listen y'all, this had to be done. it's for the greater good.
-"I don't need protection."
-"It's not your decision. That the captain's office? I'll be needing it."
Amanda watches carefully as Olivia's posture goes rigid during her exchange with Declan Murphy, the brunette is obviously unsatisfied with the current change of command. It's more than that, though, and Amanda knows that every single nerve ending Olivia has is alight with fear and anxiety, all of which is being converted into her combative attitude. The brunette's carefully built walls have been on a shaky foundation since Lewis, and it's no surprise that they're crumbling with the same fervor with which Olivia is trying to rebuild them.
"Liv," Amanda tries, reaching out for the older detective's forearm as the rest of the squad room becomes a whirlwind of phone calls, papers, and an unspoken yet desperate energy.
Olivia doesn't respond, instead opting to shake off the blonde's grip and turning on her heel. Amanda knows it's an effort at escape, knows that Olivia's tedious grip on sanity is loosening with each second – she's honestly surprised the brunette hasn't succumbed to her emotions already.
The aftermath of Olivia's abduction was one of the hardest things Amanda had witnessed, and her own participation in Olivia's coping had been something that nearly swallowed her whole. Countless nightmares, panic attacks, and late nights had made up most of the months following Olivia's return, and Amanda lost count of the times she had held Olivia's weight in her arms in an effort to keep the woman from crumbling under the weight of it all.
Somehow, here they were again.
Amanda's eyes track over Olivia's back as she makes a beeline out of the room, nervously biting the inside of her cheek as she debates whether or not to go after the other detective.
As if there was any other choice.
The blonde locks eyes with Nick as she pushes off the table and he stops her in the doorway.
"Should I go check on her?" he asks, "This can't end well for her, no matter what happens. You know that."
Amanda knows he's worried – they all are. She knows he's right about the situation as well, the damage to Olivia has already been done for the second time and there's absolutely nothing to do but hold on for whatever comes next.
The blonde detective shakes her head, patting Nick's shoulder as she moves past him, "Don't worry about it, I'm going to go find her. You focus on making sure the next time she sees Lewis he's in a body bag."
Nick nods, both him and Fin having become well aware that Amanda is likely the only thing keeping his partner from completely shattering.
It doesn't take long for Amanda to figure out where Olivia decided to escape to – they may be New York's finest but there's only so many places to go in the small precinct. The blonde jiggles the door to the bathroom, and it's not surprise that it's been locked. Amanda can't hear anything really from her position, but she knows Olivia well enough to know that the brunette detective is on the other side.
"Olivia," Amanda knocks softly, trying to keep her tone as gentle as possible despite the growing urge to just kick in the door, "Olivia please open up, it's just me. Nobody else."
The blonde hears the soft rustling of movement on the other side of the door, but no sound of the lock disengaging follows.
Amanda releases a deep sigh, "Please Liv. I know you want to be alone, but please, for me – I need to know you're alright."
She waits a moment with baited breath, only feeling slightly guilty for appealing to Olivia's own feelings for her. Amanda knows Olivia's need to keep others from any type of pain will override her own desire to block out the world.
Click.
Amanda releases the breath she'd been holding, relieved to find the door open when she tries once more to turn the knob. The younger detective doesn't hesitate as she slides into the small room before swiftly turning around to close and lock the door once more.
Her eyes naturally seek out Olivia once she moves to face the other woman, and Amanda feels her stomach drop. Normally bright, warm, brown eyes are nearly empty and filled with tears. Olivia is trying desperately to keep her lip from quivering, though she's unable to hide the tremor in her shoulders. Amanda closes the distance between them in a few steps, her own hands grasping Olivia's shaking ones as she squeezes lightly in an attempt to comfort the brunette.
"Liv," Amanda whispers, ducking her head to get a better look at the woman's face.
Olivia whimpers softly, an uncharacteristic slip that Amanda knows is coming from deep rooted terror. The older detective looks away for a second before resting her head against the wall, eyes screwed shut. Amanda removes one of her hands from Olivia's now tightened grip and carefully runs the back of her hand down Olivia's cheek, her thumb wiping away a couple of tears that manage to fall. She rests her hand on the brunette's neck and begins a soothing back and forth motion on Olivia's jaw while fingers softly tangle in the hair at the base of her neck.
"Olivia, we're going to find him."
Amanda knows better than to say his name, knows better than to make it any easier for him to invade Olivia's thoughts. She knows that it may be of little use at this point anyway, Olivia is obviously fighting against his unwelcome intrusion already, but Amanda will be damned if she makes it any harder for the woman in front of her.
"Amanda…"
Olivia's voice is rough, barely her own, and the blonde detective feels her heart clench.
"I'm here, Liv," Amanda moves her hand down from the woman's neck and slides it under the side of the bulletproof vest Olivia currently has on.
The brunette detective's breath hitches at the contact, but she finds herself relaxing instantly as Amanda's calming touch comes to rest directly over her racing heart.
Amanda brings her other hand up to her chest, still holding Olivia's own in her grasp, though the shaking has decreased considerably since she first stepped into the bathroom.
The blonde places Olivia's hand on her chest, gently soothing the woman's soft skin as she takes in a deep breath.
"Can you breathe with me, hon?" Amanda asks gently, feeling a bit better when Olivia manages a small nod.
The brunette's free hand comes to rest on Amanda's forearm, and Olivia tightens her grip as they begin to breathe together. Amanda watches carefully for any more signs of distress on Olivia's features as the seconds tick by, hopeful that this will calm the brunette's racing heart despite the quick pace at which Amanda's own is beating.
A few minutes pass and Amanda can feel the improvement, Olivia's breaths are no longer quick and ragged, her heart no longer beating wildly under the blonde's palm. The younger detective removes her hand from Olivia's chest and reverently tucks a few stray strands of dark hair behind the woman's ear.
"Amanda, I'm so afraid," Olivia's broken whisper is choked, "I don't want to be, but I can't – I – I -"
As if saying the words took the life out of her, Olivia's head drops forward then, her forehead resting against Amanda's.
"I know, Liv, I know," the blonde soothes, her hand now resting on the back of Olivia's head, her fingers itching to tuck the woman into her own neck and shield her from everyone and everything.
Olivia opens her eyes after a few seconds, her tanned fingers clenching in Amanda's shirt, "Please…promise you'll stay. Promise you won't leave me."
"I promise," Amanda doesn't miss a beat, and the whispered assurance that she gives is probably the truest that had ever left her mouth.
A few more tears drop down Olivia's barely dry cheeks and she squeezes her eyes shut in an effort to stop it.
"Hey, hey," Amanda soothes, "Talk to me, what just crossed your mind?"
The brunette shakes her head slightly, her jaw clenching and unclenching as she fights herself on what to say and Amanda can only watch, her eyes pleading for Olivia to speak again.
"It's just – him an-and you and this, I can't do it again – I can't think about not seeing you, I can't imagine – I need you, Amanda," the brunette's words are rushed as she chokes on Amanda's name, "I can't lose you, not now, not after everything – I just found you."
Olivia lets out a small sob and it's the blonde's turn to slam her eyes shut, determined not to break while the woman in front of her so desperately needs her. The task proves difficult and Amanda feels it in every corner of her mind. They'd made it this far, through everything that had come between them and now Lewis was threatening to destroy it all, to rob them of everything they had built with one another.
"You'll always have me, Liv," Amanda whispers softly, cupping Olivia's cheek, "No matter what, you'll always have me."
Olivia can't stop the burning of her eyes this time, but the brunette doesn't mind as much as she leans into Amanda's gentle touch. The older detective's eyes are glassy when she opens them again, but Amanda is holding steady, her gaze unwavering and filled with so much love and worry that it nearly sends Olivia spiraling again.
The brunette opens her mouth to say something, but is unable to find the words. Instead, her eyes are drawn back to Amanda's icy blue ones before tracking over the delicate lashes and prominent cheekbones of the woman before her. A wave of indescribable calm and safety washes over her then, and there's no hesitation before she's pressing their lips together, her grip tightening on the blonde detective as if she's the only thing in the universe.
Amanda doesn't think twice before she responds, the hand she has on Olivia's cheek holding the dark-haired woman close as she parts Olivia's lips. Amanda swallows a small whimper that escapes Olivia's throat, her hands coming to rest on the woman's waist as Olivia's tangle in the fabric of the blonde's shirt before sliding up to the detective's slender neck. Amanda's heart races and she pulls Olivia impossibly closer, pouring everything she has into the kiss.
They pull back once, twice, and a third time as the fierceness of the initial contact wanes and morphs instead into something much softer. Amanda claims the brunette's lips tenderly in a couple more chaste kisses before Olivia rests her head against the blonde's cheek.
"It's okay, Liv," Amanda breathes, and she repeats the mantra over and over again, each punctuated with a loving press of her lips – to Olivia's hair, it's okay, below her ear, it's okay, her neck, it's okay, anywhere that Amanda can reach in their position.
It's okay.
Finally, finally, Olivia release a shuddering sigh, her whole body seemingly sagging into the blonde. Amanda gladly adjusts her hold on the woman, her arms wrapping tighter around her waist while the Olivia's slender fingers twist once more into the fabric covering the younger woman's shoulders.
Amanda waits a few moments, content with the comfortable silence that has taken over and the soft, even breaths she feels Olivia release into her neck. She can't help but run her hand over the brunette's back, the knowledge that what lies beneath the rough Kevlar vest is something very fragile doesn't escape her, but Amanda has long accepted that she will protect the woman in her arms with her last breath if need be.
"Are you okay?"
The blonde detective finally works up the nerve to whisper the words – painfully aware that reality still awaits them outside of the small room.
Olivia nods after a few seconds, leaning back a few centimeters in Amanda's embrace to run her hands over her face. Giving Amanda one last watery smile, Olivia gently removes an unshed tear from the corner of the blonde's eye and softly presses her lips to the woman's cheek.
The nightmare that is the presence of William Lewis in her life isn't over, but as Olivia allows herself one last minute to look over the blonde's face and commit Amanda's love-filled features to her mind, she feels for the first time like maybe all is not lost.
"I am now."