Author's note: This fic is more than a little bit autobiographical... I never realized until now how much we were like Suzaku and Lelouch. I wish we hadn't been this similar.

I always wanted to write something like this - the hardcore Suzy/Lulu shipper in me always sort of believed that jealousy was one of the reasons why Lelouch killed Euphemia, and never showed much regret over it. [just let me be a fangirl, okay.]

anyway... this is dedicated to my Suzaku, with the hopes that you'll find your way to me again.

"Do you hate him?"

Lelouch glanced up from the computer screen. He wasn't sure if it was the question that had shocked him or the blunt way C.C. had asked it.

"Suzaku, I mean."

He scoffed. "I knew who you meant."

"Then answer the question."

Lelouch glared at her before returning his gaze back to the screen. He seemed unable to stop his cursor from leading him to articles about the Specially Administrated Zone of Japan, even though they all felt like knives in his chest. Especially the pictures of Suzaku and Euphemia standing side by side - her smile was proud and hopeful, his slight and hesitant, looking as though he felt he shouldn't be there.

But you could never figure out where you belonged, could you, Suzaku?

Lelouch sighed, closing his eyes as he shut his laptop. "No. I don't hate him."

"Even though he betrayed you? Joined the other side? Ruined all your plans for the future?"

"Shut up, witch," he growled, turning to look at her sharply. For once, she complied.

Lelouch turned out the lights and lay down in his bed, though he knew sleep was a long ways off.

C.C. was right, of course. He did feel betrayed. He feared for the future now.

For so long he was convinced that his mapped-out visions would happen exactly as planned. Suzaku was part of the plan. Lelouch had ignored it when Suzaku started to turn against him. The sloppy kisses and messy handjobs given in haste and secret continued, but they felt more like contests rather than acts of lust.

Then, everything stopped. Suzaku was cold and distant. He spoke to Lelouch as little as possible. Lelouch's calculating mind came up with multiple hypotheses, but he couldn't be sure, and Suzaku wasn't telling.

When Suzaku became Euphemia's knight, the murky confusion only worsened. Perhaps Euphemia had caused this change in Suzaku. Had Suzaku fallen for her? Had he forgotten about Lelouch so quickly?

The answer was there in front of him, but Lelouch refused to accept it, holding on to his hope that there was a chance for reconciliation.

It all ended with the announcement of the Special Zone. Lelouch knew he couldn't hope any more. He couldn't pin his hopes for the future - the world's future, his future - on Suzaku anymore.

Despite what they had always promised each other, what they had always believed, there were some things they couldn't - or wouldn't - accomplish together.

It had shaken Lelouch's entire world. He hadn't realized just how much he depended on his childhood friend.

Lelouch closed his eyes but he could still see Suzaku and Euphemia smiling together. The knives sunk in deeper. He'd never thought of Suzaku as his, but seeing Suzaku with someone else caused jealousy to mix into his blood and infect his entire body.

He rolled over and stared at the empty space next to him. Suzaku rarely stayed over - their busy schedules usually prevented it - but Lelouch remembered every single night, every touch, every moan. His throat constricted as he wondered where Suzaku slept now. Next to Euphemia? What else did they do, then...

The thought of Suzaku touching someone else caused rage to burst in his chest.

Maybe things were easier for Suzaku now. Lelouch supposed it would be easier to explain his relationship with a princess than with a prince - especially an exiled one. Euphemia was physically closer, too. More convenient.

Still - Lelouch felt that whatever Suzaku felt with Euphemia, it could never compare to the bond they shared. It could never come close. Suzaku might ignore it for now, but it will still be there.

He'll regret this, Lelouch silently declared to himself, I know he will.

Lelouch rolled onto his stomach and angrily squeezed his eyes shut as that rarely felt but all too familiar pricking sensation appeared behind his eyelids.

His answer to C.C. wasn't a lie. He didn't hate Suzaku, only what Suzaku had done.

Despite all logic, despite everything, too much love remained - there wasn't room for anything else.