I am not J.K. Rowling, I own nothing except for a red fuzzy blanket and my own experience
I don't own the sound of music
I don't own the song "Smile" (NOT Avril's version, I promise)
This story touches rather close to home.
Close to heart.
It's dedicated to all the people that have been held behind by their own fears, self-loathing, and doubts.
It's dedicated to all the people who didn't give up, and all the people that did.
The Pretty Little Lily
The pretty little lily lay
Then got up on her knees and began to pray
Make me forget the pain of yesterday
Make me strong for another day
At age eleven, she was diagnosed.
Lily Evans stared at the little cardboard poster.
Do you have Clinical Depression?
In little clouds around it were small sentences.
Do you have difficulty concentrating?
Are you always tired?
Do you feel as if you are worth anything?
Is your cup half empty?
Are you sleeping normally?
Are you losing interest in things you like?
Any changes in appetite?
How about cramps or headaches?
Do you feel empty?
Have you had thoughts of suicide?
Lily looked at the questions carefully. Then blinked. Why did this even matter anyway? She sat back in the burgundy chair and yawned. She'd be going to Hogwarts soon, but the excitement didn't stir within her as it usually did. 'I am excited!' She thought, ignoring the fact that she was just trying to convince herself. 'I am!'
Her mother appeared at the door of the little office.
"You can come back in now sweetheart."
Lily got up and followed her mother to an almost identical little office, except this one had a person behind the desk. Lily sat in an identical chair to the burgundy one, except that this one was a sickly shade of sea foam green.
"So Lily, you have been feeling as though it's hard to concentrate, correct?"
Lily nodded.
They went through the list similarly until the bit on suicide came up.
Lily shook her head. "No. Definitely not!"
The councilor smiled, "Of course not."
The woman went over her notes for a bit and then looked up.
"Your daughter has all the symptoms of Clinical Depression-"
"-Not the suicidal thoughts." Lily reminds. It is important that the woman knows this.
"No, not them, but you still have Clinical Depression. I am going to subscribe some medication, and as time goes on, we'll increase the amount."
The next year, she gets progressively worse.
It's criminally easy to hide from everyone but herself.
She's stupid though.
They probably know.
Her friends are smarter than she is.
They just don't care.
Oh wait
Friend.
Not plural.
He just doesn't care.
Why does Sev even put up with her? She's so whiny and selfish.
His dad hates him.
He has it so much worse than her, and yet she's the one with depression.
She's disgusted with herself.
And the pretty little lily lay
Her self-esteem started to decay
But she wasn't strong enough to say
I don't feel alright today
At age twelve, she is struggling.
She has Sev, but she hasn't told him. She becomes friends with Alice, who's a third year. Lily seems strong on the outside, but in reality has tissue paper skin. She knows that Sev would rather hang out with his Slytherin friends, and she honestly doesn't blame him. Alice is really busy with all her elective homework, so there's not really anyone to talk to in her own house. At Lunch, Lily sits with Miranda Goshawk. No, that isn't correct. She sits with Miranda's book, The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Two.
Lily hasn't told anyone about her depression. She can function with it, and it really didn't matter that much. If she told people, they'd treat her like glass.
She doesn't want to be treated like glass.
Schoolwork keeps her busy during the day, but at night when she's trying to sleep, thoughts of how absolutely worthless she is fill her mind.
Tuney is right.
She really is a Freak.
She isn't smart enough to deserve Hogwarts. She doesn't deserve anything as special as this castle.
She's ugly too. Her nose is too big and her eyes look weird. They're too green. All the natural colors of her body just make her look gaudy and out of place she decides.
With that ugly thought firmly latched into her mind, Lily rolls over and goes to sleep.
And the pretty little lily lay
She knew that her pain was here to stay
And though she walked on day by day
She was afraid she'd loose her way.
At age Thirteen, she has fooled herself.
Lily is quick to laugh and to make others laugh. She pursues the Marauders for their wrongdoing mercilessly and laughs until she can't see straight with Alice.
Her life is very nearly perfect.
Depression is behind her!
Or so she has told herself so many times that she believes it.
During a Hogsmeade weekend, the entire Gryffindor house third year and up is gone.
Lily decides to take full advantage of the practically-empty tower (She thinks she might be coming down with the flu) and take a wonderful long shower.
She is singing, loudly she knows, but no first or second year is going to tell a third year to shut up.
She's rocking out when she spots it.
The razor.
It looks at her accusingly and a memory comes to her unbidden from many years ago.
"Lily! Don't slam windows!"
"Mum, I'm not stupid! I'm not going to get my hand caught in it," a young Lily giggled.
"No, that's not it." Her mum sighed. "Show me your arm."
Lily held the small limb out and her mother took it in her hands. Her mum flipped it over and pointed to a green vein in her wrist.
"If the window shatters and a bit of glass cuts that vein, you can bleed to death in minutes."
Wide eyed, Lily promised to never slam a window.
Lily looks at the small fogged-over window and then at her wrist. She realizes the razor is in her other hand. She flings the razor down and looks at it.
It'd be easy. A part of her says.
It wouldn't even hurt at all.
No one would have to put up with you.
You have nothing to offer the world.
You are a freakish ugly stupid selfish leech Lily Evans.
If anyone knew what you were really like, they'd ditch you in a second.
You don't even deserve to take other people's air!
And her hand slowly reaches across the floor to the razor.
And she recoils.
Ohmygod!
No!
How could she even consider that?
No no no no no no no no!
She covers her ears and begins to sing quietly through tears, sinking to the floor of the shower.
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds, in the sky,
You'll get by...
Strangely, Lily actually feels much better after that-experience.
She's still Selfish, no doubt about that, but at least she knows she's not Selfish enough to take the easy way out.
Plus Lily couldn't do that to her mother.
And the pretty little lily lay
And watched the other people play
Make me stronger than I am today
No more pain, take it all away
When she was fourteen, she laughed and was happy.
She was an actress.
Lily didn't feel happy.
She knows that everything is going to be okay someday, but she wants it to be okay now.
In November, a good-looking chinese boy named Timmy Chang (that Lily has had an aiming-to-high crush on since the middle of third year) approaches her with red-stained cheeks.
"Um, Lily, right, er, willyougotohogsmeadewithme?"
Lily blinks, "Sorry, what was that?"
He takes a deep breath and repeats, "Will you go to Hogsmeade with me? Tomorrow?"
Lily blushes a bright shade of pink. "Yes."
He looks relieved. "I'll meet you in the Great Hall at nine?"
Lily nods. She makes her way to the Gryffindor table and slides in next to Alice, who finally is in the same lunch period.
Alice squeals, and Lily gives a small but true smile.
Timmy is a perfect gentleman as the two of them go window shopping and stop by the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer. Timmy gives her a kiss on the cheek before going to get the delicious drink.
Lily sits there happily when ugh, the Marauders come up.
"Bribing people to date you young Lily-Flower? Tut tut," says Black, shaking his head.
Lily can't help notice that Potter looks positively angry and alarmed after hearing that.
"Is there a problem here?" Timmy asks mildly, putting the two butterbeers on the table.
"We were just leaving Timmy," Remus says sincerely with an apologetic look towards the couple. "Isn't that right Sirius?"
Sirius allows himself to be dragged out of the restaurant with Potter's hand clamped over his mouth and Remus' holding his hands back.
Lily feels foolish. Timmy probably just asked her out of pity.
As if anyone would want to go out with her.
Oh please.
She completely ignores the way Timmy had blushed his way through asking her.
There is a Yuletide Ball in December. Timmy asks her, and Lily says yes with a blush of her own. She looks into her room's mirror and feels pretty for the first time in a very long time. She has a beautiful green dress with a glittery white sash, and her vivid red hair gives her a festive touch that no one else has.
Timmy is waiting for her outside of the Common Room. Lily feels like she's floating. Today she isn't ugly, selfish, freakish, or stupid. Today, finally, she is pretty and smart, and with all the volunteer decorating she did, she definitely isn't selfish. Freakish, well, she was surrounded by freaks then. Who cared? Right now, Lily didn't. She manages to hold onto this feeling for nearly an hour, when she leaves the dance floor to go after Timmy, who had left to get punch a minute before.
"Lovely Slytherin colors Evans!" Black says slightly nastily as he walks by with Pettigrew.
"Wonderful Gryffindor spirit!" Says Pettigrew with an awful slow clap.
Hot tears spring to her eyes, and Lily expertly swallows them down.
"Let's go dance," Says Timmy kindly, and he steers her back onto the floor.
But her happiest moment since she was much younger has passed, and as she dances, she sees the places where she could've done the decorations better, and just didn't. She bumps into someone, and they give her a look, muttering "smart one" under their breath. Lily blushes.
Timmy and her eventually and mutually break up, but she gains a very good friend.
Not before she gets her first kiss though.
At least she won't die never having kissed someone.
She thought she would before.
And the pretty little lily lay
Stood up, but then began to sway
Fell to the ground, sank in a bit of the way
And clung to the hour of that day
When she is fifteen, there is an inkling of hope.
This won't last forever. Eventually things will get better.
While there are some days she can barely get out of bed, there are days where she jumps out of bed and feels ready to face people.
She has really found four true friends, Frank, Alice, Timmy, and Sev.
She never thought she'd really have more than Sev in her life.
Alice and Frank (who's a year older as well) start dating, and they are the cutest couple Lily has ever seen.
She ends up spending a lot of time in the Ravenclaw common room with Timmy and sometimes, though hardly ever, Sev.
Timmy very much enjoys throwing small balls of parchment at her while they study, and after she snatches one right out of the air without looking, he tries to bully her into trying out for Seeker.
Lily isn't really sure about flying though, and argues against it. Of course she wins. Every single time sucker!
Potter has begun to bug her more persistently now. Every day in fact.
The way he asks her though, is not likely yo make her say yes.
"Evans, I'll give you your book back if you go to Hogsmeade with me!"
A quick hex and a few fierce words later, she would be back to reading: "A Girl's Guide to Charms".
That's why the Ravenclaw Common Room was so great.
She'd like to see Potter try to solve a riddle without exploding his over-inflated head.
There's the word. The word he swore he'd never say.
Lily had put her now- thin-as-paper skin on the line for him and this was how he repaid her?
Never again.
If he came crawling back she'd- she'd-she'd let him go.
He wouldn't have to put up with her, and she wouldn't hear that word directed at her from someone she liked. Loved.
"He was my best friend," She whispered to Alice
She sobbed herself to sleep that night.
And the pretty little lily lay
Knew things would be okay someday
Suffered a setback in the worst way
But refused to let hope fly away
At age sixteen, most is well.
Lily Evans is your average teenage witch.
She's good at Charms and Potions, and has the sharpest eyes, in both color and sight.
Potter consistently asks her out, and she refuses each and every time.
She doesn't know why any more though.
Oh never mind, she just remembered. She brushes the fake snow off her shoulders and continues talking to Alice.
She has her days, never doubt that, but she's getting there. She knows that one day, her life will be perfect. Soon.
The pretty little lily lay
And decided that no longer would she be that way
She knew that she'd get up someday
And the sun in return gave her some warm rays
At seventeen, the dark days are, at last, completely gone.
Though in the words of someone wise, "As long as the is light, there will be darkness."
She probably mixed it up though.
Who cares?
Lily didn't.
And when Potter asks her out, she finally says yes.
If it doesn't work out.
*shrug*
Oh well.
She steals Timmy's broom and finally flies for the first time.
It's the best thing she's ever done, and Lily can't help but sing.
"The HILLS are alive!"
And so is she.
And that's the most beautiful thing of all.
The pretty little lily no longer lay
She said screw this and stood up one day
Other people can say what they wish to say
She'd roll her eyes and go on her merry way
Thank you for reading