[A black-clad Imperial officer - the Imperial Spokesman - walks into view on stage. As he speaks, he walks slowly across stage, and pictures appear next to him, illustrating his speech.]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "Biltrus Flep could have given up when Sand People held a kegger at his moisture farm."

[A photo appears, showing a moisture farm with passed-out Sand People and vaguely phallic sand-castle structures strewed all about it.]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "He could have given up when Jawas sold him an R2 unit with a bad motivator."

[A photo appears, showing an R2 droid punching a Jedi master in the groin with an extendable boxing glove.]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "And no one would have blamed him for giving up when his mother was [pause] bullseyed by a bunch of hicks in their T-16s."

[Cut to video of elderly womp rat hung from flagpole by a hanging wedgie, wearing rainbow clown wig and a bullseye sign that says, "Hit the bullseye, win a prize". Tomatoes are being thrown at her. Cut back to Imperial Spokesman.]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "But instead he fought back. He stopped spending his money at pod races. He took a few classes."

[Photo appears, showing a scraggly womp rat walking up steps of academia.]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "And he made inroads at the Mos Eisley distinguished businessman's association and social club."

[Photo appears, showing a womp rat exiting a cantina with known mafia leaders (such as Jabba the Hutt) covering their faces, cantina girls on each arm.]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "Today he runs the second largest temporary employment agency for bounty hunters and cantina girls in all Tatooine."

[Photo appears, showing a womp rat arguing with Boba Fett, who has carbonite-encased Han Solo on hand trucks.]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "Sure, he's got the death sentence on nine systems, though pending litigation may reduce that to five - "

[Photo appears, showing sign saying "Vote "YES" on prop 17".]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: " - and it's still three less than some other candidates I won't mention."

[Photo appears, showing Cornelius Evazan punching an Ewok in the face.]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "And, you're right, he doesn't have opposable thumbs. And, no, he's not much bigger than two meters."

[Photo appears, showing inspirational poster of womp rat a la Shepard Fairey's "Hope" poster of Barack Obama, but instead titled "Womp".]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "But he's a Harvard graduate. And he's ready to represent you in the Imperial Senate. Because he knows: The Empire Cares."

[Photo appears, showing Imperial campaign slogan, "Vote for The Empire, The Empire Cares".]

IMPERIAL SPOKESMAN: "So vote for Biltrus Flep. And vote for the Empire. You won't right away regret it."

[Imperial Spokesman smiles unnaturally. Voice of Announcer speaks.]

ANNOUNCER: "This ad was paid for by Sith Lords for Senate."

[END SCENE.]