The Mary-Sues of the Lord of the Rings:
A Textbook
By Ian Daley
Introduction:
So, here we gather today to venture deep into the uncharted depths of complete fabrication and outright stupidity. These phenomena are called by some as utter abominations to the art of writing. Others call them Mary-sues. Still others, mostly of the group with an IQ slightly less than that of a bran muffin, call them classic pieces of brilliant literature, only with shorter words and worse spelling.
I hope that this textbook helps all of you as much as it helped me. I needed the therapy of writing this all down. Though therapy is not its only purpose: the word of why sues are bad must spread. It must be known how to identify them, to avoid them, to fix them. That is this textbook's purpose.
Today, we shall embark upon a terrible journey through the wastes of teenage hormones.
Today, we shall see deep into the psyche of many Mary-sues.
Today, many of us will lose our tenuous grips on sanity.
Let us begin.
To begin on our odyssey through the realms of Mary-sues, we must first look at features of Mary-sues. Now, writing Mary-sues in Tolkien's Middle-earth is no new phenomenon, but it has broadened in recent years, and it is no longer possible to describe Mary-sues in a single sentence. So, as an aide for those of you whom are stepping for the first time into the vast, terrifying world of Lord of the Rings fanfiction, some basic guidelines for identifying Mary-sues will be laid down. Pay attention, as this will be on the quiz.
Chapter 1: The Properties of Mary-Sues
Section 1: Sue Physical Features:
The first step in understanding, and therefore avoiding, Mary-sues is to examine their physical attributes. Understanding attributes lends a semblance of comprehension of their psyche. These are some of the more common laws found in Mary-sue fiction throughout the Lord of the Rings demographic.
Sue Eye Laws:
Sue eyes, if standardly colored, cannot be described as blue, green or gray. The author will use bizarre and obscure adjectives (such as cerulean for blue, chartreuse for green and slate for gray).
Sue eye colors cannot be odd colored in the traditional sense (e.g. no Sue will ever have one brown eye and one blue eye). Odd-eyed sues will have 'kewl' colors such as violet, pink, black, some weird adjective in front of gold, or neon anything.
Eyes will, at one point in the narrative, be referred to as deep pools of emerald/azure/chestnut/violet.
The cliché 'tears slipped from her insert flowery prose adjective here eyes' will be used at least once in the course of the narrative. It can be quite 'poignant' if used in conjecture with a sexually intimate scene.i
Eyes may change color randomly if the story requires it. It is considered etiquette, as I understand, among Sue-authors to slap on some sort of hackneyed excuse to explain away why this happens, so don't be fooled by partial explanations; it's still an arbitrary switch.
Eyes often match hair or clothing or show the mood that the M-S is in. For example, when the M-S is feeling like writing a poem about cutting herself, they must be, of course, black. Ink is an oft-used adjective.
Eyes are considered of paramount importance by sues, and it is important not to describe them any more that the rest of the character's body. Readers are interested in what the character does, not what color their eyes change when they feel slightly distraught.
Sue Hair Laws:
Hair cannot be dull and bushy. It will always be sleek and shiny, or cropped close (if M-S is a Pants Sue, but more on that later). This rule applies no matter what has just happened to the character. This includes four month treks through desolate wilderness without a place to bathe. It also includes just after a seven hour battle which the hair spent inside a sweaty and rusty metal helmet.
It doesn't matter if the hair is so long that it could possibly cause an obstruction; Sues with long hair will often have hair down to their knees.
Mary-sues will do at least one of the following with their hair at least twice during the narrative:
Toss it carelessly behind her shoulder and laugh uproariously.
Twirl a strand around her finger.
Toss it back as she removes her helmet at a highly dramatic moment.
Hair is considered almost equally important by sue authors. It should be considered, however, how much Professor Tolkien cared about hair. No one really knows if Legolas is blonde or brown-haired.
Sue Skin Laws:
Sue skin must either be porcelain or handsomely bronzed. There is no middle ground. Those who try to make a middle ground will be shot by Fundamentalist Christians outside of the chapel in Sugar Tit, Kentucky.
A commonly seen description of an M-S's complexion is 'her face had never been cursed by acne, and she was envied for her creamy/tanned skin. But she had never considered it too important'. It is considered common courtesy to use this, preferably at least three times.
Freckles are acceptable, but only in small enough amounts for them to still be considered 'cute'. No self-respecting M-S would walk around with a face that is the embodiment high-skin-cancer-risk.
All skin features must be symmetrical. If there are two freckles on one side of the nose, there must be two on the other side. Symmetry is a very human thing, and thus does not apply to human bodies, something Sue-authors have never quite managed to grasp.
Scars are acceptable, but they must be described as 'a insert flowery-prose metaphor/analogy here of faint scars crossed her wrists/thighs/naughty bits/'what-have-you's'. insert lust object's name here found these scars to add to the mystery and overall sexiness of the obvious Mary-sue.' It is advised to be less sarcastic with the second sentence.
Skin is where unrealism of the character's appearance begins to seep through. A lack of acne? Perfect tan every time? Please, 'give me a break' as they say.
The Mysterious Ways of 'The Naughty Bits'ii
Breasts on female M-S's come in two sizes: small and perky, or 'large-enough-to-have-their-own-zip-code'. Breasts are always perfect and cone shaped. Lopsided, odd-sized, or non-existent breasts are always frowned upon by the elite core of Sue-authors, but are sometimes used as artistic motivation, more commonly referred to as 'angst', by more ambitious Sue-authors. For example, it is wholly accepted, nay it is a law of its own, that M-S's with small breasts must angst that they have such small breasts and quibble and ponder as to whether or not their 'twu luv' can love them without having breasts (despite the fact that a true 'twu luv' would love with no regards to superficial details such as the size of breasts)iii
In sex scenes, descriptions of breasts must include one of the following clichés: 'milky-white globes', 'bright cherry of a nipple', 'hard little bud' or other delightful variations. The word 'firm' must be used at least three times as must 'pale', 'beautiful', and 'semprini'. Admit it, the last one would make it more enjoyable to read.
Buttocks cannot be flabby and saggy like many normal human beings, oh no! That would be a sacrilege. It is a necessity to describe buttocks as 'firm', 'pert', or 'perky'. If a sex scene is called for, it is considered almost a requirement to refer to buttocks as 'smooth white globes'. Pimples or zits are not an option, as that would be a blasphemy to the arcane art of the M-S.
Vag-we interrupt this essay as it teeters on the verge of Extreme Naughtiness, and a sure 'R' rating to bring you a sample from this week's Hallmark Channel Disease of the Week movie:
"Don't leave me here Bill."
"I must Doreen; I have to fulfill my life-long dream of becoming the midget wrestling champion of New Hampshire"
"But I love you Bill, with all of my married-and-dumped-four-times-abused-as-a-child-single-mom-raising-two-kids heart. Please stay, and we'll get married after forty more minutes of agonizing over nothing and senseless debate."
"I wish I could Doreen, but I can't stay at my Random-generic-run-down-big-business-blue-collar-corporate job any more and I need a profession if we're going to make ends meet. After considering (briefly) all the hundreds of other, no doubt better jobs in today's economy, I've found that being the midget wrestling champion of New Hampshire is my only option."
"But Bill, you're six feet tall."
Yes, I realize that they're not putting any effort into those movies anymore too. Oh well, the naughty bit is over I suppose. Back to the regularly scheduled text
Sex scenes are difficult to do well, and very few people ever become good at them. Most authors tend to 'skip' the actual copulation and just show the aftermath. Yet, if it is deemed absolutely necessary to the story to have a sex scene, then it is recommended that the author actual have sex first, because many of the scenes read in the research of this book were laughable.
And The Ever-Popular 'Everything Else':
On the standard Mary-sue, the muscles must be 'well-defined' and 'firm' (that bastard word, why must they use it?) but not to the point where they bulge out from underneath clothing. Only breasts can do that.iv
Well shaped hands and feet, though rarely mentioned, are an absolute necessity. After all, we shouldn't want a beautiful, voluptuous girl walking around on the feet of a rodeo clown, should we? It is but common sense, which we humans tend to prefer over logic for some reason. I can't imagine why.
In the olfactory sense, Sues must be perfect as well. Many impressive adjectives such as 'lilac' and a great many overtly feminine metaphors (many of which should involve flowers or sunsets or some other picturesque natural occurrence) should be used to describe the smell of the sue. It adds to the effect on the audience.v
The first step in our perilous journey has been completed. In our next installment, we will examine the many moods and psyches (and the types they accompany) of the Sues that inhabit Middle-earth.
Progress Self Check:
This section is not compulsory. Any and all answers should be sent to the author's e-mail address (disclosed in profile). Respondents who achieve a 90 or higher score on the quiz will have their name displayed in as many fancy stars and fonts as I feel like doing at the time. (Example: John Doe)
You may cheat by looking up at the chapter if you absolutely must, but I'd rather test your ability to regurgitate nonsense that comes out of my mouth than your ability to go back and quote that nonsense to me.
Text Based Questions:
1.) Name two flowery prose colors used to describe Sue eyes. (two pts)
2.) Name one property of Sue skin color. (one pt)
3.) Name all things that a Sue must do at least once with her hair in the course of the narrative. (three pts)
4.) What cliché must be used in regards to eyes? (two pts)
5.) a.) True or false: Sue eyes can change color with mood. (two pts)
b.) If true, is this an arbitrary switch?
6.) Describe the necessities of description when writing a sue with odd-colored eyes. (two pts)
7.) Use, in detailed sentences, three terms from this text used to describe naughty bits of a sue.vi (five pts)
8.) What are the names of the characters from the Hallmark 'Disease of the Week movie'? (two pts)
Extrapolation:
1.) Using the properties given in the text, write a descriptive paragraph about a sue.
For questions two through four, no adjectives used in the text are permitted. (nine pts)
2.) List six adjectives that could be used to describe the hair of a sue. (three pts)
3.) List six adjectives that could be used to describe the eyes of a sue. (three pts)
4.) List six adjectives that could be used to describe the skin of a sue. (three pts)
5.) What does Ringo Starr shout at the end of the song 'Helter Skelter'? (thirteen pts (to round it up to fifty))
Extra Credit:
1.) Write a sex scene using as many clichés and adjectives from the text as possible. This should not be graphic. Acceptable male participants are limited to Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Boromir, Faramir, and Elrond. Graphic submissions will be deleted and sender will appear on the 'page of shame'. (thirteen pts)
i Pardon me while I mop my sarcasm, cynicism, and various excrements that I have just now expelled from my body as a result of typing the previous sentence.
ii All things considered, researching for this was probably the most fun I had writing this text-book. Stop looking at your screen like that. It's not polite to stare or to make offensive remarks about my mother.
iii Yes, yes I realize that I am carrying on about breasts. I'm sorry, I tend to notice these things. I am a young male after all. Honestly, 'get off my back' as they say.
iv Don't complain to me. You were the one who chose to read this.
v Granted, this reaction is one of projectile vomiting, but it is a reaction nevertheless.
vi Yes, I am well aware of my perversion. You need not tell me about it in great detail in a rambling review that insults me, my mother, my father, my dog, my personal hygiene and my long-dead great-grandmother.