Nobody get ahead of themselves. This is not me returning to writing. I just felt obliged to put a lil something up for Soulsmas, an event that I hold dearly in my heart for many reasons, but not least because it was the first time we all came together as a community - we are truly stronger for it, in spite of a year of extremes. This story is structurally the craziest thing I have ever compiled, as it is a collection of unfinished tales that I thought were decent enough to be put up in the event that I don't feel like writing right now. Without further ado, lets light up.
Christmas Crack
As the winds of winter roared outside the window, Yui Tanimura sat in his armchair with a big grin on his face. He was watching a YouTube video by some scrub calling himself DSPGaming. The LPer was doing great battle with one of Yui's most insidious creations - the triumvirate of golden gits, the Ruin Sentinels.
"Come on man, they didn't fucking hit me your so full of shit *retarded seal laugh*" DSP whined, promoting Yui to laugh heartily.
"As they say on the Xbox Live, get good," he chuckled as he tossed another sack of money onto the roaring fire beside him, a swirling blaze fuelled by the hopes and dreams of Souls fans prior to the release of Dark Souls II.
Yui put his feet aloft as he flicked over to GameFaqs and read one of the hundreds of forum posts berating Scholar of the First Sin, the upcoming re-release of his game.
"Just wait until they see my plans for the poison Darklurker," he giggled. "Or the final boss being replaced by five Aava clones... You just can't make this shit up..."
"Hold it right there!"
Yui smiled as he looked around, the door to his blizzard-wrecked castle retreat now thrown open, and a solitary husk inhabiting the threshold.
"I knew this day would come," he whispered, pressing his hands together in anticipation. "You're too late, old man. I have ruined Dark Souls and FromSoftware... FOREVER!"
Hidetaka Miyazaki raised his head, and stared long and hard at his mortal enemy. "Souls may be buried in your grasp, but my new champion will destroy you! Bloodborne is coming, Yui... And it will outsell Scholar of the First Sin by thousands!"
"We'll see about that!" Yui shouted, standing abruptly as red chaos energy crackled between the palms of his hands.
"You won't," Miyazaki retorted, defiantly lighting his own hands with a surge of blue paragon energy. "Because right here, right now, I am going to END you!"
"Fight me, faggit," Yui roared, shooting off a blast of chaos.
Miyazaki met the beam with his own, and the two polarised forces of energy rippled against each other.
The power of the repulsion was so strong, the world began to waver. From the epicentre of the energy, expanding all the way out forever, the dimensions began to shake.
Expanding.
Convulsing.
Shifting.
Until there was only a bright light.
And then nothing.
The un-ded sat in his cel, smokin tha ganja as he wated for something to happen.
"Cum on," he whispered. "I jst want a corpse to fal from the ceiling right nw."
Jst as he sed that, it happened, and the body fucking fell on the floor in front of him.
"Aww yeh gnna hv some bumsex," the undead sniggered, having his way with the corpse b4 taking the key to his cel from its hand.
Unloking the door, the undead yeld "Yeh, I'm out of jail niggas!"
But the asslum demon was like "fck that shit", and dropped bottom first (cuz hes fat) onto the undead, but it mised cuz the undead wasn't fat so he just moved out of the way.
"Ha, you fat bitch!" the undead laughed.
It was true, and the asslum demon committed suduko becuz he was fat.
L8r, the undead was in Firelink Shrine, and was talking to sum faggot in chainmail.
"You've got to ring the bells of awakening!" the faggot cried, actully crying real tears becuz he was soooo gay.
"Hw abut no," the undead sed, and the audience all cheered cuz he was so cool n that.
"But u've gt to cuz otherwise nothing wil happn!" the faggot wailed.
"Nah i jus smoke the ganja!" the undead lit up a spliff and it all went smokey and weedy.
Nex thing he knew he was in the fcking graveyard, and he was having bumsex with a skeleton. The skeleton woke up because it wasn't dead it was alive and said "wot fuk u doin"
The undead ran away and ended up at some fog.
"This looks like ganja smoke," he sed, "maybe ill get high off of this shit!"
So the unded tried to inhale the smoke but fel through the fog and then there was some faggot with horns and a huge hammer made of wood like a dick and it was running at him.
"Rwoar i is the area boss init," the faggot but not the chainmail faggot cuz this faggot wasn't wearin arma exclaimed.
"Oh shit mayn i smoked all my souls so i got no levels and now im gonna get dead," the undead wailed.
But then the boss fell off the side of the cliff and dieyed.
Then the undead was on a bridge and there was some gaylord talking about the sun and it all sunded like peedophilia to the undead so he just went on his way n then suddenly thr was a dragon and it was al lik "sup!"
"You cunt now i hav to go all the wai back to the spliff-fire to respawn," the undead said, pooing his pants and leaving a brown turd on the ground.
"Thats why u hv to get good," the dragon explayned who wasn't even a dragon cuz it only had 2 legs so it was actlly a whyvern.
Later the undead got good and fawt sum gay gargleoyles, who were so gay they actually rode their halberds like giant cocks. He summed the pedo and they killd them together but then the pedo tried to touch the unded with a gold tampon so the unded pooed on him and ran.
"I rang the first ball of awakening," the undead sed to the chainmail fagit and the fagot liked it becuz he waa gay and liked hairy balls, so now we're going to sy cockmail insted.
"Good job now go do the other one u straight," the cockmail faggot sed.
Thers another fckin bell! the undead got mad and stabd the cockmail in the cock, who then died.
Then the undead went to the forest becyz all the plants n shit looked like weed so he thout he might be abl to buy sum there.
But there was only this faggoty butterfly that tried to cum on him so he killd it. Then he went through the doors and an invader came into his game and was lik sup nigga i here to steal yar virginity and cuz the undead had only bum sexed it could technically happen.
The invadr sent the undead a message that sed "You suck git gud," but the undead didnt understnad becaue the spelling and grammaw were sooo bad that he culdnt read it and just laffed.
So then there was a big gay wolf and you knew it woz gay cus it had a giant dick in its mouth. The wolf cried when the undead started makin jokes about artorias, and then it cryed so hard it drowned its own snot and then died.
Later on da unded went dwn frm the unded burg cuz he hadnt seen the stairs before and ended up in sum street and there were guys runnign arund and stabin peeps and the unded was like 'oh shiit the niggas up in this ghetto' and 1 of the theeves lifted up is hood n he wasnt evn black so the unded was racist.
Then he fught a demon with two giant dick swords who hd 2 pet dags that he obvsly bumsexed with so tht was bestiality.
The unded said 'i'm calling the rspca' but the demon was like 'pleez dont u can cum and fuk the dogs wiv me and smoke the ganja.' The unded agreed and the demon and the unded smoked the ganja.
Next the undead went into the sewers and there was a giant rat. The rat tried to seduce the undead, bt the undead was like 'no way man i alredy fcked two many hairy buttholes for 1 day.' There were more rats and some gay guy with a giant dick staff that had six eyes.
Then there was the boss who was a giant dragon with a vajina. The vajina had teeth so even tho the unded was getin horny again he decided not to fck the vajina. The pedo cam back to fight with the unded but when he tryed to give him another yellow tampon the unded just ran away.
"Blighttown," the unded read as the screen came up, even tho he was the character not the player so that dont make sense. "This place sounds fun."
It wasn't. There were giant fat rapists with enormous chodes that had aids and herpes on them.
The unded was lik 'fuk dat maahn' and strated to run thru everything. That is until he reched a ladder and fel down it. When he hit da grund thr were rapists everywhere and the unded was lik omgfg. He got hit wth a chlorophorm and when he woke up hus bumhole was sore as fuck.
"Man, I think they did stuf to me," the unded said aloud, before walkinh thru a fog wall and straight into a par of tittie bom boms.
"Hory shiiit son," the unded sed.
"I is kelloggs, the kayos which," the thing sed, its boobies bouncing in the wind even tho they wer undergrund.
"Tim to fuck," the unded sed, but then the boob lady ejaculated fire all over the unded and the unded was like "Oh shit why do gals never say wen theyr on their periods maan?"
"U sexist pig get out fucker," quelagg sed and then the unded did.
I think that's enough mind-melt for today. Like and subscribe for more. BROFIST!
AND NAOW FOR SUMTHIN COMPLITLY DIFFERENT!
The Good Rapedeer: A Soulsmas Tale
A cold wind was blowing over Eleum Loyce. The white desert shone brightly, pale against the sun.
The onslaught of the blizzard hid a ghastly sight. A gaggle of reindeer, come out for their annual fun.
Corpse Prancer, Adolf, 420Blitzen and friends. Their crystalline bodies were ready, shaped without flack.
With a triumphant smile, Adolf looked at his map. The arrows pointed straight to the anus, their point of attack.
The herd roared their approval as their leader stepped forward. XXX-S4NT4-XXX was his name.
Bearing his Manikin claws, he called out to his army. This years intention was to murder and maim.
The rapedeer legion stamped their hooves and neighed. Their rage could be felt, from their calves to each horn.
A lone voice amongst them decried the bloodlust. The herd turned in their step, to see a young fawn.
"Soulsmas is a time of kindness and glee," it spoke. "Why do we plunder them, when we could be giving?"
The rapedeer army laughed heartily at the child's naivety. "Silly child," one said. "Compassion is for the living...
Murder and pillaging, that is what we have always done! To think different is to sin - it is crime."
But the fawn did not listen, so adamant was he. His mind was set, unpersuaded by their rhyme.
"I will show thee the error of your ways," he declared. "By tomorrow, you will see, and then you will shame."
So the young fawn strode off, disappearing in the snow. The rapedeer were stunned and afraid - who was to blame?
But S4NT4 had the answer, the wisest was he. "He'll be back, just you wait and see."
His rapedeer legion unanimously agreed. "He'll see the humans as they are, and then he will flee."
"Or he'll be lag-stabbed, dropped in the snow. The undead are sinners, all evil, that lot."
And so the rapedeer returned to their business. Soulsmas was coming - they had a massacre to plot.
Meanwhile, the fawn was walking through the blizzard. His vision was obscured, with no clear way to go.
"Oh no," he thought. "Perhaps they were right. There's safety in numbers when crossing the snow."
He soon shook such thoughts, for he had a goal. To prove his herd wrong, and to take back his pride.
But soon enough there was nothing in sight. A sound startled the fawn, who had nowhere to hide.
Out of the snowstorm, a lone figure did fumble. A humanoid shape, bearing a shield and a blade.
The fawn was terrified, and he started to run. The figure followed with speed; through the snow he wade.
CLIFFHANGER MUTHAFACKERS
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING WILDLY DIFFERENT!
Dark Souls II: Ballad of the Bosses
In the darkness of Drangleic,
Where the light forsakes,
Twenty-six souls,
Are waiting for you.
Tethered in stone,
And withered in bone,
A giant living below.
The last of his kind.
He came from the sky,
So prepare to die.
Pursues you to the end,
Through every bind.
A warrior so brave,
He'll fight to his grave.
And perhaps beyond,
For who knows his age.
A rider of the king,
He lives upon a ring.
His steed has gone,
Now you feel his rage.
Four swords take their toll,
Collecting your soul.
A plunder from the sea
A sentry of two faces.
But will you even see,
The golden hurricane of three?
A storm of hammers,
The product of dead races.
What of the villain
Cloaked in her sin?
Her sword carves redemption,
Each stab gashing.
The bell keepers roar
And their axes your flesh tore.
The feeling of nostalgia,
Is overlooked by their slashing.
An army of claws,
A scurry of maws
The Vanguard awaits you,
An easy foe, he is not.
In the depths of the gutter,
Where few dare to mutter,
Many bodies lie stirring
In the same cooking pot.
Where bones carry swords,
The dead reign as lords.
A crown shared by three,
A battalion shaped by a misdeed.
Feel the ends of your flesh peel,
As you are crushed by the wheel.
A chariot turned torturer,
Driven by a hellish steed.
Borne in a plume of fire,
A creature seeping ire.
Who would have known,
That iron could hit so hard?
The king that sleeps below,
Beware this formidable foe.
He loved and lost his princess,
Now his Iron Keep he guards.
What of the Shaded strand,
The scorpion in the sand?
Malformed and wrathful,
With a pair of bulbous stings.
Roll away, or stay
And die that very day.
Prepare to be flattened beneath
The apex of coveting
COVETOUS DEMON TOO STRONK. NERF IT QUICKLY.
"And that kids, is how I met your mother."
Solaire squinted. "Dad, you're on fire."
Gwyn looked down at his clothes. "Ah yes, so I am. I guess I got too close to the sun."
"Here daddy, let me put it out with my moonlight powers!" Gwyndolin squealed.
Gwyn balled his fists and exploded in a burst of fury. "FUCK YOU GWYNDOLIN YOU'RE NOT MY SON. Go fuck a woman made of humanity or something!"
And so, that's how Christmas in Lordran was spent that year.