A/N: After writing and playing with it for so long, here it finally is. The bartender Jay fic. I am dedicating it to Sarah quesera1, since without her, it wouldn't exist!
I also want to thank everyone who reviews and gives feedback! I read every single one of them, and I appreciate them all!
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
I know who I want to take me home.
"Look who showed!" Gabby squealed happily, hugging Jay as well as she could over the bar. He grinned in reply, taking in her cheerful appearance and the familiar scent of coconut. Gabby had always been such a happy person, radiating positivity. He figured a drink with a friend like that was exactly what he needed right now.
"How could I not? Honestly, this is great. I wasn't expecting this at all."
He and Gabby had a weird past, to say the least. They dated for a while, but it didn't end so well. Strangely enough, after that, they had actually become good friends. When he came back from the military a couple of weeks ago, and he got her message about stopping by to check out her bar, he wasn't expecting for her to have put this amazing place back up on its feet.
"It's packed tonight, sorry if I'll be away for a while. This rush just hit, and Herrmann went to get more ice. I'm slammed."
"You want some help?" He offered immediately. He had some bartending experience from when he was saving money for a bike back in the days.
Her head was about to shake, but she stopped and nodded instead. "I really wouldn't mind, if you're up for it."
Jay got the hang of it quickly and helped her navigate through the evening rush. It felt good to do something useful again. Fill glasses, open bottles, give people drinks. He had been merely existing since he got back, trying to get his life back in order, which wasn't the easiest thing to do when ghosts followed him home.
"If you need a job, you're hired," she said jokingly, when the rush died down and they were polishing glasses and catching up.
"Are you serious?" He asked. "Because I could use it." It wasn't a perfect or permanent solution, but it was a start.
"Well, now I am. It's yours. I just gotta clear it with Herrmann and Otis first, but I'm sure they'll be fine with it."
And Jay felt like that was the first good thing that happened since he got back.
Erin was having a bad day. Bad, bad, bad, worse. Not only did the perp they'd been after for a week escape from under her nose, but she also got stuck on paperwork duty, because she's a good person and she sent Antonio home to be with his kids.
Now it was almost midnight, and even though she had an early morning, she needed a drink. Desperately. And she just didn't feel like going home to an empty apartment, or to Kelly's, if he was even done with his shift yet. Their communication lately hadn't been all that great, and she wondered what the reason for that was.
The crowd had mostly died out at her favourite neighbourhood bar—Molly's. It was co-owned by a couple of firefighters she personally knew, and it's been her bar of choice for a while now. Her eyes searched across the bar to spot her friend Gabby, but all she saw was a new bartender. She would not deny that her heart skipped a beat, because damn, he was hot. There was literally no other word that could describe the sculpted muscles hiding underneath his tight Henley.
She approached the bar, plopped down on one of the stools with a loud sigh, and observed him as he made his way towards her. The fairy lights that illuminated the bar and the sound of Sweet Caroline playing in the background made her relax instantly, but her foul mood remained.
He eyed her, intrigued by this beautiful human being with troubled eyes, but still radiating something so rare—raw energy. "Hey, there. Can I get you something?"
"Is Gabby not working tonight?" She asked, ignoring his question.
"Sorry. Day off. You'll just have to make do with me."
She scoffed, but looked up at him, meeting the most beautiful pair of blue eyes she'd ever seen. It even made her melt for a second, before recomposing herself and grinning.
"Sorry. I'll have a bourbon."
He looked her over, taking in her tired face, the bags under her eyes that she desperately tried to cover with concealer, and the defeated look in her eyes. He set the glass with the amber liquid in front of her, sliding it into her palm.
"On the house," he said with a wink, and she suddenly felt awful for being bitchy before.
"Sorry, bad day."
"I gathered. Wanna talk about it? It's apparently in my job description."
Against her will, she chuckled at the stereotypical bartender joke. "Just life, to be honest. I'm not in a particular rush to get home to an empty apartment."
"You work around here?"
"Just across the street. I'm a detective at the 21st."
"So you're a regular then?" The feeling of relief when she nodded came as a complete surprise—relief that he would likely see her again. It was why he was much less disappointed when he came back from serving someone on the other side of the bar, and she was gone. The only trace of her being there in the first place was an empty glass she left behind.
He gave himself time—days to get her out of his head. But something about her made her a star of his dreams more often than he would have liked. He had been toying with the idea of asking her out the next time she'd show up, but a very tall firefighter put an end to that thought about a week later.
He wore a squad t-shirt, and it didn't take Jay long to figure out he worked with Gabby and the rest at 51. But none of that bothered Jay. What bothered him was the possessive arm on the back of a certain gorgeous brunette who took permanent residence in Jay's mind.
He groaned quietly, knowing that his plan was in vain. This beauty already had a boyfriend, and honestly, thinking a girl that looked like that was going around free was kind of stupid to begin with.
"Hey, bartender. I'll have a beer, wait, make that two beers."
Gabby rolled her eyes. "Treat him well, he's an ex. And a friend!"
"In my opinion those two things can't overlap, but whatever."
Erin shot an apologetic look in his direction, and he would have appreciated it, had it not set his skin on fire. Just a mere glance from her woke up the parts of him that had been asleep for a long time. He briefly wondered how it would be to hold her—kiss those lush lips that seemed to just call for his attention.
Instead, he set two beers on the bar, avoiding any further eye contact. This was going to be a long night.
Erin Lindsay, as he later found out was her full name, was the bane of his existence. She stopped by at Molly's almost every single night after her shift ended. Sometimes alone, sometimes with her co-workers, and sometimes with him.
Pretty soon, Jay realized that Kelly Severide did not deserve her. Not even close. He could be a bit of a jerk sometimes, and Jay hated having the front-row seat to their relationship. And with every word, he just kept falling for her cute dimples and her throaty laughter.
But knowing his place was more important, and he was there to serve drinks, not to make googly eyes at women. So he kept his head down, and did just that.
Poured drinks and listened.
Jay really had no one else to blame but himself. He let her ramble about anything, just so she would come back and sit there and he could look at her, if only from afar. It was a complicated situation, but he knew he wasn't ready to let her go.
So now he was stuck listening about her problems with her boyfriend, and unfortunately for him, her lacy underwear.
"I mean, I get it, but he's with his friends all day. And now when he has some time, he's with them again. I mean no offence, but I look better than his friends, wouldn't you say?" It was safe to say she had a bit too much to drink.
Jay nodded. "No question."
"And I'm wearing lacy underwear that's going to be wasted, because he is already wasted."
He wished she hadn't mentioned the lace part, because now his imagination would run wild. Just when he thought he was getting over her. And it did worry him a bit that she treated him like a gay best friend. Really, he just thought it was time to put an end to it.
"Please, no details. I'm only human." He winked and set another drink in front of her. She was already past the driving limit, so he couldn't see anything wrong with it.
Her reaction was laughter. That genuine laughter—when she'd throw her head back, open her mouth, and that wonderful sound would come out. Then she shook her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I'll keep the details to myself next time."
"I just don't know what to do anymore," she murmured, propped on her elbow, which rested on the bar. There were three empty glasses in front of her, and a newly-filled one, as she continued to tell Jay all her troubles. "I tried talking to him, but he just shuts me out."
"I get it," he replied, speaking loudly, so she could hear him despite the music and conversation. "But he's grieving and everyone experiences it differently." Despite the fact that Jay wasn't in agreement with how Kelly treated Erin before, much less now, he understood that what the man was going through was one of the worst feelings in the world. Losing your best friend can ruin you in a way that you never recover from.
"I want to be there for him. But lately I feel like I'm his booty call. Wait, is that too many details?"
No. Only he was probably going to spontaneously combust one of these day. To Jay's surprise, she had taken his comment very seriously and censored most of her problems for him. It helped with the physical want, but he didn't suffer any less. He still liked her. A lot. Like a schoolboy crush times a thousand. But he knew he couldn't have her, so he took what he himself had offered. Friendship.
He motioned her to continue while polishing glasses. It was a bit after the evening rush, and there were only few people left in the bar, so they could talk without worrying that someone would overhear their conversation.
"He just calls me for sex, and then he leaves right after. We never even talk anymore. Is that weird? That's weird."
He couldn't help but agree with her assessment. At the same time, he felt angry that somebody treated this gorgeous human like an ordinary booty call. She deserved to be swept off her feet, and he wished more than ever that he could be the one doing the sweeping.
"I'd give him some time, but don't let him just use you like that. You two need to talk at some point."
Great, offering advice that could potentially help their relationship was so low on his list of things to do. It was lower than low. It wasn't even on the list. But he did it anyway. Because at some point he fell in love with her, and all he wanted was for her to be happy.
"I know. You're right. Thanks for the advice." She moved her hand towards his, and for a second he thought maybe she'd touch it, but instead she held out a bill to cover her tab. "Keep the change."
And with that she was gone.
But not even close to being gone from his dreams.
"Boy, you have it so bad." He turned around to face Gabby. At this point, he couldn't even deny it anymore, so he just shrugged and gave her a small nod. "You're an amazing guy, for what it's worth. Being a friend to her, because it's what she needs."
She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, letting it linger there briefly before she pulled away and went back to cleaning up the bar.
"Babe, maybe you shouldn't…" It was obvious she was only trying to help, at least from Jay's point of view. Severide had gone home wasted more often than not these days, so she was just trying to help him.
"Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mother. Go flirt with the bartender, it's your favourite thing to do anyway." He spat the word out with anger that Jay could see, even from his bad vantage point. At that point, Jay felt a surge of rage too, and he knew he wouldn't be able to just stand by for much longer.
"Fine. At least he talks to me, which is something you don't do anymore. Ever."
She stormed away, and Jay felt awfully warm inside when she spotted him and immediately went to where he was standing. "Give me something strong. Make it a double. No wait, I can't drink, because I have to take my idiot boyfriend home after he'd done getting wasted."
He didn't even ask. He set a beer in front of her, flinching at her sigh. They talked about other things that night. He told her small bits about his time in the army and talked about his brother and his family, while she told him about her screwed up childhood. But that night, she mostly just listened, wondering why it took her so long to realize that he was so much more than a bartender.
He was wasted. Again. It was more a rule than an exception these days, and at some point, she has had enough. She understood he was grieving, but it did not justify treating her like some common whore.
So she dodged his calls, hoping he wouldn't show up to Molly's that night. But there he was. Drunk. Mean. And walking towards where she was sitting at a bar. She barely even sat at a table anymore, especially on the nights Jay was working, and tonight was one of them.
He approached her, and it was so bad that she flinched when he touched her. He reeked of alcohol and cigars, and she pushed his fingers away from her, making it undoubtedly clear that she didn't want to be touched in that moment.
"Just leave me alone," she said quietly, almost begging for him not to make a scene, but the anger and frustration he had been numbing with alcohol lately came rushing to the surface and he exploded.
"What? Now you're too good for me all of a sudden?"
"Man, she said to leave her alone," Jay jumped in, hoping to prevent a fight. Instead, he might have accidentally made it worse.
"You stay out of it! And stop making passes at my girlfriend while you're at it."
"Kelly, you're making a scene."
"Well I wouldn't have to if he understood that you're mine!"
To be clear, Erin didn't like his tone or the things he was saying at all. But this kind of jealous possessive behaviour wasn't like him, and she hated scenes. More than anything, she hated being in the middle of one.
"Just go home. Please." She dodged his attempt to kiss her. The smell of stale booze took her right back to when she was a teenager, when hooking up with a guy who kept the food on the table and the heat on was her only choice. "I said leave me alone!"
Her raised voice put a halt to his movements, and it was also what made Jay put down the towel and step out from behind the bar. She exhaled when he did. It wasn't that she never noticed how buff he was. Maybe it was the tight black t-shirt he wore that night, or his biceps flexing, but she swallowed at the sight of him, standing there with his arms crossed. She was a cop, and she would be intimidated if he was looking at her like he was looking at Kelly.
But Kelly was drunk, and stupidly brave and confident.
"You need to go." Jay's words were slow and intentional. Even his voice was laced with authority. It was a side of him that she had never seen before and found herself enjoying it. A lot.
"You don't get to tell me that. You're nobody. You're just a bartender. So stay away from my girlfriend!" While yelling that last part he lunged at Jay. But he was well prepared. Dodging his attack swiftly, he did what he was itching to do for weeks.
He punched him.
And boy did it feel sweet when his fist connected with Severide's jaw. He had enough restraint not to go at him the second time, when Kelly went for it again, but the guys from 51 pulled him back and escorted him outside.
Jay glanced at his bruised knuckles. Every pleasure comes with a price, but he was glad to pay it this time. Then his attention snapped to Erin, who was still standing there, clenching her teeth together.
"Dude! What the hell?"
"Erin—"
"No! I'm not some damsel in distress that you need to save. If I wanted to punch him, I could have done it myself."
"I know." Her being a total badass did not pass him by, and the guys from patrol tell a lot of interesting stories. He wondered if she knew she was basically worshipped by some of the patrol officers. "But that doesn't mean you should have to."
"You're unbelievable." Her words came out not with anger, but something much worse. Disappointment. And he hated the fact that he let her down, when all he really wanted was to protect her. Knowing he caused her more harm than good killed him slowly, and as she walked away, he wondered if he just ruined the best thing that ever happened to him.
"Erin, please." His quiet surrendered voice is what ultimately made her open the door and stare at his dishevelled appearance. She had been seeing his come apart before her eyes for weeks, and she was done with his performance.
"What do you want?" Her voice was cold and left no room for excuses.
"To apologize. I crossed the line last night. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it back."
"That's it, isn't it? You can't take it back. And it's not just last night, Kelly. You've been treating me like dirt for weeks. And I know you're hurting. But this has got to stop."
"I know. I'm really sorry. It just hurts so badly."
They've been together long enough that she cared for him more than she was willing to admit. They didn't live together, they haven't said I love you, but he was a person in her life. A person that was important to her.
A person who was hurting.
So she was willing to overlook some things if it meant he could move forward at some point. Her arms enveloped him in a safe hug as he broke down on her couch, breaking her heart one sob at a time.
And in that moment, when her lips were against his forehead and she was trying to ease the never-ending pain he was suffering, she thought of Jay. Unsure why his image popped into her head at the most inopportune moment, she realized there was some truth in what Kelly said. She had been spending a lot of time with Jay, just talking.
So maybe it was time to get some distance.
"I'm telling you, I blew it."
Gabby really didn't know what to tell him. Erin had been a no-show since that night, and she knew for a fact that she had accepted Kelly's apology, because she overheard Kelly telling Matt at work. Neither Erin nor Kelly had shown up at Molly's for the past couple of weeks and Jay didn't know what to think about it.
Erin let him know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he crossed a line. He was willing to accept it and apologize, but in order for him to apologize (even though he was just trying to protect her), she would have to show up. And she hasn't.
And that left Jay beyond frustrated.
Jay refused to ask about her, but he was hoping to overhear some conversation about her in the subtlest way possible. But her name never came up, and he had gotten to a point where he accepted that he was never going to see her again. He even went on one disastrous date with a girl that Gabby set him up with. But nothing helped. There was still only one girl on his mind.
"You're pathetic, you know?" Gabby told him.
He shrugged. He knew that, but it did not exactly help with getting her out of his head. He saw Kelly out of the corner of his eye, doing his usual thing. He wondered if he was going to see Erin.
Just when he managed to get lost in thought about something else, Gabby nodded her head into the direction of the entrance and he saw her. After two months without catching a glimpse, he saw her, and his life made sense again.
Even though she avoided the bar to meet Kelly, he still saw her, and felt better. In some excruciatingly painful way. So he focused on serving drinks, only stealing an occasional glance at her. At first, she seemed happy. He saw Antonio pick up a beer for her, and she was sitting with Severide and the others, laughing. But then her body language changed, and he couldn't help but worry when they started snapping at each other.
She yelled something at him, before picking up her stuff and walking away, and even though Jay couldn't make what it was, he knew it wasn't anything pretty.
Guess he'd just have to wait again.
Three calm knocks on the door were a complete contrast to how Erin was feeling on the inside. The door creaked open and his head popped out, seemingly surprised to see her there. He was hungover, that much she knew, which is why she decided it had to be now.
Letting herself in, she ignored the groans and yawns and obvious hints he was dropping about her presence there being inconvenient that early in the morning. Finally, he gave up, dragging himself back to the spacious living room of the loft.
"What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to do this while you were sober enough to remember it." The words seemed harsh, but they were—as Erin kept reminding herself—true. "I can't do this anymore. I tried everything, for the sake of the time we've been together. I didn't want to just dismiss our whole relationship. But enough is enough." He tried to say something, but she interrupted him with a firm hand gesture. "I care about you, Kelly. And what you're going through is awful and I can't begin to understand it. But I've come too far to let somebody treat me like I'm nothing. Like my needs are not important. So, I'll be here, always, whatever you need. But as your friend."
She nodded her head to give him permission to speak. The words that came out were not exactly what she expected. "That's the nicest way anyone has ever broken up with me."
At first, she was sure she misheard it, but then she grasped what he said and looked at him, before she burst out laughing. He joined in, and she felt like a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders.
"Honestly, I knew you deserved better. I was just selfish in not wanting to let you go."
She nodded. That, she could understand. "I'm sorry, Kelly."
"Not as sorry as I am. But you're right. You do deserve better, and right now, I need to focus on getting my life back in order." He motioned towards the mess lying around. He hadn't exactly felt like cleaning lately, which is why they mostly spent time at her place. "She would've been so disappointed. That's what gets me, you know? That I let her down." His voice broke down, and she could tell he was having a hard time controlling the tears from falling. It reminded her that this was one of the things she fell for, besides his obvious charm. How he wasn't afraid to feel. To be emotional.
"So get yourself together, and make Shay proud."
That made him smile. "I'll do that."
She fumbled in her pocket for a bit, before placing a small metal item onto the counter. His eyes flickered with understanding, as he searched for his keys to return his as well. When she was walking towards the door to leave, he pulled her back into a hug.
Erin didn't know how long they stood there, just hugging, and it didn't matter. She would have stood there for hours if it made things easier for him.
At some point he let go, and she finally left, feeling like she was leaving a part of her life—and her heart—behind.
Confidently, she walked towards the bar and plopped down next to an older guy—older, but not old. He had seen him around before, and it looked like they knew each other.
Gabby nudged him, and he breathed in before going towards her. There were so many things he wanted to tell her.
I haven't seen you in a while.
I'm so glad you're back.
I'm so sorry for being a jerk.
But instead, he kept it together. "Hey, what can I get you?"
"I'll have whatever he's having." She pointed to the glass of the guy next to her. Waiting for her drink, she tapped her fingers against the wooden bar. His fingers touched hers gently when he slid her it towards her, and she couldn't help but notice the spark of electricity.
"I just got off the phone with Olivia."
"You've been talking to Olivia a lot lately," she said, implying something quite obvious that he completely disregarded by a shake of his head. "I'm just saying, it wouldn't hurt to try."
"You don't understand."
"No, I don't. I never lost the love of my life. But I do know she wouldn't have wanted this for you. She wouldn't have wanted you to be alone."
"Low blow," he told her, even though he had to agree.
Meanwhile Jay was losing his mind, because she was right there, almost within reach, but still so far away.
"Just the way you taught me," she replied with a cheeky grin. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"
He nodded, placing a bill on the bar. "I'll think about it." It was the last thing he said, before brushing his lips against her temple in a very fatherly way, walking out. That was the moment Jay realized that must have been Hank Voight—the man she told him took her in as a teenager.
It was also the moment they were alone together—well as alone as you could be in an almost empty bar. She stared at her glass for a moment, before glancing up to meet his eyes. The cheeky grin was gone, and he realized she just put on a good show so he wouldn't worry, but now that her father figure was gone, so was the mask.
"Hey," she greeted in a small voice. He would have missed it, had her lips not moved.
"Hey," he returned.
"Pour me another one?" She asked, pointing to her glass. It wasn't exactly the saddest break-up in the world, but she did feel sad and selfish and she deserved to drink her sorrows away like any normal woman would.
"Sure. Everything okay?"
"Ask me after a couple of shots."
And true to her word, after drinking about four more whiskeys, when Jay had decided he was not going to let her drive, she opened up a little bit, reminding him of the connection they had—the connection that didn't go anywhere. It simply waited for them to find their way back to each other.
"Don't you think you should go easy?"
"Who are you? My mother?" She laughed out loud for some reason, explaining a second later. "Wrong, my mother would never have told me to stop drinking. What a bitch."
Hours later, when it was closing hour and everyone but he and Erin had gone, he glanced at her. She was half-asleep on the grimy bar counter, her face stained with the dried tears she shed for her ending relationship.
"Give me your address, I'm taking you home."
She muttered a word that sounded like Uber. "Nope, I'm not letting you go anywhere alone in this state."
"You could be a serial killer," she accused, causing him to laugh, but she finally did give him her address. He swung her arm over his shoulder, and almost froze when she leaned against him for support. But it wasn't the act itself. It was the way she did it that woke Jay's quiet dreams and fantasies.
Locating her keys and getting her to her apartment was exhausting, but he succeeded, and when they crossed the threshold of the familiar space, she smiled at him. Taking a couple of steps towards him, her smile faltered, replaced by black hunger, and before Jay could do anything, her lips were on his.
It was a moment he thought of many times, and so, even involuntarily, he felt his lips move with hers, just to get a tiny taste of heaven. At least it was heaven to him. But the little nagging voice was back inside his head, so he pulled back. Because he had thought about this a lot, and not once was she drunk and on the rebound.
So even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, he grabbed her by the wrists to establish enough distance. Because if he took advantage of her in this vulnerable state, this thing would be over before it even began, and damned if he was going to blow it after waiting and suffering for so long.
"Oh, I'm sorry." She didn't look sorry. She looked like he just slapped her in the face. She looked like she was going to burst into tears at any minute.
And that was exactly what she did.
Apologizing to him between sobs, she wondered out loud whether she was really not enough for anyone. Not for her mother, not for Kelly, not for anyone. She was never enough for people to stay. She could always just watch them slip away, without the power to help them. She also mentioned someone named Nadia, but Jay didn't know that story. His heart broke for her, seeing her so shattered, her usual confidence replaced by doubt and self-loathing.
Practically carrying her to the bedroom, he gently placed her on the made-up bed. He removed the decorative pillows to make her more comfortable, before taking off her shoes and helping her scoot under the covers.
Her wide eyes stared at him, confused and sad and enormous. "Will you stay until I fall asleep? I just don't want to be alone."
"Of course," he murmured, brushing his fingers through her hair. He settled himself on the bed next to her, genuinely just wanting her to be okay. The selfless desire for her to be happy kept shocking him, and he didn't know how to handle it.
Her eyes closed at the simple gesture, and she was seemingly calmer, which filled him with relief.
It didn't take long for her breaths to become slow and steady. Jay couldn't help but notice how adorable she looked—her hand clutching the comforter, her mouth slightly parted. It made him gaze down at her, grateful that he could without her seeing him.
Waiting a bit longer to see if she was really asleep, he carefully got off the bed, sneaking out of her apartment. He hoped this wasn't going to ruin his chances—now that he finally had them.
When Erin woke up, she knew something was wrong. The feeling was… familiar to say the least. Waking up with a banging head and no knowledge of how she got there was something she had experienced too many times in the past. But it was not the person she was now. What was she thinking?
Slowly, she pushed off the comforter, trying to keep her movements to a minimum as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Sitting up was not a good idea, she realized, sprinting to the bathroom where she proceeded to lose the contents of her stomach.
She sat there on the bathroom floor for several minutes after, contemplating calling in sick. But she made a vow not to do that. Not after almost going down the drain because of Bunny and her tricks.
So she hopped in the shower, making it colder than usual. It helped clear her head and recuperate her body. Next on her short list were hydration and coffee, and then if she could stomach it, something to eat.
While munching on a plain piece of toast, she thought about last night. And when her memories came back to her, she wished they hadn't. Along with them came the shame of what she did, of how she acted. It burned her cheeks until they were bright red and she was glad nobody could see her.
Then she remembered one other thing. The details were a little fuzzy, but the toe-curling sensation was not. Out of all the things she remembered, by far the clearest was the memory of the kiss.
Of how it was so good it tingled all the way to her bones, and how it made her feel lightheaded for a moment, like she had been swept off her feet for the first time in a while.
But the timing was all wrong. She just broke up with Kelly, and if that ever happened between Jay and her, she didn't want it to be a rebound. Luckily, her phone buzzed. They caught a case, so she wouldn't have to worry about it for a while.
Almost a week later, Jay was standing behind the bar again, mixing a bunch of cocktails for the group of young friends in the corner, wondering again what he did to blow it. Did she really hold him stopping the kiss against him? Jay was sure that at least sober Erin would see his reasons for doing that and wouldn't get angry.
Just as he got lost in his thoughts, she plopped down on the chair in front of him and smiled. Dimples didn't make a regular appearance lately, so he was delighted by this opportunity to marvel at them.
Sitting next to her was Antonio, sipping on his second beer. His wife had the kids that night, so he really had nowhere else to be. He seemed happy to have company, even though Jay wished he could talk to Erin privately. It would just have to wait.
"Feeling better?"
Erin laughed at Antonio's question, nodding her head. "This cold was really bad. Don't tell Ruzek, he'll never stop making fun of me."
"Your secret is safe with me."
"I'll have a beer," she murmured to Jay, rolling her eyes when Antonio quickly made an escape for it. "Thanks."
"You were sick?"
"Yeah, I had a really bad cold. Got stuck in bed for almost a week." She shuddered. Being sick was never nice, but for Erin it brought up some memories—memories of being a four-year-old girl, shivering under the bed, where she crawled to get away from the monsters that came to life with her fever.
There was a pause, and slowly it dawned on her that he probably thought she was angry or shutting him out. "Thank you, by the way. For taking me home that night. I was a mess."
She didn't mention the kiss, or her drunken attempts to seduce him, or her drunken crying about never being good enough. She didn't think she had to, and hoped he was too polite to say anything.
He was, of course.
"Not a problem. Can't lose a regular like you, I might lose my job." He always resorted to jokes when he had nothing to say, or when he couldn't say the things he wanted to.
And for the time being, jokes were just going to have to be enough.
"How come you're working? I thought you'd be off at some party." She had to raise her voice to overpower the noise of the place. Molly's was hosting an annual 4th of July party, and the crowd was pretty impressive. Of course, that meant they were understaffed and in trouble.
"Not a big fan of the fireworks," he yelled back, trying to polish glasses, which they were already short on. "Don't like the noise. So I like to stay busy—it keeps me from overthinking it."
He didn't talk about his time in the military often, so she gazed at him with curious eyes. There was pain in his expression—raw and earth-shattering. She didn't think he realized how present it was.
She couldn't even imagine what it must have been like for him. Even here, on the streets, she saw some things she could not unsee. But what he went through must have been a thousand times worse.
"Not to butt in or anything, but do you need some help?"
"I can't ask you that, you're a customer."
"Well I'm also a friend, and I'm volunteering."
"Thank you." He passed her the cloth and pointed at the glasses without reservation. She got to work with skill that surprised him. "Gabby ducked out again. I think she might be pregnant. Or she has an extremely bad stomach flu," he guessed, considering the various times she was sick lately.
"She's pregnant," Erin confirmed, overhearing the conversation she had with Antonio the day before. "Those are some good observation skills. You would make a decent detective."
"I'm honoured. But I just love my job so much." His tone was mocking enough for her to realize he was joking. The truth was, he hadn't gotten that far ahead yet. He was finally beginning to feel the solid ground underneath his feet again. He'd just wait and see. "Same goes for you, if you ever need a career change."
They bantered while getting through the crowd's orders, until slowly it dispersed and people started leaving. Jay let out a breath he had been holding since the beginning. He glanced at his side, where Erin was drinking water through a straw. Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail, and her lips looked so inviting. But he held back.
She even helped him clean up and close up afterwards, long after the rush was over. When they were done the time showed around three in the morning, but neither of them was tired—both buzzed with the excitement of the night.
"You know what I could go for now? Pizza," she dreamed, as they exited the bar.
"I know a place that's open 24 hours. Best pizza in Chicago," he added with a smile. He had hoped the night was not over yet, and she just gave him an opening.
"You don't have to tell me twice. I'm in. I just, I didn't drive here?"
"Well that's my drive. Unless you'd rather get a cab?"
He pointed at the Harley parked outside. She breathed with admiration. "I haven't been on one of these in a while," she admitted, but shrugged like she didn't care, when really her heart was pounding with adrenaline.
Since he didn't have a second helmet, he insisted on her taking it. He also slid his leather jacket off and passed it to her, even though it was a warm summer night. She was about to object, but he shook his head, and she realized it was pointless. So she slid it on, enjoying the way the smell of him enveloped her as she sat behind him and wrapped her arms around his body.
It wasn't a date—Erin kept telling herself that—but if it was, as far as dates go, it would be incredible. Erin didn't know the last time she had felt so free. Every move, every tilt felt so natural with Jay driving. She could let go and just enjoy the ride.
She didn't even realize the time passing, until she saw the first beams of sunlight peak through the skyscrapers of Chicago. They were out till morning, just talking about everything.
"Not that's what I call a good date," he commented when he dropped her off at her apartment.
"Was that a date?" She turned to face him, her expression not giving anything away.
"Now it will be," he whispered, sliding one arm underneath the jacket she was still wearing and pulling her closer. He teased her, enjoying the anticipation of their lips touching, but not quite yet, until she was all but trembling in his arms.
Then he closed the distance between them, and their lips met after all the waiting. Only this time, neither of them was drunk, and they both wanted it.
She leaned in, parting her mouth, which allowed him to deepen the kiss. He was overwhelmed with desire to just take her—drink her up in a long thirsty gulp. But he didn't. He forced himself to pull away, to unlace the fingers resting on her lower back and take a step back.
He could do little to hide the grin spreading on his face and was pleasantly surprised by her expression mirroring his.
"So, I'll see you?"
She shrugged off his jacket to return it and nodded.
"See ya."
He didn't have her phone number. That fact revealed itself to him while he was serving drinks for the fourth night in a row. She was a no-show again, and he could feel his good mood plummeting. At first, he thought they just caught a case, but Antonio was there last night, and so were Ruzek and Atwater. He thought about asking them but chickened out.
Jay never understood why some people wanted to play games. It wasn't his thing. It took him some pride to admit that it bothered him—her avoidance. He hated being this vulnerable. He hated that she could make him this vulnerable.
"What is up with you?" Gabby snapped after he broke the third glass in a row. "You've been off this week."
He mumbled something she couldn't understand. His eyes flickered around the bar, noticing it wasn't very crowded. "Permission to go on a break?"
She motioned him towards the exit. "Go. And please ditch this weird mood while you're on the way."
He walked. If she wanted to avoid him, she would have to say that to his face. It wasn't exactly a fair playing field, since she knew exactly where to find him. But he supposed he knew enough about her to find her as well. He knew where she lived, but going to pound on her door seemed like a creepy idea. He also knew where she worked, so he was hoping to catch her there.
"Can I help you?" He looked at the desk sergeant staring at him. He couldn't exactly say she was rude, but she wasn't that nice either.
"I'm looking for Erin Lindsay."
"I'm sorry, she's not working at the moment."
"But I know they have a case."
"She's not here."
Still no information. Jay knew the woman wouldn't tell him anything. Her eyes were stubborn and a little crazy.
"Jay? What are you doing here?" It felt good to see Antonio there—a familiar face amidst the rude evasion.
"I'm looking for Erin, who is apparently, "he gave the sergeant a pointed look, "not here."
"Erin is at Chicago Med. She was shot on the job."
And despite the fact that this thing between them was only starting and he probably wasn't entitled to a reaction, Jay saw nothing but black for a couple of seconds. Then it all started to make perfect sense, and he felt really bad that he thought for one second that she would play games with him.
"I'm headed there right now, if you want a ride."
"Thanks, man." This time, he shot the sergeant an ugly look and headed outside, followed closely by Antonio.
Jay was glad he didn't have to drive, because Antonio's words left his mind reeling. He was almost afraid to ask, so Dawson put him out of his miserly—clearly noticing the tension on his face.
"She's fine. It was touch and go there for a second, but she's gonna make a fully recovery."
The rest of the ride to the hospital was silent, as Jay wondered if he was making a mistake. Maybe she didn't want to see him, after all they had only gone out on one impromptu date. But when he stepped into the hospital room, her smile let him know that he had nothing to worry about.
She was alive. Pale, but alive. His first thought was that he should have bought her flowers, but she was surrounded by a garden already. Despite obviously being in some pain, her face lit up when she saw him and he took that as a good sign.
Her expression suddenly turned guilty, when the realization hit her. "Oh my god, our date. I totally forgot to cancel."
"Well, you have a good excuse. If I'd known, I would have come sooner."
Antonio finally realized that this was quite a private moment and made his exit with a grin.
"What happened?"
"Drug bust gone wrong. It happens. Perks of the job and all."
Despite having served in military, Jay hadn't quite realized how dangerous her job was. But he was aware now, and nothing could convince him that the woman lying in the hospital bed was not a badass.
"How about a rain check on that date?" She murmured the question up at him, trying a smile despite her drowsiness.
"I think we can make something happen," he replied, sitting on the chair next to the bed.
"Maybe we can go skydiving," she proposed. Bursting out with laughter—painful laughter, she might add—was inevitable when she saw his horrified expression. Then, at some point along, he realized she was joking, and joined in, but not before finding a way to sneak his hand into hers.
"Isn't it technically our third?" He asked, wondering whether or not she remembered their first. Because he sure remembered the strength it took to pull away. But here and now, he knew it was the right decision. He wanted to take this slow. Do it right.
"Maybe. Does it matter?" Her words implied that she did remember, but her eyes gave nothing away.
"I don't know. Do you have a strict third date policy?"
"And if I do?"
"I will be the perfect gentleman."
She burst out laughing because of the way he said it, but really, she had no doubt he was speaking the truth. It prompted her to make the next move. "How about a nightcap?" It was clear to both of them that the invitation was in no way meant for a drink.
Jay readily agreed, following her up the stairs into her apartment. It was familiar, but the last time he was there, he didn't really have time to look around—dealing with a drunken Erin instead. It was a nice place, he thought. It suited her.
"So, what are you having?"
"What are you offering?" His voice was low, careful, but his eyes spoke the truth his lips couldn't. He was devouring her.
"Hmm, rum?"
"Not a fan."
"Bourbon?"
"Not in the mood for it."
"Well, then why don't you tell me what you want, and I'll tell you if I have it." She was painfully aware of how close he had gotten while they were talking. Her body was giving her away, It almost seemed like in some twisted way, this was their idea of foreplay.
He leaned in, and for a moment she though he was going to kiss her, but instead he whispered against her ear. Words that made her knees buckle, and when she spoke, her voice was throaty and laced with desire. "I think that can be arranged."
Then his lips finally assaulted her in a passionate kiss that she used to imagine whenever she'd dream about being swept off her feet. His touch was almost bruising on her hips, as he lifted her like she weighed nothing.
Her legs wrapped around his waist as she pointed in the vague direction of the bedroom, grateful that she had the sensibility to make the bed in the morning, but he didn't seem to notice anything but her body, as he—not very gently—threw her down on the bed.
Her fingers grabbed the hem of his shirt, doing something she wanted to do since she met him. As soon as his shirt landed on the floor, her hands landed on his bare chest, finally able to enjoy the muscles that spent so many nights taunting her while he worked.
He grinned down at her, impatiently repeating her action. He groaned with frustration when he couldn't get her bra open, and she was just about to take mercy on him. His hands were so close to her body, his lips covering hers in the best kiss she ever had, when her phone had the audacity to ring.
"Don't answer that," he tried, whispering the seductive words along her skin as he lowered his kisses to persuade her.
"I have to. It could be work." Her words were also a groan, signalling to Jay that she was just as annoyed by this as he was.
"Lindsay. Uh-huh. Okay. I'm on my way."
"Please, don't—"
"Gotta go. It's the job, sorry."
He looked at her as she covered her exposed bra and buttoned up her jeans and understood that one of the reasons he fell for her so hard was her passion for catching bad guys—even when said bad guys come between their third date's happy ending.
It left him no other choice, but to pick up his shirt and follow her out to her car.
"Be careful out there, okay?"
The wound on her shoulder has healed, but to him it was still fresh. Just as fresh as the memory of her pale skin against the hospital linen.
"I will." Because she could, and because she wanted to, she pressed a soft kiss on his lips before leaving him in the middle of the street, hoping that he wouldn't give up on her before trying for a rain check.
"This is getting a little annoying," she commented from her position on his lap. He talked to his brother and apparently there was something urgent, because Jay started pulling his shirt back on.
"A little?" Those were his only words, as she pouted from her couch. It seemed to be a reoccurring theme lately, that every time they even got close, something would happen and one of them would have to leave.
In fact, this was their sixth date that ended in disaster, or so to speak. Erin guessed there were bigger disasters in the world than a lack of orgasms, but she currently felt the lack as an excruciating pain, especially because she had to look at Jay every day.
J: Sorted out my thing, wanna meet up again?
It was his sweet way of asking if he should come back to her apartment to pick up where they left off.
E: Sorry, got a case just now.
J: *sad face*
E: I'll just hump you at Molly's one of these days.
J: How about dinner instead? I'll even try my best to get you out of your dress (if you wear one).
E: Sounds fun, but I'm not sure when I'll be done tonight.
J: Let me know when you know.
And just because she could, she snapped a picture of herself before getting dressed and sent it to him. If she had to suffer all day, so should he.
It was three days later when they were able to grab dinner, but judging from Jay's expression when he saw her, he deemed it worth the wait.
"So, you were a nerd?"
"Yeah, but when I was a kid it didn't have the cute connotation it does now. I was so bullied."
He said it with a grin, so she imagined it was okay to smile, but even though Erin tried to picture a bullied boy solely from the man sitting across her, she honestly had a hard time. Because there wasn't a time when she ever saw him lack confidence or anything else.
"Tell me more. You already know my life story."
"There is not much to tell. I actually went to the police academy after high school. Then my mom died, and I just needed to get away, so I enlisted in the military. I did a couple of tours, came back, Gabby offered me a job at Molly's."
"Any plans for the future?"
"I don't know, I've been thinking about doing some counselling courses. I have first-hand experience with dealing with PTSD, so I might be able to help others. I also think I kind of like being a bartender."
"That's amazing. I think you should go for it, if that's what you want. And there is nothing wrong with that," she replied, playing with her fork. It wasn't hard to imagine that he would benefit from a calmer work after what he likely went through overseas. "Plus I bet you meet all sorts of hot chicks."
"Only one so far."
It was cheesy, but she found herself chuckling anyway. There was something about him that made her relax. That, and she couldn't remember the last time someone took her out for dinner and didn't turn out to be a creep.
"Wanna split dessert?" He asked.
"Handsome and he shares his food? What a catch."
"Or we could take dessert to go," he suggested, his voice unintentionally dropping a little, making his intention crystal clear.
"Check please."
And when he slammed her into the wall half an hour later, pulling her dress up her thighs, Erin knew it was all worth it. The waiting, the pining, the frustration, it all culminated into one perfect night.
This time, neither of their phones rang, because they both turned them off in the car. And this time, his only emergency was how to get her out of this skin-tight dress, because so far, he hadn't been able to locate a zipper.
She, on the other hand, found his buttons, but somehow didn't care. It was unbelievable how turned on she was by the sound of ripping fabric and buttons spilling on the floor. It made her breathe heavily with anticipation.
"Zipper?" He managed, between tearing his lips off of her body.
"No zipper. You're going to have to peel me out of it."
He half groaned, half grinned. He did like a challenge after all. His skilled fingers grabbed a hem of her dress, gently but persistently pulling it upwards. The corners of her lips tugged into a smile, but she did nothing to help him, instead only raising her arms, so he could pull the dress over her head.
"Damn," he whispered at the golden lace hiding underneath, though how she could fit anything under that dress was beyond him.
"Glad you approve."
Their movements had previously slowed down, but they picked up the pace again as he threw her on the bed, just like he had once before. Her bedroom was dark, except for the light coming in from the living room, which was just enough for her to be able to gaze at his exquisite body hovering over her.
She leaned up, so she was able to graze the skin of his shoulder with her teeth gently. A good bite of this man was all she needed.
In that moment, he thought he was going to explode with lust if he didn't bury himself inside of her in the next couple of breaths. He mumbled something similar, or at least he thought there were words coming out of his mouth, but he couldn't be sure, because her hands had just won against his belt buckle.
It was her turn to say damn, and after that, Jay couldn't be held responsible for his actions.
It was a blur of greed—their hands grabbing wherever they could, feasting on the skin that they had desired for so long. And when he finally slammed into her, and her back arched so far, she thought it was going to break, they both felt something inside of them snap.
Suddenly, the word carnal had perfect meaning to her, because there was no rationality left in her head. Only him, slamming into her like it was the last thing he would ever do.
A drop of sweat trickled down her forehead, as she braced herself. The pleasure building up inside of her with his movements had finally reached its peak, and she plummeted over the edge with a scream she would probably be embarrassed of if she had the energy to care.
His breaths got shorter and denser, and as she gripped the comforter to channel the explosion, he joined her with a loud moan before collapsing on top of her.
Jay nuzzled his face into her neck, and Erin couldn't help but think that she had never felt so close to anyone before.
They lived in a bubble for approximately two weeks after. A bubble where Jay served multiple wrong drinks, and Erin had to be told things twice or more, before the high finally wore off. They were both a little nervous that after it did, things were going to change. But it just made things clearer, like a sun setting in after days in the fog.
It first dawned on her one particular morning. She slept over, which was beginning to form a habit, but he didn't seem to mind her hogging his bed, or his bathroom for that matter.
Jay got a call, and she knew it was early, because the light was just beginning to seep through the shutters. It was one of the rare days she didn't have to go in early, and she mentally prepared herself to get up.
But she prepared in vain. He approached the bed, seeing that her eyes had blinked awake.
"I gotta go take care of something. You can stay, just make yourself at home."
She smiled up at him then, feeling something warm spreading over her body. He leaned down for a kiss that she cherished long after he was gone. It was what made her realize that there was no panic setting in; no alarms, telling her it was getting too serious too fast. It simply felt right.
And when he returned hours later to find her lounging on his couch, wearing his shirt and eating his favourite cereal, it was the first time she could actually imagine what building a life with someone would be like. Because maybe the reason it felt right was that Jay was the right person all along.
Because Erin didn't want to rub their new relationship in Kelly's face, they kept it on the down low—until Severide returned from Las Vegas with a wife, and then she just couldn't care anymore.
Erin barely glanced at them, nodding her head politely, before continuing to gaze at her boyfriend working. He was a sight for sore eyes. His biceps covered by the tight black t-shirt, combined with his confident moves behind the bar never failed to make her swallow. He grinned down at her, continuing with mixing drinks and opening beer bottles.
Her hand reached for her phone.
E: When is your break?
J: 30min, why?
E: I really, really, really need you.
At the mere glance at her expression, he put two and two together. Damn her.
J: Good things come to those who wait.
Her lips spread into a smile. He was right, as always. And if he waited for her all those months, when he had a front row seat to her relationship with Kelly, she could wait thirty minutes until his break.
And thirty-five minutes later, when he was catching his breath, and her back was pushing against something hard and uncomfortable (she was too high to care), she knew waiting for him will always be worthwhile.
"It's weird that I know everyone here, but don't really know anyone here."
"You know me, better than anyone here, I might add."
The past couple of months had been an amazing journey of getting to know each other. And Erin realized one surprising thing—when you love someone, you can love even the things you hate.
Like how the fact that he only drank almond milk completely frustrated her, and how he drove her mad by picking up the stuff she left lying around. His driving was horrible and sleeping next to his radiator body in the middle of summer was her own personal hell (though she didn't give up the snuggles either). But she loved him.
She probably fell in love with him that time when he asked her not to talk about her underwear, because he's only human. Remembering the moment, she chuckled, leaning her head on his tux-clad body.
"I was just thinking about that time I gave you a detailed description of my lacy underwear."
"Fun times," he recalled the torture. "Wouldn't mind one now."
And before Adam and Kim even walked down the aisle together, Erin made Jay wish this wedding would be over already.
Erin was sitting at Molly's, thinking about what an incredible turn her life had taken since the day she wandered into that same bar, feeling lost and angry with the world. It was a celebration party for Jay, who just became co-owner of Molly's. Erin knew this was a dream come true for him, so she figured her news could wait. This was Jay's night.
But she didn't take into account how well he had gotten to know her over the years.
"What's up?"
"Nothing. I'll tell you tomorrow."
"Uh-uh. We share." He pointed to the ring adorning her finger. "Everything, remember?"
She passed him a white envelope, so he could read it himself. His face spread into a grin, and he looked so proud that she could die then and there.
"Babe, congratulations! I can't believe you kept this from me!" He pulled her into a hug, and then a kiss, and then before she could stop him, he was climbing up on the bar and getting everyone's attention.
"Excuse me, everyone, I have an announcement to make."
Erin was half mortified by the sudden attention, and half afraid he was going to fall down. She just rolled her eyes and let him do his thing, because by now, she knew nothing could stop him.
"My wife is going to be a police sergeant!"
His pride filled her with happiness. When she took the exam, she didn't tell anyone because she was sure she was going to fail. But it was one of her lifelong dreams, and she owed it to herself to try. The fact that he shared what was supposed to be his night only made Erin love him more.
"We share. Everything," he reminded her softly. "I am so proud of you. You're going to be an amazing sergeant." As her eyes lit up with happiness, he shook off the worry that accompanied each time that he thought of how dangerous her job was.
"Thank you."
Looking around, she was in awe of the life they created together. Somehow, they both took the pain and the loss from their lives and turned it into something beautiful. It was the thing she was most grateful for in life.
"Now, can I get you something?"
It was the first thing he ever said to her. He grinned, remembering her bad mood the day he met her, or how her grin felt like he won the ultimate prize. And he had. He just didn't know on that random day that he took a bartending job, just how great that prize would be.
But he knew now—he knew every time he looked at her. And as long as she kept looking at him like that, he knew that he would only love her more every day, for the rest of his life.
And looking right back, she was thinking about something very similar without his knowledge. She was remembering the night she got drunk and cried in his arms. And it was something very specific that made her think of that moment.
It was the feeling that she was finally enough.