(I know that I already posted the chapter but his 2 words were missing on the end which just couldn't be left out.)

This is Edward's diary.

It's a companion fanfic to „A new Cullen Family".

This first chapter is after Bella's birthday party.

Edward is making a crucial decision.

If you ask me, Edward is a very complex character, putting Bella's happiness infront of his own. He is very torn between everything.

Especially in this chapter.

I hope you enjoy it.

I am so sorry for putting "Babysitting Bella" on hold. But I just don't want to write a crappy second chapter, I want to make it real good.

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September 13th

Dear Diary,

All I have written about is Bella. She is my life, she has become a part of myself, my being and existence. When I breathe, I breathe for her, when I look up into the sky, I see the stars, and just that many stars and so much more is how much I love her.

I don't even think "Love " is the proper word. Loving somebody means that you're so close to somebody that there's no space left between you to fill out, but we're not close. We are not standing next to each other, we are each other. At least she is me. She is my happiness, my soul, my Everything. When I look at her, I see all those little things I love about her. It takes a strong person to give yourself up to somebody completely, I am not that person. I love her sooo much, it hurts. The only thing I know is; I want to be with her.

BUT, Loving somebody truly means putting their happiness and wellbeing over your own. She is human. She will find happiness, but I can't see her getting hurt any more because of me. I want her to have everything she has ever dreamed of. I want her to be with the best person in the entire world. It's not me. I will love her forever. That's out of question, but I am not good for her. She is the only thing that makes sense in my life. When Jasper nearly attacked her, I wished I could have done something to prevent it. Jasper wasn't to blame. I want to be with her so much, I wish there was something I could have given in order to make her safe, even if it was myself.

Today has been the hardest day of my entire life. My decision is clear. I am going to leave her. It's what's best for her. I love her too much to let anybody hurt her, even if it meant protecting her from myself. A clean break, whatever. I can't think about it.

In order to make her safe, I'll have to hurt her, one more time and never again.

Bella was a fragile human. She would get over it, get over me. Every moment I spend thinking about leaving her, this hole inside myself is enlargening.

I talked with Carlisle and he understood. Esme and Alice weren't supportive, but they respected my decision.

Why?

It's a simple question but there aren't any answers. If there existed a god, WHY would he do this to me?

All of me was tearing up, just everything. There was this one side of me which selfishly wanted to be with Bella, whatever may come and then there was this other side of me which knew that there was a decision to make and it better be the right one. Making the right decision is never the easy one. In order to do the right I had to make sacrifices. Making sacrifices was hard, but nothing was hard enough to make Bella safe, to keep her safe.

I never was the type for crying when I was human, but right now, I wish I could.

Crying was supposed to be a relief, I wanted this relief. I couldn't stay with Bella, I would just be hazardous to her safety. I hated myself for going to leave her, but I would have hated myself much more if I put my selfish desire of wanting to be with her in front of her wellbeing.

I love Bella more than my own life.

She is my priority.

Giving her the chance of a normal life was all I had left to give her. She would grow up to be an amazing person and one day she would find somebody, some man and be happy. She would live in an adorable house with him, marry him and have children. Just like it was supposed to be. I wish it were me, the man marrying her giving himself to her, having a child together with her. All those things were attributes of a normal life. She deserved it, so much. I couldn't give that to her, so I am deciding to giver the chance to it.

Why can't it be me? I want it to be me. I can't put her in danger. I can't damn her to my world. My existence isn't supposed to be, why then am I suffering. If there is a god, then this is his way of punishing me for being what I am; something that should never have come to existence in the very first place. I was hurting and all this pain drew my heart apart, the pain separated it into pieces. It didn't shatter, that would have been easy, no; this was slow. If somebody kills you, you wish they shoot you right away so the pain will stop, if you're lucky they'll shot you in the head and everything is over in a second. If you're not lucky they'll torture you, they will make you die slowly, real slow, crucifying you for all your sins. I wish I would have been shot, but this is torture, it's slow and painful. Every cell in my body is dying at such a slow pace, I shouldn't feel it.

I won't go to the Volturi, that would be getting shot. Besides, I know that Bella wouldn't want me to die. I didn't know how much she loved me, but if I killed myself, she would blame herself and suffer, so I was going to carry on my existence, even if it meant enduring the torture, the pain, the "before" of what was going to come.

It was only fair; maybe it was the punishment for hurting Bella.

I can't take it. This is guilt, this … I can't describe it. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel anything. Only a night ago, I was making love to her. Now, I was running away like a coward, this doesn't make sense, none of it does.

Why do I keep repeating myself over and over again?

Why are there so many questions with nobody to answer them?

This is pure misery.

When I look at the moon, it's as big as my thumb, not more or less. Will it be the same size when I'm somewhere else? When I'm away from her.

I wanted to marry Bella one day. I wish my birth parents could have met her, they would have been so proud. I was planning on taking her some day there. Carlisle and Esme were my family but I wanted Bella to know everything about me, I wanted to share with her my past from the beginning. By leaving Bella, I was not only taking her from me, I was taking her away from my family, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Carlisle and Emmett.

My birth mother always wished for me to meet a nice girl, Bella was this girl. I didn't want Bella to meet my birth parents, or better said, their graves because I wanted it for me, I wanted to take her there because I knew if they would live right now, they would be proud of me. It would make them happy.

I imagined her to take her to my parents' grave some day. I imagined introducing her to them. Carlisle had ensured that after their death they were buried in a grave.

Every now and then I would visit it, it never was more than a few minutes, but I felt it was necessary to pay my respects to them. Not out of duty, or pure respect, but because they were my parents. I always brought flowers, red roses. They were my mother's favourites. She always loved the contradiction of something simple like roses. They were beautiful on the outside, but if you weren't careful you could be hurt. Those few minutes I spent at my parents' graves were a part of me, my innermost. I wanted her to also be a part of this.

This was only one thing I had planned out. It was one of hundreds. All those plans were drowned by the tears to come. I understood that I had to be punished for what I had done to Bella and was going to do tomorrow, but it never had been my intention to hurt anybody. Bella was the first thing I ever wanted in my life and I thought it was all right if I took it. But she wasn't mine to take. Yet, I have never felt this miserable in my entire existence. What was lying ahead? Why couldn't anybody tell me what the future was going to bring? Was it the right decision to let Bella go? Was she going to be happy? How long was it going to take her to overcome my departure?

I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but in the end, I was only a 17-year old guy who was trying to do the right thing, once again.

I am ready. It's a lie, but I'll have to lie to myself, otherwise I won't make it.

I have to, there's no other choice. If there was a way for me to exist without hurting anybody, I'd be glad to walk down this path.

Maybe even that was too selfish. Maybe my sole purpose was to suffer and hurt people in order for them to see all the evil in the world.

Ok, now I am not making any sense any more. I have to go hunting, clear my mind, even if I don't deserve it. I need to talk with Carlisle. Maybe he can help me to make some sense out of this, not for my sake, but for Bella's.

Just right now, I realized, I'll never be able to say the words to her again. 8 Letters, 3 words.

Tomorrow, I wouldn't say them, and after that there was no "Us", there was no future, there was just black.

This is suffocating me,

Edward A. Cullen

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If you liked this chapter please review. I want to hear your thoughts.

Should I continue the story?

If I continue "Edward's Diary" every review gets a teaser.

I do not know when and if I'll post the next chapter because I'm currently drowning in school work, but if you guys like the diary I will continue it. Promise.

As always, let me hear your thoughts. Don't hesitate to PM me if there's some diary entry you'd like to read, I'll try to write it.