Author's note: Just a heads up, this is the very definition of crack.
Disclaimer: None of these lovely people belong to me. Let's all have around of applause for the great JKR and Steven Moffat.
An Incident
"State your names" said a rather imposing and equally mysterious and unnerving voice.
"Neville Longbottom"
"Rory Pon-Williams! Pond! Oh sod it, it's Rory Pond!"
Both men spoke at once and then stared at each other in bewilderment as though they weren't sure why the other had spoken even though their reasons were indeed the same. For Neville's part, he also felt rather sympathetic toward the seemingly daft bloke beside him. He had no idea what would cause a man to be so confused about his own name, but he did have plently experience with seeming daft.
"Rory!"
"Neville!"
Two somewhat shrill voices broke the silence next.
"Neville! We are in a tiny metal room with four strangers and a foreboding voice after having fallen into the black lake and you just decide to obey any command someone throws out there?" Hermione's rather bushy coif seemed to grow with her frustration. Something the Doctor did not miss.
"Good lord that's brilliant! How do you do that?"
"Do what?" Hermione snapped. The doctor proceeded to wave his hands about his own head in a manner which a more (or more likely less) educated person may gather symbolized growth of some sort. The doctor faltered in his rather visual explanation, however, when he noticed a stubby black haired fellow with an unfortunate scar waving his hands behind his irate female friend's back. Before the doctor could make sense of any of these decidedly nonsensical happenings, his own irate female friend decided to make herself known.
"And what about you then Rory? Hmm? Haven't died enough lately? For all you know you've just signed up as a human sacrifice for some intergalactic death ceremony! Must you always open your mouth?" A rather irritated Amy demanded.
"Seemed like the thing to do" a somewhat meek Rory responded.
"That's all well and good, but I for one would like to know what the bloody hell is going on here" River Song announced not at all used to being out of the loop. She was already drawing her gun as she spoke.
"I second that" Harry spoke up at last having already drawn his wand.
"Alright alright then everyone keep your pants on! Especially you." the Doctor said pointing to Rory at the end. "I know exactly what is going on here. Obviously. Have since we appeared."
"Liar" River interjected.
"Quite right" conceded the Doctor.
"But it's the Nargles of course" said a dreamy voice.
"Luna this is not the-"
"Of course!" Exclaimed the doctor effectively cutting off Hermione's undoubtedly condescending remark, much to her frustration.
"Nargles! I should have seen it immediately! My lord you are brilliant!"
"Thank you" said Luna, pleased that SOMEONE thought so. "I rather like your bowtie by the way. It's quite handsome. Very useful as well. A warning beacon yes? For the tinsel bloxus?"
"Ohhh you are good!" The doctor was giddy over this girl.
"Wait hold on a second!" Amy broke in "your bowtie, your silly little bowtie is some kind of warning beacon?"
"No of course not! But she thinks it's handsome! She really is brilliant."
"STATE YOUR NAME OR PERISH"
Everyone looked somewhat astonished at the return of the temporarily forgotten voice of the room. At least two of its occupants were more surprised at the length of its absence more than anything else. Almost as if their bickering and chatter had distracted it somehow.
"Right then!" Harry was the first to recover. "Perish, that's bad. Let's get on with it then. Harry Potter" he said his name loudly and with enough confidence that many of the rest of them soon followed.
"Luna Lovegood"
"Amy Pond"
"Hermione Granger"
"River Song"
"Amy, River what are you doing? Following the directions of some random squatty bloke?"
"Oi!"
"Oh you're just miffed he said it before you did" Amy said.
"Look at him darling taking charge and all, he seems to be a strong man to follow" river said with a wink.
"Well I do not agree! I do not follow strong men!" He said with conviction "usually" he said with less conviction. "I am not a follower!" He said with something faintly resembling conviction.
"Ooh yes you are sweetie" said river with a saucy look in his direction.
"Am not! Name one time!"
"Spoilers"
The Doctor then said something not at all resembling words but a frustrated "woman!" Could be heard somewhere in the middle if one listened very carefully.
Amy watched this exchange with fond familiarity. Harry looked on with amused confusion, Hermione with thinly veiled annoyance, and Luna seemed not to be paying attention at all. Neville and Rory were decidedly missing.
"Wait missing! They're missing!" Hermione exclaimed having been the first to realize this as she was the first to let (or force) her attention to wander from the flirting time travelers. "Neville! Neville where are you?"
Amy, now understanding, began to shout just as urgently for her husband.
"Nev-"
"Ror-"
"Hey!" Both of the missing men intoned as they re-entered the room.
"Boys!" Amy chided. "Where were you? How did you leave? Why do you have... Ice cream?"
Her husband, knowing it was best to explain quickly began speaking "well Nev and I found this door and there were these ice cream cones sitting there with our names on them. We think this is an ice cream shop. I mean we did have to pay for them. I didn't actually have any money on me, no pockets in armor you know, but Nev here's a real mate. He spotted me." Rory patted neville on the back and glanced at his new friend fondly. "There's some in there for all of you as well. Except for you, Doctor. Never stated your name. Sorry mate."
"Ice cream?" The doctor questioned. "But it said perish! That's so dramatic! Who would think ice cream when they hear perish? I want Ice cream!" He ended like a small child being denied his treat (which he was in a way). "The Doctor" he exclaimed as the rest went to fetch their own cones.
"Sorry we're closed" the now more friendly voice informed them.
"Noooooo!"