Rise of the Dairy Products: A CONTINUATION OF THREE TALES
By Kal Takane Veras
Author's Note: Up here in New Jersey, it's snowing huge snowflakes and my hands are numb. I have come out of hiatus briefly to write this epic. It will be updated only on weekends, because I'm not allowed to use the computer on school days. (Note: I may sometimes post on Thursday or Friday if you're really lucky.)
If you don't understand the title (or if you have no common sense), this is A CONTINUATION OF THREE TALES. You heard me correctly. In other words, this is Fox's Eating Habits Part II, Fox, Roy, Yoshi 6, and The Weird Exploits of Falco, Marth, and Bowser rolled into one. I will finish Part II and The Weird Exploits in this story. This is uber-important. I shall say it again. I will finish Part II and The Weird Exploits in this story. This is why after this story is completed, I will launch Part III (yes, Fox's Eating Habits will become a trilogy) and continue the F.R.Y. series with Part 7. All right? If you are complaining that I am not releasing Fox's Eating Habits, Fox, Roy, Yoshi 6, or The Weird Exploits, you need to be shot. That is all.
If you are wondering what the basis for this epic is, it is based off a one-liner in Fox, Roy, Yoshi 5. Read it through carefully…There are also references to Yoshi 007, Fox's Eating Habits I, and Fox, Roy, Yoshi 1 through 5 in here. Try to spot them all.
This is my MAIN project from now on until this is finished. Yoshi 007 will NOT, I repeat, NOT be updated until this is finished. I do have a plot, honest, but it is not ready for development yet. Please stand by.
Thank you for reviewing my stories and tolerating my spleen. Please enjoy the rest of the story.
Kal Takane Veras
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"You. What has happened to Emperor Brocolinus?"
"He is dead, sir. He was vaporized by a cloud of corrosive gas."
"I see. This is a setback, but a minor one. Where is M. Weed?"
"He is at our target location, sir."
"Excellent. Then, Project Dairy will begin…now."
(silence)
"I said, Project Dairy will begin…now!"
(silence)
"Weed, you fool! Turn on the Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer!"
(insert loud sound effects and ominous flash of lightning here)
-----
Fox, Roy, and Yoshi were sitting around a table enjoying a broccoli pie.
"Hey, Fox…" Falco sidled up to them. "Can I borrow some money? Like, say, 10002 dollars?"
"No, I don't think so." Fox said pleasantly, chewing on some pie. "Remember what happened the last time I lent you money?"
(Flashback)
"Fox, I got a brand-new nitroglycerin powered spaceship!" Falco yelled.
"You mean the one that just exploded in a huge mushroom cloud on the front lawn?"
"Oh, CRAP…"
(End Flashback)
"How was I supposed to know nitroglycerin explodes from prolonged exposure to sunlight?" Falco yelled.
"Whatever. The point is, I'm never lending money to you again. Go away." Fox made a rude hand gesture at Falco.
"You son of a-!" Falco stalked away, muttering in a low tone.
"Jerk." Fox continued to devour his pie.
"Hey." G&W walked up to them. "Ooh, pie!" He took a slice and ate it in one chomp.
"Whoa." Yoshi stared.
"Anyway," G&W started, "I'm saving for an Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System. Can I borrow 10000 dollars?"
"Sure." Fox said. He yanked a large roll of bills out of his pocket. "Keep the change."
"Thanks…I think." G&W said as he walked away.
"You lent money to G&W, and not to your best friend?" Roy asked incredulously.
"Falco's not very competent with finances." said Fox primly.
"True." Yoshi said.
The three of them ate in silence for a while.
-----
"The Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer is performing at peak capacity."
"Excellent. The broccoli conquest may have failed, but I am certain this new conquest will succeed! MUHAHAHAHA!"
"Sir, I finished your pajamas, but I couldn't get that juice stain out."
(odd silence)
"Shut up, you!"
-----
"So, Fox, got any ideas for today?"
"I…need…cheese." Fox said in a zombie-like voice.
Roy and Yoshi looked at each other.
(Flashback)
"I…need…nuclear…bombs." Fox said in a zombie-like voice.
"Hey, you don't sound like Fox." Roy said, kicking Fox between the legs.
"I…need…nuclear…bombs." Fox said.
Roy gaped. "Fine, have it your way." He stabbed Fox, who exploded.
"Huh?" Roy asked. Just then, the real Fox emerged from the door, carrying a huge sack of chips and dip.
"What the-" Fox read the charred inscription on the robot shell. "Property of Al-Qaeda-hmm…I see."
"Terrorists have fallen to such low levels." said Roy, shaking his head.
(End Flashback)
"What can a terrorist robot do with cheese?" Yoshi asked.
"No idea, let's get some." Roy said.
Roy found a dish of cream cheese in the fridge and gave it to Fox. Suddenly, the cream cheese mutated into a slime-like thing.
"Must…obey…M. Weed…" the cream cheese said in a robotic voice.
"Okay, I know something's wrong." Roy said. He cut off Fox's head and read the metallic words inside: "Property of Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu- Return if found."
"What's going on?" Fox said, emerging from a nearby door and lugging a sack of chips and dip.
Roy and Yoshi looked at the cream cheese, then at Fox.
"On second thought, I don't want to know." Fox said.
-----
"Hmm. This cream cheese appears to be responding to radioactive energy." Fox said, examining it.
"What kind of energy?" Yoshi asked.
"Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq energy, I guess." Roy said conversationally.
Fox and Yoshi stared at him.
"Umm…Just some science classes." Roy said, blushing.
-----
"Sir, the Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer is currently controlling all dairy products in the Smash Mansion. Soon, we shall rule the world!"
"Good job, Weed."
-----
"Lalala." Bowser sang. "Just want a nice glass of milk…" He poured out some milk.
"HEY, YOU! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT DRINKING ME!" the milk yelled.
Bowser glanced at his milk.
(Flashback)
"Sir…I found the chocolate milk you wanted. Unfortunately, it's 78 years past its expiration date, and it was stored improperly…so I doubt you'd want it."
Bowser opened the milk carton and sniffed its rancid fumes. "Still good." He poured it down his throat while his butler wretched.
(End Flashback)
"Still good." Bowser said. He downed the glass in one gulp.
"Bowser! You are supposed to be helping us make money for our Ultimate Pocket Entertainment System, not drinking talking milk!" Marth sauntered over. "Now, I just found us a job at this clothing store. Get up, Falco's already there."
"Aww…" Bowser moaned.
-----
"Ok…The cream cheese is possessed. What else is new?" Yoshi asked satirically.
"The milk's also possessed." Fox said. "I checked this morning. The yogurt's possessed too."
"Wow…Is it just me, or are all the dairy products being controlled by some nether-being bent on world domination?" Roy asked.
"Most likely." Fox said, now examining a lump of Swiss cheese.
"And don't tell me we have to eat and drink all that crap again-you know what happened last time." Yoshi said with a flick of his tail.
"It ended well, though." Roy said. "You killed Emperor Brocolinus."
"True…but I wanted to kill him with an AK-47 or a light saber, not a fart." Yoshi whined.
-----
"Welcome to A Random Clothing Store, sir." Bowser said. "May I help you?"
"Get a breath mint, dude! You smell like burned sh-"
"As I was saying," Bowser continued in a dangerously low voice, "may I help you?"
"Um…sure…I just remembered I have an appointment with my orthodontist…" The man ran away screaming holy hell.
"That's the eighth customer you've scared away, Bowser." Marth said dryly.
"It's not my fault if I smell like burned-"
"Look at this!" Falco said, holding out a wad of money.
Bowser jumped back and swore as though he'd been burnt, and Marth gaped.
"Where did you get that?" Marth asked suspiciously.
"Oh, some lady left her purse in the dressing room and I found it while I was cleaning up."
"Now that I think of it," Bowser said slowly, "you weren't assigned to clean up the dressing room…"
Falco blushed. "Yeah, yeah, so what? We have money!"
"Great!" Marth brightened. "We can quit our job now!"
-----
"Ok! I have found a solution!" Fox said. "It is simple. We must destroy the machine that is emitting Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq waves and stop the dairy products from taking over the planet!"
"Simple, yeah right." Roy snorted.
"I would assume that it has to be somewhere in this mansion, because only dairy products in the mansion are becoming satanically insane." Yoshi said.
"True." Fox said. "I think that-"
"You think nothing!" a voice boomed out.
"Dude, get rid of that microphone. It's just plain annoying." Fox growled.
"Fine, fine…My name is M. Weed, and I am a disciple of the great and holy Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu, and my mission is to ensure that the Atomicdairynebulabombnukeomgwtfbbq Transformer remains intact! So you shall not stop me!"
"What does the M stand for?" Roy asked.
M. Weed blushed. "You don't want to know."
"Okay, let's get him and torture him till he talks!" Yoshi said, pulling out a katana.
"Ha! I have learned all my combat skills from the great IamtehbestandIpwnu! You shall not-"
(1.89 nanoseconds later
"Talk!" Yoshi said, pointing his katana at Weed's throat.
"I'll never tell!" Weed spat defiantly at Yoshi's feet.
"Fine." Yoshi sheathed his katana.
"Are you going to kill me?" Weed growled.
"No." Yoshi said. He dragged out a DVD player.
"You expect me to talk by watching movies?" Weed laughed.
"Not just any movie." Yoshi took a DVD disc out of a slot in the wall and popped it in.
"I love you, you love me…"
The veins in Weed's neck bulged. "No! No! Anything but this!"
"Talk." Yoshi said.
"Okay! The transformer is located inside the basement of this mansion!"
"Confirmed." Yoshi said, drawing out his katana. "Roy, you drag him along with us."
"Since when has Yoshi been this…un-Yoshi-like?" Fox whispered to Roy.
"I dunno."
-----
"Here!" Weed pointed at a glowing blue contraption.
"Thank you very much." Yoshi said coolly. He stabbed at the machine with his katana, but it glanced off an invisible barrier.
"What the-" He tried again, to no avail.
"You fool! This machine is protected by the energy matrix of 60 power crystals, which I have cleverly hidden in this mansion! And I will never tell you, even if you show me that vile movie!"
"Hey, look." Fox opened a closet to find it full of 60 glowing crystals.
"Crap." Weed said.
"This was over very quickly." Roy said.
Yoshi took all the power crystals and shattered them. Then he raised the transformer and smashed it against the ground.
"We have saved the world!" Fox cheered. "…Again, that is."
Weed swore, then rushed out of the basement.
-----
"Booyah!" Bowser cheered. "10000 dollars!"
"I wonder why people would keep so much cash in their purse?" Marth asked.
"No idea, but let's hurry before the store closes." Falco said.
-----
"Weed, you have failed me. I shall be sure to demote you."
"It wasn't my fault, sir! They tortured me-"
"With Barney?"
Weed blushed a shade of crimson.
"I knew it, you worthless scum. Take steps to ensure that this never happens again."
"Yes, sir."
"Arm the Ultimate Destruction Beam of Unholy Death and fire it at the Smash Mansion, as a memento of your failure."
"Yes, sir."
-----
"All right!" Falco cheered as they neared the store. "You want black, blue, or red?"
"Red would be nice." Bowser said.
"Nonsense!" Marth arrogantly said. "We must obtain the blue model!"
"Look, guys, I found the cash, and I say black."
"Blue!"
"Red!"
"Black!"
"Blue!"
"Shut up!"
"You shut up!"
"Both of you, shut up!"
"You son of a-"
-----
"I must arm this laser!" M. Weed said. He adjusted a few knobs, pulled a few levers, and pushed a button.
"Excellent." Weed said once the deed was done. "Now, to…uh, oh, wrong coordinates."
-----
"Look, fools, I say black!" Falco said, drawing his pistol.
"You ninny! You could aim at the ground and miss!" Bowser laughed.
"All right, you-"
Suddenly, a beam of ultimate destructive unholy death shot out from the sky, and shot right under Falco's elbow, burning up their wad of cash.
"Oh, the humanity!" Bowser wailed.
"Look what you've done!" Marth howled.
"This wasn't my fault!" Falco bellowed.
They argued and fought until the sun set.
-----
END OF CHAPTER
PREVIEW OF CHAPTER TWO
"Weed, set up the Doomsday Generator."
"What does it do, sir?"
"…Let's keep this on a need-to-know basis."
"Those fools Fox, Roy, and Yoshi will soon meet their doom!"
"That is so cliché, you fool. Say something like, 'We shall smite Fox, Roy, and Yoshi with all of our unholy might and make sure they never rise again to haunt us!'"
"Sir, that is just-"
Lord IamtehbestandIpwnu glared at Weed.
"We shall smite Fox, Roy, and Yoshi with all of our unholy might and make sure they never rise again to haunt us."
"Much better."
Author's Note: If you don't review, expect no updates for a long, long time. Do not fear, if you review I will write the next chapter ASAP, perhaps tomorrow. (No promises, though.)