The Control Variable
10.
Bruce keeps Tony grounded, in a way he's never experienced before. Maybe it's because Bruce was always so in control, has to be, if he wants to keep the Other Guy at bay. Or maybe it's because of science.
For most of Tony's life, science has been the one stable thing. The control variable in a world where nothing was truly controllable. Bruce was stable in the same way. Change the other variables, and the outcome will be different, but leave it alone, and the control is always the same.
1.
"Why is Daddy so mean?" he asked his mom once she had lead him out of the room. He was five years old.
"He's not mean, he's busy. Someday you'll understand," she said tiredly, brushing her hair out of her eyes.
"But I wasn't doing anything! I just wanted to watch him!"
"Tony, your daddy loves you very much. He just doesn't know how to show you that. I'm sorry if he hurt your feelings." She sat down on the couch.
"Daddy doesn't love me." He curled up in his mother's lap. "Sometimes I pretend that I don't have a daddy. Just you."
She stroked his hair. "He doesn't mean to hurt you," she said softly. "I promise."
2.
Tony stumbled into his dorm room, laughing at nothing as his friend (were they friends? He couldn't remember) clapped him on the back. He hoped they were friends, as they'd gotten trashed together four times that week.
The first thing Tony realized, upon entering college, was that it sucks to be the smartest person in a room. People were already inclined to dislike him because he entered college so young, but add to that the fact that he was one-upping people three years older than him without even trying, and it was next to impossible to make friends.
The second thing he learned was to keep his mouth shut in classes so as not to make things harder on himself.
The third was that people liked him better when they found him more relatable. And as it turned out, being drunk made him incredibly relatable. When you're drunk, there's nothing to separate you from everyone else who is drunk. Barriers slip away, and it doesn't matter that you're richer than them, smarter than them, funnier than them, or more charismatic than them, because you're all going to wake up with equally large headaches.
Truth be told, it made him feel less alone. The relatable thing went both ways, and Tony found that he liked people better when he was too out of it to care that they didn't understand particle acceleration and it's practical uses in the industry.
4.
Kissing Pepper felt to Tony like the moment you realize you should have stopped three drinks ago, but are too wasted to care. It was like the moment of falling that he always had (and enjoyed probably more than was healthy) before flying into the air. It felt wonderful, and powerful, and in no way like it would last. They could fool themselves for a while, but eventually they would burn out, and Tony would wake up in a strange room with a pounding headache.
7.
When he meets Bruce, he knows he's met someone who can function on his level. He understands Bruce, probably better than any of the other Avengers, because in the end, they're more similar than different. That's how Tony knows, with every fiber of his being, that he'll come through for them, no matter how far from New York he ended up.
Because he knows that secretly, Bruce likes the freedom from control that comes from his transformation.
5.
Dating Pepper didn't leave him feeling any less hollow than sleeping around had. She was nice, and loved him, and on some level he had to admit that it was a good relationship. They would go out to dinner, talk about Stark industry, then go back to Stark Tower to have sex. He would save the world, and she would field the press. It was a good deal. Good balance. But when he would try to talk to her about his arc reactor, or and idea for how to upgrade Jarvis, she would just smile, and he knew that she couldn't really keep up with him when he talked like this.
Like in college, it was really best when he acted less smart and numbed out with a few cocktails. Pepper didn't know how much he was drinking, just that he seemed functional and stable and in no immediate danger of dying. And Tony got to a point where he didn't feel like he could function around other people without having a few drinks first.
When Pepper went on business trips, he begged off going with her. He stayed at home, completely sober (well, maybe not completely) and read things written by famous scientists, wishing he had someone with whom he could argue the merits of String Theory versus Loop Quantum Theory. Pepper was a wonderful woman, and a wonderful CEO, but that didn't change the fact that Tony was starved for decent conversation.
3.
If there had been alcohol in that cave in Afghanistan, Tony probably never would have built the reactor. It would have been easy enough to try to forget, to let it go. But since there wasn't, he got to work, thinking harder than he had in years. How to miniaturize an arc reactor. And would it even work? Now that it was a matter of life and death, he was thinking again, getting excited by tough questions in a way that he didn't know he still could. There was no way he could have failed.
8.
Tony doesn't remember much about his flight into space. Saving the world seems like the kind of thing that should have lasting impact, but the last thing he clearly remembers is making the choice. After that, everything up until the shawarma is a blur.
The shawarma's good, though. He'll have to remember to come here again.
6.
"Well," he said, staring at the information Jarvis had just shown him. "That's not good."
"No, sir, it certainly is not."
"Well, what should I do about it?"
"I'm not sure, sir. There is limited data on the subject. My suggestion would be to change the core of your reactor as soon as possible. Shall I pull up suggested compounds?"
"Yes." Tony sat back in his chair. His chest hurt, but he didn't know if that was real pain from the reactor or pain caused because he thought he should be feeling pain. "Jarvis?"
"Yes, sir?"
"How long do I have?"
"If you cannot find a replacement metal, you'll be dead within six months."
9.
The first time he and Bruce kiss, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. It feels like the moment right before the equation works out, when you suddenly understand. It feels like sobering up, after being drunk so long that you can't quite remember how sober is supposed to feel. The moment when your head is pounding from the hangover, but at least you can think straight again.
The first time Tony Stark kisses Bruce Banner, it feels like coming home.