filius est pars patris
a son is part of the father
Because I haven't been able to stop thinking about a little boy with blue eyes and a cheeky grin who pulls his mommy back from the rabbit hole every day. You don't have to have read fugaces labuntur anni to understand, in fact this is a prequel. All you need to know is that Castle died in Dreamworld, and Kate was pregnant from their night in the bathroom.
When Martha startles awake, it's to a sucking sense of urgency and the desperate touch of Katherine's fingers at her shoulder. Even in the velvety darkness of – oh man – three in the morning, her daughter in law's eyes are wide and beseeching and so rich with life. They've talked about it some, she and Katherine. The younger woman hopes that the baby has his father's eyes, but Martha knows how much her son would have wanted the opposite.
After all, Katherine's eyes were the very first thing about her that grabbed a hold of him. The thing that he couldn't stop talking about for days after he first met the beautiful, willowy detective who didn't cut him any sort of slack. There's a sheen of sweat at Katherine's forehead and then she grits her teeth and drops a hand to the mattress to keep herself standing, the ripple of tension across her stomach visible even underneath her shirt.
"Martha." She says quietly, after a minute or so where she seems to climb inside of herself, all of the shutters slamming down. "Baby's coming."
Oh God. Okay.
Richard is gone. Richard is never going to meet his baby. Richard is not here to help his fiancée through the birth of their child, so Martha will be here instead. "Alright darling. Has your water broken?"
"No. But the contractions are maybe five minutes apart." Katherine says, sucking in a breath through her teeth.
Martha shoves the sheets away from her legs and climbs out of bed, settling a palm at Katherine's spine, low down where her hips flare. With her free hand, she peels her quasi-daughter's hand off of the mattress and takes as much of the younger woman's weight as she can, dropping a kiss to the top of Katherine's head. "We have to get to the hospital, honey. Why didn't you wake me sooner?"
"I figured one of us should get as much sleep as possible." She grunts, straightening up slowly and releasing a long breath. "I called Lanie and my dad to meet us there."
Cupping Katherine's elbows in her palms, Martha guides the detective to sit on the bed and tucks the wild spill of her curls back behind her ear. "Let me just get dressed. Are you alright to go like that or did you want to change?"
"I'm good like this." Katherine manages a smile, rubbing one hand over her stomach. Swollen with her child, and Martha has never seen her look so radiant as these past few months. Even if grief does hover at the edges of everything they do, just waiting to sink its claws in and drag them both down to drowning.
"Alright. You need anything?"
There's a moment where Katherine goes completely still, even the constant motion of her hand smoothing over her child ceases. And then she lifts her head and the liquid heat that floods her eyes spills right over and down her cheeks, her mouth open on a sob that never makes it out.
"I need him. Martha. Oh God. How do I do this without him?"
Abandoning all notions of giving Katherine space, Martha moves to sit at her side and wraps a slender arm around her shoulders, so very grateful when Katherine sinks into her side and rests her head in the curve where Martha's neck meets her shoulder.
"It will be hard. But you're so strong, Katherine. And you're not alone. I'm here, and Jim and Dr Parish will be right there with you too. And Alexis." Martha murmurs against the shell of the younger woman's ear. The very worst part about all of this is that Martha can picture so clearly just how excited her son would be. Absolutely overjoyed, and enraptured with his fiancée and with the baby.
They both know it, and the spectre of Richard's absence looms heavily. Martha stands slowly and squeezes Katherine's shoulder, stepping inside of the closet to dress as hurriedly as she can. From outside, the slow hiss of air through Katherine's teeth is the only hallmark of another contraction, but all the same it spurs Martha on.
She only hopes the baby will be a balm to help heal the ragged edges of their grief.
Her son.
Her son, and he's the most perfect thing she's ever seen.
Only five hours old. She can't believe he's here, can't manage to take her eyes off of him. Martha and Alexis and Lanie and her father all took a turn to hold him and then the boys and Jenny crowded into the hospital room as well. Everyone fawning over Kate's son, yes, but she's not stupid. She knows a lot of it was about showing her she's not alone. That her son is loved, and that Kate herself is too. Now though, they're all home sleeping and Kate gets to have her beautiful baby boy all to herself.
Bittersweet, the fact that she doesn't have to share. If Rick were here, he'd be clamouring for a turn with their son. Letting her eyes slip closed, Kate imagines how the baby would be dwarfed against Castle's broad chest, the look on his face when he stared down at this amazing little person they've made together.
The baby stirs, rooting at her chest and a little fist escapes from the blanket, opening out so tiny fingers splay at the bare skin above the neckline of Kate's shirt. Stroking a finger over the curve of her son's cheek, Kate bites her lip to battle back the choke of raw emotion. It's so hard to distinguish between the love that pours over her in waves, the lightning bolt that Castle told her about, and the suffocating grief of not having him here for this.
"Hi, my sweet boy. Mommy's here." The baby's eyelids open, the thin skin peeling back to reveal eyes as startling blue as his father's. Kate leans down and dusts her mouth to his forehead, his cheek, the smell of him already so familiar.
His eyes settle on her face and she laughs softly, tears spilling over again. She doesn't care anymore. It doesn't matter. Her little boy is here, her son, and her tears are half in delight. "Oh, hi beautiful boy. Hello. I love you."
Her words are only for her son, murmured against the tiny, perfect shell of his ear, and Kate cradles his skull in her palm. So much hair, all of the nurses have commented on it. Her father said that Kate's son is like his mother in that respect, dark hair sticking up all over the place when he was born just like Kate.
"Alexander James, you are so loved." She hums for him, grinning when his eyes startle open at the sound of his mother's voice. "You heard me, huh baby? Yeah? Hi. I'm your mommy."
Oh god, her son. She can't actually believe that he's here, that together she and Castle made this perfect little person with thoughts and ideas and a whole life spanning ahead of him. A life without his father, and that guts her, but she's so in love with her baby boy that for the first time since she lost Rick, his absence is not at the forefront of her mind.
Instead, the tiny fingers and toes and perfect rosebud mouth and long, fragile lashes of her son. "I wish your daddy was here, sweet boy. He would love you so much."
Alexander roots at Kate's chest again, a mewling cry clueing her in to what he needs. Kate lifts her shirt and unfastens the nursing bra, guides the baby to latch on at her breast. He didn't have any trouble figuring out what he's supposed to do here and he sucks greedily, his fingers opening and closing into a fist over and over again where his hand rests at her chest.
"There you go, little man. You're pretty hungry, huh?" She murmurs, and her voice startles him so he stops feeding and his head tips back to look at her. "I'm sorry, baby." She laughs, smoothing her thumb in gentle circles at his crown over and over again until he refocuses his attention at her breast.
Her body aches all over, and more than anything she wishes Castle were here. Falling all over himself trying to get her whatever she needs, when really all she needs is the warmth of him next to her and the touch of his mouth.
It's not that she's worried she can't do it alone; Martha and Alexis and Jim have all volunteered to help her as much as she needs. It's just that Rick is – was – such a wonderful father to Alexis. And she can't help but feel as if she's cheated her son out of it.
The little boy who Alexis named and who is named for Jim too. Her son, so loved by so many people. Right there, in the hospital bed with her brand new little boy in her arms, Kate vows to herself and to him that she'll try to get this right. Be the best mom she can be, and try to do for her son what Castle would have. Make everything an adventure.
She's better at it, now. Fun, laughter, enveloping the joy in her life and grabbing onto it with both hands. Even though Rick's loss is crushing, she's better for having loved him.
"Alexander." Kate hums against her son's cheek, dusting a kiss there and then pulling back just enough to look at him. "Daddy loves you so much. So, so much, baby. And Mommy too, and Gram and Papa and your sister and your aunts and uncles."
Already, her son's eyes are slipping closed. There's a bassinet right next to the bed and the nurses told her to put Alexander down when he was sleeping, to try and get some sleep herself. She just. . .can't make herself let go of him. This perfect, beautiful little boy who she loves so much. Even though it hurts, to see so much of Castle in him, it's good too. So good to still have a piece of the man she loves with her.
Kate shifts the pillows and lies down in the hospital bed, her son's weight comforting and familiar on her chest, and she sleeps.
There will probably be more of this.
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