You Never Forget 'The One That Got Away', a csi fanfic

A/N: I managed not only to find this little one on my computer but also talk myself into putting it up here. Before you read I'd like to apologise for my at times appalling grammar - fourteen years of schooling couldn't knock it out of me so I don't see a miracle happening anytime soon. I also apologise if anyone finds the characters a little bit out of it, but hey its my story and well I didn't know how else to write it. I finish my ramble with the classic I own nothing speech, if you find mine a little boring feel free to write your own.

I watch as my mother's jaw drops as she walks in, I'm not surprised her gasp is met by those she once called her colleagues as they sat around a table celebrating my twenty first. My mind travels back to the last time I saw her.

Here we lay face to face once again
Silence cuts like a knife as we pretend.
And I'm wondering who will be to first to say what we both know
We're just holding on to could have beens and we should be letting go.

I'd watched as she sat next to my mother's bed guitar in hand, she did this a lot, sang songs to her whilst she was asleep. Never the same song always holding a message. This song however seemed to final, as if they had a fight and she was going to leave.

It feels like your a million miles away as your lying here with me tonight.
I can't even find the words to say
I can find a way to make it right.
And we both know that the story's ending
We play the part but we're just pretending
And I can't hide the tears cause even though your here
It feels like your a million miles away.

I could see the dried tears on my mother's face and I could hear them in her voice. She'd promised me she'd never hurt my mother, she looked me in the eye and pinkie promised me she'd never hurt her like my father had. I thought she was different, someone who would love my mother with her heart never causing her pain….I guess I was wrong

Was it me, or was it you that broke away?
For what we were is like a season
Love is change and every time I think about it
It tears me up inside.
Like the rivers of emotion but I got no more tears to cry.

I watched as she whispered something in my mother's ear before kissing her softly on the lips, and walked to the side, as she carefully placed something on my mother's bedside table and wiped the tears from her eyes. Walking out she saw me and a single tear ran unashamed down the side of her face.

She took my hand and led me to my room, I knew I was too old to be tucked in but allow her to anyway. Once she's done she lay down next to me and gently stroked the hair from my eyes, "how come you couldn't sleep?"

"How come your leaving?" my voice carries more anger than I had intended it to. She looks at me and for the first time I saw her broken - an image that still haunts me now.

We can try to talk it over but we walked that road before
While our song is playing its last note
We both know for sure that it's time to close that door.

"Occasionally we have to do things we hate to show we love a person. Sometimes you have to leave to prevent your love from leaving." She smiled "You'll understand one day" she looked at me once again and motioned for me to hug her. That night as I fell asleep I heard her whisper "I'm sorry, I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you."

When I awoke she was gone.

It destroyed my mother, the pain of losing her. I lost her for a year or more as she came to terms with losing the woman who was once her fiancée. She told me she a few years later she was amazed she'd stayed as long as she had, she said she it was the over way around she'd of left months before. Unbeknown to me they'd been having arguments for awhile and she'd slowly begun to destroy the relationship through her own hand, she never said how and if I'm honest with myself I don't want to know.

I know she never left me completely; I'd receive letters whenever I gained an achievement and often felt as if she was watching me. Her letter when I graduated High School made tears come to my eyes

'Lindsey Willows,

You are the crowning achievement of you mother's life and each breath you take brings joy to her heart and your graduation caused her to weep pride from every pore.

You walk now with the esteem of a woman who knows who she is and what she expects from life. It brought me great joy to observe the loveable girl I once knew, walk across the stage dressed within her gowns as a beautiful mature woman. Your speech impassioned by your infatuation with life and its promises, with the wisdom and wit that entranced me during your youth.

My heart still holds a place for you and your mother, a place that will never cease to exist no matter where life takes me.

I am proud to be in the honoured position that a few can hold claim to – I, Sara Sidle helped Lindsey Willows become the awe inspiring woman she is today.

I will love you forever

Sara '

I never told my mother of the letters that provided reminders for plays and awards I had received, each time I scanned the audience. Not once did I see her but always felt her near.

I watch now as she smiles shyly at the table on her way over to where I am standing, grey now scattered loosely through her brown hair that is tied up in a smooth looking ponytail bangs at the front framing her face, frameless glasses, figure black hugging suit with white shirt underneath, and the I see it the reason for the look of pain in my mothers eyes, in her hand is that of another's. My eyes follow the arm until I see a woman dressed like a goddess in a hunter green dress that brings emphasis her eyes and golden skin . "Hi Lindsey, my god you look so grown up!"

"Hi Sara, well yea the last time you saw me was when I was thirteen" the other woman laughed

"Point taken, Lindsey this is Roxanne Moore, Roxy this is Lindsey Willows"

"Pleasure to meet you" she smiles at me and it was clear to see this woman knew the effect her looks had on people, the same style smile my mother used before she hit the big 5-0. "Hi there Sara, mum and that lot are on the table and they are all waiting to pounce on you"

"You are the only person I offered an explanation too" I nod "let me know when its my turn to dance with the birthday girl" she kisses me on the cheek and I watch as she softly guides Roxy to the bar before heading over to the table.

I make it over to the table before Sara, about twenty odd people must have stopped her on her way, all people I wouldn't expect her to know but she greeted with a hug. "So is Sara and her partner going to join us or are they too good for that?" asks Nick bitterly, they all saw the heartbroken shell my mum became and an absence of Sara and choose to loathe her. "Well think about it Uncle Nick, we can't be the only people here she knows from when she lived here can we? Anyways, her name is Roxanne"

"Why did you invite her anyways Linds?"

"Because once upon a time she was the only person I felt I could confide in without judgement, once upon a time she was an active parental figure in my life. I owe her so much of my life and finally because I wanted to" she walks over and winks at me

"Hi all, I'd like you to met Roxanne Moore, Roxy this is Warrick Brown, Nick Stokes and his wife Rebecca as well as his children James and Steven, Greg Sanders with fiancée Katie Richardson, Sofia Henry and her husband Robert, Mr Jim Brass, Gil Grissom, Mia Dickinson and her child Trey, and last but not least Lindsey's mother Catherine Willows" I noted their shock as well as my own that the introductions of now extended family she would have never of met. "Absolute pleasure to meet you, Sara has told me of how loved she felt during her time in Vegas, always a pleasure to match names with faces." They all mumble their hello's "SO Sara what have you been doing with yourself for the past ten years, other than ignoring us"

"Well Nick as you asked so nicely…" she was cut off my her cell "hello"

"Dylan I said I'm out of bounds this week"

"Dylan stop saying but and tell me why the hell you have interrupted my awkward family union"

"You what!" she covered the mouthpiece "I'm going to take this outside, Roxy if Amy calls its true." She walked out speaking into her phone

"So how did you meet Sara?"

"I met her at the rehab centre, I was there to visit my dad and Sara was a patient."

"Sara was in rehab!"

"Not those kinds of rehab she got shot, one of her knees isn't bone if you get my drift"

"And what you took pity on her?"

"No that's how I met her, we started dating after we met at an appalling art show. She was there for her niece and I was there because my friend was one of the artists as well…we both took a walk talking and ended up at a restaurant." Her phone rang "excuse me one sec" getting it out she sighed "Hey Amy"

"You what? Are you being serious?"

"Well she told me to confirm whatever you said. How did it happen do you know?"

"She walked out to take the call we are at her Star's 21st" my jaw drops as does everyone else's who is pretending not to listen "okay see you soon" she hung up and sighed

"What's wrong?" she shook her head

"Just pretend everything's okay, I got a phone call I just said yes I didn't ask questions you guys aren't intrigued." We all nod unsure of what is going on.

She walked straight past us and up to the bar ordering a line of shots, I counted ten before she downed them all and walked back tension coming off her. I knew from her actions something had happened to someone close to her, I knew this behaviour from my youth. Softly Roxy tickled the back of her neck "as I was saying…" she was interrupted by a Max a friend of mine walking over

"Hey Linds… sorry I'm late" he kissed my cheek on the way up he saw Sara "Prof what are you doing here?"

"Hey Max, you remember my time as a CSI I was telling you about?"

"Shit!" his eyes went wide "you know what I said the other day Prof?" Sara nodded "let's forget it shall we?" Sara smirked "No okay what do I have to do?" Sara sighed

"You have to dance with me then Lindsey"

"That all Prof, push over" Sara arched an eyebrow "and what do I have to do when we get back Prof?"

"I'll hold a vote on it" He nodded "I'll call you when I want my dance" he laughed an walked off "…I went back and invested in a small café with a friend of mine that had a gallery space up the top and finished my doctorate, then I worked at the Hollywood lab until I got taken out by a bullet through the knee eight years ago. I did a stint in rehab and then went back to school and started teaching."

"So your Dr Sidle now?" She nodded "so what do you teach?" She laughed

"Well I thought that would be obvious Nicky."

So there is my first and no doubt my last story that consisted of more then a paragraph. I hope you at least found it readable if not ever so slightly enjoyable.

Jess