A/N: Okay, I wrote this a two a.m. in the morning, so be nice, it's not my fault my brain doesn't work that well when sleep deprived. As always excuse me for eventual mistakes, English is not my first language.
Disclaimer: No, not mine. I'd like it, but no. Just no.
The Many Qualities Of Ianto Jones
Rhys looked around, eyes wide in amazement, the armory was huge, there were so many weapons.
A couple of them were lying on the table, Rhys glanced at the door, Gwen said she was coming back soon, he knew she was, but he really, really wanted to try one of those guns.
The Welshman picked up a Glock and, holding it with both hands, he aimed at one of the targets making shooting noises.
Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and before he could even realize he was holding the gun way too tight Jack had a hole in his chest.
When Jack woke up on the couch five minutes later the first thing he saw was a very nervous looking Rhys, next to him an equally worried Gwen, Owen, who was now checking his pulse, and Toshiko perched on the armrest at his feet.
"Jack! How are you feeling?" she asked realizing he was awake.
"Fine" he muttered finally managing to sit up.
"Jack, mate, I'm so sorry" said the Welshman launching himself in a stream of apologies.
"Calm down Rhys, it's okay, it's not the first time I get killed, ask Owen"
"Oi! That was one time!"
"Or Gwen" continued the American deliberately ignoring the doctor's comment.
"I told you, that hammer was not specifically director at your head" said the former policewoman folding her arms and glaring at her employer.
"Or Tosh" finished the Captain, the Japanese woman had at least the decency to blush.
"That wasn't my fault, you startled me" she mumbled.
"So Ianto is the only one who hasn't killed you? How?" asked Gwen, forgetting for a moment how outraged she was, she was now mildly amazed, in her opinion the Jack was just killable.
Before the American could even process the question Ianto, apparently appearing out of thin air, handed them their coffees.
"I swear Teaboy's a ninja" whispered Owen to Tosh who just nodded taking a sip of the strong hot beverage.
If Ianto heard him he decided to ignore him and instead answered to Gwen "Well, that's because I'm not clumsy" he said looking directly at Rhys, "I'm not a moody idiot" he continued diverting his gaze towards Owen, "I'm not vindictive" this time his deep blue eyes settled on Gwen, "And I'm not easily startled" he finished looking at the computer tech.
"That's not entirely true, my dear Ianto, there is that time" replied Jack with a smirk his partner found rather unnerving.
"What time?" asked Ianto performing for the occasion his 'Don't-You-Dare-Jack-Bloody-Harkness' look coined and first used three weeks after his employment when his boss had stated his desire to use his precious coffee machine to make a cup of that mud he called coffee just because the Welshman had sprained his wrist.
"You know, that time" when he received only interrogative looks the American continued "that time when you said, and I quote, "I won't take a no as answer" and I died of heart attack while we were having sex"
When the meaning of what the Captain had just said sunk in, the other four people in the room started laughing almost hysterically, soon followed by the American himself.
"So, Ianto Jones, you may not be 'easily startled'" began Tosh with a smirk disturbingly similar to Jack's.
"Or 'vindictive'" continued Gwen.
"Or 'moody'" joined the Owen.
"Or 'clumsy'"
"But aren't you an insatiable man?" finished the Captain with a wink.
"You should get it written on your tombstone Teaboy" stated the doctor triggering a new fit of laughter.
The Welshman hastily retreated in the archives, his face red with anger and embarrassment, Hell knew that was the last cup of decent coffee they were all going to get for a while.
When months later a very evil, powerful alien decided that he had to kill Ianto Jones for no apparent reason and Torchwood Three couldn't do anything but feign the archivist's death, the team decided that all the money spent and the troubles that an operation like that involves were all worth it just to see both the alien's and Ianto's expression at the sight of the inscription on the tombstone.
Ianto Jones
19/09/1983 – 09/08/2009
Not clumsy
Not moody
Not vindictive
Not easily startled
Sex machine
The End