AJ took the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. So what kind of misadventures did the gang have while Archer was in a coma? Quite a few probably. This might have been one of them.
AJ Is A Star
"I can't believe you're making us go to this," Mallory grumbled as she and the rest of the Figgis Agency went into a large auditorium. "I would rather literally go almost anywhere rather than here."
"Mallory it's for your granddaughter," Ron said. He was with the gang as well. "I would think you would want to see her in a play. Besides you need a break from the hospital. It will do you good."
"One, she doesn't even have a speaking role," Mallory sniffed.
"Since she's what? Three now? I didn't think she would," Ron added.
"And two, shut up!" Mallory glared at him. "And why are you here?"
"It's this new thing called supporting your family?" Ron gave her a look. "Maybe you've heard of it?"
"She's only your step granddaughter," Mallory said.
"She's the only one in this family who doesn't give me any crap," Ron snapped. "Well now that's she's potty trained."
Mallory grumbled. "This is just some stupid fundraiser for County Day. My god you would think with the tuition alone they'd be able to pay for a particle accelerator without any problems!"
"No, just the new sprinkler system," Lana sighed. "It's still a major moment in AJ's life. Her first little play. You have to see how cute she looks in her fairy costume."
"She's playing a fairy?" Mallory sighed.
"Yes," Lana warned. "And no jokes about how Ray could give her pointers!"
"Don't have to," Mallory quipped. "You just did."
"Badum Bump!" Pam whooped.
"Why are you here?" Mallory glared at Pam.
"I'm recording this for Archer," Pam said as she showed her the video camera. "You know? When he gets out of his coma."
"Well what about the rest of you?" Mallory asked.
"Lana told us to come," Ray said.
"On my…" Pam began.
"We're in a school Pam!" Mallory cut her off. "For young children!"
Pam paused for a moment. "Potty?"
"This is going to be a magical night to remember," Mallory groaned. "Krieger I am counting this as one of our outings!"
"I'll take it," Krieger nodded.
"What's that?" Lana asked.
"I made a deal years ago that I have to take Krieger on an outing of some kind a few times a year," Mallory admitted. "Don't ask."
"I won't," Lana said. "Is that why you took him to see the Wiz?"
"Jazz hands!" Krieger sang out, making jazz hands.
"Yes," Mallory groaned.
"The movie or the play?" Ray asked.
"Both," Mallory sighed. "I had an extra ticket both times okay?"
"Jazz hands!" Krieger did it again.
"Ugh why did you make me come to this stupid thing?" Cheryl pouted. "Watching stupid kids act stupid on stage spouting off stupid germs."
"Well this can't be any worse than your country music phase," Mallory grumbled.
"She doesn't even remember that," Ray said.
"Well neither will Abbiejean," Mallory said. "Especially if she has the memory retention skills of her father. Which are none."
"I think that's more related to his drinking," Cheryl said. "Which he got from you. Because you know? You're a drunk old bitch."
"God, I hope you die young," Mallory glared at her.
"One can only dream," Cyril sighed. "Here are some seats for us."
"With the amount of money we pay to put her through school we should have box seats!" Mallory snapped as they sat down.
"Well even County Day doesn't have box seats so…" Lana did a double take. "Oh my God. This auditorium does have box seats."
"Good then we can get an upgrade!" Mallory said.
"They're only for faculty members and special guests," Ron said. "It says so on that sign."
"What do you think I am?" Mallory snapped as she stood up. Ron gave her a look. "Shut up! Ron, come with me! We're going to get better seats!"
"Can't I just stay here and mind my own business?" Ron asked in a tired voice. "Maybe pretend I don't know you?"
"RON!"
"Coming…" Ron sighed as he got up. "Save our seats. I have a feeling we'll be back." He left the group.
"I don't know what Ms. Archer is complaining about," Pam said. "These are primo seats. We're close to the stage. They're comfortable. They even have cup holders. So I can do this!" She took out a malt liquor from her purse and put it in there.
"I know, right?" Cheryl agreed. "If anyone has a right to complain it's Cyril."
"What?" Cyril was stunned. "Why me?"
"Uh because you're stuck here having to watch Archer and Lana's love child," Cheryl said. "A child you always wanted with Lana who you are so totally stuck on even though you should have moved on like forever ago. And still for some reason can't get it through your stupid thick head that Lana will never love you like she loves Archer but you still keep pining after her like the stupid idiot that you are…"
"Okay you know…?" Cyril gave her a look.
"So once again you are forced to be Mr. Responsible," Cheryl went on. "While Archer is happily enjoying his coma neglecting his responsibilities and the second he wakes up Lana is going to toss you aside like a used condom. A broken used condom."
"I hope you die young too!" Cyril snapped.
"I wish I would!" Cheryl snapped. "So I wouldn't have to sit through this stupid play which is totally stupid! I hate schools."
"No surprises there," Lana grumbled. "Given your idea of higher education is going to a classroom on the third floor of a building."
Ray added. "You once brought lipstick and eyeshadow to school because you heard you had a makeup exam."
"Well you can see why I was confused!" Cheryl snapped. "I mean they should call it something else! Like a repeat exam or a do-over exam! Stupid teachers and their double meaning."
"I have to ask," Cyril said. "Cheryl did you actually pass high school? Or did your family pay the school off?"
"I did pass," Cheryl said. "All by myself! With an essay I wrote about the comparisons of Caligula and Nero."
"No surprises there on choice of subject matter," Ray quipped.
"Yeah well, I find the subject of schools doesn't matter," Cheryl grumbled. "I'm rich! What did I really need a diploma for?"
"In your case a mind isn't a terrible thing to waste," Cyril quipped. "Considering you don't have one."
"Hey it's still a night out," Krieger said.
"I guess," Cheryl sighed as she pouted. "I'm only here because I'm out of glue."
"You know we're in a school right?" Krieger told her.
"That's right!" Cheryl gasped. "There's glue in schools! And I bet this place is loaded with the good kind! EEEE!"
"Oh why did you tell her that?" Ray groaned.
"I'll be back…" Cheryl got up. "I need to find…The bathroom! Yes! The bathroom! See yah!" She then ran off.
"You just had to tell her that, didn't you?" Ray looked at Krieger.
"Well now she's security's problem," Pam shrugged.
"Speaking of which…" Ray pointed.
"I have never been so insulted in my entire life!" Mallory snapped as she stormed back to her seat. "Oh I am going to report that snotty cow to her supervisor! Once I find out who it is!"
"I'm pretty sure it was the guy who got arrested Lana for stalking him," Pam said.
"He may put out another warrant against this family," Ray quipped.
"Do I want to know what happened?" Lana groaned.
"Not really no," Ron said as he returned. "Let's just say Mallory made a scene and a lot of nasty comments. That at least five teachers and several school officials are going to remember for a long time."
"Oh goody," Lana groaned. "The play hasn't even started and already this night is a disaster."
"Speaking of which…Where's Carol?" Mallory looked around.
"She went to find glue," Ray sighed.
"Who is the dumb ass that reminded her we were in a school?" Mallory snapped.
Everyone else pointed to Krieger. "Why does this not shock me?" Mallory groaned. "Okay fine. If anyone asks we have no idea who she is."
"So basically, the same drill every time we end up near a craft store?" Ray sighed.
"I hope this doesn't end like the last time we went to a craft store," Pam groaned. "Hobby Lobby banned us for life."
"What's this play about anyway?" Cyril asked.
"It's just basically a couple of scenes from some fairy tales," Lana said. "The pre-preschoolers and preschoolers play supporting roles while the upper grades do the acting and singing."
"We can leave as soon as my granddaughter is finished, right?" Mallory asked.
"Maybe we'll get lucky and it will be over in the first act?" Cyril asked.
"She's in the second and fifth act," Lana said.
"Out of how many?" Mallory asked.
"Five," Lana said. "It's only an hour long show."
"Why do we have to sit here?" Mallory groaned. "All AJ is doing is flitting around and not doing anything while everyone else does all the work?"
"She's becoming more like her father every day," Cyril grumbled.
"Look it's still a night at the theatre," Krieger said. "And off Broadway shows have some of the best talent!"
"This is a school play! This is off-off-off Broadway!" Ray told him. "You can't get much further than that!"
"Kriegtopia?" Cyril asked.
"I stand corrected," Ray sighed.
"Excuse me," A thin blonde woman in a pink Chanel dress behind Pam spoke up. "Is that alcohol?"
"What's it to ya?" Pam asked.
"You're not supposed to have that here," The woman sniffed.
"Hey! I brought this in so I get to drink it!" Pam snapped. "Get your own ya jealous bitch!" She then took a swig.
"Something tells me you're not going to be welcomed with open arms into the PTA," Ray said to Lana.
"You really shouldn't have alcohol in this auditorium!" The woman said again.
"And you really should mind your own damn business," Mallory snapped as she pulled out a flask. "We need something to get us through this snooze fest!"
"Yeah so butt out!" Pam snapped.
"Gee what makes you think that?" Lana gave Ray a look.
"Well I never," The woman sniffed.
"Probably," Pam snorted. "So blow it out your bleached blonde asshole!"
"Heh, heh, heh, heh…" Cyril snickered.
"Shut up Cyril!" Lana snapped.
"Oh look it's starting," Ray sighed with relief.
"Good," Mallory grumbled. "The sooner it starts the sooner we can leave."
"I'm gonna tape it anyway," Pam got her camera ready.
"Yeah why should Archer not have to sit through it like the rest of us?" Cyril asked.
"Exactly," Pam said. She took a drink with the other hand.
"You really should not have alcohol in school," The woman behind her said.
"You're not my freaking supervisor!" Pam snapped. "So shut up!"
"Oh this was a bad idea," Lana groaned.
The first skit was rather short. It was basically the third graders singing 'Be Our Guest' and it was quite cute. Everything went well except for the very end when a loud bang was heard from somewhere. And…
"JACKPOT!" Cheryl's voice was heard. "THE MOTHERLOAD! HA HA HA!"
"I think Cheryl found the glue," Ray remarked.
"Why did the third graders go first?" Mallory grumbled as she took a drink from a flask. "That goes against the order of things."
"Maybe they won a freaking coin toss?" Ron grumbled. "How should I know?"
"You should know better not to bring in alcohol to a school!" That same woman sniffed.
"Madame," Mallory glared at her. "If you don't mind your own business I will have Pam kick your entitled ass!"
"She just makes friends everywhere she goes, doesn't she?" Ray snickered. He pulled out a small flask of his own.
"Ray!" Lana hissed.
"What? They can have a drink but I can't?" Ray snapped.
"He has a point," Pam said.
"Yeah lighten up Lana Lame!" Krieger agreed. He pulled out his own flask. "Prost!" He clinked it with Ray's before they took a drink together.
"Oh what the hell?" Ron took out his own flask. "I was going to save this for later…"
"So everybody brought a drink?" Lana snapped in a harsh whisper.
"I didn't!" Cyril snapped. "Well me and Cheryl…"
"HE HE HE HE!" Cheryl's demented cackle was heard from somewhere.
"But she's kind of got her own thing going on so…" Cyril sighed.
"Uggghhhh…" Lana let a frustrated groan escape her lips.
Then came the second act. It was basically a little dance with trees, flowers and fairies dancing around while some of the older children were acting out the final scene from Snow White. At least that was the plan…
"AAAAHHH!" AJ ran out in a cute little fairy costume swinging around a wand like a demented maniac. She shoved aside other dancers and started wrecking everything on stage.
"No, no, no…" Lana whimpered.
"DANGER ZONE!" AJ shouted cheerfully. She skillfully evaded everyone who tried to catch her and caused even more damage.
"Well she's definitely her father's daughter I can tell you that much!" Cyril started to laugh.
"DANGER ZONE! DANGER ZONE!" AJ laughed as she pushed several cardboard trees over. And one first grader that was supposed to be a flower.
"Dear god," Mallory winced. "I'm getting flashbacks to that Peter Pan play Sterling was in!"
"Something tells me she might not be in the fifth act," Pam remarked.
"Something tells me there might not be a fifth act," Ray told her.
"I told you live theater was great!" Krieger agreed.
"I'm actually enjoying this too," Cyril grinned. "Enjoying the fact that you Lana chose Archer to be the father of your child!"
"You're not my supervisor!" AJ cheered as she ran around.
Some of the other toddlers were inspired to cause chaos too. Soon they were running around throwing scenery and props. Some were getting into fights. One toddler bit an older student and the older student started to cry.
"You're not my supervisor!" AJ shouted. Other toddlers started to chant that as well.
"Great choice Lana!" Cyril laughed.
"SHUT UP CYRIL!" Lana shouted.
This was when Mallory handed her flask to Lana. Lana took it and drank a big swig from it. "Thanks…" Lana sighed.
"Keep it," Mallory sighed as she pulled out another flask. "Just give me back the flask when you're done."
CRASH!
SMASH!
"Wow!" Pam whooped as she taped the whole thing. "You see how AJ tricked that teacher to run into a wall? Kid's got skills!"
"On second thought keep the flask," Mallory sighed. "You're going to need it in the future."
"They're going to increase AJ's tuition because of this, aren't they?" Lana groaned.
"Yuuup," Ron sighed. "And that…"
"YOU'LL TAKE THAT GLUE OUT OF MY COLD DEAD FINGERS BITCHES!" Cheryl was heard shouting.
"Here we go…" Pam taped Cheryl bursting onto the stage followed by security.
"IT'S MY GLUE!" Cheryl screamed as she ran around holding several bottles of glue. "MINE! MINE! MINE!"
"Oh this is just the f#$#$$#ing cherry on the f#$$#ing ice cream," Lana grumbled.
"Swearing at a school as well as drinking?" The woman behind them gasped.
"Woman forget Pam! I will kick your ass if you don't shut up!" Lana snapped.
"GLUE IS GREAT TO SNIFF KIDS!" Cheryl squealed. "SNIFF GLUE TODAY!"
"This is just like that other incident at that other hobby store," Pam remarked. "The one with the girl scouts."
"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY GLUE!" Cheryl ran around with security chasing her. "YOU ARE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!"
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" AJ bit the leg of one of the security guards chasing Cheryl.
"YEAH! GO AJ!" Cheryl whooped. "FIGHT THE POWER!"
"I have never been so embarrassed in my life," Lana moaned. "And that's saying something with this group!"
"You think you're embarrassed now?" Mallory grumbled. "Wait until Abbiejean enters high school and starts sleeping with the teachers. Trust me. That will get you some looks at the PTA!"
WHAM!
"That's what you get for trying to take my glue, bitches!" Cheryl laughed as she managed to kick a male teacher in the crotch. "Kids can you say bitches?"
"Bitches!" Several kids including AJ chimed in.
"I KNEW YOU COULD! HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled.
Then a security guard managed to taser her from behind. "SPLOOSH!" Cheryl cried out in joy. "BEST PLAY EVER!"
"We are so going to have to pay extra tuition," Lana groaned. "Forget the sprinklers! County Day will be able to buy a whole damn fire truck with what we're going to have to pay to keep AJ in!"
"And another proud Archer family tradition continues," Mallory groaned.