Nights of Neglect Will Soon Be Over – Chapter 1
In the weeks since that disastrous "Afternoon Delight" performance Emma spent most of each day with her stomach in a knot, wishing that the earth would open and swallow her up. As if the embarrassment of that day wasn't enough, standing onstage in the auditorium with all of those eyes on her as she desperately tried to explain her Celibacy Club song choice … it only got worse after that. Carl had asked Holly for a "couple's session" – for advice about their sex life. Their non-existent sex life. Why she had agreed to go and expose the intimate details of her life to this woman she didn't like or trust or have anything in common with was beyond her … but it was Carl's idea and she owed him that much.
What Emma didn't count on was Holly cutting directly to the heart of the matter by asking about Will. More specifically, about Emma's feelings for Will. Emma's unresolved, still churning, still warm, still real …feelings for Will. And for some reason, for some inexplicable reason, Emma didn't deny it. No, she didn't say "yes I still love Will" … but she didn't say "no". That would have been an out and out lie. Carl looked stunned and sick and sad when he got up to go to the Radisson, but Emma didn't pursue him. In fact, as badly as she felt about hurting him, at that moment she felt so overwhelmed by what was unfolding she couldn't move from her chair.
Holly assured her that she wouldn't say anything to Will … "My lips are sealed … just like your legs …" Emma was not amused, but the last thing she needed right now was the added confusion of having Will know what was going on.
And what WAS going on? Emma didn't know. All she did know was that the days and nights were starting to blend together. For two days after Carl moved to the Radisson Emma tried to call him, wanting to explain. She left long, faltering voice mails asking him to call back or at least text to let her know he was okay. Three days later Emma picked up her iPhone to find an email from Carl, short and to the point.
He was sorry for the delay in getting back to her, but it had been a long, tough week and he hadn't been ready to talk to her. Sitting down in her desk chair Emma read the rest of the message:
I'm still here at the Radisson but leaving for a few days for business. I'm interviewing with that practice I told you about in Connecticut. I will call you when I get back. In the meantime, I've spoken with my lawyer about drawing up annulment papers … for obvious reasons. It will be quick and fairly painless. Take care of yourself.
Carl
Annulment. No talk, no mutual decision, done. "Annulment papers … for obvious reasons" the phrase ran through her mind over and over. Obvious reasons, like never having sex … like never being ready to be intimate with her handsome husband … like never even getting close to letting him touch you unless you imagined it was a different man. Imagining it was Will. But even then, his touch was different and you couldn't continue. It was nice enough, and god knows he is good-looking, but he's not Will and without letting herself admit it, that would always stop her from getting truly close to any other man.
Even so, Emma couldn't believe this was happening. All of the air released from Emma's lungs. She felt slightly dizzy, a bit nauseous. In fact, for a minute or two she put her head down to make the faint feeling go away. She kept breathing slowly … in through the nose out through the mouth. At least she had learned something during her short time in therapy last year with Dr. Shane, how to prevent a full-on panic attack.
In a few minutes she felt better, like she could sit up straight and actually make it to her car. Thank goodness the day was over. Emma forced herself to pay close attention to the road on her way home. She felt like she was in some altered universe as she pulled into the parking lot of the condo, made her way into the building and slid the key into the lock.
Emma walked in, kicking off her shoes and tossing her Kate Spade coat across the railing in the foyer. From there to her bedroom in anything but a typical fashion Emma started to disrobe, letting her cardigan, then her blouse and finally her skirt fall on the floor as she walked. Finally in the bathroom the shower water hit her skin, warm and steamy. Emma leaned against the wall and let herself get lost in her thoughts with nothing else but the enveloping moisture and heat.
In those minutes in the shower Emma came to a realization. She knew that this was it. No matter what the future held for her … no matter if she spent the rest of her life a lonely virgin … this was it. Time to take responsibility for what was happening. It wasn't Holly … god how she wanted to blame Holly for pressing the issue of Will in front of Carl … but it wasn't about her. And it wasn't Carl either. Yes, he was threatened by Will for most of their relationship. And why not? During their first date Emma spent the entire evening talking about the glee club and their handsome director … "the cutest teacher at McKinley" she'd called him … not much of a way to show interest in a new man. But over time and through Carl's charm and persistence, Emma's focus on Will faded. They got closer, it was fun and some sense of freedom was coming over Emma. But with the freedom also came just the opposite. She began to feel that in showing her ways to be free of certain OCD behaviors, Carl had actually begun, perhaps unknowingly, to manipulate her. By suggesting a spur of the moment trip to Vegas that weekend in November, Carl had made the quickie wedding seem like as much fun as the spontaneous "sheer madness" of mixing green and red grapes in the same bowl.
But Emma couldn't blame him. She could have stopped it and she didn't. She wanted to believe that it would be a good thing, marrying a handsome, successful man who was crazy about her. It was supposed to be uncomplicated. But looking back now Emma knew that lying to herself and running away from reality was far from uncomplicated.
And then something happened. A moment of absolute clarity brought on by one of the most shocking, titillating, frightening, exciting, unbelievable moments of Emma's life. It came at exactly 1:35pm on a Thursday afternoon last month. Before she met Holly. Before Sex Ed. Before "Afternoon Delight". And now she understood that it was her moment of truth which came in the form of a special announcement from Sue Sylvester broadcast over the PA system to the entire school. The entire school. It was Will's drunk dial message. Just hearing his voice utter the words, "Hey sexy lady …" took her breath away. Who? When? Why? Surely this wasn't' really Will calling Sue of all people. But it all became clear as Will continued …"I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my life." Emma couldn't believe her ears that day. Surely this was a dream … or a nightmare … no, a dream. A good dream. A really nice, good dream. She felt it deep in her heart, butterflies in her tummy … pressure through her pelvis for god's sake. This was really happening. And while she knew that her first response should have been embarrassment, she felt oddly exhilarated. Other words and phrases came and went … "wine coolers", "let's get crazy", "roll in the hay", "I rode a bull and thought of you …"
Yes, that's when she first knew that Will still had some kind of hold on her. But instead of admitting it Emma spent the coming weeks keeping things light with Will … making sure never to be alone with him. When possible, she totally avoided him. She needed distraction. And then the opportunity to become the faculty advisor to the Celibacy Club provided the perfect solution to put the brakes on her pent up feelings of desire and frustration. Yes, Emma decided, helping young girls hold onto their virginity well into adulthood would become her new cause. And what better shining example than Emma herself.
But now she knew that the old adage really is true … you can run, but you cannot hide. Without meaning to, Holly Holliday had provided her with a lesson that would prove to be more profound than all of the Sex Ed classes in the world.
So, as she turned off the shower and stepped out to dry herself off, she wiped the condensation from the mirror, Emma looked at herself through the steam. Staring into her own eyes she spoke aloud to herself, speaking the truth for the first time in a long time.
"Emma Pillsbury, you're not confused. You're in love. You're in love with Will and you can deny it forever to the rest of the world, but you'll always know it's true."
The following week at work started out as a busy one. Emma was grateful for that. It definitely helped her focus and kept her daydreams at a relative minimum. She decided that it would be premature to remove her wedding ring or change her nameplate. She hadn't yet heard from Carl again and she certainly didn't want to invite any questions from her colleagues. Not Figgins. God knows not Sue. And certainly not Will. She had no clue about how to handle that, but for now it didn't matter.
By midweek Carl returned to Lima and called Emma. They spoke briefly, Carl making it clear that there was nothing to discuss, that he had hoped it would work, but it didn't and that he was indeed moving to Stamford, Connecticut to join the practice of an old friend from dental school. Emma didn't try to force him to listen to her regrets or apologies, but she did sit at her desk throughout the call fighting back tears. With the understanding that Carl would be in touch again when the annulment papers were ready to be signed, they bid each other a quiet "goodbye".
In that moment, hanging up the phone, Emma was again reminded of how much she hated working in an office with glass walls. She wanted to be alone and unseen, invisible to the outside world. She wanted to shake and sob and let go completely, but she couldn't … especially now as classes were ending for the day. So she dabbed her eyes and nose with a tissue and resolved to save the tears for her next steamy shower. Regaining some composure, Emma looked up to see Shannon's body filling the outline of her door frame. She had a kind smile on her face. Emma really liked Shannon. She recognized her sweetness and while she felt like being alone right now, if she had to talk to a co-worker, Emma felt safe with Shannon.
Motioning her in, Shannon opened the door. "Hey Emma, long time no see!" Emma hesitated then began rambling to fill the conversation with something, anything that wouldn't involve talking about her sad sorry life. "Uh, well, I've been busy finishing up a bunch of transcripts for some of the juniors applying for early acceptance … which of course means a lot of checking and double checking grade point averages and making sure they go out on time, because of course all of the colleges and universities have different deadlines and I have to help these kids keep it all straight because it's new to them and some of them are applying for scholarships …" She'd gone from rambling to fast-talking, gaining so much momentum Shannon couldn't keep up.
"OK, OK Emma," Shannon interrupted and chuckled good-heartedly. "No need to describe every second of your day … just haven't seen you in the teacher's lounge lately. I miss my lunch buddies. You with your paperwork, Will with yoga class … I've been lonely."
Emma stopped, almost stunned at the sound of his name being spoken by Shannon. "Will? Yoga? What's that about?" Emma's curiosity was piqued.
Shannon went on to explain that Will has been going to yoga classes 3 days a week at lunch time … with Holly. Holly Holliday. How could that be happening? Now she was really distracted, but Shannon continued. "Anyway, the reason I stopped by was to see if I could interest you and your handsome husband in a couple of tickets to a fundraiser this Friday for New Directions trip to Nationals. They're really struggling … as you know! Despite all their successes, Sue keeps pilfering their budget. In the off season I told Figgins I'd help out with some of the other school organizations. Anyway, tickets are $15 a piece or $25 per couple. Can we count on you and Carl? I know it's kind of last minute."
Emma's immediate reaction to almost any social invitation was "no" … but she figured she could at least pay for a ticket. Even if she didn't go, the glee club needed her support. Reaching for her bag, she pulled out a ten and a five and handed it to Shannon.
"Only one ticket? What do dentists have against show choir?"
Emma, still sick over the yoga at lunch news, pretended to laugh, "It will just be me. Carl's away for a dentist's meeting. You know … a meeting with other dentists." She was ill at ease, and it showed.
"Well, I hope you'll come. There's going to be a special guest appearance!"
"Who?"
Shannon answered, being somewhat comical. Not to hurt Emma, of course. She liked Emma. She thought she was odd, but Shannon liked odd. She simply had no idea that while her pal Will had been pining away for Emma, the embers were still smoldering in return. "Holly is performing! She really has a decent set of pipes and evidently the guy she's been seein' got her to agree to sing a song or two."
Emma was now paying full attention to what Shannon had to say. And she had to admit she felt relieved by the news of a man in Holly's life. "Oh, good … um, I mean … goodness … I didn't know Holly had a boyfriend! Anyone we know?" The relief was fleeting as Shannon replied, "Who? Are you serious? I guess that's what happens when you blow off lunch in the teacher's lounge … your gossip tank gets pretty low. Anyway, she and Will have been pretty hot and heavy for a few weeks."
Again, Shannon knew about Will and Emma had some romantic history, and that Will had carried a torch for her the entire time she'd known him this year, but she had no idea that Emma was anything less than a happy newlywed with a handsome successful dentist for a husband. As she stood there telling her about the benefit, little did she know that Emma's heart was sinking fast. This piece of news about Will and Holly was even more upsetting than the email from Carl.
Holly. Oh god no. Not Holly. Holly who knew her secret was dating the man who was at the center of that secret. Had she been dating him all along? Is that why she asked if Emma was still in love with him? Or had she decided to go out with him after learning about Emma's feelings? Honestly, it didn't matter. The point was that in her confusion about her love life, she'd lost Will. Lost him to a woman who was tall and attractive. A woman who was comfortable in her skin. She exuded sex. The thought of Will and Holly and sex made Emma want to retreat to the condo and roll up in the fetal position for the rest of her life.
Emma, now totally distracted, barely noticed as Shannon left the single ticket on her desk, said she'd see her on Friday night, and left the office.
It was an emotional couple of days after that, but somehow Emma put one foot in front of the other and kept showing up for her obligations. She couldn't stay in bed under the covers. If she gave in to all of the sadness and fear and hopelessness she didn't know what would become of her. So she stuck to her schedule and her commitments at school till the end of the week when, oddly enough, she decided to go to the fundraiser. She didn't want to talk to Will. And she certainly didn't want to see him with Holly. But if she could avoid him at school, certainly she could make a brief appearance at the benefit to show her support … and then make a quick exit before she had to be faced with Will and Holly.
Will and Holly arrived early on Friday evening, walking into the cafeteria to join a few of the glee club members to set up the stage for the show. Puck, Lauren, Mike and Tina were already there and had made a lot of progress with the sound system, already doing sound checks. Eventually Finn showed up, then Sam and Santana.
Holly returned from the Ladies Room wearing the black dress that she'd decided upon for her solo performance tonight. She looked sleek and elegant, her hair pulled back tightly. Will turned from the stage to see her standing talking to Brittany. She was striking, no doubt about it. But there was a distance, a detachment that he'd noticed with Holly. They'd only been going out for a few weeks … and as Will had expected she was lots of fun. Bowling. Movies. Playing pool at the local roadhouse. But something had happened … or not happened … between them. Will had assumed that sex would be great with Holly. She was so free and easy about everything. Instead the physical side of their relationship hadn't quite ignited the way he'd envisioned. She seemed unable to take that step with him, and it didn't make sense. Holly clearly had no hang-ups about sex, and she really seemed to like him. It was odd. Most recently just two nights ago, alone at his apartment, Will had made a move to kiss Holly while they waited for the pizza to be delivered. She dodged his advances. It was weird and uncomfortable, but after a few funny stories about her most recent teaching experiences things slid back into their normal tempo for the rest of the evening. Still, after Holly left that night, Will laid in bed alone feeling numb and confused. The laughter had worn off. And other feelings began to stir. And they weren't connected to Holly.
(Reviews are greatly appreciated. My intention was to try and get all of NON into one chapter, but it would be too long so I'm splitting it up. Be honest! Want to know what you all think of this direction. Also special thanks to Mike, Paige, Charlotte, Nicole, Rebecca … all of those Wemma Shippers who inspire me and get me through the day!)
.