Life Lessons with Gramps

A/N: Since people such as JellalNeedsCake and winterorion like my other fic Everybody loves Laxus I figured I'd do that alternate universe idea I mentioned at the end. Be prepared for some awkward as hell moments and some nudity. Don't let the ships bother you: again this is more humour than anything. Thoughts are in italics. Enjoy...

"Laxus I'm sick of your shit!" yelled Makarov, "I'm telling you now, Erza doesn't wear pads."

"How the hell would you know old man?!" Laxus yelled back, "You're talking like you're an expert in that field, yet I know in the past 50 years the closest you've come to touching a breast was in the Sunday roast!"

Sparks were flying between the two and Mirajane, ever the peacemaker, thought she should step in before the two of them broke out into a death match that would flatten the whole of Magnolia.

"Um...I could find out if you want?"

They both looked at her astonished. They knew the demon of the guild had many strange and mystical powers, but this was a bit of a stretch even for her. Mirajane smiled sweetly.

"Are you doubting my skills boys?"

Knowing better than to disagree, they shook their heads. "No."

"Good good then." the smiling continued and Makarov began worrying. When that bitch smiles, shit goes down. "Well why don't you make a bet and make things interesting?"

Laxus grinned at the sound of that. "Fine, sounds like fun. If I win, Gramps has to explain to Natsu about the birds and the bees."

Makarov glared at his grandson. "Well when I win, you'll have to talk to Gildarts about Cana. And don't be expecting any help from me when it hits the fan."

Laxus' grin faded. "When did you say? That's quite a lot of misplaced confidence you got there. Maybe I should remind you about what happened in the park when..."

"THAT WAS FIFTEEN YEARS AGO LAXUS AND I SUCK AT BASKETBALL! LET IT GO!"

As the two argued some more, Mira slipped away. She had to act quickly to prevent a disaster, although she still wondered how they even got to the point of arguing over Erza's boobs. "It is the master though...". Looking around, she spotted Erza over on a table reading.

"Hey Erza, can I...?" she called out before being interrupted.

"ITS NONE OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS!" Erza screamed then stormed out of the Guild Hall, her face matching the colour of her hair.

Laxus laughed and turned to Makarov. "Well I guess I was right then."

Makarov scowled. "How the hell do you even know that?" Laxus only replied by winking. "Ahh damn it, I guess I have no choice. NATSU GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW!"

The pink haired dragon slayer lifted his head from the table. Not that he'd been sleeping to recover from last night's sugar rush or anything, which had nothing at all to do with all the cake he stole from Erza's fridge. It was a dangerous game he played, but it was worth it.

"Gimme a minute Gramps; my head hurts!"

"BULLSHIT YOU'RE SLEEPING! NOW GET OVER HERE BEFORE I DRAG YOU OVER HERE!"

"Ahhh fine!" Natsu grumbled then walked like a zombie until he reached the bar where he took the seat in between the two Dreyars.

"HEY NATSU! WOULD YOU LIKE A BEER!" Laxus shouted in his ear, causing him to not only fall off his stool but to knock Makarov off his stool also. "Ohhhoo this is going to be a good day I can tell!"

Mira, who had made her way back to the bar by now, tapped Laxus on his shoulder. He turned around and saw her quizzical expression. "Laxus, what happened with you and Cana that the Master wanted you to talk to Gildarts about?"

Laxus laughed. "Oh I fucked his daughter in just about every way you can imagine. Hell even one time we stole he cloak and did it on there. Man if I'd lost the bet I think he might have killed me..." Laxus shuddered, then added "If something up?" when he noticed Mira's stoic expression.

Forcing herself to smile, Mira said "Oh, well its nice you...found...someone"

Noticing her choking up, Laxus sighed and told her "Relax, you don't have to change your shipping wall. We were basically fuck buddies and nothing more. We're both still free for you to ship with whoever you want." He then turned back around to observe the horror show that was about to unfold, leaving Mira smiling at how oblivious he was. Also at how single he was. The second one was the main one to be honest.

Makarov and Natsu had finally managed to pick themselves off the floor and get back on their seats, and after a nudge and a grin from Laxus Makarov began his torture.

"Natsu, I called you over here to talk about a very delicate and important part of life..."

Natsu's eyes widened. "Ohhh, you mean there's something else important besides eating, sleeping, getting stronger, eating, protecting the guild and eating?"

Ignoring the earth shattering stupidity, Makarov continued. "Yes Natsu, and you're old enough to learn about it now."

"Yey! I'm all grown up now so hit me Gramps!"

"Natsu..." Makarov began, "Have you ever heard of sex?"

"No I haven't. Igneel didn't teach me about that. Is it a new fighting technique?!"

At this point Laxus failed to contain himself and burst out laughing. "Holy shit Natsu you're 19 years old! By your age I'd already fucked at least 20 girls hahaha!"

Natsu looked angrily at him. "I don't know what this 'fucked' thing is, but you better not have hurt those women Laxus!"

This only added to Laxus' enjoyment, along with the glare he had received from his grandfather. "Ohhhh shit! You've got your work cut out for you here old man!"

Clearing his throat, Makarov returned to Natsu. "Natsu, sex is not a fighting technique. In fact it has nothing to do with battle at all."

Natsu looked at him like he'd grown a third head. "Why should I care then? Hey Happy!" he called out to his cat. "Gramps is trying to teach me something that can't be used in a fight. What do we say to that?"

Happy responded by sticking his tongue out at the old man, who simply groaned and face palmed. "Natsu sex is an important part of life. Hell where do you think babies come from? NATSU!"

Natsu was too busy sticking his tongue back out at his friend to care. That is until Makarov slapped him across the head. "Owww! I dunno Master. Eggs or something?!"

By this point Laxus was doubled over laughing at the clueless boy. Taking pity on his grandfather, he decided to help him out. "Yeah but, ahahahahaha, where do the eggs come from then?"

Natsu smiled. "Simple; the baby fairy!"

This one knocked Laxus right out of his seat, and he began rolling around on the floor laughing. Freed rushed to his side, thinking there must be something wrong. "Master Laxus, have you been drugged?! You're never normally this happy."

"Ahhh god shut up Freed. Let me have this one."

"Yes...I am sorry for failing you...*sniff*" Freed hung his head in shame and walked to the other end of the guild like a kicked puppy. You'd probably feel sorry for him if he wasn't such a creepy fucker (A/N I actually like Freed, but let's face it he's a bit creepy).

Makarov have removed his head from his hands and had decided to just get it over with.

"No Natsu, babies come from sex. It's when a man and a woman come together and join their bodies to become one flesh."

"But how do you join bodies? Cool I wanna try this. Hey Lucy! LUCY!"

The blonde turned her head and looked at Natsu.

"Wanna join bodies? Apparently there's this thing called sex that lets us do that. Can we have sex?"

Lucy began blushing wildly while the rest of the guild roared with laughter. Choruses of "GET IN THERE NATSU SON!" and "ITS ABOUT TIME YOU GOT LAID!" were heard. Makarov had to act fast to prevent further embarrassment.

"Shh Natsu! That's not something you just ask someone. Sex is a very intimate thing between two people and should not be taken lightly."

Cana popped up from the bar and began staring at Laxus chest. "Ohhh its never light when we do it is it Laxy?"

Before she knew it she had been karate chopped into a coma by Mira, who stood fuming with rage at that comment. If Laxus had given a fuck about either of them he'd probably have picked up on why she did that.

"To perform sex," the Master continued, "a man must put his penis in a girls vagina. Then he moves it in and out until it spills out sperm." "My god this is the worst description of sex I've ever given. Thank god I never had to do this with Laxus."

"What's a penis and what's a vagina?" Natsu asked, growing more and more interested in this 'sex' thing. Makarov started sweating.

"Um..erm...anyone wanna help me out?" he offered to the guild, who promptly shook their heads and grinned at his discomfort. Laxus, who had finally picked himself up off the floor, decided this was a great opportunity to show off and get something he wanted.

"Here Natsu," he said, unzipping his trousers, "This is my penis."

Half of the women in Fairy Tail abruptly fainted along with two thirds of the men. The rest of the women simply blushed madly, including Juvia who for once had something to look at rather than Gray. The rest of the men glared in envy, except Freed who scored a new record for how wide his eyes could open.

"There," proclaimed Laxus, zipping up his pants to the disappointment of the women and Freed, "that is a penis. I'm sure you have one too, although it's probably a lot smaller."

Makarov looked like he was going to be sick. "Well...well there Natsu. That is a penis."

Natsu, not knowing why everyone was acting so strangely, nodded in understanding. With a serious expression, he noted, "Oh, so it's my pee-pole."

This comment was it for Laxus, who started laughing so hard he cried. Everyone else joined in, even Makarov, which diffused the situation.

"What what? I'm right aren't I?!"

Patting him on the shoulder, Makarov smiled. "Yes Natsu, yes you are."

Natsu smiled. "Ohh great, I learned something! Now, who's going to show me a vagina? Erza, you're a woman right?"

The room instantly went silent. All eyes fell on the scarlet-haired warrior, who was taking this surprisingly well. "Natsu, because you seem to somehow have less than one brain cell, I'll tell you this without killing you; I'd rather die than show you."

As everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief, Natsu looked round for people to show him.

"Hmm. I could ask Lucy I guess..."

He was interrupted by Laxus, whose grin had now surpassed that of the Cheshire Cat's. "Actually I think Mirajane would be willing to help you out."

Mira glared at him furiously along with Elfman and Lisanna, but her glare soon turned to a blush when she realised that Laxus was staring straight into her eyes.

"Aww come on Mira." he pleaded mockingly, "Help the poor guy out. He needs some help and you're always nagging people to be nice. Set a good example."

Mira was about to make a retort when he seductively added, "Besides, I've shown you mine. I guess its your turn now."

If it wasn't for his wink or his sexy smile, she would never had agreed to it. "Oh alright fine, but just this one time Laxus! Natsu, get ready."

The males in the guild had suddenly decided to take a great interest in the conversation, and had indeed began to form a crowd around the bar before Elfman started laying into them.

"It is a man's job to protect his sister! Keep your eyes off her you lecherous clowns!"

Freed meanwhile was sobbing over the fact that he didn't have a vagina, and so couldn't help Laxus out. Yeah people, you did need to know that.

Mira pulled down her pants, exposing herself to Natsu. "Here, this is a vagina! Look at it and get it over with!"

Natsu seemed entranced by the thing, much to Lucy's displeasure. "He he it looks like a little slot. Hey, can I touch it? I'll be gentle and only use my pinky finger!"

Immediately Mira transformed into her demon mode and told Natsu exactly where he could stick his pinky finger. The males who hadn't been beaten up by Elfman were too busy dealing with their nosebleeds to notice this however, with the exceptions of Laxus and Freed. Freed was still crying and Laxus was laughing his arse off. After the beating, Mira stormed off to go torture something and Natsu was left removing his hand from a certain orifice.

"Owwww! It hurts to put things up there Mira! Owwww!"

This confirmed to Laxus that today was indeed the best day of his life. Wiping the tears away from his eyes, he managed to say, "Well at least we know his orientation now."

Makarov nodded, changing the cotton buds stuck up his nose to prevent the blood from gushing out for the third time. "Well Natsu I guess the rest is up to you now. Go and experiment with this knowledge."

"Oh boy Gramps thank you!" his injury forgotten, Natsu ran over to his human best friend. "Hey Lucy, wanna come help me find out more about sex?"

"If you say please I'm sure she'd be more than happy." Gajeel chuckled, earning him a dig in the ribs from Levy, a glare from Lucy and a round of applause from Laxus and Gray.

Looking at his puppy dog face, it was hard to say no. "Ohh alright Natsu, but don't be getting any ideas about us having sex!"

Natsu practically dragged her out of the hall with Happy flying behind them. "LETS GO AND HAVE SEX!" he screamed, fist pounding the air.

Back at the bar, Laxus turned to Makarov and hugged him. "Grampa, today you have given me the greatest gift I have ever received. I thank you."

Despite the horrible situation he had been put through, the old man couldn't help but smile. Breaking the hug, he looked at Laxus to see him grinning evilly. Standing up on top of the stool, he shouted "Hey Romeo! Gramps is giving out free sex-ed lessons! Want one?"

Seeing the young boy beginning to make his way towards the bar, Laxus knew his work was done, and proceeded to walk out the Guild Hall.

"LAXUS YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Makarov yelled, and Laxus turned round to face him upon reaching the door.

"I'd say suck it Gramps, but even Cana struggled with that task."

A hand suddenly grabbed his shoulder. Wheeling round, he saw Gildarts smiling psychotically at him.

"Is that so? Well, would you prefer me to start by breaking your back or by cracking your ribs?"

Laxus smiled back at him. "Maybe you should start by preventing your daughter from being hit on by my old man?" Pointing back to the bar, Gildarts saw what appeared to be Makarov groping his daughter. While in reality he was only trying to explain breasts to Romeo, and she had happily agreed in her post-comatose state, all Gildarts saw was another tombstone and another grave he had to dig. Letting Laxus go, he entered the guild to start his work.

Laxus chuckled to himself. "Well I guess I'll be inheriting the guild soon after all."

A/N: For those of you who powered through the awkwardness, congrats. I hope you enjoyed this fic. For my next one, I'm torn between sending Laxus and Mira on a date (against Laxus will of course) or having Laxus take Wendy to the Fair for a day (again, against his will). Either way Laxus is pretty screwed. Anyways tell me what you think, so read, review and recommend :)