How Long is Today

When Robin falls through the time portal in Starfire's place, he doesn't expect what he finds: a desolate, crumbling world, where the earth is black, the sea is flame, and the sky is as red as blood. Can he go home now? Humor/parody/crack. No pairings, AU.

A/N: This was supposed to be a serious story. It is not.

This is a very silly story, and you shouldn't take it seriously at all. In fact, while I'm hesitant to call it crack, it probably is, and so I went ahead and put it in the description. In my defense, I fell a couple of days ago on a parking lot filled to the brim with black ice. Now, I'm on two different types of muscle relaxers and two painkillers that have made me loopy, restless, and above all: frustrated. I'm not one for being cooped up, you see, and I haven't been outside since Thursday morning, when I went to the doctor.

This was written in a matter of hours under the influence of prescription drugs, so it is bound to have several mistakes and flaws. If you catch one, please do point it out so that I may fix it. This may be crack, but it doesn't have to be filled with poor spelling and grammar.

Despite my efforts to keep this story not… completely implausible, I have taken some artistic license. Robin is further in the future because he took longer to rip the clock from Warp's armor. This future is different because instead of Starfire being lost to time, it was Robin. This time, Jump City saw their dooms coming. The Starfire phrase was completely made up. The only episodic references in this story are to 'How Long is Forever' and 'The End'. Raven is not the young version of herself because… because reasons, haha. Anything else is just my eccentricity coming into play.

Also, this was written during the middle of the night.

You have been warned.

How Long is Today: 24 hours, if you're on the planet Earth. If you happen to be Martian, 24.6 hours. Plutonian, 153 hours. But who's counting?

…Me. I'm counting.

Robin had always had wonderful agility. He had been trained in the art of gymnastics from a young age – he was born for the high wire, the trapeze, the circus in general. Though those reflexes had been reassigned later in life for martial arts and crime fighting, the primal instinct of don't fall had remained. It was so strong, in fact, that it was a relatively easy feat to push Starfire out of the way of a dubious-looking portal created by an even more dubious-looking super villain.

Unfortunately, it wasn't so easy to move himself from the line of fire. And so, with a blur of color, a deep-voiced yell of "Robin!" and tendrils of Raven's grasping black soul-self that didn't quite reach his ankles, the Boy Wonder fell headfirst into a portal that quite literally swallowed him up.

Like any other self-respecting teenager, Robin had contemplated what the future might hold for him. Of course, he hadn't quite imagined the world as it would be after he died – unless, of course, he managed to survive to the ripe old age of 115.

He really, really hoped he didn't survive to be that old. Nothing against the elderly, of course – but Robin had always been mobile, active. He didn't think he could deal with the process of slowing down, and he didn't particularly want to imagine it. Besides, a hero's work was dangerous, and it was an unusual superhero indeed that lived to retirement. He could only imagine his mentor in retirement – crocheting kitten sweaters and funding a line of Batman-themed wheelchairs, maybe. Okay, that was shudder inducing. No more of that.

Still, as he rocketed through what was apparently a time vortex – so, so many clocks – what was up with all these clocks? – Robin could focus only on one hundred years. Maybe it was the ticking, really, but who knew? Who would be alive? Cyborg? Raven? How long did those two have, anyway? And Tamaraneans – who knew what longevity they and their nine stomachs could achieve?

And where was Warp, anyway? He'd caught a ride with the villain; it was really common courtesy that he remain in sight so that Robin could beat the way back to his time right out of him. Would that be violating the superhero code of ethics?

Were their any sorts of ethics in a monochromatic dimension filled with annoying, annoying clocks? That was a question for Raven, he supposed. Still, he'd always been one for color, and though he wasn't an interior designer, he could definitely say that it was drab.

Okay, so his own uniform might be a fashion disaster and he might not have any leverage to make comments about design of any type. Well, at least it was colorful.

And… yes, this was officially a long enough journey that Robin could have two existential crises and an end-of-life crisis, all in one sitting. Still, the whole experience was terrifying enough to warrant such things, he imagined, and perhaps he could even use this time to figure out the meaning of— Warp!

The villain in question was adrift ahead of him. They noticed each other at the same moment, eyes and/or mask widening, scowls setting in. Robin dive-bombed him – an impressive feat in a place that didn't seem to have any laws of gravity or physics – and they wrestled through time and space, until Robin grabbed at the clock on his chest, ripping it from his golden armor.

"No!" Warp screamed. "If you remove that before we reach my time, you could rip the very fabric of time and space!"

Damn. Didn't think of that. "You'd think you'd attach this a little more firmly, the-e-en…!"

Without warning, Robin was ejected forcefully from the portal, crashing headfirst into a pile of… ashes?

Panic set in quickly, followed by self-preservation as Robin spat ash, looking wildly for the villain he'd just bested.

But there was nothing. Nothing but drifts of ashes like snow, and ruins of what were once surely buildings, and blackness, and death and oh shit I've ripped the fabric of reality what now.

Following this realization, a long stream of obscenities that would make a hardened criminal proud (if they weren't too busy cursing him) spewed from his mouth as he took in his surroundings.

Where was he? And what had happened to this place?

Finding nothing else to do but wipe ashes from his tongue, Robin trekked down what seemed to have been a side street, looking warily into what remained of building interiors. His mask was stained gray by the charcoal he had landed in, and his vision was poor and marred more than what was normal. Perhaps that was why he didn't notice the statue until he had run straight into it.

It would have been a nice statue, Robin supposed, if its face hadn't been twisted in terror and surprise. Man. What had come into style in this time warp? Future. Rip in the space-time continuum. Oh, who knew? Not this statue, obviously.

Of course, the statue's face seemed a bit… familiar. Robin quite nearly pressed his face into the statue, compensating for his halved vision.

"Mayor?"

Was it wrong that he had an odd sort of satisfaction to seeing the man that had given the Titans so much trouble about pesky things like property damage immortalized this way in stone?

Meh. No one would have to know.

Robin took a moment to bask in this unexpected gratification… until he realized something quite frightening. One, this was the mayor of Jump City. Two, who would make a statue of a lowly mayor? Three, was that Titans Tower? Fourth, oh shit this hellhole is my home what now.

In retrospect, he really should have noticed the giant caved-in 'T' sooner.

Running towards the structure, Robin dodged statue after statue, some of which he recognized – poor cashier girl, never catches a break – and most of which he didn't. He was coming to the disturbing realization that these statues did not seem to be the product of a starving artist, and nor were they the sick fantasy of a psychopathic over-the-top villain.

Everything was gone.

Robin skidded around the last corner, his path leading him straight to the comforting waters of the bay, and oh shit the water is molten lava what now.

Dumbfounded. There was really no other word for this. The left side of Robin's mask twitched, displaying his disbelief and confusion at the scene.

"Well," Robin said to himself, wondering vaguely if he was displaying the first signs of insanity, "this can't be good."

Understatement of the year. Everything was gone. Phone lines were obliterated. The ground was charred, the people were stone, the ocean was magma, and it was raining blood.

What was with the blood?

Robin huddled under a sagging overhang, watching and trying not to breath deeply as the coppery tang of blood hit his nostrils.

He should have listened to Warp. Sure, he would have gotten away with the clock – a mark on an otherwise impressive record – but he'd much rather have lost that one battle than be sitting here, watching blood stain charred streets into a color that Robin never, ever wanted to describe, ever.

Worst field trip in the history of time travel.

Well… that hadn't been invented yet, at least not in his time. He needed a new example.

Worst field trip in the history of alternate dimension travel…?

Nope. Still nope. Raven's field trip to the dimension of cannibalistic mutants had taken the cake on that one.

He still couldn't eat an apple without thinking about that fire pit. Those hungry, beady eyes, waiting to taste Robin au jus…

Never mind. This was a great field trip!

Robin was nearly to the point of grabbing the statue of Jump City's mayor and making it his own personal shoulder to cry on when Raven deigned to appear.

Her hair was long, her leotard was tattered, and glowing red tattoos adorned her body.

Robin found that he couldn't care in the least. "Raven! Get me out of here!"

Shock. Well, okay, a slight widening of the eyes, but for Raven, that was like running around screaming. Robin would take what he could get. "What?" Raven asked, monotone faltering.

"I don't care why you're here or why you've suddenly gone off the deep end – those tattoos are so not awesome, by the way – but you've got to get me out of this hellhole."

Raven looked like she was about to protest, but stopped, shrugging. "Eh. Apt enough."

Robin paused for a moment, just remembering why Starfire had almost gone through the portal in the first place, and his probable duty to his timeframe. "Oh! And have you seen a shiny guy with a clock? I kind of need to apprehend him."

Now it was Raven's turn to pause. "Well," she said. "You see… I haven't exactly seen anyone in nearly 75 years. And… when I saw someone, well… I might have overreacted."

"Overreacted?"

"He's sleeping with the fishes. Or, in this case, the molten rock that serves as the ocean at this point in time."

Another pause. "But you weren't surprised to see me?" Should I be offended?

"You getting yourself into trouble is just another day in the life… albeit a life filled with the screams of millions as galaxies are destroyed around this forsaken earth. …Also, I could see your traffic light uniform from the island."

That was cold hard logic, there, Robin had to admit. Maybe he should consider a black and blue uniform? Maybe a new hairstyle?

"So… you can get me out of here?"

Raven shrugged. "I suppose. But be warned, you must change this future – "

"Did I ever come back?" Robin interrupted.

"Well, no – "

"Then I think my returning will have enough of an impact to completely change the course of history, assuming that the butterfly effect theory is at all true and assuming that the Titans had something to do with this, which, as Titans Tower seems to be in pretty pitiful shape, it seems we – or you, I'm not taking the blame on this one – are. Thus, my grand return will alter the time stream enough to where any advice you could give me will probably be rendered moot."

Raven blinked.

"However, I do have one question. Do you think I'd look good with a mullet?"

More blinking. More shock.

"I'm thinking I need a new look. Business in the front, party in the back and all that jazz. I could bring sexy back, you know?"

Raven hurriedly summoned her powers, opening a portal in the space before Robin. Her eyes twitched, fingers grasping at air as she valiantly resisted strangling him.

"Because really, Raven, heroes really are the pioneers of the fashion industry. Who invented underwear on top? Us. Capes? Us. In fact, maybe we should start a fashion revolution—"

Raven, mouth open and gaping, shoved him into the portal. Sinking back into time and space, Robin knew nothing at all.

"And then I showed up right here!" Robin crowed, finishing his story with a flourish.

"Dude. You're such a liar."

From the couch, Cyborg rolled his eyes and Raven looked particularly murderous.

"No," Robin protested. "I'm telling the truth!"

"He's just embarrassed that he's boring in the future," Cyborg guessed.

"A glorkpa dokanjay?" Suggested Starfire, looking pleased with herself.

"Er, sure," Cyborg agreed.

Beast Boy's eyes lit up. "Ooh! Ooh! An accountant for equally boring people!"

"The man of your earth taxes!"

"Three-tenths of an unheard-of musical band!"

"A traffic cop!"

"A tollbooth operator!"

"No, no, I've got it now. A mullet-wearing depressed man who lives in a cave and comes up with annoying puns to name his weapons!"

A general murmur of agreement rose up, causing Robin to glare at each of them in turn. Maybe it was the still-dirty mask, but the glare did nothing except increase their laughter.

Raven glowered them all into submission. Was glaring listed as one of her powers? "Or maybe this is a completely possible future that we should all take heed of lest the world is destroyed, the populace turned to stone, and all that is left of the galaxy becomes naught but death and destruction?"

Now slightly more somber, the other Titans looked at each other, considering.

"Nah!"