he had wanted, all he asked of her. Just like that model at the casting had implied was common practice among models to get work... It had been the longest hour of her life, and she had utterly hated every single second of it! It had been the worst and most degrading experience she had ever gone through, that she'd ever had to endure in her entire life. When it was finally over, when he had finally been satisfied she had been beyond relieved that it was done, just wanting to get away from all this. As soon as he had left the room to get something to drink or whatever, she had gathered her clothes and got dressed as fast as possible. All the while struggling - fighting to keep herself together. To not break down in tears. Already there and then, as she had hurried to get out of there as fast as she could, she had sworn to herself she would never do something like this ever again, knowing what a terrible mistake this had been. A mistake she already knew she likely won't be able to forgive herself for making.

It had only been once she had gotten home, when she had been holding her beloved little daughter in her arms, that she had finally allowed the mask to slip away and the tears to break free. She had never in her entire life felt so ashamed of herself - dirty. Not even back when she had been faced with the backlash of everyone knowing that she was pregnant. The whispers and even outright insults back then had been nothing compared to what this made her feel like. Despite nobody else even knowing about it, she now felt as if not even all the water and soap in the world would ever make her feel clean again. And for the first time in years, for the first time since her dad had died when she had been ten, she had actually cried herself to sleep that night, all the while trying not to wake Izzy up.

When she got the call that she had the job, Mia tried to tell herself that it had been worth it. Once again she reiterated to herself that this had been a onetime thing. She would never again sleep with someone, or perform other sexual favors for that matter, just to get a job or otherwise get ahead! Never. But all her attempts to reassure herself did nothing to make her feel any better.

Yet despite all her resolve, all her commitment and good intentions, she had let Tom talk her into going to his party. Admittedly she had hoped that, with Leia coming with her, she could avoid facing another situation like the night before. She should have left the party with her new friend. Despite her claims to the contrary, she had wanted to leave with Leia. More than anything else in the world! But as terrified as she had been of where this night, this so-called party would go if she stayed, in a way she had been even more scared of leaving and angering Tom - of risking to lose the T-Bombz job after all. Because losing the job would mean she would have done those things the night before for nothing.

She hated herself for staying, for breaking the promise she had made to herself. Which was really why she lashed out at Leia, because Leia's judgement made her only feel so much worse. So utterly dirty. It made her wish she could go back in time and undo what had happened, or that perhaps she could just disappear altogether. And admittedly, she was also jealous of Leia, because she had been able to just leave, without any potential repercussions whatsoever. Unlike her.

Still, the worst part came later that day, when she arrived at the photoshoot and her agent told her the truth. When she told her that, despite her mishaps during the casting, the job had been her's all along. When she realized that Tom Blake had taken advantage of her, of her insecurities - her inexperience as model.

As she left the studio, after the photoshoot - after having confronted Tom, she nonetheless somehow managed to carry herself with confidence, perfectly put together. She even managed to smile at the people she passed on her way out. But beneath that facade she felt as if she might very well break down any second.

Outside Mia flagged down a cab. She got in and gave the driver her address. As soon as they started driving the smile faded from her lips and leaning her head against the cool glass of the window beside her she let her eyes fall shut, hoping to stave off her fast approaching emotional breakdown for just a little longer. All she wanted was to get home and spend about at least a week locked in the bathroom with the shower's scalding hot water and mountains of shampoo and soap washing away the shame and guilt consuming her. To throw on some comfy track pants and a sweater and curl up in her darkened room and never come out again. She wanted to cuddle her sweet, lovely Izzy - the only person who just loved her the way she was with no expectations other than being cared for and loved in return, and forget all about everyone else. Yet, at the same time, she almost dreaded getting home, dreaded to face her mother, who was bound to realize that despite the fact that she had scored the modeling gig that she had wanted so much, she was far from happy about it. That something was wrong. Truthfully, a part of her wished she could tell her mother what had happened, for her mother to take her into her arms and comfort her, telling her it was okay, or at least would be okay. However, how could she possibly do that - how could she possibly ever tell her mom, after how proud she had been of her when she had told her that she had gotten the T-Bombz job? It already made her feel bad enough, actually almost physically sick, to think back to her mother's excitement and congratulations over her success. Knowing how utterly disappointed and ashamed her mom would be of her now, if she were to know what she had done out of desperation to get the job.

No, she just couldn't tell her mother. Or anyone else for that matter, really. Sure, once the initial anger and shock would start to dissipate, perhaps at least her mother would actually try to be understanding, to be there for her even though she had really screwed up this time. Maybe her mother would tell her that she was still young and therefore bound to make mistakes... But more likely her mom would insist that she would give up modeling. And if Mia was honest, a part of her almost wanted to do just that - to give up modeling, to give up being part of this horrid, superficial world so she won't end up in a situation like that ever again, so she won't ever feel forced to do anything like that again... However, in the end she knew she couldn't do that, she couldn't just quit, not after what she had done for the sake of getting this job.

As hard as it was, she had put on a brave face, had faked another happy smile - and didn't tell her mother anything. She would keep her shameful actions secret. She wouldn't burden her mother with this just for the sake of being comforted over having been so stupid. She would simply have to do her best to cope with this by herself, to try and at least find a small fraction of solace in the knowledge that she would never make a mistake like this again. Not ever. She would never again stoop to a place like that. Never again would she allow someone to take advantage of her like that! Because she definitely had learned her lesson... Even though it was a lesson she sure as hell could have done without.

Still, knowing she won't have to go through this again, that eventually all this would be nothing but a bad - no, an awful memory, was only a small comfort in light of what had happened. In light of what she had forced herself to do. And if she was honest with herself, she doubted that her newfound popularity could ever possibly make up for the price it had cost her. She knew it couldn't be enough.

She had spent another two nights alternating between crying, unable to sleep, and tossing and turning fitfully whenever she had managed to briefly doze off, haunted by her nightmares. In between, at school, she had seemingly relished her new place among the in-crowd. She had pretended to be completely unfazed when Danny had confronted her after Leia had apparently - obviously - spilled her secret. At home she kept on smiling, pretending she was fine.

However, standing there in the bathroom at home after yet another restless night, staring at her own reflection in the mirror, she knew without a doubt that in the end nothing would be enough to make this ever alright again, enough to make her feel truly okay again. Unfortunately, nothing would ever erase those two nights from her memory. Nothing would erase this hollow feeling within her, or erase the shame that threatened to swallow her whole. Had it even been worth all this, to feel so horribly low and empty? Had being popular really been worth what she had sacrificed? Had it really been worth giving up her integrity, her moral beliefs? Had it been worth having needed to even sacrifice a part of herself? Because that was what it felt like; like she had lost a part of herself, something she could never get back no matter how hard she might try... Already that first night at Tom's apartment she had felt as if with every awful second that passed, with every kiss, every touch she had forced herself to let happen, she was being stripped - robbed of her dignity, of her innocence. Then, as she had forced herself to stay at that horrid party, she had known she was sacrificing even the last shreds of what had been left of that innocent part of her. ... No, probably it hadn't been worth it - hell, deep down she knew it absolutely hadn't been worth any of it! And the worst part was, if anyone ever found out - if Leia or Danny ever told someone else, she would lose everything and all of it would've been for nothing! Not only would she lose the friends she had finally made; if the truth got out the whole school would undoubtedly turn against her. They would look at her and be disgusted, seeing nothing but some cheap slut who would do anything just for attention, or to get ahead in life. They would never understand - nobody would, they won't even bother trying. Her mother would be so ashamed of her. And, of course, there was Izzy... She had wanted to live up to the perfect image her daughter saw in her, she had wanted to be a worthy rolemodel for her, but how could her mother or daughter ever forgive her - or even so much as look at her again, if they ever found out!? Yet even worse still, what if word about what she had done somehow got back to children's services? This time they would take Izzy from her for sure, after all, since Lucas's party she still only had provisional custody, contingent on her being a responsible parent for her daughter, she couldn't afford another screw up!

And she knew, no matter how utterly horrible she felt right now, it would be nothing compared to what it would do to her if her secret ever got out. If she were faced with the consequences of anyone else knowing... It would destroy her.

Mia knew there were mistakes you could fix, mistakes that you could atone for. Where the wounds your actions caused would eventually heal. This was definitely not one of them. No, this time there was no going back. She had gone way past the point of no return, way past her own breaking point, and she wasn't sure how she was supposed to ever come back from this, how she was supposed to ever truly fix the damage those two nights had left within her. Or if it even could ever be fixed at all... But that was solely her own problem, it was all her own fault. She had gotten herself into this mess after all, she had been so stupid - so foolish and naive to go down that road. Now she would have to just suck it up and live with it. With herself. And so, with her gaze still transfixed upon her reflection, she blinked back the tears threatening to break free again.

As she swallowed against the lump in her throat, taking a shaking breath and trying her best to force away the overwhelming feelings of regret, guilt and shame - of self-loathing burning within her, Mia tugged away a loose strand of her hair and forced a smile onto her lips. She spared herself one final glance in the mirror and then turned sharply to leave the bathroom, leaving before she could end up being late for school again. More importantly, before she could end up truly breaking down...

She knew for her nothing would ever truly be the same again, she would never be the same again... But as she hugged her mother and kissed Izzy goodbye for the day, Mia was once again keeping herself perfectly put together. Even if it was all just an act, a mask she showcased to hide the bitter, awful truth. She knew that at least to them she still looked and seemed to be just the same as before. They still looked at her with loving eyes. It was a small comfort, really the only thing that kept her from tearing apart at the seams. The knowledge that they had no idea of the demons haunting her now, eating away at her. The fact that they had no idea how she truly felt now, that on the inside she felt as if part of her had died. And for their sake - for Izzy, she would make sure it stayed that way! She would keep pretending that she still was the same girl, the good daughter and dedicated mother. She would bury what had happened, deep within her. She won't let them find out what she had done, never would they know of her disgraceful, shameful deeds. No matter the toll it would take on her to go through this all by herself she would do it.

Somehow.

~oOo Fin oOo~

Author's Notes: Thanks for taking the time to read! I hope you liked it. :) Feedback would be very much appreciated, so it would be great if you could take a minute to share your thoughts.